mateauz joseph memphis bourke - his story
Before I go into detail - I just wnated everyone to know its taken me a long time to tell his story becuase its taken me a long for me to get my head around everything that has happened to him in the last 3 months.
When I was in the Royal childrens with him, the doctors told me that IF mateauz makes it to the 3 month mark, then we could start breathing easier as it would take his long for the blood clots to settle and disolve. I have never shared this with anyone and only just told Jed last night. Its not easy knowing that your child coulc have another blood clot rupture and possibly die but its something I didnt want to worry my darling Jed with, he's worried enough about us in the last 6 months (this includes our pg)
Here's a cut out of what I posted somewere else...please im sorry if anyone takes offence to what im typing. its nt ment for that purpose.
I went into thearter, *****ting myself as usual. Asked the anethatistic to take pics for me and he couldnt wait. I told him not to miss anything and he smiled at me................then I woke in recovery. First thing I asked for was my hubby and my baby (Im crying already sorry) nurse said that I couldnt see my baby becasue he was in Special cares unit under oxygen. Then the nurse told me he almost died and I sat there and was so drugged up that Jed said I was smiling but tears were streaming down my face. I remember feeling like everyone was looking at me and I just wanted to get up and run but couldnt. I 'woke up' in my room to have a nurse tell me that I couldnt see my baby atm casue he was being seen by the doctor and that I needed to rest in bed...i demanded a wheelchair and after 4 hours was finally given one. I remember being wheeled in and seeing Mateauz for the first time with all these wires all over him, oxygen tube and this little frail blue tinged baby with his chest just rising and falling ever so slightly. all I wanted to do was take him out of that dame thing and hold him. I wasnt aloud to touch him until 9pm that night....11 hours after I had had him. I walked back and forth from that dame nursary a thousand times for the next 2 days, were he had seizures and stopped breathing a few times (turning blue again). I asked if any pictures were taken and they said no as he was not in a good state and the pics would have distressed me. I was determined to get him better. I expressed every 2 hours (and OMG it killed but I gritted my teeth), We had a break through on thrusday - Mateauz came out and into a 'normal' cot...only to be put back in an hour later cause he had another seizure and his body temp was just to low. It was then that I had found out that he was born not breathing and toatlly limp and blue. I just remember telling the nurse that I was going for a shower and that Id be back soon. It was between there adn my room that I started thinking it was my fault...I rejected my baby and he didnt want me casue I had so wanted a girl, not a boy. I honestly thought I had bought all this on to him myself and totally lost it. I totally hated myself for the feeling I had and began hating myself for being such a selfish b!tch for being so picky about the sex of my child when there are other people out there who cant have kids. All I kpet thinking was, my baby isnt going to know his mummy cause he thinks mummy never loved him. The midwife who was looking after me heard me in the shower and was so good. She got a counciller for me and I had a chat to her later that day. I was told it was normal and 'healthy' to have these feeling considering the circumstances and the last few months of my pg and being told the wrong sex. im glad I spoke to the counciller and im so glad that my midwife had the brains to help me when I needed it. Jed was so scared id end up with post natal cause he had never seen me like this before.
on Sunday the 28th of January Mateauz was rushed o hospital at 2am in the morning as Jed and I had noticed he was having seizures. I joined Mateauz at the Mercy hospital on the monday and it was then that MRI's were done a a huge blood clot was discovers in his Vein of gailen...the main atery to his brain, and a ruptured clot in his white matter, which had caused brain damage. We spent 2 very uncertain weeks at the Royal Childrens were he was heavily monitored. I felt like quiet the robot and didn't know if my baby would servive or not. I cant really go into it now..I still find it very hard but lets just say, My little man is thriving. My heart just explodes when he smiles at us and his eyes light up when we talk to him. His long term outcome is Cerapal Palsey..to what extent is still uncertain but with Physio therapy he has already come a long way.
Thanks for allowing me to share our story. Ive wanted to share it with the girls that have followed our pg and have gotten to love my little man.
To everyone that helped us, supported us and were there for us...we thank you and think of you all every day.
