Not sure what to tell her

First some background....

The other night I found what i thought was a baby magpie on our drive way. I saw it there when i left home to do some shopping and thought nothing much except the fact i thought it was a bit late to see one. When i came home about half an hour later it was still standing in the same spot so i knew something was wrong with it. So i phoned the emergency animal rescue shelter and the asked to bring it in. So DH caught it and put it in a box and then we left to take it to the shelter. When we got there and the nurse took it out of the box the poor thing looked really bad. We didnt really see what was wrong at home because it wa so dark and all. But anyway, it wasn't a baby like we had thought (because it wouldnt fly) but the poor thing had what the nrse thought were tumors all over its face and its feathers were all rotten loooking. She said she didnt know if it'd make it or not. But i've left my number and address etc so i may get a call about it.

Anyway to the point. Lily keeps asking 'where the bird is' 'is the bird ok' 'when is the bird coming home' 'is bird sick and at doc (doctors) etc etc you get the picture.

I have no idea what to say to her. i just keep saying yes the bird is sick and at the doctor and then she'll leave it for a couple of hours and then ask again. She has been asking since we took it which was 2 days ago.

I don't want to tell her it will probably die etc but i dont know what else to say so that she'll forget about it? she seems really concerned and maybe even a bit traumatised about it.

Awwww what a gorgeous tenderhearted girl you have hun. I agree with Jodie and I think telling her that its with the other birds is really nice - plus even if it does die, it will be flying around up there anyway won't it ;) Good luck - must be a tough one for you.

sorry 2 be controversial but i think telling her in a gentle way is a better alternative. my mother is a vet nurse and she never hid the fact that, in the wild animals don't always live long lives. it has not hurt any of her kids knowing this and i feel is beneficial to all involved, you don't have to lie and your daughter is taught about this by you rather than others that may not know how to talk about it with her in a calm and considerate fashion.

Nah, fib your butt off!

You can tell her the bird had some medicine and a big rest and the vet let her fly off to join her mates in the sky and what a wonderful thing you did rescueing it.

There's plenty of time to learn these lessons. JMHO

Yeh, I agree with JODIE, ... that's a fitting story of hers.

Sounds like it would be believable to a child that age !!

Good-Luck

Aww Antheia, that's such a toughie! What a sweet girl it sounds like you have!

I'd also err on the side of truth...but oh yeah it'd be easier to just say 'yep had a cuppa tea with the magpie yesterday, he's fine, dyed his feathers pink, and he says to say hi'. I'd much rather do that!

Like I said though...I wonder if you teach children gently about bad stuff from a young age, it won't come as so much of a shock later in life. Like, if a loved one gets sick (heaven forbid!!), you can relate it back to the magpie - 'remember that magpie that got all sick, and the dr's couldn't fix it?' That kind of thing.

I guess it's hard to tell her one way or another, if you're unsure what happened to it. Are you pretty sure it's dead? Maybe even if you feel dumb about it, call the shelter and see what happened? I know I'd be so relieved to be able to say it was fine...the optimist in me would be holding out hope. :p

:hug: Hugs anyway, it's a toughie, but I reckon there are some great lessons to be learned if you do have to break bad news to her - she can learn how nature works, how to deal with grief (you might draw a picture or just chat about it), and most importantly - she can learn that mum is always there to love and help her when bad stuff happens.
All the best, whatever you decide.

Hmmm.

RIGHT NOW, not saying my stance won't change, I wouldn't make up a lie. I'd say the bird was very poorly and may not get better. But death comes to everyone and it is better to die than to live in pain, as the bird would be doing. Then again, we see funeral processions some days so I already talk to DS about death - not sure if anything goes in, but as a "big thing" in life it's best to start as early as possible.

I knew about death from before I can remember remembering IYKWIM and it has never scared me. I may just be weird (don't need agreement posts thanks girls!) but it's what I intend to do with DS. DH never had to face death until he was a teenager and still can't cope with it.

And if you lie to someone, does it mean that they can now lie to you to spare your feelings? So if your daughter decides that knowing they went to the pub last night, didn't stay round Shelia's house as she said, but said that to spare your feelings, is that OK? I dunno, I just don't like lying even to spare heartache because what will happen when she sees a dead magpie? Maybe that's the one you "saved"? And the magpie is dead anyway.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. i think i will tell her the bird was set free and is ok because she loves birds and i would hate to think how she'd feel if i told her one was dead. She is very sensitive when it comes to animals or people when they are sick or hurt. So yeah i don't think i should traumatise her anymore than she already is (which is quite a bit).

So thankyou again.

When i was 4 our bunny died. My parents told me it had gone to live in the wild. When i was 5 my grandad died, and they couldn't tell me anything similar and i was hysterical for 3 days (i am told, i don't remember) not over my grandad but over the bunny who i was convinced up until then was living free. When i was 7 my brother's dog which was chewing their house up (he is 19 years older than me) went to live with my SIL's parents where they had a big garden to keep it entertained and i wouldn't believe it and just insisted it was dead and i can remember quite clearly feeling incredibly mistrustful and afraid and screaming "But you're a LIAR!" at my mum when she was trying to calm me down.

At 3 your DD probably won't remember all this when she is next faced with death, but i thought i'd mention it JIC.

Bx

i would go with the story about the bird flying away!

i dont think i could look at a little face and say it had died!

Maybe tell her that sometimes birds at the doctors get better and fly home ... and sometimes they don't and fly to god/heaven/the stars/the ether/are reborn etc. You actually don't know if the magpie is dead or not, so tell her you don't know, but these are the possible alternatives? And then you can both say a prayer/send white thoughts/place a wish on a star/wish good luck to the magpie to make the choice that keeps him/her happy?

what a sweetie!
but honestly, i really think you should tell her very gently.... i wouldnt set her up with false thoughts about the world, only to have her innocent illusion shattered a little later in life.
Maybe something like "the poor little thing was too sick to stay in this world, so it flew away as an angel bird". Reitterate that the poor thing shouldnt have stayed alive to suffer, now its happy and free.....

Honestly i think the only way to tell her the truth is to say it's dead (yes it died unfortunatly). If i said it flew to heaven or became an angel bird etc etc she would still think it was alive. Because she knows what death is already unfortunatly (my mum died when she was 18mths). But i dont really want to say it so bluntly. But i don't feel right in lieing either. She hasn't asked again yet but im sure she will. It's just so hard.

i think thats a good idea teagan ... i dont think i could lie either ... i am so bad at it .

I truly do think you should tell her the truth. My DD is 4, and also very sensitive, and I am actually amazed at how she has handled the subject of death. Part of her cannot comprehend it, and so she asks a lot of questions about what death means. And part of her simply accepts it because I am her mother, and she knows I tell her the truth, and she believes what I say. It doesn't seem to have traumatized her, really, although I can tell she thinks about it. Mainly, she just seems to accept it as a part of life.
In your case, I wonder if telling her what happened to the bird might give her a little closure, in a way. She doesn't have to worry about it hurting anymore. :dunno:
You know your daughter best though, so you can make the best decision for her.

I agree that only you know what is best. Just a suggestion and not having a 3 year old not sure if this is appropriate but could you get a little gentle book on dying that you could read to her and go through it that way with her? I know we have some Margaret Wild books at school like Jenny Angel, but that may be a bit old...there might be others that gently but sensibly address the issue though. Just a thought. Good luck hun :hug:

I agree with Nelle's post. I think it's an opportunity to gently teach her that not everything turns out ok. I think we underestimate 3 year olds sometimes!

I personally wouldn't lie about it. Just like I wouldn't try and replace a pet goldfish that had died without them knowing.

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And part of her simply accepts it because I am her mother, and she knows I tell her the truth, and she believes what I say.

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I think that's the most important thing. I wouldn't risk losing that.

Same thing happened with us and we told the truth, and Paris isn't damaged ;) We explained that sometimes animals die, and its their time and thats ok. She was about 3-4 and she's fine :) You don't need to be horrible about it but with a bit of sensitivity it can be fine. There are some great books on the topic too. When my BIL died we had to face mortality head on and she was about 3 and she coped really well.

When my DD was 3, the FDC lady's daughter's pet budgie died. So DD learnt about the budgie being dead because the family was dealing with it. I'm kind of glad now - i can see how tricky it is.

Personally, I think death is only traumatic because we leave it so late to introduce it to our children and make a big deal of it - I have NEVER been traumatised by death (and many of my loved ones have died). You don't have to be blunt and say "bird's dead, whaddaya want for lunch?" but it's a great idea to talk about it together NOW before the negative associations kick in.

I dunno, maybe I'm weird that I can see positives in death, especially when living means pain and suffering. But I can't see that it's all bad.

A few yrs back my sister rescued,from a cats jaws,a green tree frog.WIRES would'nt take him and she could'nt find anyone in our area to take him..so she decided to look after him. he had many a few vet visits that she paid for.

My sister has a god daughter who is now 5 and she loved "kermie" as we called him.

Unfortunately for kermie his bladder kept coming outside of his body..After a yr he was put to sleep.

My sister was so worried as to what to tell goddaughter who was about 3 at the time.They told her that Kermie had hopped away to go and live with his mummy again.She accepted this but would continue to ask over time...

I would suggest telling DD that he was better and flew away...It is a bit hard for little tikes to understand death at such an age...

Another one in the tell the truth camp here.

For me, birth and death are a fundamental part of life. I am completely open with my three year old about pregnancy and birth - she knows all about how mummy helps ladies have their babies, she has watched beautiful, calm natural births on tv with me and I explain it all to her and she views it as completely normal.

I treat the topic of death in the same way - I feel it's important she understands it's part of the natural order of things that people and animals are born, and they die.
Recently my mother lost her dog unexpectedly that she has had for 12 years - DD has known and loved him all her life. She asked where Sam was and I explained to her that he got sick and he had died. That he wouldn't be at Ma's when she went there anymore because he had come to the end of his life with us.
She was remarkably accepting of it, she did look for him for the first day we were there but I kept gently explaining this to her.
I totally understand the intention is kind and good to shield little ones from death but I do often think it's because of our own fear of it's finality and the unknown that we tend to want to handle it this way. Being open with her about it forces me to think about it as well, and talk about it.

I think i should add here that while i know DD knows that death means they won't be coming back etc I'm not sure i can have a conversation with her about it all. She is still a bit behind in her speech development so while i can say to her all this advice you girls have given me, she won't be able to ask me questions which i know she'll have. So it's a bit hard for me to explain it all to her and then she just say ok but not really get what i mean and so she'll be confused but not be able to tell me, if that makes sense?

I know this is a personal question but does she remember your mum? Can you explain it to her in a similar fashion. In the end you know your daughter better than any of us, and if you think she's not ready thats totally your call. And you aren't a bad mother if you emelish the truth when you think its in her best interest. I was lucky that Paris did get it, and had she not I may not have done it the way I did. I do believe that all knowledge needs to be relative to age, and maturity (not that I'm saying she's immature but you know how some kids can mature quicker iykwim) and thats only something you can know. Try not to stress about it, I assure you its bothering you way more than its bothering her :) :hug:

Cai, that's a hard one to answer. I don't think she does remember, mainly because we never speak about my mum. My choice, because it is just too hard for me to even go there, IYKWIM? I really don't know because since the day she died, Lily has never mentioned her. Maybe she just 'knew', i don't know...

I understand that :hug: And I also think thats why this whole thing may be hard for you. Maybe its best for both of you (right now) to just tell her that the birdy flew away. There will be other times to discuss death, and I'm sure you won't shy away from the topic when its right for you. Mortality is a hard thing to face at the best of time but especially when its close to home its even harder, I know that one believe me hon *mwa*

I think you are right. I didn't even click that it could be due to me not wanting to discuss death because of my mum. It makes sense now. Thanks. I am hoping though she doesn't ask again as she hasnt again yet.

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sorry 2 be controversial but i think telling her in a gentle way is a better alternative. my mother is a vet nurse and she never hid the fact that, in the wild animals don't always live long lives. it has not hurt any of her kids knowing this and i feel is beneficial to all involved, you don't have to lie and your daughter is taught about this by you rather than others that may not know how to talk about it with her in a calm and considerate fashion.

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I think either approach would work. If you wanted to explain to her that the bird didn't make it (if thats the outcome) you could tell her it went to heaven and paint a picture of how lovely birdie heaven is and all the wonderful thing birdie is doing up there.