22 and pregnant and overpowered by MIL

Can anyone give me some great advice on how to deal with this issue. Me and my fiance live with his parents. And my fiance is a only child.
I am only 22 so i dont want all that old fashion crap but my MIL goes every weekend out and buys a item or object for the upcoming baby. I have told her not to. As 1 i dont get to choose the items for my baby and 2 she is taking over by buying all this stuff she likes that i dont. i said at the beginning of the pregnancy i dont want teddy bear stuff and character stuff all over the room AND that i dont like teddy bear pictures so every item she has pretty much brought has teddy bears on it. Cause she likes teddy bears. And i said i wanted to decorate the wall by getting a belly plaster done and a canvass photo of the baby when she arrives. But now the MIL has gone and brought the teddy bear wall stickers. Yes it is nice that she is buying all this stuff. But i feel overpowered and my fiance wont do anything cause it saves him buying it. Im worried if she does this now then when bub is born she will keep on doing when i dont want my little girl growing up she can get what she wants off grandma.

Hi Alissa....

Sounds like a VERY over powering MIL there... First question is.... IS there any possibility of MOVING out when the baby is born??????

I think if she is this over bearing NOW- she is only going to get worse when bubs is here... i think you need to remind her NOW that this little girl will be YOURS and your partners baby, not hers!!!

I would start decorating the nursery how YOU want it, just start with little things, try 2nd hand stores or something if money is tight, but make a start with something you like, so she has to work into what you have started and if she tries to buy stuff, tell her she needs to buy things to go with what you have already got going, not what she wants.

She sounds very pushy, buying things she is aware you dont want is not a good sign that this will be easy on you!! So i would just say thank you for her gifts, but dont use them, maybe then she will get the message.. maybe try going with her to the shops and if she is happy to pay for stuff, let her, but see if you can try and have a say in WHAT she buys. It might seem as though you are being ungratefull, but its fair enough for you to be able to choose your babies decorations for the nursery and clothes etc, Nanna's can get excited and they can go overboard (especially if its the first grandchild) but she needs to understand that this little girl will be YOUR baby.. not hers!!!!!! And as i said before, i think its a good idea to try and establish this now before the baby comes, or i can see her taking over with everything, how you change the nappy, when you feed, how you wrap bubs up etc etc etc. I think you know what i mean.

I feel sorry for you being in this situation... Good luck with it!!

Hey darl, Thankfully I do have fantastic IL's BUT i do know how you feel i've had to deal with people being like this. The only suggestion that I can give you is to sit her down and set her straight. You need to nip this in the bud now before bubs comes because I can tell you now she will take over EVERYTHING, from taking bubs to be changed when her/his nappy is dirty to bathing etc.. and that for me would drive me friggin mental. I would just sit her down and say although you appreciate the sentiment she needs to consult with you first. You have told her what you want and don't want and she doesn't seem to listen. Yes she is a grandmother and probably very excited as your dp is her only child therefore only grandchild but that doesn't mean she can just take over. This is YOUR child, she had the opportunity to raise her child the way she wanted now it's your turn. I hope it all works out, I know how bloody frustrating it can be :hug:

Alissa,

I have been there, done that....... i would seriously be looking into moving out. If she is this overpowering just over toys and teddy bears how overpowering will she be over the "management" and care of the baby?

Her heart is probably in the right place - unfortunately it could ultimately ruin your relationship with your partner, it really is soooooo hard to live with in laws and have a little one.

Geez, I think you're all being a bit harsh....

You can't tell her to stop buying things for the baby. (well you can but it isn't going to work!) I don't know one nanna that doesn't go mental buying stuff for their grandchildren. Sorry you don't like the design but it could be worse. She could be ignoring the baby OR be a nanna that is a kleptomanic and STEALS all the baby stuff (no joke this is happening to a friend of mine).

It is her house after all and you are lucky to be able to stay there and save some $$$$. If you don't like it and it bothers you this much I would move out.

You may have to get a bit more mature about it. Why don't you go shopping with her? This will give you all sorts of time to chat about things you like and don't like, the way you want to raise bubs etc. If you will be there for awhile and your DF won't do anything, you better try to make things easier for everyone involved yourself. If you can find a common ground. You can try to make a go of a friendship with her. You have to live with her after all. Not all MIL's are psycho, just enthusiastic!!

Id have to agree with Lulu here. I think its wonderful that shes that darn enthusiastic!!! Maybe if its the sort of things she is buying, can you start a theme of your own, so she then has an idea that works with you in terms of buying things??

Jo

hmmm....maybe she's thinking that as it's her house she can decorate the rooms as she wants??
Maybe ask her if you'll be able to have the room to yourself to do what you want with it? If not and that bothers you, you might have to think about moving out.
Good luck!

ok i would move out that way you have your own home with your own stuff.

but if you cant than to be honest i would just give in. i have a lot of problems with My IL's but in the end its their house so it would be rude to throw it back at her. and i agree with your partner its free. what if your DD loves teddies and wants to cover her room in it.

all mum's and mil's stick their noses in where its not needed. just go with it life is so much happier.

If it was me I'd just be pimping up the teddy bears.....
MIL used to buy awful fugly clothes for the $2 shop for my boys but I think she eventually realised that they never wore them and gave up.

it isnt your place , so i would let her do what she wants , my mil bought stuff that was so hideous i couldnt look at it .. but at the end of the day , we either accepted all the help/stuff she gave us .... the baby doesnt give a **** whats on its walls .... i would circle things in catalouges ...

you and dp have to talk about it and then talk to mil .. ask if she had any plans to buy big items .. then if she says yes then show her what you would like ...

but as for the little things , when your looking after a newborn the thing that matters is her happiness and health ... and your well being too . i think bears will the last thing on your mind ...

when you move out , you can go crazy ... she is excited for you and bubs and just doing what she thinks is right ....

Fair enough that your tastes are different to your MIL's, but if it bothers you this much - best to move out. She is doing you and your hubby a favour by allowing you to live there, and it would seem ungrateful if you start changing the decorations in the nursery. She may not be doing this to p*ss you off, it may just be that she is excited at becoming a grandma and is loving the opportunity to decorate a nursery. It might be your baby, but it's her house, so realistically, she can decorate it any way she likes!!

Is there any reason why you can't still have your belly cast and the canvas in the room? Is there a middle ground? OK, you might still have to put up with the bears, but in the general scheme of things, is it really such a big deal? Perhaps ask yourself if it is actually a sign of her being overbearing and controlling, or is she just trying to be nice? Who hasn't received a well intentioned present that sits in the back of a cupboard because it is too ugly for public view, but which gets dragged out and put proudly on display whenever the giver is visiting? It's a bit harder because you are living with her, but think about her intentions before reacting, otherwise you may hurt her feelings.

Decorating aside, if she is showing signs that she will be overwhelming with helpful hints or try to take over when bubs is born, this is something that you should address. First time grandmas are also learning the ropes, and don't always get 'helping' right, if you are able to work on a good relationship with her early on then it will be much easier to deal with if she is giving advice whilst you have a screaming baby - which is when it is difficult to remember that the intentions are good, even if the timing is bad.

If she is generous enough to be buying the 'big' things, perhaps suggest to her that you have some ideas of what you would like and to go shopping together - it will be a nice way to bond.

I have to agree with lulu here, even though I myself have been in a very similar situation...
You are very lucky to have a generous MIL who lets you stay at her house. She's about to become a grandma and while your learning to be a mother, she's learning to be a grandma too. You could have a horrible MIL who doesn't buy you anything, has no interest in the baby at all and doesnt let you stay at her house, and that would be much more terrible than a MIL who is throwing baby gear at you (and baby stuff is so expensive, take what you can get!).
My MIL always wanted a daughter and got two sons. When she discovered we were having a girl, she was ecstatic. She spoils her absolutely rotten (yeah it annoys me sometimes) but its to be expected. I just thought about my relationship with my own grandma growing up, and I adored her cos she treated me like a princess (and still does)!
As for decorating, I'm sure she would let you put the belly cast and canvas on the wall, and you can put some of the items she has bought on show too.
If its really upsetting you, you should see if its at all possible to move out. We moved out of the inlaws a month before my girl was born, and to be honest it was great having that independence.
Hmm, though it was nice having free rent, food cooked nearly every night, etc!;)

Hey all thankyou so much for the advise alot has helped.

It is so hard cause i grew up with 1 set of grandparents that would give us anything and do anything for us. And then the other side doesnt barelly want to know us. So i feel in my situation i feel overpowered like its her child not ours. and im worried that it will be to much for me when bub is born. And i want both grandparents to be equally loved not by who has more money. 1 big thing was we moved into fiance parents to save money. And bam unexspected pregnancy and been really sick though the whole thing so havent been working. So as soon as i can i want to start working again to move out.
The one thing that is getting me though is my parents taught me to be very independant and my fiance mother does absolutly everything for him cause him being a only child. (so they are pretty close). So i feel i cant talk to him about it.


But i have come to a conclussion yes it is there house. But they did say we could use the spare room as the baby room. So i have went and brought just a few little knick knacks for the wall. Until i get the other things done.
Dont get me wrong i love her to death and she never had a daughter and it is her only grandchild. I just want our daughter to grow up to know she can get things to what we can afford.

Oh girl - I hear you on the independence thing - and yes, my Dp is a mumma's boy too. I can't stand it sometimes.

My dad has spolit my teenager ROTTEN, just rotten. It could be worse though, and at the end of the say she is a good kid (and very independent) - she just goes to poppy when she wants an ipod - totally fine by me he he!

Grandys can go nuts with the money all they want. Your kids will run straight to the ones that sit down with them and read a book.....

I'm glad your MIL isn't a nutter tho - they really suck!

Good luck!

I think the situation could be much worse - just turn the tables and ask how you'd feel if she wouldnt buy anything, wouldn't be there for you, wouldn't want the best for the child, wouldn't be so excited about her grandchild... then I think you'd have something to complain about.

As it is, she's just expressing her love and excitement and although this may annoy you, perhaps just grin and bear it as much as you can. She will be a wonderful help to you and will be there when you need it not to long from now.

Good luck. xx

My Mil has nothing to do with our kids, no christmas birthday presents or card, very rarely see them, and she is only 3omins away my mum on the other hand will drop anything for them and all the grandkids, she cant afford much but the kids love her because she is there to talk with them ect and MIl barely speaks to them when she does see them, (she never turned up to any christenings or birthday parties) Yet SIL has 2 girls they get all the attention and presents ect, dont get me wrong if she doesnt want to buy for them I couldnt care less but a simple phonecall or card from her would be lovely. Fil on the otherhand makes sure he comes to their parties ect, and will often come to visit them, sorry to turn this into my post but be thankful she will be there for your DD.

Hiya!

I was in the same boat...we had a whole floor at my IL's place and were very very grateful but in my situation my MIL just wouldnt listen! But before i came to this conclusion and starting going out every day to avoid her here is what i tried:

* Educating her- re; nappy change, wrapping, why honey doesnt go on the dummy, that babies do cry, feeding, playtime etc..
* I went shopping with her to show her what we liked for DD..ie clothing that were low fire danger were a better choice
* I took DD downstairs to her or invited her upstairs and even though the advice drove me insane, i stood my ground..
* I talked to her about how WE wanted to raise DD and stuck to my guns
* I asked DH to speak to his mum on several occasions too.
and finally....
*We moved out

It is hard but i learnt that they are only trying to do what is best and what they think is best is what they practiced with their children so many years ago. My MIL keeps saying how she cared for DH and how nothing is wrong with him. I never said there was but i choose a different way using my motherly instincts, DH's input, Doctors advice, current research and using our beliefs and morals. She doesnt like a lot of our choices and she lets us know but at the end of the day DD is our child.
Best of luck :)

i was sort of in the same situation with my mil
my partner had a son with his ex he is now 2
but wen we found out i was preg she went and bought a teething ring a booster seat and clothes in size 2.
To some extent unfortunately you have to grin and bear it but maybe try letting her know that your feeling a bit left out and see if she can include you in and ask you for your feelings on things she wants to buy and then you knw what she has bought so if anyone asks what you need you wont get 2 or 3 of things.

A tip for all the teddys i got a a mosqito net that goes over the bed and made it into a hammock on the ceiling but there are also toy hammock and you can place the teddy's in there then they are ou of the way but they are stll in the room to make her happy.

Unfortunately i have a new mil problem lol
she was in the labour room with my partners ex when she was giving birth (to much of his ex's disgust) so now she is demanding she is going to be in the birthing room with me but i refuse so now im the biggest ***** in the world lol.

Hope you have some luck with your mil

I've gotta say I truely think so too that Grandma will only get worse when bub arrives :rolleyes:

... I too would move out if you possibly can financially, ... I'm concerned for your sanity too as you certainly don't want any stress when bub is finally here. It should be your time to enjoy this beautiful motherhood journey !!

I :heartbeat: love your nursery decorating ideas :dance:

Hey all.
I ended up having a big discussion with my fiance. Which ended out into a big fight. Cause he doesnt want to move out. And frankly i believe its because when he is stuck his mum bails him out eg pays his bills , cooks his dinner does all the house work for him. So i chucked a big sook and we will be moving out when the i can start working again. But i reckon when that time comes there going to be Bifs. I have just had enough its got to the point where we were looking at a house to buy and renovate and she was telling us where we will be building things , in what position the stairs will be in. And how i will have the baby shower. So when it comes to us looking for a house after bubs born they wont be coming along. Like i know everyone has a right to there own opinion. But when i dont get a say in my own stuff. I have allowed her to be in the room when the baby is born. But to be fair i have said that i dont her all my mother to be saying a peep on how i should be doing things. As i will be listening to the midwife and fiance only. Cause im worried she will try and tell the midwife what i have to do. Like i have said before she not a bad person. But how do u stand up to someone who has made every decission for her only son her whole life.

Ya poor thing! This has been going on since time immemorial so your are not on your own here...

You must try to nip it in the bud early - use firm, gentle pressure. Since you are living with her there are some things that you will have to give way on (darn teddy bears etc), but there are things you just don't have to cave in about. Having a MIL in the delivery room is a very big thing for me ( no way!) - I was lucky my ils had booked a weekend away when DS was born so I avoided that uncomfortable subject. However, I would have said the hospital only allows 2 support people and you chose DF and YOUR mum. No one can argue with that, she will try but if you promise she can have the first hold (after you) or something like it she may back down. That's if you change your mind about it.

I'm glad she is a nice person, I'm sure that if you include her in as many things as you can handle, and if she feels reassured enough that she will be an important part of the baby's life she may settle down a little. Even if you say it out straight - "you are going to be the BEST nanna ever" or ask her what your DF was like as a baby, or like I said before go shopping with her to keep a good relationship, it will hopefully be easier when she starts to get pushy. Be firm and smile, firm and smile. Listen to her advice and discard what you don't like (this applies to every person in the world that wants to "help" you!), but hear her out.

It sounds like she doesn't wanna let go of her baby, and he doesn't want her to let go of him either (lazyass!). Let her do his washing!! Remind him that he will be doing half the housework when you do move out lol. Keep graceful about it, choose your battles and come in here and have a great, big biatch about it if you need to.

Hopefully things will go well for you! Good luck xoxoxox

LOL my MIL is excellent, she does give us lots of stuff (we have about 6 million pairs of booties from her already, SERIOUSLY!)... but my SIL is a bit like this... buying lots of really awful stuff and telling me how things should be done... unfortunately its a grin and bare it situation. My SIL is going to be a first time aunty, so I let her have her fun with buying things, though I do chuck a few hints here and there and we go shopping together.

I agree with Lulu though about MIL in the delivery room... well, I am asking my MIL to be in for there with us but for me it would be SIL... if she is this pushy now, imagine what she is going to be like in there. And at such an emotional time for both you and your DF, you need someone in there who is there for you both and supporting you both, not in there for her own gain and to say she was there and try and hold bub first (sorry, just projecting my own SIL troubles there...).

It is a pain to have overbearing ILs, but it could be so much worse. She might seem to be trying to take over, but she's probably just excited about her first grandchild. Theres no way you can stop the 'advice' (believe me I've tried... :rolleyes:), so yes just smile and nod and let your mind wander.

I'd be a bit worried about the fact that she's made "all the decisions" for your partner and that she cooks and cleans for him still. I guess you are living with them and all. Hmm.

I agree with everyone who has said that you should try to nip the pushiness in the bud. If she wants to plaster tacky-as teddy bears all over her house, I guess you don't have much say in it BUT you do have a say in what house you'll move into and how you raise your child.

My Mil is great, she really is, but we've had a bit of struggle over her PRECIOUS son and me co-sleeping and baby-wearing. Its not that she's against it, just thinks I'm very strange and doesn't understand even though I have repeatedly explained things to her. That's what it takes I reckon- constant gentle reminding that this is my baby and my family and while I appreciate her help/input, at the end of the day we're different people who will do things differently. That said, sometimes I just cave and let her do what she wants because I know she means well and wants to do things for us. Like the day she insisted on taking me shopping to buy a pram that I don't want and probably won't use.

Just a thought on the house, though. If you don't let her at least feel that she's "had her say" in the house, she might be hurt and feel like you are shutting her out of your lives. Its not like you have to listen to everything she says or do what she tells you to, take it with a pinch of salt. Its probably important to her to feel a part of the process, and you don't have to take what she says to you as criticism. She probably just remembers how little she knew at 22 and wants to save you some trouble. My mil confided to me recently how hurt she still is that my sil and her husband bought a house and property and didn't ask for any advice, that it makes her feel like they don't care about what she thinks and they don't need her. It wasn't like she expected to tell them where to live, just that she missed out on "being mum" and it caused her pain.

Anyway, I hope that helps. I think most mothers have a bit of a hard time adjusting to their "little boys" having another woman in their lives who ranks higher priority. That's what it is though- an adjustment.

my MIL and my mum buys us heaps of toys, clothes, etc which upsets my hubby b/c he doesn't want our children to grow up materialistic. usually, we accept what they give us and if we don't want it, we pass it on.

sometimes though we protest because we don't want them to walk over us. for example my mum goes nuts on buying things and i had to talk to her recently because i did NOT want a bassinette because they're a waste of money and space as the baby only uses it for three months (personal opinion) and she wanted to buy me one. it took me two weeks to talk her out of buying me one. i found a baby movement monitor that i wanted and tried to sell it to her to buy that for me instead and she did so now we're both happy. :O) oh and i had to agree to her buying me a rocking chair too, but that's no big deal because i wanted one anyway.

i agree with the circling things in catalogues - she's obviously a proud grandparent to be so make the most of her wanting to spend money!!

i really appreciate everything both our mothers do for us - every cent less we have to spend is so helpful. :D

sounds like a similar situation to what im in although i dont no my mil at all she can be extremly rude and noisy i cant walk into the house with a shopping bag without her putting her nose into it and wanting to no what we brought and how much it cost. she is my partners boss cause he works for a family company and she pays him so she wants to no every week were he is spending his money and what on? its so annoying cause where together and were starting a family and now she is not only sticking her nose into his life but its also my life as well now. ARghhh mil's she also goes mad at him if we buy something for bub and she thinks its expensive saying "well back in my days we didnt need that and our baby's were fine" sorry bout that rant she has just annoyed me today.

hope everything works out for the best for you and good luck with your mil.

Yes, it will get worse when baby is born.

I think that it's going to come to you speaking very s.l.o.w.l.y and plainly with her. Something like "Agnes, I know you are excited about the baby; we all are. I think it's lovely that you are trying to help by buying things; it's really appreciated. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I am really not into the whole teddy bear thing and I don't want them all over the room. I feel bad about you buying things that I won't be using. It would be great if you could help us stockpile some things that we really need like ________ (nappies, singlets, whatever) as it will be expensive to buy all of that. It's my first baby, so although I appreciate your help, I think you'll understand I need to do things my way. Maybe we could go shopping together and I can show you the kinds of things I like?"

Sorry know it's long, but I have found this is the only way I can get any where with my MIL :( Either that or be flat out rude, which I try and avoid. Hope that's helpful.