How do you get through it?

We're not even a week from my little NIkitas passing and I am wondering how on earth I am going to get through this.

I cannot help feel responsible for her death even though logic tells me there was nothing I could have done.

I feel ashamed that I am already pre occupied with thoughts about what will happen "next time"

I enjoy the physical pain from my caesarean and my very full breasts as it takes away from my emotional pain.

I can't seem to face the outside world and have stayed in dorrs since we came home on Tuesday. I can't take phone calls or stand to be around anyone except my husband.

How do I go back to work and when, when do I take the first step of going back to some sort of a normal life, how do you know when its time?

We're meeting with the funeral man today, what can you say about a baby who was here for a week only.

I never want to go through this again but know I don't have any control over it. I just want my little girl back and to hold her alive in my arms, feel her little heart beating and breathing against my chest.

Everything hurts soo much
:(

nae i dont think were designed to ever get over something like this, nor should you feel you have to, you need to take all the time YOU need to gather your thoughts and emotions.

my bestie lost her DS during birth 8 weeks prior to my DD been born, ive never felt as low as i did the day he died, i held him, touched his face, smelt his smell, memories i will always treasure.
as for his funeral it was the most emotional thing i have been too (crying writting this) but of so beautiful, the celebrant talked of mums pregnancy, dreams they had for their little boy, she read a book 'guess how much i love you' played some songs close to hearts. at the end they released balloons.

they had his hand and foots castings done, lock of hair cut, heaps of photos that they display with pride and love.

hope this helps and your in my thoughts

Oh Nae, I am so very very sorry to hear of the passing of your sweet baby Nikita.

Huge hugs for you sweety. :hug:

Oh Nae I am so dearly sorry for your loss :( :( :( It's just not fair. Please don't hold yourself responsible though. It is NOT your fault. Sending you lots of strength to get through the time ahead of you and I will be thinking of you :hug:

Rest in peace Nikita Louise.

Dearest NaeNae,

My deepest sympathy for losing your baby girl, there is no greater pain and sorrow in this life than what you are going through. All I can say is just let those tears flow on and on, and forget about the rest of the world for the time being, in fact for as long as it takes. :hug:

I totally understand that you might feel somehow responsible, I think as a mother you never lose that. And you are a MUM and will aways be.

There are lots a lovely ways to honour her life, and to keep her close to your heart, many of which have been listed on this site, i'm sure someone can point you in the right direction. But I particularly like getting a special piece of jewellery with her birthstone on it, and I planted a memorial garden for my 2 angels with my favourite trees and flowers. It's not huge and it will take years to grow, but I walk into it every day and think of them.

I hope you get lots of love and support here

You will be in my thoughts dear friend,:hug:

I am very sorry to hear of Nikita's passing. :hug: This a very emotional time for you and your family. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't worry about things like when you should go back to work etc, just try and get through each day.
You've got some good ideas from AJP and mj-mummy.
I wish you all the best with everything and I hope you have a beautiful funeral for your little girl. I'll be thinking of you.

Nae,

I am so so sorry. I was in a similar position not so long ago and it is such a horrible place to be. You will somehow manage to survive the funeral - although it probably feels that right now you will never get through.

I'm still only finding my feet in the outside world and I wish I could offer some advice but there are others here who are further on down the track who will be able to provide you with the reassurance that things do get better.

Its easy to say don't feel ashamed about how you feel, but your emotions and feelings cannot be helped and whatever helps you cope or get through this period cannot be judged. It is natural to feel somehow responsible for what happened, even if logic knows otherwise, but try to reassure yourself that this was out of your control - I'm sure that if you had any power to change what has happened, you would.

Please let us know how you are going - you will be in my thoughts!!

Danek

Dear Nae Nae

I am very sorry that your precious Nikita has flown to heaven. I know exactly how you are feeling and I promise you that you will get through this. Be kind to yourself and let your feelings guide you. Don't see anyone but your DH if that's what you want to do - that's certainly what I was like.

Have the service for her and celebrate the time you did have with her and all the wonderful things you and DH shared with Nikita as her mummy and daddy. I didn't want to have a service for my Hamish at all but now I'm glad I did as I wanted our families and close friends to recognise that he was born and he was here even though it was only for a short time.

I went back to work only 2wks after we lost Hamish but I didn't have a caesarean which takes longer to recover from. I found it really helped me to be back to a 'normal' routine as life didn't seem so bleak and endless and pointless.

Of course you want your darling little girl back, and although you can't physically hold her anymore, you can hold her memory in your heart and feel her heartbeat in yours.

Big hugs to you!

Nae Nae - you get over it one day at a time. And then you realise you are never really over it - it just becomes easier to face the day and function. Eventually you live again. One day you will laugh and smile. It just takes time - and for each of us that amount of time is different.

I didn't have a c-section but I took my full allowance of maternity leave (public service is 14 weeks). I couldn't have faced going back to work before then. I needed the opportunity to cry when I wanted to and stay in bed all day if I felt that is what I wanted to do. I faced the world slowly. When I felt I could face the (seemingly) thousands of pregnant women and babies who crossed my path. I ended up going back to work after Caitlyn's due date had passed. I needed to spend that time (and particularly the day and the weeks leading up to it) at home.

I also felt a perverse pleasure in my milk coming in. To me it meant that at least some part of me worked properly even if I couldn't grow my baby. As for the funeral - we had a lovely service with just our immediate family. The religious focus was soothing for me even though I had so much anger for why it happened and what sort of God allowed this.

Don't feel guilty about thinking about the next time. It is normal and natural to want the baby you were planning but it is also normal to want to try again. When that is is different for everyone but for me - I wanted to try again immediately. I wanted a baby. I had lost my little girl and I was grieving for her but it didn't take away the desire for a child. Your only concern will be the physical recovery from the c-section and what the recommendation from your OB is.

Men and women grieve differently so don't be surprised if you feel that DH has *got over it* and you are still way behind. It doesn't mean he has - he is just processing it in his way and that is ok too. Use those of us who have walked a similar path to vent to and bounce off. Be gentle with yourself and remember - you are a mummy to a very special little girl who will always be with you.

Oh Nae. I am so so sorry your baby was taken from you. My heart dropped when i saw your post.
Do what ever it is you feel you need, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

oh, nae, i am so sorry for your loss. i wish i could offer you something other than my tears for your pain, but i know they are all i can offer. take your time with grief, yours is so new. do only what you can, and don't push yourself to get out and do more. you will know what is right. be good to yourself now and it will help later. the emotions of grief at losing a child are so preverse -- anger, jealousy, depression, fear -- sometimes all at the same time. just let these emotions run their course, and don't let anyone else try to stop you from allowing your pain. we had a funeral for our sweet Yeti, and it was horrible and yet so helpful. i found lovely poems for friends and relatives to read, and songs to be sung that had special meaning. it was short, but it helped to have everyone there to see that we accepted Yeti as a complete part of our lives, not someone to forget. big hugs to you, my dear for you and Nikita.

Dear NaeNae,
I'm so desperately sad to hear about darling Nikita's passing. I really have no words to say to you that could possibly help. When we lost our first baby bubble my SIL sent me a book (she had a baby boy that was born sleeping at 37 weeks), and it helped my sort out my head. It's called "Help Comfort & Hope" by Hannah Lothrop ISBN 1 86204 379 5.
Take care and be kind to yourself.

i'm so so sorry nae nae
my heart just sank when i read about little nikita
we're all here for you in any way we can be, thinking of you and your family xox

I saw your notice in the Births section of the paper the other day. It was a lovely notice.

You can take faith and hope in the knowledge that you did everything you possibly could for little Nikita. She will always be a part of you and will be looking over you, DH and your children who are not yet here.

Caesarians are not easy to recover from, and I found six weeks was really the limit before I began to feel physically normal again. Emotionally, however, it took a lot longer to recover. One day at a time. As was said in Nemo... just keep swimming. Know that there are many, many others out there who are praying for you and who care deeply about you and how you are feeling.

I will say a special prayer for little Nikita on Thursday. THinking of you.

Dear Nea Nea,

First of all i would like to say how sorry i am times like these are awful, i know how your feeling cos i lost my 10 week old baby begining of this year. The pregnancy was shocking all way through then i gave birth 8 weeks early to a beautiful baby boy. 10 weeks after that i lossed him, my heart aches everyday and i cry most days away, me and my hubby live in the cemetrey cos thats all we know, im not going to say it gets easier cos it doesnt but i do think you just deal with it everyday. Anyway im here if you ever want to talk to me

Take care hun :hug:

Hopefully well chat soon HUGS XX :(

Naenae, what you are feeling is so totally normal. I wish I could tell you there is an easy way to get through the pain and suffering of losing a child but there isn't. You just need to take one day, one step at a time.

I think for any mother that loses a child they automatically blame themselves regardless of logic. I blamed myself for Cooper's death and still do today, there is nothing that I could have done to save him but my body failed him, so I failed him.

Do not feel ashamed for already thinking of 'next time'. This is normal and only natural to think this. Physical pain is a lot easier to deal with than the emotional pain. I didn't have a c/s with Cooper but I had a very sore back from the epi. My mum kept reminding me that I was recovering from a birth as well as grieving but to me the physical pain was nothing. I have now had a c/s and can say that the pain from that is nothing compared to the pain that eats away at your heart when you lose a child.

Grieving is different for everyone and there is no set time as to when you need to step outside. For me it was months, I couldn't face the outside world that was still moving forward when I couldn't. I couldn't bear to see other babies and pregnant women. I didn't go back to work for 7 months and only then I went back part time so that I could still have my time to grieve. One day you will realise that it is time but don't push yourself to fast too soon. And remember that men and women grieve so differently. Your DH may not show his emotions as much as you but that doesn't mean that he isn't grieving still, they just have a different way of coping.

For the funeral we played songs and had poems read and we spoke about all our hopes and dreams that we had for Cooper. It will be the most difficult day and it may feel like an out of body experience.........I know for me it did - it was something that I coudn't believe I was doing.

I just wish that I could give you your little girl back so that you don't have to live the life of a grieving mother and to feel the pain in your heart with every beat that it makes. I hope that you can somehow find some strength to get through the funeral.

At the moment it will feel like you don't know how to breathe, or talk, or move forward......with each day you will gain a little bit more strength. Surround yourself with people that can support you and understand what you are going through and one day you will be able to smile through the pain. The pain doesn't go away, you will just learn how to live with it :hug:

With understanding and hugs
Lynn
xxxxxxxxx

Thanks all,

I cannot believe it has been a whole week today, the time has gone by but I feel so frozen in time IYKWIM.

In some strange way I feel comofrted knowing I am not alone in this grief. Knowing other mums out there have felt the way I do makes it a little less isolating. I know Chris is hurting badly but he cannot understand the full extent that I do, afterall I grew Nikita.

I cannot bring myself to moving away from the house or to have a verbal conversation with anyone. I am a complete mess and have to somehow pull myself together to face family and friends on Thursday.

Today We wrote her eulogy, it seems so blah but we cannot seem to put into words the way Niki touched our hearts and how she impacted our lives.

I am sorry for everyone who has been through this, what an awful and completely devasting thing to go through. Isn't it incredible how you can feel so much love for someone then have it ripped away from you in a flash.

I get so cross when I think of all those "unwanted" babies. If only those women having them realised what a precious gift having a child is.

Thanks Trish for sending that link. The staff at the Royal womens did a fantastic job in taking a few sweet photo's of Niki once all her tubes were removed.


Thanks everyone for all yuor words and for letting me blab on if only I could do more than cyber hug each of you :hug: I will be contacting SANDS on friday and hopefully start looking for groups in my local area. Its hard because I cannot drive for another 4 weeks but maybe Chris will want to come.

Love to all

Nae x

Daddy please dont look so sad, Mummy please don't cry.

Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God. Dont think he is unkind. Dont think he sent me to you, and then he changed his mind

You see, I am a special child and I'm needed up above.

I am the special gift you gave him the product of our love.

I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night, Find the brightest star thats gleaming, thats my Halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.

Thats me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze, from a gentle wind that blows, thats me I'll be there planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug, Thats me, I'll be giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy please dont look so sad. Mummy dont you cry.

I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.



Just wanted to say how sorry I am NaeNae. :hug::hug::hug:

Nae,

Thinking of you today :hug: It is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.............it will feel like a blur, it will feel surreal, it will feel heartbreaking - no-one should ever have to bury their child...........I'm sorry. :hug:

also thinking of you and your family today nae :hug:

Thinking of you and your family today and in the coming weeks Nae Nae

Thinking of you and your family today.

Thinking of you & sending our love today Nae.

Nae,
My heart goes out to you. :hug::hug::hug: Take time to grieve and be kind to your self you have been through hell.

Melham - the poem is beautiful.

Take care
Chris

:hug: Thank you ladies,

so very very much.

Yesterday was indeed a very difficult day. It was honestly just what I needed though.

There was a nice intimate sized gathering, and some people who I never expected to come did and others I thought would be there weren't. Its a true testiment to who really holds you dear (exceptions made to those who couldn't come for various reasons).

Nikitas service flew by, and yet seemed to drag on. I absolutely "lost it" when Chris and I walked into the Church (side door entrance before the service because I would never have handled all those people without a good cry) I sobbed the whole way through the service. Chris delivered the Eulogy really well and only came close to tears right at the end where we had written a special note to Niki.

I don't know much about churches, I only go to them for Funerals or Marriages (I hate them for this very reason) but where Nikita's ashes were put, through the entire service the sun shone through a lead light window and beautiful colours where on the little wooden box. It was so beautiful. I wonder if they are built with this type of thing in mind.

We scattered her ashes here at home between two very old blue gums that were planted in memory of first generation and we will plant another blue gum in memory of 6th generation in between. We'll also be building a small memorial garden here at home in our back yard abd a little plaque will be popped next to @nd Generations head stone in an old cemetry close by.

Melham Thank you so so much for that beautiful poem. Not being a religious person I was having great difficulties with the suggestions of versus from the bible to be used for the service, there were none that seemed to be for babies or children. I burst into tears when I read that (literally right at the last minute before finalising details for yesterday) and insisted that it be read. I hope you don't mind me using it. It was the one time through the whole service that I heard other people crying.

After yesterday, I feel surprisingly calm. Still sad but my little girl is home now and the farm feels different. The old house was full of people yesterday and when they left it was like th eold house and all the ancestors were here and hiving us a hug.

I will post Nikita's Eulogy for others to read, hopefully it will offer some comfort to those who have also lost their children or help others write their own.

Thanks again

Nae x :)

Nae, you are amazing :hug:

I'm so glad you feel some sort of a sense of calm now that your little girl is at home with you.

Thinking of you and your family in the coming weeks...

Nae - I am so very very sorry for your loss. It is never easy. I too cried when I read Metham's poem. It is very beautiful. I am sorry you have had to go thru such a heartbreaking time. Give yourself time to grieve, and it is so very normal feeling the way you do. Time is what is needed to help mend your broken heart.
So sorry I havent come on earlier..... Lots of :hug:

Nae I am so sorry for your loss.

:hug:

:hug::hug::hug: Dear Nae, thinking of you:hug::hug::hug:

Nae, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Its now been one month since Nikita became an angel.

Admittedly I still find myself close to tears most days, and this feeling of weight is constantly on my chest but I have found a few things help. I light a candle most days and hubby and I are still doing her memorial garden. I have compiled a book with all her cards in it, both Birth and Death.

We have set her urn up in our living room with a couple of her smaller toys a lion for her strength and a horse for her free spirit, a little picture of her with Dads wedding band on and her Kiva teddy that we got her when we were in the NICU dept at the womens hospital. Its a nice spot, not so obvious when you enter the room but part of the place where we sit and eat, watch tv etc.

We try to find the blessings in losing Niki and there are so many, it has brought DH and I closer together than we ever have been. Its brought our families closer. Nikita may have had so many problems that her "quality" of life may not have been high.

Still, no amount of positive thinking takes the longing for my baby away, the process of finalising everything is long and drawn out. We are still waiting for information on getting a plaque to go on the grave of her great great great grandparents site, and paying all the bills relating to her funeral. We are still chasing a fancy birth certificate from BDM. Trying to find the positives when dealing with all this stuff is challenging but it does help ease the intensity of it all.

I hope others who may read this try to look for the positives no matter how hard it is even on the darkest days. They are there and they will comfort you and help you move through each day.

Nae x

Oh Nae. I am so sad for you hun, but so very proud of you too. You are such a strong person and a real inspiration to others. As you know, we are all here for you, praying for you, thinking of you, crying with you.

I am sure that things will get easier for you over time. Your little girl with always be in your heart, guiding you through the tough times.

Please take care hun.

NaeNae,

I am so sorry. :hug: