In this day and age...

My DH is really terrific - he helps with everything related to DD - nappies, solids (well tries), all bathing and playing. He takes her for walks when I am tired and he also helps with some cleaning and lots of cooking. I am lucky - I know. He is also home most mornings as he does shift work so I know I am truly fortunate.

However, after being at mum's group today, I have learnt that many husbands/partners are NOT supportive - not even a lttle bit. Some of these poor mums have very little help and when they do get it, they still have to "pick up" after their partners because they leave such a mess when helping .ie. bathing their baby but then leaving every towel, nappy and piece of clothing lying around.

I just assumed that these days that was a rarity but obviously not - is anyone else suffering from a DH/partner who doesn't pull their weight? Of course I realise they have to work and provide for their family but still.. mums look after their bubs 24/7 and need a break too.

I am VERY grateful for my DH!

Yah but I've learnt to live with it.
DF will cook but won't clean as he goes. hence left with large kitchen mess.
Will not leave his clothes between the bed and the window, but they still dont make it to the laundry.
& does the same with nappy n clothe changing - ball gets left where it came off.

You've got a keeper there Jordie :)

To be honest, I don't think "luck" comes into it. I think it's fairly obvious when we're in a relationship whether our partner thinks that housework is a shared responsibility or "woman's work". It's natural that their general attitude to this will extend to childrearing too.

So, in a sense, I think that women who choose a partner who doesn't pull their weight kind of only have themselves to blame. I know that sounds harsh but we all choose who we want to be with and what's important.

My DH is pretty good. Not perfect but pretty good. Because that's the deal I made perfectly clear when we got together. I told him in no uncertain terms that I expected us to divide responsibilities regarding housework when we were both working full-time. And I told him not to EVER tell me that he did more than most men because I couldn't care less what "most men" do, I'm only interested in what he does.

And if he's not pulling his weight he gets an ear-bashing. Because I can't respect or let alone love a man who can't cook or clean or acts all helpless.

He does claim to "forget" when I've asked him not to leave stuff around which gets in my way - which is a bit more serious because I have a bad back and it HURTS to bend down and move his stuff out of the way so I can get to the pram. So yesterday morning at 6.30am while he was having a lie-in I "forgot" that walking around in stilletoes on our polished floorboards might be a tad annoying for him. Guess what, no stuff left around today.

I've adopted a policy of zero tolerance!

Yep I'm pretty lucky to usually, though it's not in DH nature to do stuff. I have to ask him to do it and be specific, VERY specific. If I say clean the kitchen he will wash up and that's it. I have to tell him to wash the dishes, clean the bench tops, sweep/mop the floor, bringing in the clothes is taking them off the line and dumping them unfolded on the lounge....He will occaisionally do something sponatneously, though usually to meet his own needs, like washing a load of clothes cause he wants a shirt that's there, not to be helpful to me!
But he is great with DD and looks after her for me when he has days off work. I get to sleep in, he feeds her (not usually my choice of diet, but she gets fed all the same), he takes her to the shop when he goes down to give me half an hours peace, he lets me sleep in the arvo if I need it, he takes her out if I want to clean the house in peace...so he's really great in that way.
I can't complain, though I often do! I don't think I'd cope if he wasn't so helpful....

I too am a lucky one who has a Dh who does 50% of the work.. The only gripe I have is he doesn't help as much with our youngest unless I say she needs a bath, change ect but in his defense when I am dealing with her he has 3 boys to take care of...

I dont think I would stand for it if my DH did not pull his weight lol. Parenting and family life is a shared responsibility and as such, we share everything!

Jo

Definitely not luck, Marc says he likes his testicles too much :) That and being able to unlock the front door with his own key ;) But in all seriousness, its what you put up with, how you communicate and how if you appreciate your partner for the things they do do chances are that will be payment enough for them to continue, we all like our egos to be stroked every now and again.

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I've adopted a policy of zero tolerance!

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LOL Fiona!! I guess that from growing up in a single mother household, I learnt that the man had better be good or you are better off without him! Fortunately for me I struck gold on my first try. I have always expected from the earliest days of our relationship that the domestic burden would be equally shared. Ok, so we have our areas that we each specialise in (based on our natural inclinations) but I agree in this day and age there is no excuse for a man who does not pull his weight on the home front - regardless of his partner's current employment status.

ETA I agree Cailin, that the appreciation does go a long way in maintaining enthusiasm - in both directions ;).

My Dh does a lot of the housework but that has more to do with his clean freak anxiety, and me not doing it well enough:p
He is hardly home though :( even on the weekends he is away from 7am till after 7pm helping his father out at his property....then some nights he leaves his dads early and goes to the pub on his way home, then he wonders why I am cranky with him.... I get no quality time with him at all, he dosn't even sleep with us (I co-sleep with Quinn) so some weeks I get to see him a total of oh 7-10 hours and none of it is Quality time if you know what I mean.

He did this to me (go to the pub on the way home) yesterday after I had only had 3 hours sleep the night before and Quinn only napped 1.5hours during the day, by the time he got home I was so emotional I asked him to leave.....he told me fine but I am taking Quinn because you obviously can't handle him :wtf: I have absolutely NO problems "handling" Quinn it's the lack of respect and support from him I can't handle.

Needless to say I am not speaking to him at the moment, he left this morning trying to be all lovey dovey but until I get an apology all he is getting is the cold shoulder.

Opps sorry didn't mean to turn that into a group counseling session it just hit a raw nerve.

Melissa

I've been blessed with my DH. He believes, as I do, that housework and child-rearing are joint responsibilities, and he would never expect me to be responsible for everything around the house, however ...

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ie. bathing their baby but then leaving every towel, nappy and piece of clothing lying around.

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.... this is something that he does and it drives me NUTS!!!!!!

oh i hear you

and sadly this is partly the reason my DH and i have recently seperated.

its sad but i just dont have the time to look after a 26 year old child. and he certinaly never appreicated me.

Yup I am one of the lucky ones here. My dp is absolutely great when it comes to stuff like that. He is always doing housework to help me out, bathing and feeding ava it's good. He even gives me a break every saturday morning he takes ava down to his mums house for a few hours to give me a chance to have a sleep in and a nice hot bubble bath. By time ava comes back im so relaxed and refreshed and I can't wait to see her it's great.

Beatrix and Eternal Bear - so sorry that it's that way for you. Honestly some men need a good kick up the a##$(#. Cherie LOL!! I think that is a man thing - my DH does it occasionally but I tell him off and he doesn't do it!! He's good though. Girls stickk up for yourselves and make it clear that there are joint responsibilities in the world!!

Note: I don't take out the bins though - that's a boy's job!! ha ha

gosh it is depressing that in 08 there are still people out there continuing the myth that woman should be responsible for all that is to do with the house. It certainly wouldn't fly here, lol. DH and i are equally responsible for all things that are kids and house. including emotional wellbeing of the whole family. assure these men that a vagina is not needed to do these chores just two strong hands and a wellingness to get the job done.
beckles

I'm the odd one out because I don't mind being a stepford wife of sorts. I prefer to do it my way (seriously it pains me to watch him put a nappy on) and sometimes I feel that if I do let DH do stuff or ask him to help around the house then he feels he has to do it 10 times better than me kwim? which makes me feel more than a little inadequate, which I can do without. But that said, we often work together when we have a huge spring clean and that type of thing, plus his deal is to take care of the yard.

But if I have a weekend away etc, then he will do stuff no worries at all, so its not like he flat refuses to do it at all.

Man. My DH is a chauvinist. He won't do anything considered a womans job! Nah, he's not that bad these days. He is shearing these days & working harder than he ever has before, But will usually do as asked. ASKED mind you. He will make a huge mess looking for something then I gotta clean it, but if he's home for a day & I say hang out the washing while I'm out. He usually will. I don't ask too much though!
He usually helps if I'm doing a big cleanout though. Won't do everyday house work. Sometimes if I go away for a couple days I will be surprised with a spotless house. Depends on how bored he was. LOL.

Was thinking of asking this question the other day..but in reverse. I guess i am one of the unlucky ones in this situation and i only fear its going to get tones worse. DP and i live in a two bedroom granny flat atm, so no its not a house and i know im lucky i dont have 4 or 5 rooms to clean, but it still gets me down.
DP says because he works 8 hours a day 5days a week, housework/caring for DS is my "work" and he wont have nothing of it. Doesnt even pick up after himself. I have to argue with him on his days off just to change DS nappy, or to take the garbage out. He will never offer to help.
It sadens me as im going to be taking care of two young children in a couple of months and i know im going to be begging him for help. Especially seeing as we are moving out into our own house.

Ok..better stop my rant now lol.

Simone

My DP is one of those men that says "i work all day and your at home all day doing nothing so why should i come home from work and continue when you should have done it throughout the day " WTF
so now i leave the vaccuming till he is watching his fav show at night and i will vac the whole house LOL and also wash the dishes and make sure i make noise... He ends up gettin da poops with it but i dont care anymore... Even when he lost his job and he was HOME all day he still refused to help with housework coz back then he was selling things on ebay and he said he had to do research on wat sells and wat doesnt...... hmmm i wish i could sit and do research on babies and toddlers on BB for 12 hours a day ... He cant put his diry clothes in da basket which i have placed on his side of the bed right where he gets undressed. a few months ago i didnt wash anything dat wasnt in da baskit and he got da poops coz he didnt have nay clean undies on morning for work my reply was i havent washed any as there hasnt been any in da washing basket he just replied with oh ur a smarta*se arent you..... but he still refuses to place clothes in da basket

MEN

I hate it when DH does the housework! I'd rather he took DS out and let me do it. I am very uncomfortable with him doing more than putting clothes in the washbin, cleaning the loo, the gardening (all of it) and the dishwasher. I really hate him vacuuming, although he is so meticulous it is quite nice when he's finished, but I still don't like it. I do all the cooking, pretty much, so can't complain there. He just helps out with the roasts and stuff.

He does know and tells me that when DS is around that's my job (or his if it's his turn or I'm not around - but DS is a full time "job" without chores thrown in) and he can do housework. Well, yesssss, but I'd rather he took DS out and I did it! That's since he started having DS when I was at work though, before he thought it was easy and a holiday! Now he's a cloth nappy addict, talks poo and nap-times, cleans like a dervish... and spends hours a day on warcrack. At least it shows I can raise a child, it has only taken me eight years to train DH up like this and DS is already loading and unloading the dishwasher so it looks like I've got the hang of this childrearing!

I too am one of those who gets very little help. Dh cooks every night, but only because he has a very restricted diet. I do everything else pretty much. I pick up after the kids, him and I even find time usually to split the firewood for the night and take out the rubbish. I change bums, feed, etc. I seriously hate the fact that my house looks messy most of the time because I just don't have ten hands and I have two toddlers and a lil bub. I will step forward and say I had no idea Dh was like this before I married him. He always did most of the housework when we met and even when I moved in with him before we got married. Then I left work when I was 20+ wks preg with Kat (was doing too much heavy lifting etc) and he changed. I have the "Luxury" of being home during the day. And if I want him to do the housework, we can't go out on the weekend. I am stuck with three kids, not doing much outside the house, the weekends are the times I look forward to going out. So I just do the housework so things run smoother and we can do what we want on the weekends. I love my Dh and I love my kids. But sometimes I don't love my life. I feel like a slave to them all at times. But the happy times with them makes up for it all and now the girls can do a lot of stuff themselves, It's slowly getting better. Sometimes I feel I'd be better off without him, and in many ways I would. Even financially. But he does take some of the stress from me by playing with the kids for 15 mins or holding and keeping bry from screaming the house down long enough for me to get the bottle ready. I love seeing the bond between the kids and him. Even Bry looks at him with such love and adoration, I'd feel horrible taking them away from him.
He's stopped the putting me down and he's trying more with the kids etc. So I am happier than I was a few months ago when I was looking at leaving and getting advice etc.

At first I was really worried with the fact that DH works from home & we have a fairly small house- I was concerned that DS & I would annoy him/ bother him/ take his mind off his work (which we do sometimes:p)

But, it has in fact been a real blessing. DH gets to see EXACTLY what it is like to have to care for a baby 24/7. He realises how difficult it is somedays to get dinner cooked, nappies and clothes washed, house cleaned etc & still make sure the little one's needs are met. I couldn't ask for a more supportive and caring husband! He's always been pretty good but I really feel that because he gets to see how demanding being a mum is he has much more respect for me than if he went to work all day from 9 to 5 & then arrived home to a house that looks like a bomb hit it! :D He always tells me that I am doing a great job and now actually asks me if there is anything he can do to help me!!!!

Having said all of that, my attitude to housework has COMPLETELY relaxed. I am just too tired to be bothered with a spick and span house anymore. DH is always willing to clean up in the evenings but I would much rather spend some quality time with him before my bed time (9.30pm!!!). Housework can wait!

This is definitely an issue most have something to say about.
I have to admit, my attitude towards my DH can change from one day to the next. He's generally pretty good. But he can also be very insensitive and unappreciative at times.
I consider myself a SAHM. but I am not really. Since DD was 7 months old, I have been going to work 1 day/week (we run our own business) and from day one, I have been woring from home a bit. I thought this would be easy. Boy was i wrong. I had no idea how much work a baby can be. Especially if you're into AP and have a "clingy" baby. I do consider the bulk of childrearing and housework as my job. Just like the bulk of our business is DH's job. But in the evenings, when he gets homw, the least he can do is keep DD amused so I can cook our dinner. And while I do her bed time routine, I don't consider it too much to ask, when I ask him to stack the dishwasher. He will ALWAYS do it if I ask him to. But he wouldn't think of it himself. In the mornings he now sometimes even empties the dishwasher. Which I love. Cause i cant do that while DD is awake, she just tries to climb into it. :D Lawn mowing is his job, too. And in the early days, walking the dog was, too. But now I usually take the dog and DD to the park during the day.
DH wasn't always this helpful. But a few months ago, DH was in charge of DD for a whole day (I can't remember what I was doing, probably the BAS) and then again the next morning. He realised how much work looking after her really was. He absolutely loved spending time with her. But he realised how little time he had to do any of the household chores. He had planned to clean the kitchen and vaccuum, but didn't get any of that done.
So I guess, I am pretty lucky. And I shouldn't nag... but sometimes it does get all too much and he's the only one I can ask for help, so I do nag him to do a little more... But he also gets up to go to work at 5:30am some days, and some days he doesn't get home til 8pm. And just like I only have 24 hours in a day, so does he.
I do really try to appreciate what he does and make a big fuss. like when he empties the dishwasher and takes out the rubbish in the morning, I often call him at work to thank him and tell him how much that made my morning easier. I know I like to be appreciated, so does he.

For Mother's Day, he got into trouble because he hadn't seen the need to get me anything ("Hey, you're not my mother, and Maya is too young to know what's going on anyway") But then he got me a card that read: Being a mum is aways easy, fun and carefree - no, wait, that's being a dad" I loved that.

Sasa

I have an awesome DH. We share everything. We both work 50% (well more but the rest we do at night when DS is asleep). and look after DS 50%. He cooks, I wash the dishes. We both share the rest of the stuff. It works really well for us as we both get to spend time with our son, and have some 'adult' (work) time as well and we share the things we both hate.
Whenever someone tells me that I am lucky, I tell them that I credit my intelligence for choosing DH. lol. But seriously, it is great that he just sees it as normal and not something he is doing to 'help' me.

I agree that "luck has nothing to do with it" and that we choose the type of man we want in our lives or what is in our comfort zone (what our own fathers were like)... sometimes it's not a conscience decision but it's there, in the back of our minds when we make a choice to settle down with someone I think.

Fiona: well said darl :clap: Just need to spread a little love and I'll come back to that post of yours! LOL

I'm not lucky or fortunate to have a man who accepts that if there is work to be done at home (be it looking after the kids or cleaning etc) he will roll up his sleeve and just do it and do it well. I'm not lucky because I knew he would be this way the moment I first laid eyes on him! :cryinglaugh: The moment we met he was ironing his hankies! No joke. Then for the year that we were platonic friends (before we got involved) I saw him cook many meals, vacuum, hang out washing, put away clutter, deal with pooey cat litters without a fuss and express a preference for a basic level of tidyness... not perfection, just environments that you wouldn't be ashamed to have people visit at a moments notice. This wasn't done to impress me. He didn't know that he was going to meet me the night he was ironing those hankies! It's just how he is. A normal, well adjusted individual that takes responsibilty for the mess he and his children and even I make. But he wasn't raised that way... he was largely self taught bless him!

I've been a SAHM for the last 5 years. My DH works in a very demanding management role in the finance industry... which is basically done at a desk. He freely admits that he is often tired when he comes home but that house work is not tiring because he often feels the need to do a bit of excercise anyhow (his favourite is hanging out the washing). Sometimes he stuffs up a bit and leaves a dirty nappy lying around after a change... but it generally doesn't bother me... i tell him about it, he apologises, we move on.

Great thread Jordie.

(Double post)