"Daddy Hurts Me"

Ok This is what my eldest has started to tell random people.

It is NOT true at all, He dad does smack her on the odd occasion when he feels it is warrented and so have I.

But yes she has been telling people her daddy hurts her. I am so scared its going to be taken the wrong way.

She has a fantastic memory as well and still tells me about the time her daddy accidently shut her foot in the door and scratched her (which happened in october)

So far i know she has told 2 seperate people when im not there, she told my best friend when she was dropping her sons off at daycare and she told the guy who was painting her face last night at the zoo. and from what my sis said he didnt look very impressed with what he heard.

How do i deal with this???


ETA: oh and sometimes it will b phrased as "Daddy smacks me" so i know she is referring to being smacked. cause she will say it to me at home if her daddy has smacked her.


I just want to say that i know there is absolutly nothing abusive about my DH.

Hmmm I really hope people arent thinking the worst of my DH.

My daughter likes to get alot of attention so maybe she has figured by saying this just like kids say swear words she is going to get a reaction.

She will come home from day care and at least mention once that one of the children there smacked her or hurt her.

Wow thats a tough one, hopefully it is just a faze she is going through, maybe she noticed it got her some attention when she said it. I wonder if your DH should find other ways to discipline her as she is probably picking up on the idea that you shouldn't hit people.

I'm sorry but I don't have any suggestions just wanted to give you a :hug:

I think you are right, she has figured it is a way to get a reaction so it is interesting to her to see how adults respond. Perhaps try sitting her down and talking to her about the difference between an acident and when something is intentional. I know it might be a bit beyond her reasoning, but it is worth a shot. She may think that her Dad intentionally hurt her foot so she might just need some reassurance that it was only an accident.

HTH

Spring xx

Oh nessa, kids and what they come out with!! and of course i am sure when asked she says "no i did nothing wrong!!" even when she did, and thats if the people she is telling bother to ask!!!!

This is a hard situation in this day and age, if this was said 20-30 years ago, i reckon most people response would be, "probably served you right kid" but these days with wrongful abuse so talked about it would be a "warning sign to look for" even though in this case its obviously not...

I had a similar (kind of not really) situation when i was a kid, i was about 5 or 6 and i had an accident at the rollerskating rink, i had a full on collision with another kid and ended up with two black eyes, well later that week i went to the bank or something with my dad and apperently a lady asked me if my daddy hurt me and i said "yes, he smacks me when i am naughty" or something like that, and the lady freaked coz she meant my horrible black eyes, whuch my father did NOT do, but i was just being honest, yes daddy does smack me when i am naughty!!! LOL Dad had to do a bit of explaining, but after a few minutes it was all sorted out and he was very embarrased and i dont think he took me out in public again until my black eyes went down!!!

So i dont really know what to suggest, does she understand why she gets smacked? like does DH tell her what she did wrong, and that this is the consequence etc, maybe this is time to encourage her to start telling the "whole truth" say its ok to tell people you got a smack, but you must also tell them what you did to desreve it or something along those lines. It may also help her to not be soo naughty if she has to tell people what she did to get the smack!!

Good luck!!!

i'd say it is just a way of her being able to get a reaction from people when she sayd it. You sound confident that she is only talking about the smacking, and i have heard of other kids saying similar awful things to strangers. maybe stop the smacking and see how that goes...

We know smacking isnt what everyone considers to be a ideal punish ment and dont use it all the time, but i find when she is having a tantrum and possibly about to hurt us or her sister when this happens that a smack is warrented.

Sometimes she can even be referring to a accident that occured. the door being opened into her if she stands outside the toilet or silly accidents that happen around the home.

Oh I'm not too sure what to suggest! If it was my son saying those things I'd be VERY unhappy as DP is a very big man and could definitely be misunderstood!

I suppose there's not a lot you can do besides re-assure others if they bring it up, because talking to toddlers never seem to work with me :p

hmm honey maybe she's reacting to your impending new baby? She may feel she's not getting your full attention and is trying to gain others.
Make a passing joke of it to her...ah daddy smacked you..oh thats no good is it...and leave it at that. Dont over react to it babe...dont get upset about it either...she'll feed of it.
And babe, we know (We'll I do anyway) that you guys dont go tot he extreme of what some people may think. your wonderful parents.

See the thing is if you all met my husband you would laugh. He wouldn't say boo to a ghost. Very quiet man. I wear the pants in this house. Lol

thankyou all for your replies.

You hurt her to teach her not to hurt others? I'm not sure that tactic will work sorry. I'd definitely suggest not smacking as it sounds like she is reaching out for outside support and you don't want this to affect your family badly.

With the accidents maybe making sure she is properly apoligised to will help? Not sure obviously how these are dealt with already but maybe she feels they are brushed over and her pain is not acknowledged.

Good luck! When I was little I had a baby doll that would cry when you took it's dummy out. I would take it out in public and slap the doll around the face, tell it to be quiet and put the dummy back in. Certainly behaviour that never happened in my family so my poor Mum would bear the brunt of some terrible glares for nothing!

I'd go down to the bookstore and buy a book which has the story "The Boy who Cried Wolf" and read it to her. Maybe it will help her understand why you don't say things like that.

I think it's an Aesop's Fable or something similar...

i dont think you need to defend your reasons for smacking.

sorry i dont have any real advise to offer you! just a hug! :hugs:

Ok Can i just say, I didnt ask for my parenting techniques to be judged regarding smacking. I know some people dont agree with it and its fine.

Smacking is used as a deterant. and only used if i feel it is the last thing. A smack will normally stop her in what she is doing so yes if that is hurting me or her sister then that i will smack. It by no means is it i want to hurt you smack, it is more of a snap out of it and it distracts her enough to make her stop for the second i need to gain control over the situation.


ETA- Divvy will be getting that book, thankyou

NO ONE smacks their child in the hope that they smack another I personally, as im sure alot of mothers in here will take offence to that. Noone says you should beat the ***** out of your child..but there are instances in which smacking is warranted. Im pretty sure this was not a thread to start a "to smack or not to smack' debate and i think maybe words should be chosen more wisely or with more thoought on how it's going to affect the poster and other mothers.

Yes ladies and gents....a gentle reminder to keep things respectful in here please

Nessa at the age of children do start to become more cluey as to what gets adults' attention. So if your little one is gaining extra attention because of what she's saying, she might continue the behaviour. I don't think ignoring it is necessarily the best approach, because if someone really *was* hurting her, you'd sure want her to be absolutely 100% comfortable sharing that with you in the knowledge that you'd believe her.

So maybe acknowledge what she's saying, then gently move on to another topic. You could also try discussing your chosen method of discipline with her (in an age-appropriate way), to reassure her that you're not trying to hurt her. It may lead to some conversation about consequences etc, which is an important understanding to have in life.

At that age, my DD used to tell her kindy teacher that the only thing Daddy did at home was go to the toilet and "toot";) (ie fluff)

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You could also try discussing your chosen method of discipline with her (in an age-appropriate way),

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i havent even though of doing that, not saying we dont tell her why she is getting told off but after its over we dont usually think about it.

I am planning on having a mummy chat with her tonight. and am going to talk to her daycare worker and see what she thinks. Im sure its been mentioned at her daycare.


I guess it hurts me that she is saying things about her dad in that way cause he is such a beautiful person and i know he would be uspet if he knew, i havent yet told him. will have a chat later on tonight.

i hope it works out for you nessa... good luck!

I dont think you should have to justify your method of discipline, whether it is smacking a child or sitting them in a corner. As long as they are getting disciplined when they are doing something wrong. If the method of none/little discipline is taken they generally turn out to be teenagers and adults that have no respect for their elders/authority. Being my age I have grown up with people in both boats and have seen the difference.

As much as some people say smacking your child,is illegal, it is not. As long as you are not beating your child(my mum is a cop & I made her look it up)

Im sorry if I have offended anyone, this is just my opinion.

I don't really have any advice to offer, I think some of the other ladies have offered some good advice for you. I am sure that she is just trying to get attention (I wont tell you some of the corkers I used to come out with!), it is a bit hard on your poor DH though. I would be terribly upset if my children were saying things like this about my DH, he wouldn't hurt a fly!

I hope your mummy daughter talk goes well and that it makes a difference. And I hope DH doesn't take it too hard, the poor bugger.

Nessa kids say some strange things. And i understand that strangers that she may say this 2 may jump 2 conclusions and it can cause problems.
Im not very experienced in motherhood but 2 b honest with u i was a kid not that long ago and know that i would do anything 4 attention espeacially if mummy was pg and new bubs was getting attention. Im sure u sprend the attention evenly and will continue 2 do so when that beautiful baby arrives, but it does sound like a fantastic idea 2 have a chat with her, she is only young and does not understand the importance of what she's saying but "The boy who cryed wolf" was a great suggestion and was used on me when i was about 7yrs old and worked!
Also id try and see if she can see it as a "hurting daddy's feelings." Sort of thing? And maybe a good time 2 talk 2 her about knowing the difference between disciplin and knowing when 2 speak up if someone was really abusing her. Tough age though i hope all goes well.

Nessa i don't have any advice (DS is only 6 months old so have all this to look forward to!) but wanted to share a little story. My sister was shopping with my niece and accidently ran into her with the trolley - result was lots of tears, cuddles etc - then all was fine and forgotten...until the next 6 times they went shopping my niece would scream at the top of her lungs "Please don't hit me mummy!" - results was lots of gasps of horror and dirty looks from fellow shoppers. Didn't matter that she meant 'please dont hit me with the trolley'. She sounds a lot like your daughter, in that she remembers everything. My niece eventually just stopped doing it. Good luck with everything - you and your DH sound like wonderful parents x

Nessa,

this is a hard one, because what she's done is said what she perceives to be true, that he hurt her. It's not that he hurt her badly, or even that it was particularly painful, just that he did. I don't expect at her age she understands the social taboo of it, just that the first time she said it, she probably got a great reaction, so she would naturally try to keep getting that reaction. I agree with Christine that ignoring it wouldn't help (it's likely that the reactions she is after doesn't come from you anyway) but perhaps a little mummy/daughter chat to let her know that saying what she does, despite it being true in her mind, makes people think that her daddy is a bad daddy. And daddy isn't really a bad daddy, is he?

I don't know :P I guess you'd be in the best position to know how to get through to her. But do realise she's only expressing how she feels, even if it's not necessarily the right words. Good luck, parents just can't win no matter what we do sometimes.

well i had a word to her team leader in her daycare room and asked if she had mentioned anything.

Apparently she had mention that daddy hurt her and when she was asked why she told them daddy smacked her cause she was naughty and pushed Annika. So they are not worried about it in the least.

which i suppose is a good thing. They said unfort kids do say these things are are often not what they come out to be.

Am still going to have the chat with little miss tonight and try and spend more mummy time with her just us. Its hard but will try harder to fit it in.

I remember when I went through a phase like that my mother would look at me blandly and say something like "Well, are you bleeding? Do you have a broken bone? Then get over it." And I did.

When I was 4 and in kindy I used to bruise alot (as kids do) so my teacher sat me down and asked me some questions. I then proceeded to tell her that my parents tied me up and beat me with a stick :cryinglaugh: which is something they had never ever done. My mum was a teacher at the same school and along with my father was bought into a meeting with the principal and a social worker - they were mortally embarressed. :rolleyes: Thank goodness it was established pretty quickly that I was making it up! :cryinglaugh:

SO what I am trying to say is that a lot of kids tell white lies in the hope of possibly getting attention, I am sure your daughter Nessa is not the first to have done so. I think the idea of having a good chat to her about the consequences of not quite telling the truth is a great idea and also about the book. She is just expressing what she feels but she needs to understand that there are perhaps other ways of saying things.

At least her daycare teachers realised pretty quickly what was going on too. Good luck with dealing with it. :)

well there you go nessa, i think she is not only understanding WHY she is being punished, but she is telling the truth when asked. i think its all ok, if anyone does suspect anything more sinister they will very quickly discover nothing suss is going on... i still think a little mummy daughter chat might be good- maybe even to talk about ho maybe she doesnt like being smacked and maybe if she stops doing the naughty things it wont happen anymore IYKWIM.

Good luck nessa!!

Nessa, it's so hard when kids say things like this. Their perception of things is so different from ours. Maybe when she does get a smack, tell her why in no uncertain term. T he only thing I could think of is tell her exatly what she did wrong and that a smack is the consequence, every time she gets a smack. You might already do it...
I think one thing you night need to be aware of though is that at her day care, even though her carer said they don't really take much notice of it, probably since they know your family fairly well, there may be other carers who do, like a casual worker, or a student teacher. I am a childcare worker and the first instinct in me when a kid says anything along the lines of what she is telling people is to document it. It is also a childcare worker's responsibility to report any kind of suspected mistreatment of children in thier care. . If she says it a few times to the same person ,then that would be grounds for them to report. Even if she said it to another parent at her childcare centre. Maybe if she got the attention she might be suseptible to embellishing a little if they react the right way for her. We are also not really allowed to question children if they say anything like this to us. So if they are doing it the 'right' way then a chidcare worker can only make non-leading comments then document and take further notice of the child and any other comments they might make.
This is a tricky situation for you. She is old enought to realise the consequences of actions, so telling her why she got a smack is probably the only way to get her to understand. Maybe even if you tell her that it makes you/daddy feel sad/ hurt when she tells people that he hurts her, because they can think the wrong thing about him. I dont know!!!
Good luck.

am waiting for my youngest to go to bed so we can chat.

This has me really worried that something bad will come out of it. I dont want to have to have a social worker come and visit me. I dont want anyone to take my kids

:hug: Oh hun, noone will take them off you. They have no proof and if it became so serious that they thought it may warrant further investigation, they would probably have you assessed by a social worker or psycologist. They would then see that it is just an almost four year olds little imagination working overtime.

Ok well we had our chat.

I tried to make it as simple as can be. I told her that her daddy loves her very much and it really makes him sad when she says that about him.

I also told her that daddy only smacks when she has done something naughty and if she doesnt do naughty things then she wont get a smack.

I tried explaining to her as well that accidents happen and when that does no one means to hurt her as they said they were sorry.

I have also told her that if she tells these things to people that daddy might get in trouble and she said she didnt want daddy to get into trouble.

Thats really as far as i got with her cause i didnt want to overload her. Will try and keep up the small chats with her to try and get her to understand as its alot for her to take in.

I tend to agree with StarBright and MistyFying
Try and explain why she is being smacked and what she did to "deserve" having a tap on the bottom. I also think it's a good idea to help her to tell the whole story, like for instance she tells the cashier at the shop that daddy hurt her. Ask her to tell the cashier WHAT daddy did. She will then probably say that he hit her bottom. Then ask her WHY did daddy smack her. The she will hopefull (I say hopefully, because if not explained and understanded, it could turn on you :lol: ) say because I pinched my sister. Strange situation avoided and explained. That will only work if you explain to her that she is getting a hiding because she pinch her sister for no reason and that pinching is unexeptable.
That is how I was raised and at some point we became aware that after telling ppl that daddy hurt me, he spanked me because I hit my sister with a wet towel, is embarresing, because I (the one doing the initial hitting) was in the wrong, kwim?? You don't go blab the whole world that you got a speeding ticket because you were drunk, kwim? Stupid thing to compare with, but I am sure you get the picture.
I am for a smack (firm slap on the bottom - NEVER IN THE FACE) when it is done in love and explained properly.

ETA - Did not realise there are a page 2!!!! SORRY!!!!

i think what you said was great Nessa! well done!

maybe you can keep reminding her when things happen - a smack or an accident.. just so she remembers!

Similar situation here: We used to give our DD the occasional smack... mainly when she was young (3/4yo) until one day when she was about 8 she realised that many adults thought it was wrong to smack. So when DH got really angry with her one day (and she thought that he was going to smack her) she ran out the front of the house and stood on the nature strip yelling at the top of her lungs:
"YOU'RE GOING TO SMACK ME!!! DAD'S GOING TO SMACK ME!!!".
You can imagine how mortified we were. for all the neighbours to hear. Thankfully no one said anything if they heard her. I look back now and laugh but geeeze. So, I guess all parents who smack have to accept that this is a different day and age to when we were kids. These days kids learn their "rights" (justified or not) very young. I know that a well timed smack can do wonders... but now I am convinced that there has to be a better way. We haven't smacked our sons and i think it's been for the better. just my opinion. I don't judge those that smack (in a calm controlled manner) but I just had to share my story because I think it's going to be the way of the future: kids will take advantage of any opportunity they can get to regain control. Maybe it's better to remind them that they can regain control in other ways?

At our house -

DS - DADDY HURT ME!!!
Me - Oh dear, what happened?
DS - I hit Bethy on the head with my truck waaaaah!

No we don't smack often .

I think you did a fine job talking to DD, you didn't overload her, but I would leave it at that - why?
Here's why! After giving DD (then about 4) the Stranger Danger lecture, she filed my words away in her little sponge-like brain. I told her that yelling whilst being dragged off by a stranger may not work and to say loudly "you're not my mummy!".

Six months later at the shops, DD didn't want to leave. I grabbed her hand to go and my words came right back to haunt me - NO NO, LEAVE ME ALONE - YOU'RE NOT MY MUMMY! In front of about 50 people. Excellent. 10 years later she still thinks it's funny.......

oh dear, im not looking forward to these moments at all!!