why do women feel the need to share their horror stories?

It seems that every time I have mentioned to any other woman that I am 6 weeks pregnant, they automatically feel the need to share their miscarriages, still births and pregnancy, birth horror stories. And then have the nerve to say, "So are you excited?" I read the research and 85% of all conceptions go to full term without any complications. But why does it seem that everyone I seem to bump into only have bad experiences? Where are the women out there that have enjoyed being pregnant and had a wonderful experience (but painful obviously).
They say that you should not stress out about things! Well my message to these women is,
"Please think twice before blurting out your issues on a newly pregnant first timer, its hard to get excited about something that by most women's comments is doomed for failure".

Any newbies finding this, or is it just me? its distressing and I do my best to ignore them and not let their comments sink in. But now I am just getting cranky about it!:wall:

Awwww hun it is hard isn't it when you are so excited and others seem so down. When I was pg all I heard at work was, oh sleep in while you can, your life is over, gee you have no idea what is coming...etc and I was like NO I don't really know BUT why on earth have you people had kids?????? It really baffled me that NOBODY had anything positive to say about their kids.

I had one teacher say, "Tan it is the hardest thing you do, but it will be the best, most rewarding and wonderful thing in your life so enjoy every second!" So I hung on to that and ignored the rest. The advice and stories don't end once you have bub either, sorry to say, but just surround yourself with people who love and support you and are as excited as you! and ignore the rest - nod and say, "sorry to hear that" and move on and enjoy your pregnancy sweety! Congratulations!!!!!

Yeah I think some people talk first - think second!!!!

When I first got preggers with this one, I went to a doc to confirm the pregnancy (I was 4wk 2days) and he said to me "come back when you are 13 weeks, because 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage and I don't want to see you before then".

I was like.. uh.. yup... ok.. new doctor!!!!

Really, people should just keep their mouths shut. We know the odds. We don't need negatives when most of us stress out enough already about it!!!!! :wall:

I totally sympathise..

Thank you Tan. I know its going to be hard and I am reading as much as I can about what is happening and what is going to happen. I just want to enjoy my pregnancy as we have decided that we only want the one child. So if that plan stays in place then this is it for me and I don't want to have my experience ruined by people who want to include me into their unhappy experience. I know its going to be tuff but I also want to grow as a person through this. I guess part of that growth will be learning to ignore these people.

I don't know why people feel the need either! I always got "Your life will never be the same again once you have a baby!", like it was a bad thing. No, life isn't the same, it's heaps better! I love my boys so much that I can't imagine life without them.

I am one who can put her hand up and say I loved pregnancy and I loved my second labour, it was an awesome experience!

So there you go, there is LOTS to look forward to. Enjoy the precious journey :)

I was actually talking to my mum about this yesterday. Some people say they're just trying to share their experiences... I think they just want to make us as scared as they were!

I used to sit there and listen in horror, and then get really scared and cry my eyes out (and of course everyone shares their stories once you're actually pregnant, kind of like a "theres no way you'll escape this!" theory I suppose)... but I've now made it perfectly clear I don't want to know. Maybe when they start to tell a horror story interupt and say "didn't you just hate it when people told you all those horror stories..." which will hopefully shut them up or at least create a silence where you can change the subject!

P.S. Mum told me to enjoy it! I'll pass that on to you! She's had many different types of births and said its the most painful and wonderful experience ever, and afterwards no matter how hard its been you'll lay awake and just look at your little miracle and you won't even remember how much pain you were in a few hours ago (it's what lets mums go back and do it again!).

P.P.S. My mum also reckons breaking your ribs hurts more than labour! LOL!

Puppies, sadly this is only going to get worse. And TBH, I can't for the life of me explain it. Most women use pain relief in labour due to fear of not being able to cope, and why do you think they have that fear? Because they have heard horror stories and a barrage of people saying "oh, you'll need pain relief". It is ludicrous. We were designed to give birth, we can do it and people should stop scaring us and let us get on with it. And the people who should know better are the ones doing this.

FWIW, I had a vaginal delivery with just gas (and I probably could have done without that even) and found it to be an amazing experience. Sure, there is pain, but with good preparation (get your hands on New Active Birth as a starting point), you can find a beneficial position and cope just fine. And believe me, it is well worth it, you feel so empowered and elated afterwards, and recover so much quicker than if you resort to an epidural (like I did first time due to lack of knowledge).

Anyway, I digress. My point is that not all births are horror stories at all. It can be an amazing experience and one you will treasure for your whole life. Don't listen to anyone who says anything negative about child birth. Read up on all the fantasic stories you can (there are some great ones here on BB), read up on active birth and go have a fantastic birthing experience.

For what it's worth I LOVED being pregnant and (in hindsight) loved my labour. Sure the labour hurt so I probably wouldn't say I loved it that much at the time but it was a very positive, natural and empowering experience and I'd do it all again in a heart beat. Enjoy every second- it's such an amazing precious time in a women's life that you have been so blessed to be able to experience. It's magic :D

I agree hun - whenever anyone tells me that they have just found out they are pregnant i am happy for them - but in the back of my mind i am just praying everything goes ok....

From my perspective, i just wish we were better informed through our education about the risk of miscarriage - unitl i had one i had no idea how common they were. And i felt like i was so alone, the only person in the world who it had happened to.

Then i found bellybelly - and realised just how prevalent it is.

I guess its just the way some women feel a need to shelter others against what could possibly happen. They shouldnt, they should let you have your magical experience.

I do think it boils down to our education regarding miscarriage though - i mean, did you know how often it can happen before you found info on sites like belly belly??

How gloomy does that sound??!!

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy puppies!

I found my birth story if you feel like a read of a birth that went pretty darn well ;)
https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...very-long.html

Thanks I will read that for sure when I get home. I appreciate all the positive experiences coming out. Keep'em coming please.
Thanks

I copped a lot of negativity from my MIL when I was PG. She even told me she wasn't getting excited yet because I'd either miscarry or one of us would die during labour! I thought about her behaviour (there was a lot of it over the course of my pregnancy!) and I came to the conclusion that she felt she had to share her experience with me because she hadn't healed - she couldn't let go. So talking to me about her experience was her way of coping and "healing"... and I think that is the way for a lot of women who had a rough time. Also, some people feel they have to say SOMETHING - so just blurt out the first thing in their mind!

For what it is worth, labour is the best thing and the worst thing you'll ever experience. But once you see your bubba - it doesn't matter. You child will give you so many wonderful, trying, challenging memories and times and although life will be vastly different - you won't want to trade back for anything!

I think MG is on the money - most women with horror stories haven't "healed", so to speak.

Puppies I had two wonderful pregnancies, one "good" birth and another fantastic one. I had no morning sickness with either boy and the only symptoms were mild like sleeplesness in the later months, stretch marks and with DS#! I had a sore back because I didn't take it easy. With DS#1 I had a "drug-free" vaginal birth (I had gas but was already 9cm dialted so it did nothing LOL!) and no use of forceps or suction - that was my "good" birth because I had a fair bit of OB interference (directed pushing, episiotomy) and a posterior-presented bub to deal with. And DS#2's birth was fantastic - over in 4 hours, totally natural at a birth centre with nary an internal exam in sight and midwives in attendance. And no tearing or episiotomy. I breastfed both boys without a problem (only minor one was slight cracked nipples with DS#2 because I got lazy with attachment). DS#1 was fed to 9 months when I got pg again, and DS#2 is still feeding strong.

You CAN have a great pregnancy and birth, and incidentally the only reason my first son's brith was "good" rather than fantastic was because I listened to all the horror stories and BELIEVED them, and so I was scared and chose an OB rather than a midwife.

I was just reading this thread and thought it was funny that I was just talking about all this last weekend.

I am doing a calmbirth (similar to hypnobirth) course, to allow me to 'enjoy' my labour as much as I have been enjoying my pregnancy. During this course we were talking about how people seem to love telling you horror stories - but the truth came out that none of us wanted to hear about the horror story and it was all about the other person de-briefing. They need to tell you their story because they haven't fully dealt with it themselves. But the problem with doing this is that they are telling the wrong people and so never fully feel satisfied that they have worked through their issues. We were told that after the birth we should de-brief with each other (couples) and if things didn't go to plan to actually seek out a counsellor to help with the debriefing. This I imagine would be done with a doula or private mid-wife if you go down that path. So something to keep in mind....

Also I have to say I have really been enjoying my pregnancy, and had very few issues. Even the issues I have had I haven't really been concerned about - even the spotting I had at about 13 weeks. My philosophy is trust yourself and your instincts - you know when something is wrong, like when you feel sick - and don't sweat the small stuff. If people start telling you horror stories tell them to shush - your baby is listening! Womens bodies were built for this so why do people seem to believe they aren't?

Congratulations once again on your BFP!

I had a wonderful stress free pg (except m/s) with all of my girls. Once i knew I was pg I just carried on as if everything would be OK and it was. This time though I am freaking out, mainly about having a miscarriage, it is because I have been taking on everyone elses bad experiences and thinking that they will happen to me- to counter act this I have been only reading positive pregnancy and birth related issues. Anything negative I try to gloss over straight away. I realize this may be naive but it is my coping mechanism at the moment. If some one starts to vent at me I just say (respectfully of course) " I appreciate you trying to share, but I really can't talk about this atm, lets talk about something else" I have only had to do this once but it worked. Just to let you know all three of my births were great, I had no drugs, no stiches and great midwives. The best feeling in the world is when the baby first slides out after all your hard work, you can't beat it. Have a great pregnancy.

Yep, what mummytummy said! Only she said it way better than me because I would have used many expletives. But yes, it has to be the debriefing.....

Dp was at the bus stop the other week (outside a Drs office), one lady was preg and there was another sitting there raving on about how horrible.....well you know the story. Dp got quite annoyed, told the stupid woman off and then told the close to tears preg woman how wonderful the birth of our kids were, how much he respected my choices and the elation we all felt. I'm pretty sure he gave her BB's address and told her to come on in!

I was so proud of him, she cheered up no end.

I wish someone would have hassled me like that - I seem to have a "don'tmesswithme face" very dissapointing.

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From my perspective, i just wish we were better informed through our education about the risk of miscarriage - unitl i had one i had no idea how common they were. And i felt like i was so alone, the only person in the world who it had happened to.

Then i found bellybelly - and realised just how prevalent it is.


I do think it boils down to our education regarding miscarriage though - i mean, did you know how often it can happen before you found info on sites like belly belly??

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On that note, as someone who falls pregnant literally at the drop of a hat, I had no idea how hard it really is to get pregnant either!!

Yes, I have had some bad pregnancy experiences, and some bad labour experiences, but when you have that little bub in your arms, or suckling at your breast (if you choose to breastfeed), and all you can do is look down at them in awe and wonder and amazement .... well, everything else just fades into the darkest recesses of memory ...

The main "horror story" I was told was that I'd never manage birth because I was so small, and I'd end up having a c-section. I hate needles, I hate blood and I hate pain and I was very adamant from the get go that under no circumstances was I having an epidural (so if I had to have a c-section, I told the dr's they'd have to knock me out to do it!) Anyway, I have had 3 vaginal deliveries, heading for my 4th.

I love my kids and I could not imagine my life without them. :D

I think the main thing is to take what you need from other people's stories, but don't take their whole negative experience on board! :)

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It seems that every time I have mentioned to any other woman that I am 6 weeks pregnant, they automatically feel the need to share their miscarriages, still births and pregnancy, birth horror stories. And then have the nerve to say, "So are you excited?" I read the research and 85% of all conceptions go to full term without any complications. But why does it seem that everyone I seem to bump into only have bad experiences? Where are the women out there that have enjoyed being pregnant and had a wonderful experience (but painful obviously).
They say that you should not stress out about things! Well my message to these women is,
"Please think twice before blurting out your issues on a newly pregnant first timer, its hard to get excited about something that by most women's comments is doomed for failure".

Any newbies finding this, or is it just me? its distressing and I do my best to ignore them and not let their comments sink in. But now I am just getting cranky about it!:wall:

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It's poor form, and why people insist on doing this I have no idea. The best thing you can do, I think, is to remind yourself that for every horror story, there are probably 1,000 women at any one moment in the world giving birth to healthy kids. People never want to go with the good, just the bad. Let them waffle :)

Puppies... firstly a HUGE congrats on your pregnancy!!! :D

Secondly, I think so many people are glass half empty and I'm a glass half full person, so I found the same thing. I have a friend who is currently 22 wks pg and I've actually told her that people will feel the need to tell her all these bad/painful things but to ignore them!! I LOVED being pregnant and had the MOST amazing and wonderful birthing experience. I had my little man and felt I could go back straight away and do it all over again!! I did hypnobirthing and it was wonderful. I think that you will find a lot of ladies here who have had amazingly wonderful experiences.

I hope you have a fantastic pregnancy and birthing of your little bubba and try to ignore the lovely horror stories people think we need to hear! Oh and by the way, the honest truth with my birthing experience... I had no pain (so it does NOT have to be painful at all) and no drugs - I attribute it to hypnobirthing (or sometimes called calm birthing).

I think it's the same as the old customer service adage - if you get good service you tell 3 people, if you get bad service you tell 9 people. Somehow people who feel they had a hard time are determined to tell everyone and their dog about it.

On the other hand i had a great birth and people DON'T want to hear about it. I actually had some older women snort "that's not a STORY!" when i told them about it. My birth story is here. I had a very strange labour, but i LIKED it. Yes it was a challenge, but so is running 10 miles and i do that for fun too ;)

Best of luck hun.

Bx

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It seems that every time I have mentioned to any other woman that I am 6 weeks pregnant, they automatically feel the need to share their miscarriages, still births and pregnancy, birth horror stories. And then have the nerve to say, "So are you excited?" I read the research and 85% of all conceptions go to full term without any complications. But why does it seem that everyone I seem to bump into only have bad experiences? Where are the women out there that have enjoyed being pregnant and had a wonderful experience (but painful obviously).
They say that you should not stress out about things! Well my message to these women is,
"Please think twice before blurting out your issues on a newly pregnant first timer, its hard to get excited about something that by most women's comments is doomed for failure".

Any newbies finding this, or is it just me? its distressing and I do my best to ignore them and not let their comments sink in. But now I am just getting cranky about it!:wall:

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What don't other Mums tell you when you're pregnant!? Even after you have your baby, they still continue to give you horror stories of how awful their days are and they're so negative! Trust me...don't listen. Just shrug it off as all pregnancies and children are different. Each family is different too. If you choose to sleep with your baby, not BF, feed them solids at 4 months etc, it is up to you!! Having Madeleine has been awesome for us. And all those horror stories they gave me! HAHA, some woman said she didn't even get time to brush her hair. Righto...why is it that some days I can straighten my hair whilst my daughter watches me? You enjoy your pregnancy and tell those women to bugger off LOL!

I LOVED pregnancy. It's fantastic. It's enjoyable. Ignore the sciatica, it doesn't last forever. Pregnancy is GREAT. TBH, labour doesn't hurt. Honestly. Just relax and go with it. A baby coming down is less painful than a period.

I will not discuss anything else unless asked and I'm up to it. Which, right now, I'm not.

I used to laugh at the horror stories and just ask how come they did it again then, then walk off. I suggest EVERY woman does the same to stop this rudeness.

Firstly, wow this is just such a fascinating thread! :clap:

It's funny, I was actually in the "I don't want kids" camp for quite some years (gosh that feels shocking to admit in here!), and looking back (after the overnight change of mind) I realise a lot of it was based on fear. The number of people who used to whinge/complain/gripe at us about pregnancy/birth/parenthood was phenomenal... and then at the end they'd say, so are you guys having kids? Our running joke was that it was the worst marketing strategy ever!

When I changed my mind, all my rational reasons for "not having" didn't change one bit... just the emotions/hormones/heart said yeeeeeees. And amazingly enough, so did DH's! I'm going into this with my eyes open and I can't wait for this exciting thrilling change in my life.

So far I haven't copped too many bad stories, but I tell you what, I'll borrow some of the great lines from you lovely ladies when I do!

I think this falls into the same category of - why do people think it is suddenly ok to pat your stomach without asking????

I had two relatively easy stress free pregs and births, and then 2 miscarriages - one a missed m/c. I had no idea like Kitt3n said that a missed m/c was so common until joining BB - so maybe you should recommend those sharing to join BB .... :)

I suppose I might fall into that category occasionally though as depending on who I am talking to, I say this is my 5th preg, but I don't do the gory details.

Good luck
Sam

Just wonted to say Congratulations :dance:

Maybe point out to these women that you are stressed and don't need to hear it.

Good Luck:)

Sami H- I am in total agreeance with you on the whole BELLY TOUCHING ISSUE!! I love my family touching it and feeling the kicks, but so many people that I don't really know used to love touching my belly. It used to really give me the creeps....

Nothing used to annoy me more when I was pregnant that listening to other women tell me how horrible their experience was, how I'd *have* to have drugs/epidural, and how I'd never get any sleep. Only one woman told me a positive story and basically said to me that I'd be right. A big pooey to everyone who doubted me, because I had a great labour - I'd go as far as saying an easy labour. It didn't get hugely painful until the baby crowned, but even then I was so focused on getting it out that it wasn't unbearable. I make a point to tell women when they ask that it wasn't nearly as bad as everyone makes out and that its entirely doable without drugs. So many women still look at me like I'm stupid for not having an epidural which still drives me nuts.

Same here leebee...I had a relatively quick labour (5 hrs) for my first and so many women gave me horror stories. I didn't have an epi either, just gas and a peth shot but that didn't kick in anyway until after she came out. I was induced too and although your contractions came hard and fast, I got through it! Shame on all those mothers who made me fear labour!!!!!

My MIL was the worst.

In the first week we knew i was pregnant she told me how bad her labour was and how many m/c she had to get her three kids. Hello it's MY turn, i want a positive experience OK? All she did after the birth was complain about how much longer she had to push for (I only pushed for eight minutes :D)

I too had an amazing and fantastic birth. I ENJOYED it so much that it's made me want to be a midwife, so I can support women through it, so they can have as empowering and liberating, CHOICE experiences like mine! This is my birth story if you're up for a lookie - but it is 5000 words long :lol:.

Wishing you a H&H pregnancy hun, and don't listen to anyone. I say do what Rosehip_Fairy says and if anyone tells you how horribloe birth is ask them why so many women go back for more.

i had a "horror'' labour and delivery - and i discovered, after i survived this, there is nothing to "do" with that trauma and experience afterwards. Everyone is focussed on the new baby, it's like what i had just gone thru had never happened (as far as everyone else was concerned.) No debrief, no medical explanation, nothing. So i have alot of unresolved grief about what we went thru.

i have since found out, another hospital i could have delivered at, actually has a mental health nurse who visit new mothers, to debrief them, get them any support services they need etc.

i never thought i would need any of that, i was all ready for a home water birth! things can change so mfast!

I accept what happened to me was a rare occurence, really freaky. When i hear someone else is pregnant, i feel happy for them, and don't expect that they will have a freak delivery like me. I wouldn't bore them with my experience as i realise it was rare, and highly unlikely to happen to them as well.

i enjoyed being pregnant, would love another bub (but that isn't going to happen) and feel all happy when i meet other people who are newly pregnant. I like to concentrate on the positives of them being pregnant.

when they get the aches and pains of pregnancy, i like to share things that helped me - e.g the full body pillow - but only if i think it might be relevant to what they're going thru at the time.

After taking five years to conceive, i was so elated to be pregnant.
Lots of people told me horror stories too, i hated that.

there is a forum called JOYOUS BIRTH - i think you will get positive support there.


i started going to monthly Homebirth meetings in my city, that was very positive (the downside was though, i was totally unprepared for what happened, when my homebrith turned into an emergency c-sction.)

I would say enjoy your pregnancy

Nurture the little one inside you

You are a mum NOW, even before baby is born

it's precious, that every day, that baby is growing and developing, so special.

Take the time to photograph your belly, and treasure the time you are pregnant.

Find support and keep going to that place.

all the best !

Sorry to hear that Gigi :(

My DPs Mum is the worst. While she is very excited and has told the world (even though we asked her not to!) she keeps telling us not to get excited and then proceeds to tell us about all her miscarriages and the baby she had who was born still. I've heard the story at least 20 times in the last 8 weeks.

It does make sense though that the horror stories come from a place of trauma for the Mamas who tell them. There's such silence around the impact of pregnancy and birth loss and trauma. The culture needs to change.

Pregnancy is different for each person, no pregnancy is the same. Make the most of your time being pg and enjoy the wonders of this beautiful little life growing from within. People can give you their horror stories, but your story can very well be different and so much more better than you could have imagined. Unfortunately there are so many women that do have complications thru out pg, and possibly labour but you must know that each person is different, different circumstances etc. Ignore these stories that upset you and get ready for the most wonderful experience of your life. Becoming a mother. All the horrible stories women have told may stick in your mind, but unfortunately they always seem to forget telling you that once it was all over they had the most precious gift anyone could ask for. A tiny little person, that is apart of them. Once that baby is born, you will see what a truly special moment that is.

You soon will have your own birth story to tell, and it will be wonderful....:hug: