Mothers Group Etiquette Re Dribbling On Toys

I should have just asked the women in my Mothers Group but at the time it didn't seem appropriate to shush everyone, stick my hand up and say "oooh, excuse me I've got a question re dribbling on toys."

So here's the thing. Our kids are round about 5-6 months old. Yesterday, I forgot to take any toys for my DD to play with. Normally she is quite happy looking at all the mums and laughing as they wave their hands around while they talk. But yesterday she stole all the other children's toys and promptly put them in her mouth.

Now, TBH, I do go for the "germs are good to build their immunity" so it wouldn't really phase me if another baby was mouthing one of my DD's toys but I'm conscious that not everyone might feel the same way.

But what's the alternative? I could literally have spent the entire meeting watching her like a hawk, taking toys out of her mouth and not joining in any conversation. I did do a bit of that anyway along with popping her on my knee and I just thought, "gee, this is a bit bloody hard. Am I being overly paranoid about what other people might think?"

Obviously it would be a bit different if she was a toddler and had to learn to share toys but it's a bit too early for that.

What's everyone's views?

Take along toys that can be chewed, and mention that the bubs are getting older and what about when they start walking around? Otherwise, try a discussion on drool - some people have toys used for comfort and may be grumpy at those being sucked, and others may wash their toys weekly!

sorry, really rambling.

Ive had this problem too- given that all the other babies at MG still not mobile, but Izzy is crawling and is a force to be reakoned with! No toy or child is safe;) and other bubs are reaching out and grabbing others toys too. We have discussed that we all need to be prepared for them to share toys and drool. We also trust that if our bub hasn't been well, we won't go to MG that week, and we all take toys that can be easily washed when we get home too. One mum is a bit precious about it all, but really, there isn't much we can do about it! I would maybe have a general chat about it next time you meet! Good luck!

hmm im trying to think back.. i dont remember anyone being overly protective of their bub's toys. it is hard tho, to stop them chewing/sucking on each others toys. even now when we have a mums group, some of the kids are real suckers... Krystal doesnt put things in her mouth, so im not too worried.

they also often help themselves to each others drinks! we try to stop them, but short of taking the drinks away, we cant really help it!

sorry im not much help! but im not too worried about Krystals toys being dribbled on... but now that i have actually thought about it...

We were sort of half and half. Some didn't mind but others (mostly the mums of prems) weren't happy with sharing.

We never worried, figured what went around came around, and as long as none of the kids were sick or snotty...
We even gave up worrying about the drink swapping, they all had water anyway and we noticed they drank more this way.
You could always just keep hold of the toy your dd has nabbed, tell the mum "sorry about this, I'll clean it" and give it a cursory wipe with a nappy wipe when your mg meet is finished. You'll probably be told not to worry anyway, they all do it.
Lara

I'm not one for worrying about the toy sharing thing, I find it practically impossible to stop it when all the babies are playing and rolling around together! Like Tan says, I think most mums are sensible and if their little one is sick then they don't bring them along. I know their are a lot of other nasties that can be transferred but I just think it is too hard to completely stop all toy sharing etc (Or maybe I'm just a lazy mumma lol). But I do always ask the other mums 'is that ok?' when it happens, just to make sure (But I find that you can usually tell which mums wouldn't like it before it happens IYKWIM?)

I’m lucky, in the mothers group I’m in we all ended up thinking exactly the same about drool, it’s fine to share, the more the merrier. I can see how it would be difficult to be in a group where some mothers don’t want to share the drool around. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice? As a starting point, can you broach the subject in a light-hearted, jokey way and gauge the response/s so you can get a feel for the range of opinions you might be dealing with?

Oh I'm probably the precious one then :)

I am not comfortable when other mothers sit back and allow their children to take my child's toys and promptly put them in their mouths. I do teach my children to share but even when DD#2 grabs at her big sisters toys, I am teaching her not to put them in her mouth - I usually replace her big sisters toy with one of her own as she is teething so keeping things out of her mouth is really a no win situation. ;)

I must admit there is that uncomfortability with feeling like I am the odd one out as I am not the all for one type iykwim. I guess my issue is the mums who are the all for one thinkers so don't with hold their children when they are obviously sick and sniffly, and assume all other mothers are the same. Or the other scenario is being told after a play date etc that their child has been sick etc. This happened when I was pg, I was holding my friends baby who was drooling on me and then later in the night my friend shared that they had all recently had gastro. :( 2 days later I was sick as anything and freaking out because I was only just past the 3 month mark in my pg ....... thankfully I had gotten my 3yr old babysat that night so she wasn't exposed (she loves babys) then a week later my husband was sick.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit and I know that not everyone does things like that (honestly, my friend just didn't even think but not in a sinister manner iykwim, but I'm the opposite - I always tell people if my girls have been sick) so I think it is a great thing to bring the subject up and don't worry about what other people think. Its great to know where you and everyone else stands on the issue because by bringing it up, other mums might breathe an inner sigh of relief as they were too uncomfy to bring the subject up themselves. Then the added bonus, you'll most probably have a much more relaxed time :)

Anyways, that's just my thoughts on it all :) hth

i say if you bring them to mothers group then you need to expect that the will be used by other children!!

simple dont take them if you dont wanna have other children mouth them!

Or just a thought I had then, maybe take two sets of toys so bubby can be considered the sharing type iykwim. I could have toys just for her mouth and then throw in some "free for all" toys that I can just clean up later. I think this is a tricky subject as I am not sure where a happy compromise is apart from the above thought. I think its unfair for both ends of the spectrum to expect the other end to meet them the whole way if that makes sense? Anyways, just my thoughts again :)

I'm usually the one who has toys everywhere and other babies grab DS's toys.

The only time I ever say anything is when DS is ill and I point out to the mother that DS is ill, her child has DS's toy and it is a bit germ-ridden (usually at coffee mornings, not playgroups). I don't let DS put "group" toys, like the ones the playgroups provide, in his mouth: if he's biting then it's his toys ONLY. If DS is after his friend's toy then, so long as he's healthy, I'll just ask the mum if it's OK that he plays with it.

I think sharing “drool” and sharing “sick baby drool” are two completely different things. Again, I am lucky because everyone in my mothers group is in complete agreement, if you child is sick you stay away. It is way too difficult to stop the kiddies sharing toys, particularly if they’re used to it and illness can be passed through droplets in the air anyway, so we all agree it’s best just not to come.

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I guess my issue is the mums who are the all for one thinkers so don't with hold their children when they are obviously sick and sniffly, and assume all other mothers are the same.

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Gosh I never took Alexzander to mum's grup when he was sick (or anywhere for that matter) but allowed his toys to be shared around at mum's group. I wouldn't want his sick germs shared around but didn't have a problem with having a bit of drool shared. That said, if another mum didn't want him to play with their child's toy I would tell him no & take it off him.

Don't attack me but I find it odd. I wouldn't take my kids to play if they were sick, and if another child was sick I'd probably keep my child away (and if I knew the parent well enough ask them to either tell me when their kid is sick so I can stay at home or ask them to... that baffles me to even need to ask as its just good manners) but otherwise it wouldn't bother me. Yes I do think kids need to be subject to germs although I can definitely understand prem mums being cautious though. I would just worry about it affecting children learning to share, and also perhaps cause anxiety. Can't be much fun to constantly stress over toys. Did I mention I never did mother's group LOL I think I am glad! Playdates sound a lot less stressful!

Hi Niliac

Just clarifying that my original question wasn't related to sick kids but healthy kids sharing drooly toys. I don't have a problem with that but I'm notoriously relaxed about such things and wondered whether others shared my 'relaxedness' or not?

I think the sick kid thing is a no-brainer - NO WAY would I take my DD if she was sick and I'd be gobsmacked if any of the other mums in my MG would either.

Yeah I agree the sickness thing is a no brainer ;) Well I definitely share your relaxedness :)

ETA: I meant I found it odd that it would be a cause of stress iykwim? But thats not to say I don't see why people have their reservations as I do...

yeah when ds is sick i never take him to MG , its a time where him and i can sunggle and i get to to soothe him.. to me when hes sick its out private time ... ( im rambling but ds is a jumping bean and i never get snuggly cuddles )


ANYWAY i share the relaxed additude too ... we all know eachother well enough and we never had a problem with toys and now that all our babies are toddlers :( they share drinks ... to us its no biggie...

I think it would be impossible to go to a MG with mobile bubs and not have toy sharing! We are also very relaxed on this issue. If we weren't then it wouldn't be much fun, we would constantly be taking things off our bubs and telling them 'no'!

Yeah I agree with the sick thing, 'no brainer'.

We haven't had this discussion in our MG either, but I suspect that we're a pretty relaxed group about toys in general. I guess I just don't want to be the one who has a kid that wrecks another kids toys, or does a big spew on them that can't be washed out...so for me it depends on what the toys are made of & how easy to wash they are. I'm really happy to share plastic washable toys, but soft fabric toys I'd rather were used for one child only - so if the soft toy belongs to another kid I'll make sure that Liam doesn't get it in his mouth, and if it's Liam's soft toys I tend not to have them available for other kids to grab IYKWIM.

Gosh, I feel bad, I've never even thought about this!

I definitely have a more relaxed approach to this sort of thing ;) And I'm a prem mum! I think most of the mum's in our group are probably the same, but maybe not all of them? Maybe I should check?

And I agree, the sickness thing is a no-brainer. I wouldn't take DS anywhere except the Drs or his grandmother's if he was sick. And I would let people who came into contact with him know that he has been/might be unwell. I really am anal about that sort of thing, I think it's only fair.

Can I ask a question re: this topic? :redface: I have been thinking about this thread today :p I kinda feel like the odd one out but am ok with that (just ask my friends, lol!) Anyways, I agree that the sick thing is, should be, a no brainer (have had experiences however where it wasn't iykwim)....so in the in between times, where all appear healthy.........my concern when I have my baby amongst other little ones who are also in the zone of eating everything in sight :p is what if?? Isn't it better to be safe than sorry therefore avoid sharing drool just in case??

Another scenario that I had once, whilst it wasn't sharing drool, it was one of those things where I knew the little girl had been exposed to chicken pox and was still in the potential incubating stage. So as it was a pool party and DD#1 hadn't yet had her chicken pox immunisation, I declined the offer and the mother thought my decision was "bizarre" (her words) and she was awkward around me after that even though I tried so hard to get things 'normal'. Again, not the drool scenario as such but an example of being safe over sorry. Was this really a 'bizarre' decision?

I do apologise if this appears like ramble (not the best communicator ;)) but am curious that my thoughts are opposite to the majority in the thread and am ok with all constructive thoughts! ;)

charlyfrog ... hmmm interesting .. how old was dd at the party ??
if it were me i would have those "she might spread the pox"thoughts and i would stew over it ... but i dont really know what i would do ...but considering the complications that cpox can give a child or an adult i wouldnt risk it either

on one had i would "let" my chile be exposed, as getting cpox young is better than when your older ( i had them at 16 , was very very sick...)

but on the other had the thought of exposing a child to any disease makes me feel a bit funny ..

but i do vaccinate my child, so if there was a kid who was in that potential incubating stage i would stay away .

but NO i dont think you decision was bizzare , her reaction was , but then she may not know how serious it can be to other people , young or old , esp preg women or weak immune systems ...but i guess every family is different and we all think we know whats best for our child .... but do we really? ..:dunno:

kwim????

Anyone who has had chickenpox (or the chickenpox vaccine) as a child is at risk for developing shingles later in life, and up to 20% do,so even if we dont expose them to the virus, were still at risk later in life ....

No I don't think your decision was bizarre. I would have done the same.

I think I may have made you feel bad and i didn't mean to so let me re explain. I am a "little" bit of a germaphobe but only when I know there are children sick, I won't go near anyone if they've had gastro (like I'm talking at least 5 days) in case incubation has already started with other family members. If its cold season and I know the flu is going round I'm more careful and if someone said they might have CP I'd definitely stay away. But if I'm at a playdate, (and I know mothers group is more than that) I'd think that it would be more "safe" that people should respect my boundaries with bugs, and be thoughtful when other kids are sick. I wouldn't want my child to be playing in an environment where toys were continually off limits or another child couldn't share his toys purely because I'd be worried about the impact on social interaction and sharing, because its easy for children (even small children) to pick up anxieties. So I probably (and this is a bit horrible) wouldn't go to a mothers group if I knew those parents didn't respect my germ policy LOL! I mean even at school when we have P&F meetings we let each other know that our kids are sniffly and its up to them if they still think its ok to attend. But like Lea said, if there was one or two children with weak immunities etc then of course I would be more vigilant. I just know I wouldn't want to go to a mothers group if every second I was panicking over what toys my child was playing with because the other children had a tendency to be sick or because I worried about upsetting other parents. Believe me I do understand where you are coming from and whilst I said I thought it was odd that those requests be made, but I wouldn't say *you* are odd ;) And I get just as annoyed when kids destroy toys, or parents have toys out that aren't appropriate for play (just for looking) because explaining that to a small child is difficult (not impossible just difficult) and of course when something becomes off limits its instantly wanted even more LOL! I hope I made sense :) :hug: Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable... I too can be cr@p at explaining myself sometimes LOL!

:hug: Niliac! You're lovely! No, you didn't make me feel bad at all love! But thank you for your loveliness :) Just a topic that I am finding rather interesting as I have never had it brought up before and I was unaware of how differing my thoughts on this seems to the majority. But that doesn't worry me, I am really interested in every one's point of view on this and yay that I have an opportunity to have a good in depth natter about it! :p Thanks again lovey! :hug:

Charly, you are defintitely not the odd one out. But on saying that I have no problems with my children sharing drool and even on occasion as I know they have been known to do water bottles. Provided there is no sickness going around, truthfully it can sometimes be IMPOSSIBLE to keep an eye on them every single second at places like mothers group - when you go to the toilet, grab a coffee, etc... IMO there is nothing wrong with a bit of germ sharing, I truely believe that it helps to build your immunity up and that is why children are so sick nowadays - they are not exposed to enough things.

Upon saying all of that I totally agree with you about not going to the pool party in case of chicken pox- nobody wants a child with chicken pox so why risk it?

My mothers group was very relaxed, the issue never even came up even with the premmie mums.

This might sound ridiculous but its kind of a tongue in cheek thought....kind of ;)....yet one to ponder ...........how is it different to the issue of double dipping or sharing cups etc at a party?? I feel as if there is the unspoken rule of not double dipping a celery stick into a dip container and at a party if I can't remember where I last put my cup, I automatically go for a clean one rather than a pre-used one sitting close to the drinks I want anyway...

....so why do we oppose double dipping and sharing cups but are ok with babies sharing drool??

......ok lovlies, so is this just me????? :D

This might sound really stupid, but I think the difference is that while we as adults DO care about sharing drool, babies DON'T! I know we're in charge of making those decisions for them, but TBH, I don't want to spend every playtime monitoring what goes in my DS's mouth, and taking it off him if it's not his. Equally, I'm not about to say that we're not sharing his toys with other babies.

Having said that, I'm in the same boat as Cai..........I'm happy that the people we spend time with are not knowingly taking their babies out and about when unwell. If I thought they were doing that, I probably wouldn't go. I know that you can't always know when a kid is infectious, but that's just life, isn't it. We have to take 'risks' or we'd have pretty boring lives IMO. But knowingly sharing germs is another thing ;)

A child incubating Chicken Pox wasn't kept away from other babies? That is just wrong and irresponsible (I wouldn't mind if DS was older with him getting this, but not as a baby). I would never take a baby who could be seriously ill or possibly incubating something nasty to any group, let alone a pool party. I don't mind taking DS somewhere with a runny nose, but a "proper" illness is something else. (Heck, I even stayed away from BB because of illness... well, that and not being able to see.)

I don't mind sharing dip and cups with close family. I don't mind DS sharing drool because, if it's his friends, they stick their hands in each other's mouths and noses anyway. I know, it's so pleasant. And when babies kiss each other, that's mega drooly. So a little bit of drool on a toy isn't going to be too bad in the grand scheme of things.