No Visitor rule at the hospital

I'll try and get this rant out and just hope someone can understand what I am saying. Am I being totally unreasonable on this?? Please note, if for any reason I need to go in for a C-section and have to spend longer in hospital the story changes a little and I will waiver the NO VISITORS rules.

So here goes...... The setting was outside a hospital waiting for the results of a CT that his brother had just had to have after being in a car accident (couldn't think of a better time to bring up the birth of a baby :dunno: what was he thinking bringing it up then)

DP went on to tell his whole family how I don't want people to visit in hospital. The way I see it if its a natural burth I'm only there for 2 days and then Im back home, they can meet me at home the day I arrive for all I care but all I want is a little time to get to know the person Ihave been carrying for the last 9 months without people watching me or taking the baby and holding it themself. Its only 48 hours tops. But his family got all huffy about it and when I said no offence but I dont want anyone int eh hospital with me they took it the wrong way to start with and replied with a 'of course we wont be in there we will wait in the waiting room' which got me furious in the end. Ok I understand being a little put off by not being able to visit in hospital at all but they think they can come and wait int he waiting room till 5 minutes afte the baby is born and come in and hold it, they are out of the their minds!!!! Please can I spend at least 10 minutes with my baby and then please can i eat shower sleep whatever. I will be exhausted. But as the conversation got a little heated Barb turned to me and said 'Wayne has rights too, after all he is the grandfather' ARGH. I left it at that. Just kept thinking to myself I have rights I am the one going through this and if this is what I chose it isnt going to kill them to take that on board. I am not taking the baby away from them, in fact I am sure when I am tired and want a little time to myself I will be more then glad to let them come and hold the baby all day if they like. So I have made the executive decision that Dave either fixes the mess he made by bringing it up or I don't tell him either when I go into labour. Of all people I expected him to respect my wishes with this one.

PS. This stands for my non-existent family as well - I do not want my (real) cousin who is the closest family member I have (after being fostered when I was 12) to come and visit either!

hey, i felt exactly the same way, didn't want anyone there, and especially didn't want them in the waiting room, waiting to get in and ask to hold my baby.... in the end it was the last thing on my mind and i was so out of it i didn't care.... but next time i won't be having any visitors at all, except on the first day, then after that its my rest time with bubs..... i completely understand how you feel, but be warned, the first day might be the best day to have visitors, you will be on a high and in a great mood... its the days after that everything goes haywire and you can get VERY emotional and the thought of visitors can become very overwhelming... good luck.

I think that's fair enough, it's only 48 hours and whilst I understand that your ILs are only motivated by love sometimes it's best to show your love by letting people have a bit of space.
DH and I had a massive arguement when I was pregnant with Yasin and I said I didn't want him telling his family I was in labour so I know exactly where you're coming from.
You've still got lots of time to get them used to the idea.

i wanted the same thing. make sure you are very forthright about it and if required get the hospital on side - tell them you don't want the visitors allowed in.
I ended up with no less than 20 people in my room on the second night after I gave birth, it wasn't pretty, and the next day was an absolute nightmare!

I really don't think any family has the right to know you are in labor...it's your time & they get the suprise of a call (sometimes in the middle of the night) to find out what you had etc & you can even hold off on that call until you are ready.
Though I must say the first day you will still be on a high, bubs will sleep lots & it could be nice to have the visitors then. You also have the care of nursing staff. When you get home it can so different for the first few days, adjusting and so on. That was the actually the time I wanted to be left alone. Milk had just come in, you can get the blues, no nurses to help, worried about sleeping & it's noisy, people left right & centre & it seemed they all came at once. I'd rather do that in the hosp. But that's just me.

I dont think it is an unreasonable request especially when you are a first time mum and want to get to know the little person you created all on your own before having them overwhelmed with family.
I didnt want anyone to know when I was in labour- I hated the thought of everyone waiting around for me to have the baby, it felt like way too much pressure.
I will probably only have mum and dad to visit at the hospital this time because they will have our DD, and I want to see her as soon as possible, but everyone else can wait till I get home, as I will only be in hospital for 24 hours TOPS.

Each to their own, you have to do what you feel comfortable with. Your baby, your decision.

However, I was dying for people to come and visit us in hossy. I wanted to show off my baby! And in hossy you don't have to entertain people, you know when they're coming (to a certain extent) and they can't hang around for hours. Also, if you really don't want to see anyone on a particular day you can tell the midwives to get rid of people for you.

As Emma said, the first couple of days you are on a massive high, you couldn't care less who sees you. Although it's still great when you go home, life becomes a little more frantic. My advice to you when you do go home is to make up a sign for the door. When you need to sleep during the day the last thing you need is someone knocking on your door! Write on the sign something like mum and bub are sleeping, please come back later. It worked for us, we had a number of people who came back later and told us they'd been around earlier. In fact a few of our friends said they wished they'd thought of doing it!

As for people waiting for you while you're in labour, that's just WRONG! If you're really worried about it, simply don't tell them until the baby has been born. We told our parents only, but we knew they wouldn't come in to the hospital until we said it was okay.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and enjoy your baby :)

I felt exactly the same way and there were many arguments before my DD arrived which just added to my stress levels......ggggrrrr still makes me mad!

In the end we decided not to tell anybody when I went into labour as my ILs were planning on waiting at the hospital while I was in labour. I was not having that happen!!! My DD was born at 9pm and we didn't phone anybody until the next morning. Yes you guessed it, there were some very upset rellies but they got over it. I also wanted time with my newborn and time to sleep/rest etc etc. Also it can be daunting starting to bf for the first time and I wanted a little time on my own with DH and midwives to help me!

I was in hospital for 4 days and we allowed close family to come on the second day, all other family/friends visited us when we were settled in at home. THis suited us as we have a large family and I didn't want them all showing up and crowding my hospital room.

Good luck, its your decision and you should do what makes you feel comfortable. :)

We were only in hospital 24ish hours too. First time baby too, here's how we did it - it could be a good compromise?

We didn't tell anyone we were in labour (this time is gonna have to be different, cos someone's going to need to watch Riv). River was born around 1:30pm, I had my stitches, our first breastfeed, just hung out as a family with our birth support partner too. Then maybe around 4:30pm (total guess) when we were ready, dh called our families (MY family weren't allowed to come without a coke slurpee in hand!), mine rocked up about 6, his about 7 and didn't stay for too much more than an hour.

I agree to get the hospital on your side, whatever you decide. I found it a little hard to get my family moving once I was over it, ended up telling dh to kick em out - they weren't any trouble, I was just ready to sleep. But if you ask a midwife to check on you every so often while they're there, then you can quietly say 'hey, can you tell them I've had enough and they need to leave'?

But definitely, your baby, your experience, your choice. And definitely a chat to dh reminding him how much you need this support from him. If he really wants his family to be there - then maybe leave it open? Say, 'hey once the baby's born, and I've had 2 hours or so to bond, why don't we take it from there?' You might get bored and welcome visitors, since all bub does is sleep, you might want to call his fam and say 'you can come, but only if you bring some Maccas'. :p

All the best with what you decide, and all the best with getting your dh to see things from your point of view - that after all that hard work, you deserve a bit of time out!

ETA: By the way, what Lis says is right, whatever your decide, your family probably will get over it once they've seen the baby!

I am with you, I have always thought to myself that I really just want time with Shel and our new little one, as a family... Family will have YEARS to come and visit, those first few days are precious I think, and would be nice to have just as our little family unit. It's your body, your baby, and your choice. A friend who had her bub earlier this year told the midwives "no visitors" and she got lots of peace and quiet (except from her mum :p) with her partner and new bub. You might decide to change that rule, but if not, just make sure your partner is on side with you, so yuo get some extra support.

Also, adding from what Janie said, I have also heard the sign thing. Someone else said to me to leave a pen stuck to the door with blue tack and some paper, for people to write messages and let you know they have called around. That might be nice too.

Hi ~

I completely know how you feel, I had an elective C-sec because bubby was breech, I was booked in for 2pm but they were running late...
we were keeping MIL updated on how things were going so DF called her at about 2:30 to tell her i wasn't going in for another hour or so, however she didn't answer her phone and instead showed up at the hospy about 10 minutes later (we thought we were safe because she lives hours away, but she was waiting outside & we didn't even know!!), not by herself but with 4, YUP FOUR other random people from DF's extended family that HE barely even knows because she thought he was calling to say i'd had the baby, We sent them away and they kept coming back every half hour, They, as well as my mum, were all there waiting for us when i come back from recovery. I was so angry, I wanted to feed Scarlet but i couldn't, i wanted to recover from the C-sec but i couldn't, I didn't want to talk to them about the birth because i was wrecked & I really didn't want scarlet being passed around at only 3hrs (if that) old.
DF & i really needed some time to 'come down' we were both in awe, shock and total amazement.

I only stayed in hospital for 2 days so they all could have waited!

Other visitors were great, like my sister who come in for about 5 mins to give me pressies, hugs, see bubby, wish me well then leave.

My experience was so bad that if i ever have another baby i'm considering hiring a bouncer!

ETA: Oh i forgot to mention the mobile phone photo's, They took hundreds of me and scarlet & proceeded to sms them to every living family member they had a phone number for. *sigh* I am not usually a vain person but i really didn't need Shannon's uncle's girlfriend's sister's cousin's BIL's next door neighbour having pictures of me wearing a big purple tent-like hospital gown, with my BB's hanging out after just having a major operation.

I had a no visitor rule for one week so I got the hospital stay then some time at home before people would come in.

I think it's horrible when family waits in the waiting room when people are in labour and I would freak out if anyone but my partner and kids visited me in hospital at all.

His family didn't like it, but they didn't get a choice.

Enforce your rights, there is nothing wrong with wanting that at all.

Thanks guys, being the moody person that I am at the moment it bought a tear to my eye to know that I wasn't asking too much.

I was really beginning to feel like I was wrong and asking to much and to be totally blatent DP was making me feel like an outright b*****.

I've got 6 months to convince him to keep it all quiet, hopefully its enough time to really get my point across. The biggest thing is not having them wait during labour, who knows maybe I will change my mind about visitors when the time comes - after the baby is born and I have had a few hours to myself/ourselves.

So far though it has been really stressful trying to talk to him about it and even more so that he has already told them what my wishes were and with how they reacted.

Thanks again for the support I really appreciate it.

PS I love the sign with the pen and paper on the door idea, I will definately be doing that!!!

Would you believe my MIL waited outside while SIL was in labour and then walked in and grabbed the baby 10 minutes after she was born while SIL was trying to initiate breastfeeding - and DH didn't understand why I didn't want her to know I was in labour :rolleyes:

Don't tell your family you are in labour!

Smudgies this is fair enough.
We had no one at the hospital - DH actually went back to work the next morning- so i didnt even have him

We dont have family near us - so our rule was no visitors for 6 weeks to our house !
Tell them that and see how it goes down lol

And Samantha that is a great idea!
We didnt tell anyone i was in labour so that we didnt have the calls every hour - has she had it yet blah blah blah. We rang people about 2 hours after the birth and told them and they were like... you've had the baby.. omigod wow!

I have also been told which i think is great advise for next time (remember!!!)... tell people your due date is 2 - 3 weeks later than it actually is then you wont have them hassling you when you are due!

My mum came to see me about 45 mins or so after James was born, but she was the only family around at the time. I was quite happy to have her there but this is something that Chris and I haven't discussed. I'm fairly certain I'll be absolutely shagged after the birth - if it all goes to plan and Ramlet is birthed vaginally.

I suppose immediate family, like parents and siblings would be fine for me (thankfully we both have small immediate families). My mum will be in town and I have one sister in Brisbane, the other is in Sydney. Chris's parents live here too and his brother doesn't live in Brisbane. I guess having them there almost immediately after the birth (depending on the time of day) will probably be ok, but I'll request that perhaps they only stay for about 30 mins or so.

He should be home soon, so there's something else to talk about!

I'd be very forceful about it. If DP was okay with his mum and family waiting outside while I'd be in labour, I would have kicked him out.

She tried it with us, but I nipped that thought in the bud instantly. I even threatened DP with refusing to go to the hospital and I would birth at home and he would have to catch the baby. That fixed it.

It's downright abusive to be discounting your thoughts. ...they aren't the ones giving birth you are, and it is very rare for any mother who's just been through that to want anyone waiting outside...LET ALONE THEIR IN-LAWS!

It makes me really angry when people in the extended family assert some kind of ownership over the birth, if he or they don't listen to you, tell me and I'll come there fists flying ;)

Seriously, assert your rights. you are being PERFECTLY REASONABLE.

Thankfully I was in a situation where most of my family and in-laws were interstate, but I still had the rule that no-one was to know when I went into labour, there was a slight fear of someone getting on a flight the moment or constantly calling the hospital.

I had a long labour, that ended in an emergency c-section. I was stuffed! I did get a few visitors, but the moment they arrived and I wanted them gone, it was just too much. I like knowing that people cared enough to visit, but dealing with the annoying chit chat was too much. One friend's BF sat there and tried talking to me about his hunting weekend. I was completely stunned, here I am, I have just had a baby and he wants to talk about hunting! When my friend wanted to visit after I got home I asked her not to bring her BF this time.

Do what you feel comfortable with and learn from it. Looks as though you will have a few more battles in the future where your in-laws will try to put their needs before yours. For some reason with a new bub the new mum's needs and feelings can be totally ignored. Good luck.

i have had this discussion with my DH too!!
he thinks im being a ***** about it but then i explaied to him about all the blood and yukkyness and his bonding time with the baby, and the MW told us that the hossy leaves you in the labour room for a while to establish BF before the baby is removed and stuff....

in the end i told him mother that i didnt want people waitign outside and that they will be caled when we go into labour - as i have pets to feed and stuff - then they will be called afterwards and told when they can come to see baby. and my hossy has onyl 2 2hour periods of visting anyway, and they work durign those times.....

its the when we are at home and the not visiting EVERYDAY that has me worried - his mother is a smotherer, and will not understand why i want time out! my mum might be here right around the birth (shes flying in 8 days after my due date) so MIL thinks she has the right to be over as uch as my mum - who has to live at my house!!

sorry for hijacking

and i love the note pad idea but that was shot down by DH as rude...
i will be puttign a message on teh answerign machine saying something like " hi, we are all doing fine!! we are probably sleeping or really busy right now, please leave us a message and well cal you back when the little one will let us!!)


stick to your guns tho!! i did with the hossy thing and it worked

I was exactly the same. I was being induced but we only told the date to a select few family members (who we knew would respect our wishes about no visitors).

We didn't even call people to tell them he had been born until 2 hours after the birth because we were getting to know eachother and doing infant led attachment. DS spent a bit of time in the special care nursery the night he was born, so our first visitors (my mum and dad) came about 24 hours after he was born. The only other visitors we had in hossy were my Doula, a very close friend and another couple and we were there for 4 days.

We also had a no house guest rule for about a month. When our family traveled from interestate to see us when DS was about 2 weeks old, they stayed at hotels.

Don't get my wrong, we are real family people and love our family dearly but I just needed my space, so I completely understand that you don't want hordes of family grabbing at you and your bub in your first moments together.

Lv Spring

Keep in mind as well, if rellies want to pop straight in and whisk your bub away when you should be bonding, that could have a pretty bad impact on the establishment of breastfeeding and you guys settling in as a family. Why don't you discuss that with your doctor/midwife and then you can report back to your partner and say 'hey, this is what could happen if your family barge in too soon'.

Plus, if you don't control your visitors/visiting hours, then you start to get even more tired, grumpy, sad - it's so important to feel 'in control' when you're learning about a new bub - you need to be very very firm about this, because you don't want to risk depression or anything either.

Even a 'let's not call anyone until bub has had their first breastfeed'? Like you said, you've got a good 6 months to negotiate this with your partner, but be firm!! And get experts (drs/midwives) to back you up til your partner agrees with you and will go into battle with his family for you! :)

Certainly not unreasonable at all to ask no one to visit for a couple of days. I wanted to do that, but in the end I was so buggered that I actually didnt have the energy to tell people to go away. I regreted it for ages, and sometmes I am still annoyed by the fact that the hospital let my sister in to wait outside my room in the labour ward while I was still giving birth, and then the IL's were waiting at the post natal ward when I got up there even after I told them not to come in.

I didnt klike so many people just showing up unannounced because I was tired, and I refused to sleep while they were there because I wanted to be with my baby and I didnt want them to take away my baby, iykwim?

Next time I think I will be more strict with a no visiting rule.

I had announced to everyone that we didnt want any visitors but they came anyway, I was so upset cause I was so tired & when they all decided to come was just as DD had gone to sleep..she then woke up cause of all the noise and didnt sleep till 5am (they all came after lunch at 1pm). This time I im going to have the nurses know that I dont want any visitors at all..

I totally know what you mean, and it seems like alot of people feel the same way. I knew I'd be tired after the birth, but I didnt expect to be as tired as I was. Firstly, I had a 36 hr labour and by the end of it I was exhausted, I never had any sleep. Then as soon as she popped out everyone was waiting in the waiting room! Sooo annoying, here I am wanting to rest and start BFing but I've got in laws, cousins, nannas etc looking on. AND not to mention my MIL rocked up on the second day I was in hospital and stayed for the whole entire day including the non visiting hrs. Next time I will know better and tell them to wait till I get home. I strongly advise you to keep family away (even if you want your mum etc to come in just get them to come in for half an hr) If they wont respect your wishes, then they are very rude. Grr this makes me angry, i'm still stewing about what happened to me hehehe

I completely understand where you are coming from! especially with your first. We had in our birth pan that no-one was to come in for at least one hour after the birth. It ended up being about 2 hours when the midwife eventally came and said "there is a bit of a mob out here wanting to know if they can come in" They were only allowed in 2 at a time (midwife suggested this) and only for 15min. They had a cuddle and then they went home. Strangely enough noone came and visited me for the next 4days which actually made me a bit depressed as there isn't much to do in hossy esp when you have a sleepy little bubba who just slept and slept.

This is just my experience and I do know what you mean by not wanting anyone to be there and wanting to have some bonding time etc but it is really nice to have visitors (given some rules) It's nice to talk to people about bub and the birth and yes you are only in there for a few days but I would much rather have visitors at hospital than at home when I had to worry about making cups of tea and ensuring the house was tidy.

Some rules our hospital suggested and enforced on our behalf
- noone except DH for the first few hours incl. dr and midwifes so no weighing, bathing etc
- 15 min visits and 2 at a time after the birth
- no handling of the baby in the hospital (this was actually printed on a card in his bassinette something like - please leave me be, too many people holding me makes me unsettled") then it was up to us so if we didn't mind them having a cuddle we would say, oh never mind and if there were too many people or whatever we would just refer to the card and say the midwives get a bit annoyed if they come in and find you not obeying the rules.

All the best with your birth and I hope you find a solution!

Wow, I knew our families were good, I didn't realise just how lucky we were! If anyone even suggested that they might wait outside the delivery suite they would be told to pi$$ off pretty quickly! And waiting in your room....how rude! I understand people are excited, but would it kill them to wait just a little bit?!

Don't get me wrong, there was great excitement on both sides of the family upon DS arrival, but our families realised it was OUR day and respected that. They were more than happy to fit in with what we wanted/needed.

:hugs: to all of you who have had to put up with pushy visitors.

ETA Couldn't agree more Saram! My bub just slept all of the time, and although I had DH with me, we were dying for visitors! We just wanted to share our joy with everyone! And it's so much easier to have visitors in the hossy than at home ;)

Something else I've thought of (lol, having lots of afterthoughts on this topic!) is that you can read about all the resentment people have at their bad experiences - you only get this experience once, and if your inlaws barge in and overstay their welcome in your special never-can-be-reclaimed moments, you will take a LONG time to get over that annoyance.

Which is WHY it is worth
- making your wishes clear beforehand, deciding with your partner what is going to happen, and then getting your partner and the nurses to enforce this for you, no matter how firm they have to be; and

- not worrying about offending people. If you want them gone, and you want a nap with just you and your bubba, ask them to leave, and if they don't, call a nurse and don't give up til they're gone. If your partner wants, they can all troop down to the hospital cafe for a chat or something. But DON'T compromise on your comfort and experience, because the resentment is HARD to get over. And you don't want that anger, when you are working to settle in with your bub.

Make it clear, that while they might be welcome, it is on YOUR terms. :) Be brave and be firm hon.

I don't think that's unreasonable that u don't want everyone there 5 mins after the birth all crowding & pawing at the baby.My mum was there during the labour last time but she just sat quietly in the corner & she didn't even touch the baby until after i'd had a shower & got settled,& then she asked b4 she did.My brother came up to pick up my mum so i saw him for about 10 mins but other than that i didn't see anyone else for about 24 hrs (except hubby of course) oh & my Dad bought my kids up the next evening of course .My inlaws would never make demands like that & even if my MIL did get a bit over excited & want to rush up to the hospital straight away my hubby would set her straight anyway:lol:

I had said I didn't want anyone knowing I was in labour, but then I had an induction immediately after a check up with my OB. Mum knew I had the appointment so I had to tell her I was being induced. If she had waited in the waiting room she would have been waiting for 35 hours - tell your ILs that!!! We called MIL and my mum about an hour after DD was born (10.15pm) and invited them to visit the next day. DH's sisters were told (via MIL) to come only in the early evening and WITHOUT their childern (5 boys under 8 between them). Needless to say, I was furious when they all showed up with their children at about 3.30 pm. My parents and grandmother live 150kms away so its not as if they could just pop in and I was so angry that our wishes (DH agreed with me) were ignored, and that my folks had to share their precious time with their granddaughter. If it happens again this time, I'll be far less polite than I was with DD!! I ended up at one point with 11 adults and 5 children visiting all at the one time

I think at the end of it it doesn't matter if you actually are being unreasonable (and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all). Its your baby, your labour and your new family and whatever you want should be accepted by everybody. Like the others have said, I would be leaving instructions with the hospital staff that no visitors were to be admitted until you told them otherwise.

After my DD was born, I had all the IL's arrive for a visit. I had had an emergency c/section after a long labour and wanted some sleep, but they all decided to visit asap. The midwife was pretty peeved that so many had come at once, and she said that as DD's temp was low, she didn't want any of them unwrapping her or they would put DD in the special care nursery for a day! I was that tired that I could see the IL's unwrapping DD, but couldn't say anything.
They all wanted to stay around and watch me have needles in my leg, and my second breastfeed as well. It was horribly overwhelming for me, and I've learnt from it now.
I've already told DH that they are NOT to visit on the first day, I will let them know when they can visit, how many and for how long. If they don't like it, then they will not be welcome. I've told my family this as well and they are fine with it, just have to tell the IL's in a few months :)

It's your body, your life, your child and they may not like what you say or do, but they should respect it. Honestly I'd be worried that if they are being disrespectful now, what will they be like in the future?

Goodluck, hope you can work it all out

Nic

My biggest argument of 2007 was with my best friend. Who I just told nicely 10 hours after having Mia to please come and visit on the following day, not that day. She was hurt and devestated as I said this. I was even more devestated when she didnt even see us at all, and was moving for good to Victoria...

People don't understand the momentus moments of triumph and tears after you have bubs. I was just happy to rest and feed my baby whenever we needed.

The good news is with Gold Coast visiting hours are 4pm - 8pm only for everyone except dads n siblings who are 10 - 12 then 2 - 8. Whats the rush anyhow bubs is gonna be here for a LONG time!

That really gets my goat when people rush to hospitals....its just like ambulance chasers lol!

Wow, I'm so relieved to read these posts - I didn't want anyone waiting in the waiting room while I was in labour either, and after the birth, I really didn't like having visitors in hospital - but I thought I was the only one, and that there was something wrong with me!

If I have another baby, I will probably have a "no visitors in hospital" rule, because I found visitors SO stressful with this one. I was tired, and coming to terms with having a difficult birth experience, and emotional, and in pain, and incontinent, and it just was not nice having people in my room other than my partner.

In hindsight, some rules that would have helped were: one visitor per day and no big groups, only stay 30mins, feel comfortable saying "I don't want to talk about that" if they asked questions I didn't want to answer about the birth, and stating up front when I didn't want pictures taken (it was awful to think of my parents emailing photos of me to all the rellies, when I felt to unattractive with baggy shirt, big tummy, unstyled hair etc). I would err on the side of overdoing the strict rules rather than underdoing, and preparing friends, family and partner as much as possible beforehand that you might want these rules, because you can feel so vulnerable and unassertive during the first few days after birth.