The Boyfriend

O.K so DD has a boyfriend. She has had boyfriends before, I told her not to bother before she was 15. Nothing serious, they tend to go out more in groups at that age. DD is a "young 15", and doesn't go to parties unsupervised, no boys in the bedroom etc etc.

So N, and DD have known each other since Gr2. I've known him as he used to come and play a few years ago. A funny little fella that always had his hoodie on, even inside, but well mannered etc.

They have continued to high school, left the friendship for awhile (as they do) and it has picked up again recently as they have friends in common too.
Anyway a few months ago, they are chatting on MSN she gets all upset. N's cousin has been hit and killed by a car the night before. They walked to the shops together, the cousin stepped onto the road for hit and the car drove off.
N came over that night and I drove him home. Noticed his mum didn't seem too upset flag. Remembered that DD said N didn't want to talk about it flag.
As the days went by, I asked about the funeral, if N had been etc. Nothing. flag
Dp thinks it's all bollocks, and asks a friend in the police force. By coincidence this person has been working on the road stats for the area and he states categorically that NO person/child has been involved in a hit and run for at least 8 months. The last hit and run driver handed himself in, and the victim was not killed. RED BLEEDIN FLAG!
Anyhoo, I brought all this up to her in a very nice way, she was quite upset but I managed to get through to her that it was important she thinks about why N would feed her all this crap (she was dirty on me that I told her, not really what he did at that point). That everyone had always liked him and there was no need.
She had been falling out with all her girlfriends about him as well flag, and I pointed out that this was the meaning of the code "boyfriends come and go, but friends are there forever". I asked her to ponder this - why don't they like him?, can they see something you can't?.Are they trying to protect you? etc etc.

DD started seeing some more of her gf's after that, I really, really didn't want to push it. We got over the tension (it took a few days).

FFWD to the last 2 weeks. So now they are a couple. They go shopping here and there, DD seems to spend most of her time with the girls. DD tells me she did speak to N about the cousin thing and apparently half of it is true. I state that I'm not happy as he has lied to me (well he didn't directly but I ended up involved) etc, etc. I also state that although I'm not happy with his behaviour, until DD starts showing signs she is in over her head, I won't get in the way (read: I'm not letting this little b@stard get in between me and you). I need his "your mother won't understand" bollocks to fall flat on it's face, but for her to see it happen iykwim?

Oh gawd, how long is this!

Now I've had to tell her off as N has decided it's wayyyy cool to have a swastika on his MSN thingo. I simply won't have that image in my house. TBH, I think N is trying to bait me. As soon as I objected LOUDLY, she gives me "but it's a buddhist peace symbol" crap, so I smartly rearrange her opinion on THAT.

Then comes the satanist issue (in the religion thread).
I'm not too worried about the satanist thing, she is a smart kid. What does worry me a little is N looks like he is quite the manipulator.
I'm not too sure how to monitor this situation.
She does not go out at night by herself. I always know where she is. DD is very independent and responsible.
I am quite proud of how she is turning out - I like her style, I've seen her help others, stand up and vigorously defend her ideals and friends.
She is not in one of the "cool groups" at school and is proud of that.

So what I would like to hear is - have you dealt with a "boyfriend" you didn't like? Has your teen daughter brought home a wierdo lately? How did you handle it?
I'm not looking for speculation on what you might do in this situation - more specifcally I'd like to hear from anyone who has experienced this - or were you in this situation (parents didn't like your bf) yourself?
What did your parents do, what made it worse???

Have a cuppa for getting this far!

Wow what a pickle. You're doing so much better than heaps of mums out there. I think perhaps talk to this boy's mum. Be her friend (if you like her) then perhaps you can see the other side of him. I don't know. I was a teenager at school only 5 years ago but it was very different for me then. I was not a good socialiser as I had a rough childhood of bullying (this is not about me). So I don't know how to help.

I wish i had some advice but I dont, I have read this a few times now & I just keep getting stuck on how he made up such a lie about his cousin. Hopefully someone comes along with some experience for you.

Hey Lulu,
I had a big reply all typed in and my STUPID internet kicked me off!!!
It was a witty intro about having a cupp o tea in one hand and shaking your hand with the other :P
I had a few BF's like Mr N... My mum just told me the same things as you have told your DD..... I didnt listen and learnt the hard way ultimately but she was always there for me at the end of it :)
Your doing the best thing you can by just being there for her... trying to make her see what they are about and hopefully you wont have to pick up the pieces but like any girl we will make mistakes.

I bought home some rat bags there when I was 17ish.... but mum just tried to make me see in the nicest possible way... mainly she tried to get me to question them in my own mind in a 'reverse psycology' way :) but again....... was just there for me when it fell apart and I found out "The hard way" what they were all about.

Sounds like you are doing an awesome job... I probably am no help as such but I just read the whole post and it made me remember when I was her age and my mum tried to make me see to no avail... but how after so many years I FINALLY saw what she meant and married an AWESOME man and an even AWESOMER dad to our DS and our DD that is 8 weeks of being fully cooked :P
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

This is a pickle :)
The thing is that if he realise that he can upset you and drive you and your daughter appart, that is exactly what he will do. And so manipulate her. Your daughter does not sound like the type of girl that would spite her mom and bring home a bad boy, kwim? So she must see something in him that atm you are not getting, right? So why not be as nice a possible, not in a brown-nosy kind of way, but in a interessed in who you are kind of way. Invite him to dinner, alot. Be open about their relationship. Get her to tell you what they have been up to, not prying, but as easy conversation. Don't know if I am coming accross exactly as I would like.
I would start to worry if her behaviour change. And I think you will notice that very quickly, IF something change. HOPEFULLY it's just puppy-love, one month in, next month out.
Great job on him lying to her. And don't feel bad, but I would not like the idea of my precious angle dating a man-beast that has a thing for swatika's!!!
A gf of mine had once told me a very, very true thing. As hard as it is to accept, it's soooo true:
When you are in love, you live in a bubble. Her her case a Mr N-bubble. You are not seeing "outside" what is real and what is happening, because you are in this bubble. No matter what your friends tell you, or what your mom tells you, this bubble is your reality. Only YOU have the power to burst this bubble and see what is really there.
In other words, only she can be the one who decide that he is not for her. Sometimes it's easy, but sometimes it comes with buckets of tears. Just always be there for her and let her know that no matter what happens, you will not shun her.
I think it's still a good thing that she is seeing all her friends.
I don't know what else to say, except good luck :lol:

If all else fails - polish your long-range rifle :cryinglaugh:

PS. Please God, don't let MY angle grow up this fast!!!!

I went through a phase like this, brought home a goth girl who was into witchcraft, went goth for a while ...

(but that stopped when [you'll all get a laugh] I went out in my usual attire... big black boots, black stockings, long black goth skirt, long sleved black shirt [it was summer, I was hot, i didn't tell mum I was hot but she p*ssed herself laughing because she knew I was lol] and really black eyeliner ... I had even put talcum powder on my face to make it very white :p... anyway, we were in Kmart, and I was looking at some clothes, when a kid of about 6-7 walked around the corner, stopped dead in his tracks, looked at me and screamed at the top of his lungs and ran to his mum saying there was a vampire in the shop!!!!!!!!!! I love kids, always have... and scaring that kid scared me!!!!! I didn't dress like that again, funnily enough!)

... anyway, I went goth, had a gf who was into witchcraft and anything... I admit, I allowed myself to be lead and manipulated, but I think the best (i.e. most uncool at the time) thing my parents did was research withcraft with me... a bit like you! Not just saying "ok dear" but actually sat down and read it with me, and explained everything, beliefs and rituals and lifestyle... they even started to talk about it with my gf at the time, which was rather embarrassing (I think that was their point) and ask why we decided to do this and not that in relation to witchcraft, explaining traditional origins.

So for all the effort of trying to shock my parents, I only managed to shock a small boy, which horrified me! My parents were as interested as I was about finding out about it, only they made sure I realised what 'it' actually was, instead of the modern 'teenage' version that was very attractive to us at the time...

Did that make sense? I think you get it, and I think you're doing the right thing. It sounds like she REALLY wants shock value or a conrfontation, for you to put in some 'rules' (i.e. no, you can't practice Satanism) so she can break them IYKWIM? Not that you should say "no you can't"... just describing what I think was so attractive to going goth (and being a rebel [without a cause] :rolleyes: ) for me at the time...

oh gosh I had some freaky b/fs!

Basically My parents both said they were always there for me & that they werent overly fond of the current friend in my life & how I needed to stand up for my own beliefs & not follow others into trouble etc etc...

Over the years that bad boys came & went & I did out my parents thorugh hell...

Then I realised that i didnt want that type of person in my life FOREVER!

Eventually I met the greatest guy on Earth & he loved me for me!

So basically my parents didnt ban any friends butmade me aware that they werent overly impressed with my choice, however it was still MY choice & they'd stand by me....!!!

Good Luck...

Off to fill in the form to send Maddy to a far away land!!!!! LOL

Thanks so much for your replies girls. Between this and the religion thread I have decided I WILL invite the little bugger over for lunch and dinner.....

I simply cannot believe that I seem to have a child UNLIKE me as a teenager.

I couldn't tell you all the stuff I used to get up to by the time I was her age....well maybe I could....maybe....if Tracey comes in and adds her 2cents!

Nadine - when she was born I was thinking of getting a gun licence purely for the boy issue. However I have a better weapon....my partner. He looks as scary as hell, tattoed from on end to the other and I've made him promise not to be his usual friendly self if any boys are around.

Leasha - sorry but I did have a big ole giggle about your goth stage

Kitty - ggrrrr, I used to always lose a post with a damn good intro. I copy anything I have taken a while to type so I can paste it back in.

Cate and Lindsay - you have awhile to go before you cop this *yay*, but if I'm still around when you do - give me a bell. I should be an EXPERT by that stage.

Might update this with any further shenanigans.......

Lulu - You sound like you are doing an excellent job with your DD. You are going about it the right way, if you were to come down hard and try to stop her from seeing him, well she's just not going to listen. Hopefully he doesnt turn out to be such a strange one after all (although that lie is a bit worrying). Maybe she will eventually listen to her friends and/or come to her senses, but in the meantime theres not too much you can do. I remember being a teenager as I'm sure you do too, and being 'in love', no one can tell you its just puppy love, you think its the real thing and you are going to get married hahaha. Good luck and I hope you have a nice tea and I hope he turns out to be alright!!

Leasha - Hehe thats hillarious, I couldnt help but have a little laugh myself!!!

Lulu, you know what I was thinking when I read your partner is a "boy-repelent" ???? Have you watched that sene in Bad Boys 2, where the guy comes to pick up the girl for a date and her dad (martin lawrence) and his friend (will smith) is harassing him??
I am sitting her PSML!!!!!!
Actually I was thinking about hiring them, of your partner, for hmmm say about 30 years???? :lol:
My DH will be quite protective too, but he has no tattoo's for the shock value, but he has about four hunting riffles and her uncle has about five and a long-bow. So we are armed to the teeth
OK, went off topic there :lol:
I do think inviting him and getting to know him better, even if you don't realy want too, will be wise.
Good Luck!! :goodluck:

He better be a boy-repellent! I might hire out that movie and make him watch it.

Oh do, it's a great movie and that scene will crack you up!!!

Lulu - I haven't had time to read all the other replies, but my advice is to beat this little b@stard at his own game! If he's playing you against your daughter and baiting you, then do the same to him. He's 15, you're older and a hell of a lot smarter than this little *****!!!

I so feel your anger!!!

Keep a close eye on this guy...

Celsie. xoxox

Hi LuLu ~

I followed your satanist thread too & I have to admit i had a few little giggles here and there, I remeber being just like your daugther *sigh* I can understand your concern & I think inviting him over for dinner is a great idea but better yet why not invite his parents too? (You could even bring up his poor dead cousin) how much more embarrassing could it get?

Hi Lulu,

You are so amazing! Love your ability to take it in your stride!

I can give you both sides here... i brought home dropkicks (much to my parents horror and brother's amusement!). My parents did the exact oppsite of what you are doing. My father was in the Army so I got the "My way or the high way - I say Jump, you say how high" speech. And a fat lot of good that did! I just found ways around it... would say I was going to one place, and head for another. When they cottoned on to that, my friends would invite BF to their place and that's where I would tell parents I was heading. They'd drop me off, see me go inside, wait up the street for 15 minutes to make sure I didn't sneak off (DUH! As if I didn't know! LOL). Then they cottoned on to that, I'd get grounded. My parents tried yelling at me in public over it (but I was so used to them behaving like that in general it didn't phase me). Everything they tried failed. Well, except in one case when I brought home a guy I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly liked and Dad and a good family friend (also in the Army) sat their cleaning their rifles (they both were part of a firearms club)... scared the dude so much so he walked straight out and never spoke to me again! I can laugh at that now... but back then... way uncool! From my parents perspective - very effective! Other than the fact he was the only NICE boy I brought home before the BF I had before DH (and of course DH himself!). But bottom line... my parents laid down one ule after another with no leeway and made no effort to get to know my BF's. So I found ways to "rebell". I always saw their flaws in the end and would move on... It took a couple of BF's before I saw the overall mistake I was making but I got their in the end. And it was only my peers who made me see those mistakes BTW.

Other side of the coin. My little sister moved in with DHand I (long story) and we bacme her guardians for a period of time. She brought home some MEGA drop kicks. She was aready a bit of a wild child so I simply put boundaries in place. I told her the house rules; we always know where you are and when you'll be back. If you're running late - call regardless of the time; under no circumstances, no drugs and if BF takes them - not in our house; no unsafe sex. We invited the BF around for dinner so we could meet them. On one occassion, my sister broke a rule and instead of going off the deep end at her, I sat her down and told her I was disappointed she didn't respect us enough to obey the rules and asked what she thought the consequence of her actions should be. She was so shocked (after having experienced our parents) and gave herself a much harsher consequence than I was going to! I only had to play the heavy once when she got involved in something dangerous. The BF presented at our house and I refused to let him in (this wasn't pretty). I stopped my sister from leaving. The next day I introduced her to someone from work who had BTDT and who scared the crap out of her. Although the message got through (but she wouldn't admit it for some time), it did cause tension between us for a while (a couple of months). But, in that situation, I chose to sacrifice my relationship with my sister for her safety. She now understands that.

So (geez this is long!) I think what you're doing is PERFECT. Playing the heavy hand usually just sends them "underground" and is the beginning of deceit, lies, and a lack of trust. Your DD already has the foundation blocks of being a wonderful person and I don't doubt she will draw on that to make her decisions. Be honest with her at all times, stick to the facts when talking to her about her BF (so he can't manipulate anything you say), and be there for her when she wants to talk.

Good luck!

MG

i have a boyfriend story from when i was 15.. he was 19 (he actually worked with dad) i also worked there, so we managed to see a lot of each other, then he would hang around way after his shift would finish while i was working etc and it wen on from there, we started writing letters, and then he actually said to ask mum n dad of they minded us being together.. they werent too happy, but at the same time, my dad was good friends with his mum (who also worked at the same company!)

we started going out to the movies/shopping/watching dvds at his place, and the trouble started here - i kept coming home too late.. 12 was my curfew (he had a car & licence) so i would be home @ 1, 2, 3... oops!

then i stopped seeing my friends, wasnt interested in going to parties, and we spoke on the phone every night for hours- i was only allowed to go out on the weekends. mum kept trying to ask why i didnt see this friend or that friend anymore, but i just said i didnt know.. but really the reason was him, he would say 'why do you want to go to that party for, just to see the guys? ' or 'we just went shopping on saturday, why do you need to go with so snd so' hmm alarm bells shoudl have rang then, but not for this love struck 15 yo!

then the trouble really starts... mum says thats it.. no more. we never EVER argued about anything.. and we argued about this, which upset me so much. we were told not to contact each other, dad even told bf's mum the situation, she said she will do what she can, but cant stop him going out or whatever as he is 19.

we used to hide letters at work for each other at shift swapover (he worked days, i did 2 nights a week) sometime i would leave a letter on my window sill outside, and wake up @ like 6am to find it gone and one left for me... ohh how i felt like romeo and juliet!! i just could not see that he was brainwashing me into believeing everyword he said, at one point he told me the story of how his parent were 15 & 19 when he was born (which was true, and i already knew this) and that would it be funny if the same thing happend to us at the same age.. more alarm bells?? he was the first person i slept with, and we only used protection once or twice, as he said 'dont worry, nothing will happen' well, i missed 2 periods, then one day at school i had cramps and the heaviest period id ever had. when i told him he was so angry and said 'u were probably pregnant and youve lost it now'

ohh i could go on, but eventually i saw the light, saw that he wasnt right for me, that mum was right all along, i eventually told him i couldnt sneak around, and it was over... i just ignored him, left his letters whenever he put them and didnt reply. even now, if something comes up about him, i feel bad but i make the effort to say to mum she did the right thing in taking charge to look after me!

we still worked together for about 3 years after that, but all was good, we spoke as friends, mum and dad didnt mind, they knew it was over.. we did actually sneak away and have a kiss at a work party once, it was nice and it was like a closure for me (thats how i felt at the time anyway)

im sorry if this story doesnt make much sense, and i may have carried away from the point, but im actually all emotional now after writing it!!

I had my share of drop-kick boyfriends over the years...

The one thing I did find, is that the more my parents objected to them, the more determined I was to keep sneaking around behind their backs. All it did was make me lie, close up and keep them completely out of the loop of what was going on in my life.

Eventually, mum got wise. The drop-kick boyfriends were invited over for dinner, etc. Accepted, welcomed... and strangely enough, without the parental objections, I fidgured out very, very quickly that they just weren't for me and that was that.

I didn't really do the rebelious teenager thing until I hit 19, was at uni and able to drive a car, so there really wasn't a lot my parents could do then. I ended up getting myself into some really awful situations that I'm so dreadfully ashamed of now. I'm so glad that I eventually saw my way through to make some changes in my life. I've been married to the most awesome man for nearly 10 years now, and despite the fact that this all went on nearly 15 years ago, I still cringe in shame and embarassment.

Lulu, I think you're doing the right thing. Try to protect your daughter by all means, but don't openly and strongly object to the boy - this will just get her back up and make her sneak around and lie. Give them the opportunity to be together, but in your house in a fairly supervised manner and hopefully you'll be able to slowly and gently open your daughter's eyes to the manipulations of this boy.

It always surprised me that my father never did the gun cleaning thing with any of my boyfriends... but that could have been the fact that the entire family (myself included) were involved in target shooting, and a handful of the drop-kick boyfriends were picked up through those contacts.

I hope this helps, and good luck to you!

BW

My DD is still very young so I have no experience from a parents perspective here at all, but since it hasn't been that long since I was 15, I can comment on that. I don't know how a parent should deal with this (i'm dreading having to find out!) but I think it's really important that you do SOMETHING. My mother let me date whoever I wanted and was very lenient, and although I appreciated it at the time, it did me no good. Good luck!

We ll he has been over a few times, they spent time together on the holidays and she sees all her other friends too.

The Boyfriend has now moved about an hour away. The poor kid was getting the cr@p beaten out of him by his mothers bf. This I know to be somewhat true, the bloke is a psycho and probably where the kids problems lie...

Anyway dd says she will "make him" enrol in the new school with his cousin - we'll just have to see how long it lasts with the distance between them.

Thanks everyone for your insight. I hope I won't be back in here again!

After reading everything else, I was going to post - what is going on for the Boyfriend...because i felt in my gut something was up... and then I got to your last post. By the sound of it, you are raising a beautifully self aware, confident, compassionate young woman, and she was taking care of this hurting young man.... can't fault her for caring about others -saving them is another thing, but i guess you will just have to wait and see where it goes from here. Well done Lulu, you should be proud of you and her. your doing great at one of the hardest jobs in the world!

I have found with Jess when she had a BF I didn't really like/felt funny about I just said nothing negative about it and waited for it to pass. That way we hadn't fought and I knew she wouldn't get her back up and see him to spite me. She has never had one that was too terrible luckily!! (YET!) At least at this age they don't seem to stay together for too long although she has been with her current one for 5 months but that's OK cause I love him.
Its so hard isn't it? Teenagers seem to have split personalities and you never know which one you are going to have to deal with!

LOl firstly... heyyyy sexy lulu!! Now... although im pregnant with my first i totally get where your coming from and i will be the first to admit that when dd brings home her first boyfriend it will be a lonnnnng chat with dd,the boy as well as myself and dp .. my dp is also scruffy looking and be very scary 6"4 shaved head and a goatee.. no one will be hurting his little girl iykwim. Now in saying all this.. when i was a teenager i had a boyfriend who i'd known since i was like 7 years old... my dad was sooo over protective.. ( he actually had a gun license .. with many guns) and the more that i knew he didnt like the boyfriend the more i rebelled there were times where i didnt even know if i really liked the boyfriend but seeing as it wasnt being accepted by my dad made me want to do it more... luckily now though they absolutely adore dp and vice versa (plus now im older im not dating idiots lol) but yeah .. tough situation.. you dont want her to get into any trouble but at the same time its hard to pretend to like someone when you dont lol

I chatted to Jess about this thread Lulu and she agreed that the more you say you don't want her to see the guy the more she will want to, she thinks you'd be best just letting him come over and being pleasant and let it run its course.
BTW I love these threads cause I can chat to jess about them in a non threatening way.

I pretty much expressed how I was dissapointed in the whole lie thing. I knew it must be indicitive of something more and didn't want dd caught up in the drama of it all. Like she needs any more reason to be a Drama Queen!

Accepting him has been the best way to go, I knew it would be but when they start being all weird on you, you realise that this could be The Crunch. The time when your parenting is to be tried out in the open for all to see....

I should have had more faith in myself and I will next time. I am painfully aware DD has been left behind a bit with the 2 new babies coming along in quick succession and I sometimes I panic I missed something important in between bfing and cleaning weet bix off the walls, nappy changes etc etc etc. I was totally unprepared for how little time I had for the Teen Queen.

I still make time for our chats - even if I have to ring her staight after school. Just because she can fend for herself doesn't mean I should leave her to it. I remember always wanting to be left alone as a teen, but it wasn't always to best for me!

I find that too Lulu. I often take Jess for granted and find it hard to give her enough time cause Riley is so little. I find in some ways though coping with all the different age related problems is not as stressful as if I was coping with 3 teens IYKWIM?

But Lulu, sometimes parents don't realise that teenagers are alot smarter than we give them credit for. She sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders and spose could be doing alot worse than what she is. She would realise the pressure your under with babies. Although my mother and I had some very heated moments when I was a teenager I had the sort of relationship with her where nothing was kept from her, she knew everything I was doing, where I was etc and I absolutely loved being able to do what I wanted just as long as I honest with her. I hopethat when my dd is older I will have the same relationship with her I believe there is still ways for mother and daughter to be friends as well as being able to be mother and daughter with boundaries/rules and consequences. Also I forgot to say in my last post.. she's 15.. and this is pretty much what all 15 year olds these days go through...just be thankful she's not hanging around with boys much older than she is. Hopefully my opinion has helped as im still young (not that you girls are old lol) even though I don't have a child as of yet...