DP believes in controlled crying.. I DON'T.

My DP read a book on CC and now he's forcing me use those methods on DD...

He woke up this morning and saw me asleep cuddling DD after a feed and went completely nuts that we were asleep in bed together.

My poor DD... I had to run out to the garage this morning to get something and came back to DD screaming her head off and DP standing over her just watching her, not picking her up or touching her or talking to her, just standing there, staring. He was trying to prove a point to me, what a stupid way to prove a point.

I love co-sleeping with her, we both get more sleep and she stirs a lot when she's in her own bed.

So what do you do when you and your partner have different parenting styles? Everytime we "talk" about it, it turns into a huge argument.

Are there any good books recommending co-sleeping or on the negative effects of controlled crying?

I would google some things on it.

for starters CC isn't recommended under 6 months..

I understand your DP thinks it is the right way to go but in my opinion you are the primary care giver so thikngs have to go a little the way you want it kwim?

I don't agree with CC. i have done it once.. I will never ever do it again... I have sat next to their cots/beds while they have cried and reassured them I am there for them but it is bed time..

MY DH and I had a chat about this the other night in fact, Olivia who is just over a week younger then your DD was fussy and he said maybe we should let her have a little cry and I said no I don't think that is the way to go and then I explained it to him. I said if you tend to baby they remain calmer but if I am busy with the boys I do have to let her have a little squawk.

I guess what I am trying to say is that children who are seen to quickly (where possible) are calmer babies and know there mum and dad are always there for them..

I hope your DP can see this and realize your Daughter is still so young and crying is her only way of communicating

Here are few articles from on here to show him hun.

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/c...sleep-training

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/t...trolled-crying

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/c...art-of-bonding

Hopefully they will help. It's a tough one when both of you disagree hun but if you arm yourself with some research as opposed to just opinion he might be swayed? Also - you are going to be her primary carer and I know that early on I would just do what I felt right - things that DH disagreed with at times but I figured that I was there 24 hours a day and in some things I did know best. I know that sounds awful but it's true. Also - Mia is only 4 weeks old hun, she needs to know you are there to comfort her and to bond with her and even if you decide to go down the CC path - they do not recommend any form of CC until babies are 6 mths old - so you can suggest that to him. Good luck, you are doing an amazing and fantastic job and she is just adorable!!

We don't have agreement on this either, DF does the same thing. I have a recliner chair I cuddled Pip on after his feeds.

Maybe just tell him you love cuddling her when she's this small, she'll be big in no time and you don't want to miss a moment of it now. And when she is asleep, pop her back into her cot/cradle as a compromise with your DP.

I don't think there's any magic solution here, just a lot of communication with your DP and discussion about parenting styles.

Keira.... my dad is the same as your DH, and when my mum had my little bro in 2001, I remember when my bro would cry, mum would rush in to see what was wrong, and dad would say to mum that she is creating a spoilt brat. All mum said was - its instinct. I can't ignore him because it hurts in my heart if I do, and thats how I know its wrong. Of course, it didn't mean anything to dad, but I think you know what she means...

one of the most profound things I have heard about comforting you child when he/she cries is this..... (its not a direct quote, and I can't even remember who said it, but it made Shel realise that CC is not the way to go... she even looked really guilty that she would consider that with out bub2b)... By allowing your child to cry, you are reinforcing an idea that they aren't heard or acknowledged, that their attempts to call you are pointless. You are ignoring their needs. Yes, babies cry for attention. Because they need attention. They can't call you, they can't ask for help, if they are uncomfortable, hurt, hungry, tired, or lonely, they cry for you. Imagine if you were feeling lonely, and you asked your partner for a cuddle, and you partner just ignored you. That would be pretty upsetting huh? This is what you're doing to your child by ignoring their cries.
And you may think you've won when you're child stops crying... but your childs need haven't gone away. They are just suppressed.
Who knows what the effects of CC are? Maybe you are beginning a pattern of withdrawal, a child who doesn't allow others to know what they need, because they don't believe anyone else can fulfill their needs, they think they'll be let down?? Are these the adults who feel uncomfortable asking for help>
What are the effects of a child who is consistently comforted and soothed by a parent? Mayeb they are the adults of the world who are trusting, loving, and giving, able to trust others with fulfilling their needs, able to share, able to be open with how they feel, and asking for help and advice...?

You never know, but I found it really profound to read. It changed Shel's mind about it (she believved CC was good, and consistant comforting would just create a spoilt child. We are now searching for a king size bed. We have a water bed and Shel has done the research, and you can't co-sleep with a baby in a waterbed... She has changed so much she is wants to buy the perfect bed to co-sleep... big enough for us and a bubba or two!

Alisia, that's brilliant news!

And I'm going to mention what you wrote to DF too.

Keira, I was thinking, you might be able to call your MCHN before the next appointment, talk to her about it and get her thoughts ... and if they coincide with yours, ask her to talk about CC at your next meeting, take your DP?

In any case...doesn't controlled crying mean you leave the room, not stand over the baby?

The issue for me here is you baby is only 4wks old. When I read that I thought WTF....I'm sorry if that comes across harsh but your bubs is so new to the world & even if you do cc it's never done at such an early age. I would be very upset at my DH if he suggested that at such an age. Babies at that age usually feed frequently, have lots of wind & many other things, I don't think they should be left to cry.
Unfortunatly the men seem to find it easier to let it be....I don't know why that is. We tried CC once (one day it lasted) & my DH didn't flinch...men pfffft!!
The Science of Parenting....among other great things in that book it outlines the effect on your childs brain when left to cry for long periods & how it can affect them later in life.

Keira, I think one of the articles should have info on the RCH study/paper that came out against CC.
If it doesn't I am sure Kelly could point you in the right direction.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is such an unfair thing for a new mum to have to deal with. I wish I could sit your DH down and give him a good talking to! :lol: My DH read a book when Natty was first born too and kept second-guessing my decisions. It was only after we had a very passionate discussion that he really understood where I was coming from and that it was about US as the parents and not about the author of the book.
I think there are lots of books and articles that advocate CC but ONLY after 6 months of age. (Have you got the Baby Love book? Also the raising children website.)
We did use some of these techniques with DD, but only after she hit 7 months and wasn't responding to other things.
Pinky Mckay writes lots of great stuff, as does Shiela Kitzinger (sp?) about gentle parenting (ie no CC) and how that is best for baby. If this is the philosophy you are most comfy with, have him read one of their books in order to balance out what he's already read. ('Sleeping Like a Baby' or "Parenting by Heart' by Pinky McKay, or 'Understanding Your Crying Baby' by Kitzinger.)
In any case, I have such big personal issues about parenting books! Please don't pay attention to authors who claim to have all the answers, and who tell you you are 'doing the wrong thing' if you don't go by what they say. They are full of themselves.
:hug: Hope you and your DH work things out soon.

keira, definately agree with all the others, even if you do decide to use CC your DD is way too young to even attempt it. a good book if you wat to compromise with DP is "the baby whisperer" by tracey hogg, she has some great ways to help your baby sleep without the use of controlled crying( at least up until 6months)and she also talk about "breaking the bond of trust", in other words if you leave a child that young to cry, they will start to think you wont be there for them when they need you. you do know best and i'm sure your doing a great job your way, and i really hope DP comes round to the right way of thinking soon!!

My Dh was trying to get me to do it too and I printed out the pInky McKay articles from this site and after he read them he changed his mind. :)

If he is a reader, then grab him a copy of The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland which was based on over 800 studies I believe? Maybe 600. But heaps LOL.

ARGH! I feel terrible for you, having her cry so young will not do her any good and having you hear her upset this close to birth will not do you any good! I'm sorry i don't have any advice but my DF suggested we let Scarlet cry when she was younger and i simply gave him my most stern look and said 'no', He hasn't said anything like it since.

If i were you i would ignore your DH for a whole day & ask him how he likes you "proving your point" ;). I don't suggest doing that though. I'm just mean.

Yep, definitely ask him to read "The Science of Parenting" - it made my DH completely change his tune, and I even overheard him telling his mum on the phone about how bad CC is (his mum did it to him I think). We will never do that, and its such a relief to me that DH now respects my decision. Its all thanks to that book. Really!

I don't think some dads hear a babies cry the same way us mum's do. With no offence intended to all the brilliant dad's out there, but I think it just 'hurts our hearts' more. I had to go out to the washing line a few months back, when our DD was a few weeks old. I came back inside and she was screaming in her rocker. I said to DH "why didn't you pick her up?? WTF?? What are you doing??" His answer: I am eating my lunch!!!!! FAR OUT!!!! Its only us mums who can do those two things at once, and who put the bub ahead of our own stomachs!!

Anyway - enough of my rant. I really hope you sort it out, and that your DH realises that gentle parenting is the way to go.

Keira you poor thing matey. You are doing nothing wrong here, as the others have said Mia is just still so little she needs cuddles and to bond with her parents at this age.

It is so hard when you can't agree. I hope you are able to show him some of the articles/books that everyone has suggested. The main thing is to make sure he is fully informed, and that doesn't mean just reading one book on cc like he has done.

Mummy instincts mean A LOT, so be strong with what feels right to you.

Try also "So you're going to be a dad", it's very helpful and geared for guys by a bloke.

OMG this sounds so much like my BIL, he yells at my neice that " he is going to send her to her room" when she starts to grizzle(She is 4 weeks corrected). I really feel for you Keira, men just don't get it.

My DH told me he believed in CC while I was pg. Then he saw Niece being "control"-cried: there is nothing controlled about it. It is watching a baby scream and turn red and have her breathing go funny. He told me on the way home there's no way we are doing that to our children. So I was lucky in that respect. He's not great at comforting DS, but he will hold him while he cries.

The Science of Parenting (as already recommended) is fab as it shows MRI scans of the brain damage done by CC methods.

BTW, historically a baby's cry is geared to attract predators. That's why parents don't let baby cry: they want to keep baby safe and a crying baby isn't safe.

Thankyou for all your replies girls, thankyou for your support... i really need it. I emailed DP all the links to the CC articles on BB, which he is yet to read...

We have spent the entire day yelling and screaming at each other about DD crying, AND, it happened again... I went out to pick up some dinner and came back to him telling what an awful time he had with her while i was out, he said that she had a huge crying fit and he couldn't settle her - Gee it's funny how my gorgeous placid baby girl has never ever had a "huge crying fit" before, and how come I can always settle her instantly with a hug? I know the real reason is because he just lets her get hysterical, he thinks (and i'm directly quoting him here) "babies should be left to cry - it's good for them" PFFFFT!!! :angry:

Honestly, I am exhausted after trying to reason with him all day - he won't listen. I am going to go out and buy every single book there is on CC. I'm actually at the point where i don't want to leave her alone with him. It's such a shame he's so stubborn about something that's so simple to fix, and my DD is a great sleeper, she just likes to be cuddled to fall asleep and then she sleeps on her own just fine. I should also add that he leaves her to cry for everything, not just sleep time issues, whether she's hungry, needs a nappy change, anything, he thinks she's doing it for attention. SHE'S 4 WEEKS OLD. She doesn't know what attention is. She just needs love.

I really don't know how i'm going to get through to him.

Thanks again for all your replies girls xox

I read you posts and I feel for you. I had similar argument on CC with my DH when dd just came home and all I did was to put her in her cot crying, went and sat with him on the sofa and ripped the remote from his hands, turned off the sound on the TV and then just sat ... it took him no more than 30 seconds to tell me to go and pick her up. Regretfully, I don't think that is going to work with your hubby.
Do you think he will read the books? Do you think that would change is mind? Maybe he is scared to handle her?? When dd came home, DH would not pick her up on his own accord. The times when I HAD to leave her with him, I would come home to chaos. (he even phoned his mom to come over one night I went to pick up some groceries - I was not even gone for 20 minutes!!) She crying, him frustrated. I just feel that at that age, they feel very quickly that you are not near and that may give birth to the "crying fit" becoming hysteria, and him maybe being "unhandy" and "unsure" can only be like fuel on fire.
:hug: hun, it's not nice to have an argument about something like that when you are suppose to consentrate on baby. Could it be that he feels a bit left out? Maybe that is why he feels she is rooting for your attention by crying, maybe he is the one in need of some attention. You know how they get when they have to share. :)
PS. She is beautifull - looks like a little angel. You are one truly blessed couple!!

My DH is the exact opposite,he cannot handle hearing DD crying,even now she is 14mths and she will be having a whinge because she dosnt wanna sleep and he makes me pick her up and says how can you leave her crying,i tell him she needs to sleep and sometimes its just a whinge because they want to be up and playing.so because of DH DD wouldnt sleep on her own without being rocked until she was about 11mths ,he started a new job and wouldnt be home at bed time and thats when i got her into a routine,she cryed for the first 2 nights for about 15min and then thats it she got used to sleepin on her own.When i told him he simply said i just cant handle her crying,then i realised maybe its not the fact that he feels bad for her but maybe that he gets anoyed by the crying!!!!.
anyway one off track here,but i just say try and show him some material about what you believe is right and at the end of the day your the mother and you know whats best for bubs

Keira - I agree with everyone else, she is far too young. Keep things simple - tell him that the more you comfort her now, the less she will cry in the long run. I'm lucky my DP thinks that CC is BS and will go to her just as much as I will. As a result, we have a baby who very rarely cries (only when hungry).

Maybe he needs to see this as a project. I haven't used it myself but I know there are DVDs out there that suggest that babies cries can be interpreted. An "owww" sound means hungry, an "ehhh" means wind etc. (I have probably got those wrong but you get my drift). Perhaps if he saw that your baby is trying to communicate and it's possible to work it out, he will be more patient. If he's someone who likes to work stuff out, thinks everything is logical and solvable then he will probably take to it like a duck to water.

I wish I knew the name of the woman who put it together. I'm sure someone else will know - I think it's Tracey something. No time to google right now, I REALLY need to eat brekkie.

HI,

You are doing a great job, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The Australian Breastfeeding Association has some information on co-sleeping I believe, and you don't have to be breast feeding to utilise it.

My DH has on occasion said just let him cry, and I've gone into a room to see why DS is crying and he's ignored him.

I did not discuss the issue I told DH that he was a baby and was crying for a reason, most probably hunger, tirdness or he just wanted comfort. being left to scream doesn't solve any of this. I was lucky that my DH realised that if sleeping with us meant he got sleep then he didn't mind that.

My DH wasn't that bad really, but I did make sure I let him know that babies under 3 months don't know how to manipulate you with crying and so no amount of cuddling is going to ruin them or anything like that.

One thing my DH doesn't understand is that while I don't always know what the cry means, I know the difference between a whingey whiney sooky cry and a very distressed or in agony cry, the later really tugs at my heart strings and I don't care how old my son is, if he's crying like that i'm going to cuddle him, even when he's 30 :) Though I won't let him sleep with me then lol

Another one here for The Science of Parenting - just the first chapter will make him change his mind.

I'm not a big fan of controlled crying either, but definitely not for a one month old!

Fiona, you're thinking of Tracey Hogg (the "Baby Whisperer") and, just my opinion here, she's not that great in book form. I'm sure she'd be great in person but I found her book very patronising and it didn't work for me at all (in the early days - it took months before I could pat DS to sleep and then he has to be on his tummy). Luckily I know my baby better than a book so didn't stress it too much, but if I were just a fraction weaker some of her statements could be very upsetting.

Keira

I hope things are going better for you - let us know how you are doing. I just wanted to correct my earlier post in which I said that the baby language thingie was by Tracy someone. It's actually by Priscilla Dunstan and is called Dunstan Baby Language (it's on DVD) - so not the one you were thinking of Caryn.

If you google it you'll get a wikipedia article which will tell you more about it. As you'll see, it's been pooh-poohed by academics challenging its scientific basis. I wouldn't read too much into that - academics will challenge anything put forward by non-academics and put five scientists in the same room and they won't agree on anything very much.

As I said, I haven't used it extensively myself but certainly think it's possible to interpret babies cries so think there is something to what she has to say.

I hope things are working out for you.

Keira... :hug: to you hun. I wish your DP would see it your way... there's been so much good advise and good points already said. I'd like to add that babies do need to be reassured that you are there, especially when they're as young as your little Mia. I used to find Oskar cried a lot more when he was very small but now hardly a peep out of him unless he really needs me. They need to know that you haven't left and you're there when they need you and they're yet to understand and work out that you are not far away from them. I sincerely hope that he reads something and sees that CC is very damaging, particularly in such a young baby. I was told I was spoiling Oskar, but if spoiling him means showing him I love him and am there to give him cuddles and food etc then yep, I'm spoiling him rotten!!

You must be going insane right now trying to deal with this. I feel so lucky to have a partner who sleeps on a mattress on the floor so me and DD can have the double bed to ourselves lol.

I have absolutely no idea what you can do about this.

I'm sure this has already been mentioned, but there are some articles on this website that he should have a look at this. If you ask me, this "controlled crying" is a step backwards into the times of "tough love" for babies, because "babies are greedy and selfish and need to be taught otherwise." (My MIL says things like this to me and I just want to go off!) Point being, hopefully you can convince the husband to read some of the information on this site.

The thing is, the parents (particularly the main care giver - usually the mother) are the first experience of trust a baby has. Babies don't cry because they want something, they cry because they need something (even if it's just a cuddle or some attention), and when you respond to their crying promptly, they learn that they can trust you, and that they are worthwhile people who will be taken care of. People who have parents who respond to their babies properly have a more positive outlook of the world and believe that generally, people are good. They withstand the hard knocks of life better because its built into their brains that the bad stuff is unusual, its not the norm. They also have the confidence to leap over the hurdles in their life. (A counselor friend of mine told me all of this).

People think that when they let their baby cry, their baby has self-soothed. This is rubbish, the baby hasn't self-soothed at all, it has given up. Baby has realized that no matter what she/he does, no one will come and help them and attend to their needs. They withdraw because they learn that they are alone and vulnerable in the world. Apart from the emotional and psychological consequences, its dangerous! What if baby is crying because he/she is in danger? Or what if she/he's hungry? Should a baby just go without food or a clean nappy or extra warmth/less blankets, or be in pain from teething with no relief or comfort?

Ugh. CC is a terrible practice. I really hope you can get this sorted out. I don't know what he's like but if you can, i think you should put your foot down over this. It's just so important.

edit:

I've just read through this thread again and I am really concerned, hey. I absolutely wouldn't leave my baby with my DP if he did this. I mean its one thing to let them whinge for a minute and wait and see if they fall back to sleep (when they're older than a month old, pls!), but even advocates of CC don't recommend you leave a baby who needs food, warmth, new nappy etc. to cry!

I really think that you should do anything and everything necessary to look after your child and not let him railroad your parenting anymore. And if that means that you sleep with your baby in a different room (in a bed of course - sofa co-sleeping is dangerous), or better yet, HE sleeps in another room, then you should do it. If he absolutely won't allow you to take care of your daughter, I would find other accomodation until he comes to his senses. I'm sure that sounds like a huge overreaction but the first two years are THE most crucial time for a baby's development, particulary emotional and psychological development. He could do a lot of damage if you let him. Not to mention the effect that this is having on you.