family who scrutinise every kg you gain...

Hi,

I am 55kgs, 154cm a size 8-10 and its the heaviest ive ever been, i have put on about 3kgs and kept it on in the last 12mths. Before that i have always been a constant weight around 50-52kg's. Anyhow, my sister who has 3 kids and is bigger than me (always has been even b4 kids) always makes comments to mum like 'she looks like she has put on more weight', 'her face is fatter today', her pants are looking too tight or that top/pants she wore made her look heavier.!!! OMG I never look at her and think she is big or puffy etc, i just dont think to critisize ever!! I dont understand it.

The thing that hurts is that she sees a friend of mine same height as me and same thing they have put a few kilos on, but apparently 'they still look good'. Seriously this is what makes girls get eating disorders, i sometimes want to go to this extreme so i dont hear the horrible comments.

I joined a gym recently and when i saw the trainer the first thing she said was 'so you are not here for weight loss, just fitness?' She didnt even ask me just assumed. So from that comment i can assume that i dont actually look as big as my sister makes out? My partner always tell me not to listen to her and that she is most probably jealous. But i cant understand that either.

I have an aunty that does the same thing. I avoid seeing her for that very reason but with my sister its different. I couldn't not see her.

And now when im just about to embark on ivf to get pregnant i am all down and paranoid about how im going to then cope with my sister and the comments once i start to gain weight (if i do get pregnant).

Im terrified of gaining weight now. And my self esteem is so lo..:(

I would suggest your sister is probably jealous of you and makes these comments to make HERSELF feel better. Going by your stats you are NOT AT ALL big. I would listen to trainer at the gym more than her. What a *****!

Your sister is insecure and that has nothing to do with you. Don't let her put her baggage on your shoulders. Ignore her, or tell her where to stop the world and get off. If you want to work out, more power to you, you'll feel great. If it were my sister (who wouldn't say such things) I'd point out she's bigger than I, and that I'm happy with the way I look and don't need to put someone else down. For pete's sake, you're no whale. Not even a porpoise. :)

I would simply turn around to her and say, "darling when you are my weight or thinner then you can comment until then shuttup because its total projection, and in that case if you aren't happy with your own body do something about it. Because you know what I LOVE mine." I bet you she won't know what hit her!

How rude, how dare anyone think they have a right to do or say those things to anyone, especially family.

If she makes a comment like that again just drop your jaw down on the floor and cry: "WHAT!!! I have been eating only lettuce for a week now and my scale said I dropped about 100 grams!!!!!! Are you sure ... when last did you have an eye test??"

Seriously, I would take her aside and ask her if she has a problem with you and explain that after putting on a WOPPING :rolleyes: 3kg's, you are still a woman and very sensitive about weighty issues and would appreciate her not refering to your weight. Explain to her that even though she might think that you don't take it to heart, it goes straight for that soft bit in the middle. :hug: And tbh, I don't know why your mom does not say something to her. She is being rude. I agree with the girls that she is probably jealous of your petite figure, but that does not give her the right to be rude and sure as hell not by hurting your feelings to make her feel better.

And for gaining weight when pg - OF COURSE you must. SHE of all ppl should know that. Just keep going to the gym and take note of what you eat and then you will pick up the pg weigh NATURALLY and drop it just as naturally.

Good luck with the IVF. Hope all goes well and you are pg asap :)

Yep, sounds like your sister has a case of the green eyed monster, and is trying to project her insecurities onto you.

Goodluck with the IVF :)

Nic

Oh wow... You are absolutely TINY!!!! You are about 1/2 my size!!!! Actually, seeing how I am about the size of a house, you must be the size of a townhouse or something...:P

I have to agree with the other girls that your sister is probably jealous of your body, and is making those comments to try and make herself feel a bit better.

Next time that she says something, I do agree that you should say something about how her comments are hurtful, and that you wish that she would stop making them.

BUT I don't think you should point out that she is bigger than you are. As someone who is big, and almost always has been, it is horrible to hear that people think that you are huge (i suppose it would hurt no matter what size you are)... at least you, being tiny, can look in a mirror and see the truth, or hear the truth from the trainer or whoever. But when you actually are big, and people tell you that, there is absolutely nowhere that you can go to, to get any reassurance about your body, its size, and how you look - I know that if I was to ask anyone, they would all tell me that I look fat and unattractive, but to actually hear those things out loud would just about kill me! And while I might think that one of my sisters, or one of the girls at work, etc, might look look larger in a particular outfit, or that their skirt is a bit tight, I wouldn't ever say anything - unless we went shopping together, and she was asking for my opinion on something she was trying on...

Instead of making nasty comments back to her, how about just saying that her comments are hurtful, and that you wish that she would stop making them, and then maybe you could ask her if she wants to join the gym with you? Maybe she is looking for someone to help her with her own body size, and would like to go, but not on her own? I know that I HATE going for a walk on my own, but if I am at my mum's house (she is a fitness fanatic), I will quite happily go for 2 hours walks with her, because I have someone to go with, and talk to, and take my mind of the pain! And she also makes me walk faster than what I would do on my own...

Maybe your sister is looking for some kind of reassurance for herself. Do you and your family ever say anything about her body? A stray compliment every now and then can do wonders for someone who rarely hears them! My own (rather skinny) sister said that I looked good in this new shirt that I had bought the other day, and also noticed that I have lost a little bit of weight (5kg), and when people actually notice things, and give you a compliment, then you feel better about yourself and are more likely to do something about the weight. My sisters compliment has kind of kicked along my desire to lose more weight, coz it does get to the point that if no-one is going to notice, then why bother doing anything anyway?

Anyway, I know that i have rambled on a bit, but I hope that makes sense to you - it is a bit late at night, and I don't know if I have found all the right words to say what I am trying to get across....

I have never said anything straight back to her face, and i never say anything about her weight. Not because i dont want to hurt her feelings, i just dont even notice the details. She actually points out to specific parts, my tummy, thighs, calves etc.

I do try to ignore it but after every 10 or so incidents i have a bit of a breakdown like tonight....

thanks everyone for listening and responding to my vent. You have given me a few laughs and made me feel better. :)

Just wanted to say that as someone who has battled with my weight forever (my family given nn was Triple T (Tubby Two Tits)) and who is your size, that when I got down to 52 kgs, I was stoked! lol So I dont think you should be worried lol
I agree with the other girls.

But wrt to feelin glike you should be thinner and interesting thin g I found out whilst I was very thin was that if I had've got down to below 48kgs, for my height if I went into hospital, legalyl they couldve kept me there until I put on weight. 49kg and below for a 5'4 girl is considered underweight to the point where you are deemed anorexic!

Maybe you should just tell your sister that her constant comments on the size of your thighs is really boring and could see start reading the newspaper to have something interesting to talk about ;P

I hear you!

It's not fair that your sister puts you down to make herself feel better about her insecurities. If it wasn't weight it would be something else I'm sure of it!

I think I look my best at about 55 kilos, but some people (my Mum and MIL had a go too) would point out that my butt was getting big or I had a pot belly. Well der I had 2 kids (at the time, Angus was a baby).

Last year I got down to 47 kilos (not from doing any dieting I have to add, it just happened like that) and then I got the too skinny comments. I was a bridesmaid for my SIL and after I got my dress MIL carried on that I better not put on any weight blahblahblah. You should have heard her at the wedding, (she's not quiet, she laughs like a strangled cat) telling EVERYONE that I had to watch what I ate for the first time in my life so I would be able to wear it. Piffle! I was sensible but I didn't diet.

I swear it feels sometimes that I can't converse with anyone without them commenting about my weight. It's hardly ever nice either! I get compliments occasionally which surprise me and I usually wait for the sarcasm. DH loves me for who I am and keeps talking me out of getting a boob job ;) I think that insecurity comes from my mum who's favourite put down line is "the girls got no boobs".

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49kg and below for a 5'4 girl is considered underweight to the point where you are deemed anorexic!

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Limey I'm far from anorexic and I am 5'4" and 47 kilos (well could be a bit more now I'm PG but haven't weighed myself for weeks). I am on the low end of the BMI but my Dr is happy enough with my weight as I am fleshy and muscular. I have a very light bone structure though which is partly attributed to my low weight.

My family are the opposite. After years and years (ages 18-25) of being between 12kg and 20kg overweight i am now a normal weight for my height (though you lot make me laugh in your teeny 40's and 50's because i am 77kg!! I'm 181cm and have a lot of bone and muscle though) and my dad constantly frets that i am too thin. He's never critical, but he does voice concerns if he has them. I am also very active (by MY standards) for the first time in my life (run 30km/week, swim 0.5k, bodypump 60mins) and while my dad has been inspired and started being more active himself, my sister (who is 162cm and about 140kg) always tells me i'm using up heartbeats and will hurt myself, but then when she sees me says "oh you're so lucky you're thin" which makes me think (but not say) "i work my ARSE off to stay thin!". My brother, who called me "community chest" all through my teens/early twenties, told me a few days ago i looked (with 34DD's rather than 36G's) like a flat-chested boy.

You just can't win. ;)

Bx

Like a previous poster I find people who can only talk about weight, clothes, make-up, who's pretty, who's not, EXTREMELY boring.

So you can either deal with your sister in a nice way or a nasty way. Your call. But do know this is not about you, it's about her not being happy with herself and taking it out on you. VERY immature.

I overheard some teenage girls on the train the other day and the conversation literally went like this "d'you think she's pretty or ugly? Cos like I don't know. Sometimes I think she's pretty and sometimes I think she's ugly."

It was nauseating and it went ON and ON and ON. I really felt like telling them to STFU and talk about something interesting.

And btw, I'm 166cm and have been 49kg. When I was anxious/depressed and living on a couple of bites of apple and half a sandwich per day because I literally couldn't eat. Now I'm 70kg so a bit overweight. Know what I'd prefer.

Raven, you are tiny, and you look great! I cant believe you get those comments too. Thats exactly how i feel whenever i see family someone inevitably mentions my weight directly or indirectly. Its to the point where i labour over what i wear to any family functions so as not to wear anything that makes me look bigger than i am etc.

Fiona, YESSSSSSS Im the same I hate it when people make comments on how others look. It really annoys me. Thats actually what my sister does, she constantly talks about who's pretty who's not and the of course the weight thing. She'll be sitting watching tv with us and then turn to my DF and say, do u think so and so is hot/pretty etc, cos apparently her DP thinks she is/or is not. My poor DF HATES it!!! I hate it too, its so irrelevant and who cares so much that you have to analyse it. Everybody knows beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everybody has different tastes!!

I luv my sis but we are very different and i shouldn't just whinge i should tell her but as her older sister and knowing that she has had bulimia (in her teens, early 20's) I dont want to upset her either. I just have to not let it get to me.

Jules, how terrible that your sister says these things to you. Actually, I think it's worse that your Mum tells you what she has said, why do that? No offence to your Mum or anything.

Some family members can truly be cruel. Why can't they just keep their comments to themselves. It's very obvious that your sister is jealous of you, especially if she is bigger. Jealousy is one wasted emotion in my books.

I know you have to see your sister but if she hurts you so much, why bother? I wouldn't, just walk away and get on with your own life, you really deserve happiness. Don't let family members bring you down, life is too short.

SHE has the problem, not you, walk away from it.

You don't want to upset HER? This isn't just nastiness, if this were anyone but your sister we'd all be calling a spade a spade and say it's bullying.

Tell her to shut up and give her mouth a chance. If my sister were still treating me like this (not about weight but about other things) I'd not see her at all, no regrets. Same with my mother, who backed her up. You don't need people treating you like this.

(BTW, I'm a size 8-10, 5'11 and about 65kgish. Trust me, you're not fat. Cos if you are then I am and I'll have to cut back on food and no-one will be happy then.)

Oh Jules, I used to have a housemate like your sister who would constantly give a running commentary on how someone looked on TV. It was the very first thing she said as soon as a woman appeared. And this was from someone who would bag men for judging women on their appearance!

So I told her off and said how can someone who calls themselves a feminist be so OBSESSED with other women's appearance? I mean, we all notice (let's not kid ourselves here) but to go so far as analysing/judging/talking about it and spending that much of your day doing it ... I don't get it.

She seemed genuinely surprised ... maybe she didn't know she was doing it. Perhaps tackle your sister on this first (with your DF's support) - just say it's a really boring topic of conversation.

Anyhow, needless to say, my housemate didn't stay a housemate for long.

Yeah i do get very annoyed at my mum for telling me as well. A few weeks ago i went to mums during my work lunch break as my sister was there, i go mainly to see my neices. And later when i spoke to mum she said that my sis mentioned that the dress i was wearing didn't suit me/didn't look good on me. I luv that dress its so comfortable (suit dress, nice cut) and that very day i had workmates complement me on it!! Arrghhhhhh.... Now i haven't worn the dress again cos i think of what she said (although it was behind my back)

Its good to get everyone's opinions cos i now know that ive been too nice in not telling her off.

OK Jules, time that your mum and your sister both received a piece of your mind. Wear the dress again - infact, wear it every time you go around there. I'm sure it looks lovely and if they say anything say "well, my colleagues think it looks good and I trust their opinion WAY more than yours."

Honestly, the way they're both carrying on is bang out of order.

I can't believe your mum is buying into the whole thing.

Tell them both to go and get lives. They obviously haven't got enough to do.

grrr..........I hate this. I don't understand why people do it. I am not fat, I'm 158cms and about 52-53kg. Perfectly normal weight. Not skinny but not fat at all. Whenever I see some of my relatives they have to comment 'you like you've put on some weight' 'do you still have a pudgy tummy hidden under that dress?' WTF?? Why is it any of your business and why do you feel the need to comment?? If I wasn't family they wouldn't say it. If DH or I say anything to them about it they will just laugh and say 'oh, don't be silly, we're family'. Oh so that gives you the right to insult me?? BTW, they are definately overweight, how on earth can they comment??
Well, I've been no help!! I have no idea how to stop it!

Hey - you've had heaps of great advice already Jules but I just wanted to say that family are supposed to be supportive (but of course we all know they don't always live up to this ideal! :rolleyes:). I guess if you can work out in your own mind what level of respect/support you expect from them, all you can do is ask for them to respect this (easier said than done sometimes). It is possible, (as already mentioned in this thread), that they don't realise how hurtful their comments are or how often they're making them. If the situation doesn't change, if they don't change, even after you've explained, you can't control them. All you can do is work out what you're willing to tolerate. It really sounds like your sister might not have resolved all her issues with food/weight/body image etc and is subjecting you to her stuff.

Good luck! I hope whatever you decide to do, it works out for you. :hug:

Also, I agree with Fiona - wear that work skirt whenever you want to! Don't let their comments limit or inhibit you!

thanks Kaz. I will wear that dress again!! :)