Donor Dialogue

Hi everyone
I decided to go ahead and make this new thread. Don't want donor stuff clogging up the progress thread.
I hope you all pop in and share your thoughts and/or experiences with any of us who may be looking at being a donor recipient. It's not meant to be a place to advertise though.
Here is where I'm at....
I've had 2 responses to my ad.
To be perfectly honest, now I'm cra*ppin' my pants.
One sounds like he wants to play a part in the child's life (he's been married for 29 years). It may sound horrible to some but I just don't know if that's fair to the child. Yes, it's important for a child to know who their parents are and I want that. I just think it would get too confusing for the child to have 2 families. It could get messy.
The other potential donor is only 22. Just worried that how he feels now may be different in 10 or twenty years.
Decisions, decisions.
Any thoughts on this??
Love
Sue

Mmmm - this is a huuuge decision Sue. Personally I think the older guy sounds sus. Does he have his own kids? I wonder how his wife feels about it? And how big a part does he want in this child's life? What rights do they have legally Sue?

As for the younger guy - what makes a 22 yr old guy want to donate his sperm do you think? Good grief Sue - I don't envy you honey.

I guess I would want a donor who is doing it for purely selfless reasons i.e. to give someone derserving and unable, the chance at parenthood. Not someone who wants to "extend" his own family.

So I guess if it was me, I would look at reasons why they are doing this.

You are a brave and intelligent woman Sue - you'll know the right thing to do. I have a saying that I always fall back on whenever I don't know what path to take in my life - "Do what makes your heart sing". It's never failed me yet.

Thanks for your kind words Humphrey. You have completely voiced (tapped) what I am thinking.
I have PM'd the first telling him where I stand ie. I want an anonymous donor and he would not play a part in that child's life unless the child sought him out at 18. It sounds hard, it's not meant to. I could foresee all sorts of custodial issues.
I agree with the you on the second one too. It's all so new to me.
I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be an old hand at this!!!
I love your saying, I'm gunna try that.
Love
Sue

LMAO at you crappin your pants 'cos that is exactly how I feel! Talking to real people about it, is much more difficult than dealing with some frozen sperm on a stick! I now know why people sit on anonymous donation waiting lists for years. - it is much less confronting. What Humphrey says is the same as what the AED people say about egg donation:

:

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... would want a donor who is doing it for purely selfless reasons i.e. to give someone derserving and unable, the chance at parenthood. Not someone who wants to "extend" his own family.

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But at the same time, you don't want to be too suspicious. Just as there are some young women who are very selfless and want to donate, there are probably men like that as well. And remember for men donating is very easy and they could do it every day of their lives if they wanted. some women have the attitude, "well I am not using my eggs so why shouldn't someone else" so there are hopefully men out there with that attitude as well. Just be clear about what you want and make it clear to them as well. I think taking it in your own hands is great.

Thanks Anney
I have explained where I stand to both donors about anonymous donors only. Also, that it also has to be done through a clinic.
The first bowed out graciously, he wanted to play a part in the child's life. I felt bad for him. He badly wants his own 'genetic' child - has 3 step-children. He responded to the media call for donors only to be told he is too old. He's 48 and apparently 45 is the cut-off age at the clinic he approached. No wonder there is a shortage!!
I have only just emailed the second one. He is only young so I have also asked him to explain his reasons for wanting to donate and also whether he has considered how he would feel in 19years' time if someone knocks on his door looking for their dad.
What is the next step for you? Did you place an ad at AED? Is one of the ladies in there going to help or are you keeping it separate? Sorry if those questions are too personal.
I so totally understand you being scared. Let us know how you get on!!
It's nice to have another potential recipient in here.
Love
Sue

Hi again
Have heard back from Donor #2. For 22 years old he seems pretty together with the whole idea. Saw the article about donor shortage and just wants to help. Is fine with not having any involvement in the child's life but says that doesn't mean he wouldn't want to meet the child 19 years down the track. Says he's excited by that prospect. He is half Japanese. Does that mean a child would be quarter Japanese? Sorry if that's an ignorant question. I would hate to deprive a child of the exposure to their culture they are entitled to. 6' tall with dark hair and green eyes (not that it matters at this stage of the game).
Anyway, I'll talk to the clinic tomorrow to see what to do next.
Love
Sue

Ooooh Sue - he sounds wonderful (and your baby would look very exotic I think). This could be it! How exciting.

yes, just think of the wonderful Japanese/Aussie name I could create...

he sounds like he has his head around it and has a very matuer approach to the whole thing. I have a friend who looked into sperm donoring a few years back and at the time he was knocked back due to medication he had been taking for an injury - and then by the time that was out of his system he was with someone and had changed his mind. He was only young too - about 24 at the time - and similarly just wanted to offer his service because he could. Figured a lot of it was just going to waste in the meantime (IYKWIM??)

Really hope this could be it for you, Sue...

I agree with you Keen - wow Sue sounds like a good start anyway. For a 22 year old to even make contact shows a level of maturity I think. What a gorgeous baby it would be too!!! Good Luck Sue!! xx

Hi everyone
Well, I'll have to keep the 22 year old up my sleeve (hopefully I won't need him).
My clinic phoned today. One of their couples requiring donor sperm has cancelled their cycle. So, I have a donor. They've put me to the top of the list (because of my age).
I kick off my flare ICSI on 16th October.
Pays to distract yourself. There I was, seeking out my own donor and planning a holiday I couldn't afford, and the news I thought I wouldn't get from my clinic for about a year arrived.
I am over the moon and am still puddling up.
Yeehaaaaa.
Love
Sue

\:D/ Sue

Hope the donor gives you a successful pregnancy. Good Luck

WooHoo Sue, fantastic new. Best news i have heard all week! Great clinic you have there to bump you up because of your age.

Thanks Anney, Fletch and Chele.
Once again, what I hadn't considered happening has happened. I never considered my original donor would reach his limit before I'd finished with him. Then, I never gave my clinic a hope in the world of finding me a donor within the next year.
Now, I just have to convince myself to never consider being pg. Nah, that flies in the face of my visualisation/positive thinking theory.
Uh oh, the crazies are happening already.
Anney, will you be on-line for the AED recipient's chat tonight?
Love
Sue

Brilliant news Sue!!!

Yah for you Sue, suprises do happen, and very nice ones at that.

Hope all goes well

Thanks Mel and *Tam*.
Major headspins happening here atm. Linda Blair - eat your heart out.
Love
Sue

Hey Sue...

Just wanted to pop in and congratulate you on the donor news. It's also good to know there are also men waiting in the wings to donate. :)
.

Hi
Just wondering how you're going Teagan? Ready for the ride of your life?
Anney, I know you're off on holidays and madly being passionate...
But, hope you can both pop into this little room when you have a chance for a catch up.
News on my clinic. They have 'recruited' a few new donors. Hoping they all make it through the 6months quarantine period. So, things are looking up (so to speak).
I started my flare cycle on Monday with Lucrin and started Puregon on Wednesday. Hoping for EPU early November. [-o< My body responds this time. Rolling rolling rolling.
Love
Sue

Hi Sue

WTG Sue,

I hope i heard correctly... you started flare cycle and donor... That is fantastic and things are going great.. EPU November..

WWOOO HOOO..

:cheer: :cheer: for sue..

Chris

Hey Mrs Chris, long time no see.
How was the wedding and honeymoon (not tmi please)? How did you go with your health issues? Forgive me for forgetting....was it gallbladder?
Where are you at with ttc? Still on track for December?
Yes, started my meds this week. Really messing around with my emotions this time, quickly too. Swapped them all. This time Lucrin, Puregon and Pregnyl post ET.
Catch up soon.
Love
Sue

Hey Sue

LMAO.. Long time no see...I am happy to hear i have the same suzieq, for one stage i thought you were changing your identity and email etc...

LMAO... honeymoon went off great (going back again 13/11), quick 20 min registry marriage and quick dash to the club for DH to drown his sorrows (After 9.5 years) and i drowned mine for letting him do it on my birthday.... LOL. Believe me as for TMI.. we already had the wedding cake years ago... (JOKE: WHAT FOOD DO YOU GIVE A WOMAN FROM HAVING SEX? A: WEDDING CAKE). His mate (1 of witnesses) told us that on the day..

It was Gallstones in gallbladder... it went off like a zyrtek.. so did my hayfever as soon as i got home.. but got stuck into the telfast real fast.. Gallbladder no longer a problem.. its gone and within couple days dancing on tables... LOL... I can start prep for HRT next week instead of December (Thank lord for keyhole surgery- best decision i made).


Sorry to hear meds they are messing you around.. hope the mess around really gives you abright outcome with a big BFP..

Are you doing 3 or 5 day blastcyst.

I am so praying for you lovey.. (and everyone on BB)..

Chris

Ps i so miss your colourful emails on how great and wonderful your days have been. LOL

This is so exciting. Can't believe I never noticed this thread before.

How is it all going Sue?

Hi Bek
It's going really well. Has been a very quick cycle for me - now I know what flare means. Only 7 days of meds. EPU last Friday - 3 eggs from 3 follies - more than I was expecting at my age. ET on Monday - 2 embies on board. Beta on 16/11!!
Are you in the donor boat in some way?
Nice to see you pop in :smt039
Sue
:luck: :luck:

Sue - No not in the donar boat, I have just had my 4th and final baby and in the next couple of years I was going to look into being an egg donar, don't know if 35 would be too old then though.

Sorry if this is a stupid question but they pop 2 back in and you have the other one saved for another time? Well will be thinking of you and hoping for the two embies to turn into twins for you!!

Love Bek

Hi Bek
You're so lucky. 4 kids - wow. I can't even begin to imagine that.
My third egg didn't grow to be a viable embie so it's gone.
I have a feeling 35 might be the cut off age for donors.
I will PM you some info.
Sue
:luck: :luck:

All my love and luck to you for Monday, Sue!!!

Hi Mel, great to see you again.
Just re read my post - I didn't explain it very well. I had my 2 embies transferred on Monday just passed. Joanie and Chachi on board now.
Hope you're well. Yep, flare alright.
Sue

Hey Teagan, how did you go yesterday and today? Hope :smt079 have done their bit and are paddling paddling paddling.
Hi Anney, hope you can pop back into this thread from time to time to let us know your progress. How exciting for you!!
Love
Sue :luck: :luck:

Sue - Thanks for the PM. I have just joined over there so once they approve me I will be able to have a look around.

I know I am very lucky to have 4 beautiful, healthy children. I think that's why I want to look into doing this, I think everyone deserves to feel what it is like to be a parent.

LOL Joanie & Chachi - I love it!! They will be in my prayers. Hold on tight kids!

BTW - Have kept same user name there as well. Thought it would be easier. Don't have much of a memory to remember other names anyway!

Good on ya Bek. Will see you in there too then. I spend most of my time in the Recipients area - obviously.
Just noticed you're in Southport. I think there is some kind of ED conference on in Surfers at the end of March.
Ciao
Sue

:oops: Sorry Sue!! I misinterpreted what you were saying there!!

PMSL @ Joanie & Chachie!!!

Yep, J & C is cute. All credit has to go to Chele from LT TTC for that one. And Bluesky. She started the whole idea of naming them the dynamic duo. I decided that might be sexist. So, Teagan came up with Sonny and Cher (I'm a bit of a 60's hippy chick). Then I realised one of them isn't with us anymore. So, J & C it is. It's actually helping me stay positive.

Hey Sue...thought I'd drop in and say hi!

And since we are in the donor dialogue thread I thought I'd throw something out to hear other people's opinions.

There has been a lot of talk lately about 'identifiable' and 'anonymous' donors, and which one is preferable. I was wondering if anyone had opinons either way?

I find myself have much of a preference either way, but given how much attention the subject has received lately I feel like I should.

Hey Teagan
Welcome to the 2WWWeirdland.....
Anonymous vs Identifiable? Personally, I wanted an anonymous donor (sperm). There are 2 men in my life I thought of approaching. But, the more I thought about it, the more I thought it may create more pressures and complications than joy all round. So, I opted for anonymous.
I dearly hope any child of mine (check - positive thinking!) will attempt to find their father when old enough. Atm that is the law. I firmly believe every child has a right to know their father. Donor and I are not allowed to find each other atm, but the child can when 18. You have to be in agreeance with that before you sign up. Who knows when laws will change though.
I am a firm believer in a child being raised in a home that offers love and security. When it comes down to it, that's all that matters. Some of the argument regarding identifiable donors seems to revolve around a child not having a father around. I would rather be a solo parent than raise a child in a home which is less than stable or happy. I'm also lucky too that a do have a lot of male friends. Plenty of male role models!!
So, that's my $20 worth.
Take care.
Love
Sue
:luck: :luck:

Hi girls,
Suzi, I left a message for you on AED re your tortuous 2WW. You are right AED is having a "conference" in March in Qld - apparently it is nt a formal thing - just an excuse for a drink and a chat and a get to know you as there are only about 100 members. It should be fun though - so Bek, if you are interested, you could join AED and come to the conference. It is at a resrot at Biggera Waters.
Tegean, On the known Vs unknown debate, it is very interesting. There was a thing on 4 corners about a few weeks ago. people can have very different views. Personally I feel more comfortable with the known donation as it forces you to face the issues that could affect you and the potential child early on in the process, not 18 years later. I think with an anonymous donation it could be easy for parents to put off telling the child about their origins and even if they do tell them, the child may still be curious. But with known donation, the curiousity can be satisfied early on and it become something the child grows up with. I am not saying that will necessarily make things perfect but I think completel openness from the beginning is great. The egg donor site I am on is interesting as they stress that the needs of the potential child and the half siblings of the child (ie. any other natural children of the donor) is the most important thing.
I absolutly understand how people would want the anonymous option but I prefer known. OF course it can also come down to practicalities of what is available. For me, to wait for an anonymous donor would take 5 years and I would be 49! but to get a known donor, I can do that now!
sorry rattled on too much here. Teagan,, which one are you doing?

I didn't explain myself very well...Known donor is one which you know personally and have usually asked them to donate, identifiable donor is basically an anonymous donor at the moment but the child will be able to find out more information about them on their 18th birthday, and anonymous donor is one in which the child will never know any more details, they will never have any way to contact this person.

Sue, sounds like you have an identifiable donor. Most clinics have stopped offering anonymous donors at all but it is not currently legislation so some donor clinics still offer anonymous donors. This is actually one of the reasons why there are so, so few donors at clinics anymore (and why some clinics who offer anonymous donors still have more donors on their lists). As Anney mentioned there was a show on 4 corners which I missed but I read the transcript...it was really interesting. But I feel that many women will be restricted from accessing donor insemination because there simply aren't enough men who want to be identified.

Hi Anney...thankyou for your response. I can readily understand that. Just curious for arguements sake...if you didn't know someone who was willing or able to donate their eggs would that have an impact on how you feel about identifiable vs anonymous given the supply problem?

There are so many good reasons why we have restictions placed on things but sometimes the flip side is really frustrating. For example in the states where sperm and eggs are able to be sold there is a readily available supply, but because in Australia we don't allow the sale of human tissue or organs, we don't allow the sale of sperm/eggs and consequently there is a supply problem. Which is now being compounded by the move towards identifiable donors. I do understand much of the reasoning towards protecting the rights of future offspring but it's also hard to look past the frustration of restricted options.

Hi Teagan,
I am not sure if it is just in Victoria, but we have legislation that offspring must be allowed to contact their parents after they are 18 so in effect there is no such thing as anonymous donation here. I absolutely agree that by legislating this, although they are trying to protect the offspring, they are effectively legislating the offspring out of existence as not many people are going to donate if they know someone will probably contact them in 18 years - so with no sperm there will be no children!
Paying for eggs and sperm is an interesting one. I am not sure that I agree with that but haven't decided yet.
As for your question about us, my DH does not want someone unknown to us to be let into our lives, in such a personal way. So for us donation by someone we know is the only option. For me personally, I would take any option to have another child.

Hi Ladies,

Just noticed this thread and wanted to come in and wish you all luck.

Mel

Hey Anney,

I can understand your husband's desire to have a known donor for that reason. From what I understand (I think as you said) that coming by eggs is much more difficult that sperm.

On the topic of buying and selling sperm/eggs I watched this almost strange program on cable about U.S. assisted conception where there was an organisation who were recruiting college age women into donating eggs. It did looked like big business, they put together profiles including a professional photo shoot!

There is legislation on the table in NSW that is bringing in many of the provision set forth in the Victorian legislation. I feel slightly apprehensive about it because of the legislation in Victoria regarding martial status and access to treatment. But as yet I have not heard that they intend to restrict AC to married couple yet however.