Georgia's Story

This is my first post on BB. I’d just like to introduce myself and share my daughter’s story…

In August ’03 I discovered I was pregnant with our first child. The pregnancy started out beautifully. Not a day of morning sickness and no problems to speak of. At the 12 week ultrasound we got low risk results for all the tests done. At the 19 week ultrasound, all the results were perfect and we found out that I was having a little girl. We named her Georgia Kate that same day. At 20 weeks I felt her move and at every appointment with the obstetrician I heard her heartbeat.

Things continued ‘as normal’ until about one month before Georgia was due. At that time her growth slowed dramatically. The obstetrician made an appointment for an ultrasound to check if she was ok.

The night before the u/s Georgia stopped moving. The next morning she still hadn’t moved so I rushed to the obstetrician's rooms and made him check her heartbeat. We heard the heartbeat loud & clear. The Dr told me it sounded fine and told me to wait for the results of that afternoon's u/s before I got too worried. In my heart I knew that something was wrong though.

A few hours later, I went for the ultrasound. It revealed that she wasn’t getting enough blood & oxygen through the umbilical cord and she quite clearly was not ok. We were sent to the hospital that same night for an emergency c-section. She was 35w5d.

Unfortunately, once I got to the hospital, I got a severe, sudden case of preeclampsia. My blood pressure hit 220/150 and so, not only did we have a very sick little baby, we a very sick mum too. I was on the verge of seizures or a stroke or a coma, so they had to pump me full of medication to stop me from fitting before they could deliver Georgia. (I didn’t find out until later that there were concerns they would lose both of us - my poor husband was beside himself. The weird thing was I felt absolutely fine. I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about; I just wanted them to get Georgia out).

Once they got me to surgery, they delivered Georgia. Her heart stopped beating just before she was delivered. She was resuscitated but did not gain consciousness and had to be placed on a ventilator to make her breathe. The next morning the doctors told us that she had no brain activity due to the loss of oxygen and would never gain consciousness. They told us we would have to decide when to take her off the ventilator.

We spent the full day just sitting with her and holding her and taking photos. She was beautiful, with long eyelashes and a full head of hair. All the family was able to drive or fly in to meet her and we held a little naming ceremony. That night we let the doctor take her off the ventilator. She took little breaths on her own until the next morning when she quietly passed away.

The doctors did tests for every disease and condition under the sun, but have found no physical or pathological reason for the malfunction in the placenta/umbilical cord that made Georgia so ill. They’ve just put it down to being ‘one of those things’ that happen but can’t be explained. In other words, they know what happened, but don’t know why.

It has been 14 weeks since Georgia died now. I have to admit that while I have come a long way and can have ‘ok’ days, some days it just hits me and I still feel like the grief is going to crush me. The last thing I expected to be doing at 26 years of age was planning a funeral for and burying my first child. Luckily I have a beautiful husband who has been there for me and shared the pain with me every step of the way. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have got this far.

Thank you for letting me share Georgia’s story. I know it has ended up being quite long but it has helped me to tell it. I’ve been meaning to post for a long time, but only felt I was ready today. Thanks for reading.

Hi Becc

I am so sorry for your loss of little Georgia Kate. I had tears as i read your story. It is such a beautiful name.

Im glad that you got to spend time with your baby and that your husband is very supportive, it can make a world of diference to share the pain.

I dont really know what else to say, but i wanted you to know that i am thinking of you.

I am also 26 and have just lost my first baby Katelyn Anne at 18 weeks gestation due to Factor V Leiden deficency. I wont go into my story here it is under Baby Lost - Heart Broken. Katelyn has been gone almost 11 weeks now so i know what you mean about bad days and the grief feeling like it will crush you.

Dont worry about your story being long - i have worried about the same thing myself. The important thing is that you get your feelings out. There are some wonderful women on this site who will be there for you.

Keep coming around to tell us how you are going.

Hi Sarah

Thanks for your message. I have just read Katelyn's story and I'm sorry that you too have had to go through something so horrible. I must say that Katelyn Anne is also a beautiful name.

From what you have said in your posts, I think that we are having a lot of the same feelings at the moment and I can relate to a lot of the things that you have said. For me personally, losing a baby was one of those things that I thought could never happen to me. Now that it has happened, it has opened my eyes to another world - it is sad to discover how many other women there are out there that are in the same position.

Having said that, it is a relief to talk to someone who really knows how I am feeling IYKWIM. In a perfect world, none of us would know this feeling, but it does help to know that I am not the only one.

Again, thank you. I am looking forward to having people to chat to who understand. Hope you are having a good afternoon.

Hi Becc

I think that you are right. What we are both feeling is entirely normal (although it took me some time to think that).

I do know what you mean about feeling the same as each other and that you find comfort in that. That is why we are all here to support each other through our grief and onto the next pregnancy when the time is right.

Chat soon

Sarah

Hi Becc,

Thank you for sharing your story - it was a very brave and courageous thing to post it and I'm glad to hear that it has helped you to do so. I can only begin to imagine the depth of your grief. It's a terrible tragedy that anyone ever has to lose a precious loved one, let alone a child.

As Sarah said to you, the feelings you are having now are totally normal and understandable. I hope that by posting here about your feelings you will feel that you have another outlet for your grief and hurt, particularly since you will be surrounded by very understanding people here. You may have seen me post this elsewhere (and sometimes I feel like a broken record saying this, but I feel it's important), but I really don't believe you ever get over the loss of a loved one....it's just that in time you learn to live with it and it becomes a little easier to get up in the morning. Grief really is so different for everyone; in how long they grieve for, the range of other emotions felt and how they deal with it. The important thing is that you do grieve and it's such a tough thing, so whatever we can do to help, please know that we will. If there is anything that I can do to help, just say the word. I'll do my best in any event.

Also, don't ever worry about the length of your posts. Take whatever time and space you need in order to get your feelings out there - this is really important and we all understand. It also helps us to better understand your situation and your feelings so that we are in a position to help you as much as we can.

Thinking of you........

Hi Becc

So sorry for your loss.

Sending you lots of :hugs:

Hi Becc,

I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathy and thoughts are with you and your DH. Thank you for sharing us your story, it was very courageous of you. I had tears rolling down my face. Lot's of :hugs: to both of you.

Take good care of yourselves

:hbeat:
Kazz & co \:D/
Nicholas 26/10/02

Hi Becc,

I am so sorry for your loss of Georgia. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. :hugs:

Take care.

Hey Becc,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you and your DH will continue to support each other through the difficult times. No matter what, Georgia will always be with you.

:hugs:

Take care and know that we are here for you.

Dear Becc,
I am so sorry to read of the loss of your precious little girl, Georgia Kate(such a beautiful name). I too lost a little boy (although not under circumstances quite the same as yours) on March 26th. I won't go into details as my story is also on here - An angel named Alex. The loss of a child is one of the hardest things to ever go through & I never thought we would have to face it. You have done amazingly well to be able to speak about it, & I agree that getting it out helps. If you ever need to talk there will always be someone here to listen. Hoping that you & your Dh are taking care of yourselves, & sending many :hugs: your way.

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for all your replies. It helps to know that other people can understand where I am coming from. I can see how much you all support each other.

We are currently having dramas with our home computer so I have jumped on a computer at an internet cafe. It doesn't seem to be recognising a lot of the icons etc on BB, so hopefully this post will come across ok!

Sarah – I hope you are doing ok today. I’ve been keeping up with some of your posts in Katelyn’s thread and I know how hard it can be to go back to ‘normal’ life. I can understand how much you are missing her. Not an hour goes by that I don’t miss my Georgia too. Even when I’m not thinking directly about it, I have this constant subconcious feeling that something is missing.

Tootie – I totally agree with you. I don’t think I will ever get over the loss of Georgia but I will eventually find a way to live with it. With each week that goes by things do get a little easier. I can look back to the weeks after Georgia passed away and the emotional state that I was in then and can see that I have come a long way. For the first couple of months after I couldn’t even bring myself to answer the phone when it rang – I’ve now graduated and can answer it when it rings (well most of the time anyway!). I will get there eventually, I’m just waiting for the good days to outnumber the bad days.

I hope that you are feeling healthy and well. It is the most amazing feeling to have that little person inside you moving around (and kicking and punching!) I wish you all the best.

Michelle – Thanks for the hugs. I have read back over some of your posts too and it sounds like you have had a pretty rough time. Hope you are doing ok. Congrats on the new pregnancy, I hope everything is going well. It sounds like you have a beautiful little daughter. She has a great date of birth too.

Kazz – Thanks also for the hugs and the welcome.

Angel & Zola – Thank you both for the welcome. I have to say that you must be very strong women, having both gone through such a loss more than once. I know how I feel after losing my first child, but to see that you (and some of the other girls also) have gone through it more than once is very sad. I certainly respect your strength and will to go on.

Kirsty – I have read Alex’s story and was so sorry to hear of your loss. As I have said to Sarah, I can certainly relate to a lot of the feelings that you are having at the moment. It has become quite normal to be going along fine for a while and then hit an incredible low that just knocks you for six IYKWIM. Hope you are getting some quality time with your DH and son.

Well, another monumental post from me. Once we get our home computer up and running again, I will be able to keep up to date and post more regularly (rather than doing it all in one huge hit!) Bye for now.

Dear Becc,
Hope that you are keeping yourself well & taking the time to treat yourself at this difficult time. I believe you are so strong for talking about what you have been through. I know I found it hard to cope with losing Alex at an earlier stage, & just can't imagine how much harder it must be for you to go through your PG & then to lose your precious little girl. I hope that you are having a good day today (although I know that they can be few & far between sometimes). Take care of yourself.

Becc, thankyou for sharing the story of your beautiful daughter Georgia. It was beautiful, but very sad. It is such a terrible thing that any of us have to post in this thread, but I know I have also found it so valuable to feel the support and care of other women who know what I am feeling and can understand my sadness and fears.

I have lost our little angels much earlier than you so my story is different. It must have been such a beautiful gift to be able to hold your Georgia, but one that would no doubt made the loss so much more devastating. I am glad to hear that things are getting better. I know I also gauge things on the balance of good and bad days. I still do have the occasional bad day, just a little something that I don't even expect triggers the grief again, and I am OK with that, because our losses are significant, huge in fact and they are tragic events, and I know I will always be a little sad about what has happened, which I think that most of in here are too.

I hope that you find posting valuable and that we can provide some support for you on what is no doubt a pretty rocky journey at the moment. Sending you lots of cyberhugs and hoping each day gets easier.

Meg

Hi Girls. Hope everyone is having a good long weekend. I have been doing ok these past few days, probably because I have had my DH at home with me. I haven’t gone back to work yet but DH has, so I tend to get a bit lonely when he goes to work for the day and I find that that is when things tend to get me down. I think being able to come on here and chat now will help when that happens though. I think that finally making the decision to starting posting has brought a sense of relief already.

Kirsty – I think that to lose a baby at any stage of a PG is devastating, but something you said did hit home. The fact that I was pretty much the whole way through my PG when I lost Georgia is one of the things that made it so hard to accept. Once I had got past that ‘magic’ 12 week mark, I pretty much thought that everything would just work out and hadn’t really considered the alternative. What made it even harder was to see her and hold her and see that she was a perfect little baby who was developed enough to have survived had she been delivered before she became so sick. I just sat with her for so long, willing her to open her eyes or to wake up and cry and defy the odds. Something like this certainly teaches you not to take anything for granted.

Meg – Hi! Thanks for your welcome. I can see that you have been through a very rocky journey yourself. It is good to hear that you are able to have good days now. It’s such a relief when you can manage to get through the day without breaking down and ‘losing it’ isn’t it?

You are right, it was an incredible gift to be able to meet Georgia and to hold her in my arms. Although I was absolutely devastated at the time (and still am), I can look back now and see the day I spent with her as the most precious day of my life. It’s something that I will always cherish. Luckily the hospital staff and my family had the clarity of mind to take lots of photos of her. They took little hand and footprints and a lock of her hair. They also gave her a beautiful little handmade blanket and gown/hat/booties that we were able to bring home with us. It breaks my heart that all we have left are memories and these little mementos, but it is nice to have something.

Anyway, that’s enough from me. I hope you girls are doing well. Take care, will chat again soon.

Dear Becc,
We also had photo's & handprints & footprints done after Alex was born. And like you we got his blanket, gown & bonnet. They have been of great comfort to me as it is a way for him to always be remembered as having been a part of our lives. I too believed in the "magic" of the 12wk mark & am sure that never again will I take it for granted that once you get past it all will be well.
I hope you are feeling a bit better & taking care of yourself. Sending you huge :hugs:

Thanks Kirsty O:)

Doing ok today, just spending time with DH doing 'normal' things - went for a big walk along the bay that we live near this morning and went to the movies this afternoon. Nothing too exciting, but just nice spending time together. Hope you and your boys are doing well.

Hi all,

Wondering if I could get some comments/advice on something that has been on my mind a bit...

I have been thinking a lot about ttc again lately. To be honest, I think about it all the time. It has been in the back of my mind for a long time, but up until now I have just pushed the thoughts away because I knew that I needed to give myself time to grieve and time to honour Georgia's memory with my undivided attention.

I'm starting to get to the point now where I am close to being ready to start ttc again and something has got me a bit worried. I'm scared that people will see that I am pregnant again and think that Georgia didn't mean that much to us. Now, I know that I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think (so my DH keeps telling me!) and I know that there is no set time that you should grieve before you start ttc again after a loss but I don't want to dishonour her memory IYKWIM?

It's just that I have come to the conclusion that if we waited until we were over Georgia, we would never have more children! I will never get over her and if I got pregnant tomorrow or two years from now, I would still miss her.

I also worry about my family. Losing Georgia was very hard on them too. Especially my mum, MIL, sister and SIL. They try to hide it from us a lot of the time (to protect us) but I think they have all had trouble coming to terms with her death too. I really don't want to give them the news of a new pregnancy if it is something they aren't ready to cope with just yet.

This of course, is assuming that I CAN conceive again soon after we start trying. Who knows, maybe it will take me ages to conceive again and my body will solve the problem for me...

Anyway, thanks for listening. I would love to hear how you girls dealt with/are dealing with this same thing.

Hi Becc,

As per usual you and i are on exactly the same thought line!

Basically all of what you said mirrored how i feel.

I made the decision to TTC again because of a few reasons - i hope you dont mind me sharing them with you. 1) We still wanted to have a baby, i know that this sounds harsh, but it takes a long time to make a full term baby (as you well know) and i wanted to hold a baby soon. 2) My friends are all trying for other babies so i kind of feel like i am in a race that i should already be winning IYKWIM. 3) i had lots of out loud converstations with Katelyn and decided that she would want me to have her brothers and sisters. I am an only child and know that i really wanted a bigger family when i was growing up. I told her that she is the first and we have a special bond that nobody can break. I will always remember her, love and miss her just as much as i do today regardless of what happens in the future. A new baby will get new love that i have not any of the love that is dedicated to her. 4) Having Katelyn's brother or sister is an exciting thought. We cant have her (even though i would give the world too still) so we can have the next best thing. 5) I wanted to have some of the good things that we had with Katelyn that made us so happy (the ultrasounds etc).

I was having the whole what will other people think discussion with my hubby last night. I actually said that i will probably feel the need to say to people that we are pregnant again but please dont forget about Katelyn as she is still very important. i feel rightly or wrongly that i will need to explain myself. I know that it doesnt matter what others think but i feel that i have to honour her further by keeping her memory alive. I have already decided that when i have another baby (see i am being positive for a change LOL) that i will include Katelyn in the birth notice. That way we are forcing everybody to remember her and including her as a full member of my family.

I really struggled with starting to TTC again. But when i started it actually felt healing. Although it is stressful.

I was at the exact same conclusion as you. I will never get over Katelyn just as you will never get over Georgia. For me also i thought because i am such an anxious person normally my anxiety over another pregnancy would grow with time. Where as if i just got into it and let the weeks gradually roll past then i would be getting somewhere in my life again.

I totally get you on the whole CAN we conceive again. I got pregnant straight away with Katelyn so i think that i expect the same thing to happen again this time and if it doesnt i will really stress. However i also know how lucky i was to have it happen that way so how could i expect my body to pull off that miracle again???? The one thing that i stick to is what my GP told me. "My plumbing works" this is now my mantra!!!

Well i hope that some of this has helped you.

Love Sarah

By the way - Are you on msn messenger yet? or did you decide against it?

Hi Becc,
In regards to TTC do whatever you are comfortable doing. Anyone who knows you well will know that you are not trying to replace Georgia. I think it is natural to worry about what others think & maybe we place too much importance on how others will judge us. After all it is you who has been through this experience & you who has to figure out how to move on & live every day. We had trouble with some people who we thought were friends saying some really hurtful stuff when we started to talk about TTC again & in the end we have realised that maybe they weren't the friends we thought they were. Family & friends have been great. I think that there is no way anyone can know just how difficult it is to make the decision to TTC after a m/c unless they have been in that situation. So do whatever feels right for you & your DH (of course) & remember that you don't have to explain yourself to anyone but yourself.

Hey Becc,

This is quite a toughie! IKWYM about worrying what other people will think etc and even though it's none of their business at the end of the day as it is ultimately you and your DH's decision, there is still that feeling of needing to explain yourself and to ensure that those around you understand that just because you are TTC again or fall PG again doesn't mean that your loss is any less and that Georgia wasn't important to you.

Sadly it can be all too easy for other people to point the finger and pass judgement when they haven't been in your position and it can be quite emotionally draining when you feel like you are continually explaining yourself. But if this makes it easier for you, then of course that's exactly what you should do. I'd love to tell you to not worry about what other people think, but that's waaay easier said than done isn't it and I've certainly been guilty of it myself!

You are right when you say you will never 'get over' Georgia - I quite simply think it's impossible to get over the loss of a loved one. It will be a very hard journey for you Becc, but there are always going to be us girls here on BB who will support you no matter what!!

Thanks girls O:)

Like you have all said, what we do really is no one else's business and in my head I know that. Like my DH says, people are going to think whatever they want no matter what you say anyway. And like you said Kirsty, unless someone has been in this position themself they will probably never understand what we are going through and I daresay that there is nothing we could say to make them. I have to admit that I do tend to worry about other people's opinions too much. I also tend to overanalyse everything. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off!!

I think ultimately all our friends and family will be quite understanding and will support us. If I find that any of them aren't, I will just steer clear of them wherever possible.

We know that Georgia will always be in our hearts and she will always hold her rightful place in our family as our first child. All her brothers or sisters will know that they have a big sister. She has probably even given another little baby the gift of life because losing Georgia has made me want more children than we had originally planned. (We will have to see what DH says about that though!)

Thanks for your thoughts girls. I guess I knew what you were going to say anyway because it is the same thing I would say to someone else, but it just helps to hear it all the same, so I know I'm not crazy IYKWIM? (Then again, maybe I am LOL!)

Hi Becc
You are so not crazy, sometimes we just need to hear somebody else say what we are thinking to have it make sense. Our son James (22mths) has just learnt to say "Alex" & like you said he will always know that he had a little brother (& so will any other children if we are lucky enough to have more) as I think it is important. We have a candle we burn for Alex when we are home & when James points to it we tell him it is Alex's candle & that is when he says Alex. I have to say that that can be heard to hear sometimes as then I imagine what could have been. You know the two of them running around like mad things in years to come yelling each others names, but we will get there. Hope you are having some better days & taking care of yourself & DH is too!

Thanks Kirsty :)

It's nice to know it's not just me stressing over these sorts of things!

I think the candle that you burn for Alex is a beautiful idea. It's something that will always keep him in your thoughts. Not that I expect that he strays too far from your thoughts ATM. It is so nice how James has a little bit of understanding of his brother too. I can only imagine how hard it would be for him to be able to say Alex's name though. It must make your heart flip when you hear it.

DH and I are doing ok. Just doing our best to look after each other. I hope you and your DH are doing well too. And James of course. I must say that you have been sounding quite positive in some of your recent posts. It's great to hear!

As many of you girls know, I have been doing up a web page in memory of our daughter Georgia. With everything that has been happening lately, I haven't had a chance to post the details like I said I would, but I have now added the link to her page.

I will probably still do a bit more work on it and tweak it a little bit, but I think it is ready for viewing.

If anyone wants to have a peek, the link is Georgia's name in my signature...

Dear Bec,

Congratulations you have done such a wonderful job! I am very impressed.

Georgia was very beautiful and everything that you wrote brought tears to my eyes. Georgia was blessed to have you as her mother.

Love Sarah

Becc, you have done a lovely job with Georgia's site, well done.

Becc,

You have done a wonderful job with Georgia's website. She was such a beautiful little girl and will always be in my thoughts.
I read your story to Paul and we were both crying.

Becc just had a look at Georgia's website. You have done a fantastic job. It's lovely. :)

Becc, I have just visited Georgia's website. You have done a really amazing job: it really touched me, and I could feel your love shining from the pages. Well done...she will be a very proud little baby girl looking down on her Mummy.

xx

Dear Becc,
I just wanted to say what a beautiful job you have done on Georgia's website... I was very touched by your story, and am still in tears now...

Take care,

Oh, Becc
That is such a wonderful, special thing you have done to honour and remember Georgia.
I've been crying for nearly an hour!
I don't know what else to say, I'm overwhelmed by the loss of such a beautiful, perfect baby. She will live in your heart for ever and now she has touched me too.
Lots of love to you.

Becc

Georgia's website is a fitting tribute to such a precious little girl. You have truly done a great job.

Becc Georga's site is fantastic and you have done such a good job
I was so touched at being able to see your perfect baby, and like the other girls I was a blubbering mess by the end.

Again, well done.

Oh Becc, what a beautiful site in honour of your beautiful little girl.

Take care.

Angel.

Becc,
I have just had a look at Georgia's site and it was great, so touching. The poems on there are amazing too. Bought tears out that I didn't know I had left!
I hope you are having a good day today.

As I wipe my tears my heart feels so heavy for you and I am so truely sorry that you are not able to be physically with your beautiful little girl today although I am sure she is with you in spirit. :angel:
I so wish that you are blessed with good luck and happiness for the rest of your life...you have been through enough! :hugs:
I had a peek at Georgia's website too, what a precious angel. It's beautiful. xx

P.S I have posted a poem in this forum, it maybe a nice addition for Georgia's site.

Hi All,

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for having a look at Georgia's site and for all your lovely replies. I am truly touched by your response.

My beautiful daughter is so important to me and I love sharing about her little life and keeping her memory alive. Thanks for helping me.

I am now thinking of a special way to commemorate our new little angel...

BTW, Ms Lee, I have read the poem that you posted in the forum and have to agree with the other girls - it is beautiful, thank you.

Oh Becc, Georgia's site is wonderful. She is such a treasure. You have done a wonderful job in creating such a loving memorial for her; you should be really proud of yourself.

Thanks Tootie :)