Funerals - Is 4 too young??

DH's grandmother passed away on Friday and we have to make the tough descion about whether to let Gabriella attend the funeral and burial this Friday. Alex is definitely not going as he is more of a distraction then anything.

Bit of background - Baba (the grandmother) was quite young, only 70 and was a very fit acn active woman who was a big part of our lives. She wasnt someone we only saw once a month, it was more like a couple of times a week. SHe had a stroke a couple of weeks ago and Gaby went to the hospital with us almost daily to see her and even tho she was unconcious Gaby was still kissing her, stroking her and talking to her. We are always open with Gaby so she knew how sick Baba was and that she was going to die.

So the big question is do we take her to the funeral or not? Some people are saying no she shouldnt be exposed to all the crying (the family is extremely close and I will be very surprised if DH's mother will even be able to stand at the burial cause she is so in shock) and that seeing the coffin go into the ground could be traumatic for her. I am of the belief that this will be closure for her and it will help her to understand better that Baba really isnt coming back. What do you all think?

Another thing the funeral is going to be huge, she was well respected and loved within her community and we are expecting around 500 people - so maybe that would be too overwhelming?? Oh I dont know, it is all too hard atm.:( Any advice would be appreciated?

I would say no it isn't too young. Kameron went to his first funeral when I was 6wks pregnant with Lachlan. So he would have not long turned 2. He didn't play up or anything.

Love

I would be inclined to say - yeah let her go. I'm not sure if she would be traumatised by the crying etc, it may be part of the cycle for her to witness and absorb. I dunno about the coffin lowered into the ground thing though - it may be a little to hard for her to understand but you would be the best judge of that.
You can always skip the graveside service and straight to the wake - it may give her time to debrief to you before the next stage.

I think it would be lovely for all those attending to be able to see Gabby running around, I'm sure her Baba told everyone she knew all the Gabby stories, and flashed photos everywhere.
If there is 500 people there, in years to come Gabby will remember how many people came to say goodbye to Baba. I bet she'll take it all in her stride and make some people smile on a sad day.

I hope your coping ok. xoxoxox

I would take her, my mum died when Erin was just over 2 and she really wanted her at the funeral, she even made the minister say at the start of the service that Erin was there at her request and was to be allowed to move around as she pleased and no one was to take her out. (my mum was very organised even about dying!)

At age 4 she's old enough to get an inkling about what's going on, and like you say it will help her understand to some extent that her great grandmother wont be coming back. I'd just recommend giving her lots of love and talking it over with her and explaining what is happening, You probably don't want her filling the gaps with wild thoughts.

I would take her when DH's dad died I took both a 5yrs old and 2yr old as it was there grandfather as this was family who your DD got to know she should go let her understand that mummy and daddy will be sad for a little bit but then as with most wakes it always full of good and happy thoughts so she wont see you sad all day iykwim maybe take her for a walk to the back when it comes to the lowering of the coffen as thats something that might confues a little girl..or give nightmares.

i havent had any experience in this but i dont think i would take her. i think it would be very overwhelming to see everyone so upset and she might get a little scared. maybe there is some other sort of ceremony that you could think of to have which will not shield her completely from understanding death but i dont know about going to a funeral. just my opinion of course.

Yeah i agree with hollo and i think i would want her last memories be happy ones of your loved one. Just my opinion though. Sorry for your loss.

nikki

when my grandmum passed away in july my sister took her oldest 8 to the veiwing so he could say goodbye he was extremely emotional about his GG dieing even though she had been unwell, he coped extremely well, when we went out to the car her not quite 4 year old had guessed where we were and wanted to say goodbye, he coped the best out of all of us, he told her he loved and her and said goodbye, all boys my 10mth old, her nealry 2yr nealry 4yr and just 8yr old went to funeral, her boys didn't come to the burial, but did wave goodbye to the hurse as it paused outside grandmums house (on route to cemetary)

anyway long story short funeral yes, burial not so much

:hugs: to you and your family

I remember when I was young, maybe 7 or 8, and my greatgrandma died. We were very close, and I was devastated, but I wasn't allowed to go the the funeral, and its something I am still sad about to this day. I wanted to say goodbye - I had been to visit while she was sick, and then so just disappeared and even though I was a bit older, I felt it was important for me to say goodbye, I just never got to do that. I would say yes, allow her to go to the funeral. You could remind her that all these people loved her Baba too, and even though she is gone now, everyone is there to remember and be happy that Baba had such a wonderful life.

I probably would skip the burial, I think thats defianately the most emotional time for most, some people get hysterical and it may scare her!

Ang,
When my grandfather died in 2002, I took my 4 children to the funeral and the burial (I only had 4 at that stage).Lizzie was 4 mths, Tim was 23 mths, Kate was 3 and Jack was 6, they were all very close to their grandfather and they all had a special job to do and that was to comfort us.
I found that the funeral was boring for them because they couldn't move around, but my dad thankfully took the youngest two outside so that I could concentrate.
We had organized with the priest that they had a special part at the burial. What they did was, they played the Collingwood theme song one last time for him and sang with it so he could hear them. It dosen't seem much but it had us all in tears and I found that it helped us express our grief.

Hope that helps, try to see if there is anything that Gabby can do as her special part in the ceremony.

I agree that she should go. I think it is all part of learning about death and grief, and that it would be more distressing for her to be excluded from it.

Mrsmac, what a beautiful story. Your mum must have been a very special person.

I would agree with most people and say let her go. Not only for her but also for everyone else. Having kids abotu reminds everyone that life goes on and kids inevitably do cute things that lift the mood a little.

I would also sit down before hand and have a chat to her about how you will all be very sad and that maybe some people will cry because they are sad that they won't see Baba again. Maybe give her a spacial "job" like hugging you if you cry or singing in the songs or something similar.

I think that there is no problem with the graveside so long as you are comfortable with it. Kids feed off our emotions and if it is OK with you she should be fine about it.

Very sorry for your loss - she sounds like a really special lady.

Thanks everyone for your advice and your stories too - I think at this stage we are going to take Gaby to the funeral but not to the burial. I think that way she will get a bit of a sense of what is going on but hopefully wont witness any hysterics or get freaked out by the coffin being buried. It is such a hard descion to make.

Hi,
I took my eldest to his G grandma's funeral when he was 18 months old and if anything it lightened the day. As your daughter was so close I think it would do her good to say goodbye and I'm sure your family will support you in your decision. It will probably help to talk to your daughter about saying goodbye and maybe encourage her to draw a picture or make something that she can 'give' to her G Grandma on the day. My little one had done some handprints on card so we put one on the coffin for Nana. I think you are doing the right thing by letting your daughter attend the funeral service. Good luck

i dont think she is too young esp since it sounds like she was close - just try & prepare her a bit for what it is all about - i will never forget my grandfathers funeral when my then 4 year old nephew in a quite spot in the ceremony asked why papa was in a box & sitting in his chair - we didnt know to laugh or cry

If it is family, then definately. Lindsay was not yet 2 when my nan passed away and he went to both the service and the burial. I think it gives them a better understanding of the concept of death being final and it also gives them a chance to say goodbye. All of Nan's grandkids had a single white rose each to place on the coffin as it was being lowered and Lindsay put his on there and said goodbye and it broke your heart to see it but he felt so important doing it.

I think being close family that she will be shielded from the grief of the other mourners by being at the front of the church kwim? Besides, 4yo's are more attuned to things than you think they are and I think you have to give them credit for that.

I don't think she's too young - I don't think it's so much about what she sees or experiences per se, as it is about how you as her parents help her to understand and deal with it.

Taking a four year old to a funeral where everyone is visibly upset and seeing the coffin being buried and then not talking to her about it or giving her any way to deal with it is obviously not wise but you don't sound like the type of parent to leave her hanging like that.

I think it's really important that we talk to our children about death, it's as much a part of life as birth and they need to know about it. It's all in the way we handle it ourselves, that's what kids respond to.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for your little girl, and I'm very sorry for the loss your family is suffering :hugs:

I'd say let her go, it may help her to put things a little in to perspective and I don't believe that seeing people cry because they loved, and are going to miss an important member of their lives is a bad thing it is important to display grief and let your children see you grieving then your little ones understand that it is ok to miss some one they love and that crying is a healthy way to relieve feelings of grief as long as the experience is supported by loving family members who can explain things when needed in an age appropriate way. I wanted to take Paige earlier this year when my MIL passed away and it was only that I was presenting in the funeral that I decided to make other arrangements for her she did attend the graveside with me and she was a source of distraction for people in a positive way, they talked to, and smile at her, she helped to lighten a really terribly sad occaision

Hi,
Firstly sorry for your loss.

I would let her go, but maybe organsie someone a little removed to take her out of the service if she gets too restless etc? (a close friend etc) I was recently at a funeral where a young man died. His 4 year old daughter was there, and she was very good, although really didn't understand what was going on. She was just more happy to see photos of her daddy. Also having youth there really helps people with their grief. Young children always manage to cheer people up, just when they need it.

My son was 4 when my mum passed away almost 4 years ago and he wanted to go and say goodbye to her, he wanted to go out to the gravesite to throw a flower in etc. He was asked the whole time what he wanted to do as thats what i wanted. Not long before my mum passed away his great pop passed and he wasnt allowed to attend the funeral and he wasnt happy about that as he didnt get the chance to say goodbye to him

I just think it all depends on them, what they want to do to say goodbye to the person

Thanks all for your advice and kind thoughts.

We ended up taking her to the service/funeral at the church and then my parents took her home. I was so so so proud of my gorgeous girl :). She was perfectly behaved and very respectful and took it all in. She cried when DH got up and did the eulogy and when she recognised the people/events he was talking about. When he came and sat back down she climbed onto his lap crying for her Baba. She saw Baba's coffin being taken away and called it "Baba's treasure chest" which was so sweet, and we took her yesterday tot he gravesite whilst it is pretty and covered in flowers. She bent down to the flowers and ground and talked to Baba telling her about her day - it was lovely.

She nearly broke our hearts the other day tho when she proceeded to tell us out of the blue that all she wanted for her birthday was for Baba to come back. :cry: Can you tell how much I love this little girl???:D

:hugs: sorry for your family's loss!

Your daughter sounds lovely. Rach75 mentioned about our Grandmother passing away earlier this year and what we did in regards to my children.. I do think the burial is to much for young children to deal with. We did go to the cemetary the day before and explained to the boys what was happening ect. then the day after we took them to the cemetary to say their own goodbyes again,

Now when we drive past they wave goodbye and say bye bye GG. (GG = Great Grandmum)

anyways my 4yr old son says some very sweet things like your daughter as well. They say goodnight to the moon and stars and say GG is in there now..

Wow Gaby's mum, I'm glad it went well. FWIW I think you made the right decision. And your little girl sounds so special, no wonder you are so proud.