Nikita Louise 25/05-02/06 2008
How do you write a eulogy about your child and capture the rich tapestry of emotions that only a grieving parent can feel. How do we share with you those wonderful highs that a proud parent feels with every milestone reached and the deepest despair felt watching as your child becomes gravely ill.
Though Nikita?s life was so short, she had an amazing ability to make each day special, she would draw out every possible emotion within you and further etch herself into your heart and soul.
Sunday May 25th. Her arrival into this world was a grand statement within itself. She had decided it was time and had started ?burrowing? her way out hands and feet first. The only safe passage into the outside world was via emergency caesarean. Her arrival marked with a very small cry. She amazed the Drs and Nurses with perfect Apgar scores 8/8 and though16 weeks early, our tiny 577gm baby girl was as strong and healthy as she could be.
No one could prepare Naomi and I for that overwhelming feeling of love, pride and joy that a new parent feels seeing our daughter for the first time being taken from the womb. Perfectly formed and incredibly dainty. Then the realization of how little she is and how early she had arrived settles in and with it came great fear and uncertainty.
Monday, was the first opportunity Naomi and I had to be with our daughter together. She was beautiful: her tiny body was no longer than this teddy (hold up Keva Bear). Sitting next to her watching every breath, every movement, time seemed to stand still. The first touch, what a wonderful experience knowing that she knew our voices and responded to us. She would reach out and take hold of your finger with her tiny hand, this one day old baby still with her eyes fused shut. An incredible experience, how could something so small and fragile be so strong with a touch so powerful. We laughed at the way she would frown like her father when she was handled and the way she would squirm and try to kick and push away the nurses when they needed to do things with her tubes.
Tuesday, she took her first feed. A tiny 1ml fed every 2 hours at first through a tube going directly into her stomach. We were constantly by her bedside. When we couldn?t be with her we called to check on her. The advantage for Naomi still being in the hospital meant that when she woke up at 3am se could go up and see Nikita. The early morning was the best time in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. It was a lot quieter which enabled her to do more hands on things. The difficulties of manoeuvring inside the humidity crib, with all the wires and tubes seemed to disappear. Without fear of Nikita?s size, Naomi took Nikita?s temperature, fed her, gave her a sponge bath and changed her nappy. Her nappy, the smallest ?normal? nappy placed under her the way a baby would wear it was like an oversized sleeping bag. It covered her entire body. Even these nappies (hold up the tiny nappy) that are especially designed for premature babies were far too big for our little girl.
Wednesday, Nikita decided it was time to open her eyes for the first time. This was a magical moment for Naomi, watching as the fused eyes of her daughter split open slowly. The expressions on Nikita?s face trying with all her might to open those eyes are priceless. An experience only a parent of an extreme premature baby could know as most babies go through this in the womb. Even though Nikita could not focus and see the way we do, when she heard her mums voice she ?looked? in her direction.
Thursday saw her first bowel movement. Not something that would normally be talked about or marked for a momentous occasion but for a premature baby it?s a good sign that her system has started to work. And who do you think got to change bubs first dirty nappy? Dad (me). Having to handle such a tiny baby was frightening enough, its scary having to pick her up let alone clean girl bits for the first time as well. The nurses helped instruct me and we got the job done without too much protest from Nikita.
By Friday her skin had gone from a rich red colour that was sticky to touch to a soft pink that was smooth and soft to ouch. Her dark hair was so soft and shiny. She seemed to have grown in length a little as well and every day she seemed stronger and healthier. No more need for the UV lights, and her breathing had improved. So many seemingly small milestones were reached. We were so proud of our little girl.
Saturday we could not believe how lucky we had been to have had such a great week. We knew there would be a long road ahead and were planning to sit down with the Drs to discuss what stage Nikita was up to and where we could go from this point.
Sunday our world was turned upside down. Through the day Nikita was very still and not quite her usual self. In the evening we discovered she had developed a horrible infection in her bowels. Of all the things that a premmie baby could get, Nikita had the hardest one to treat. The Drs had her tiny body dosed high on antibiotics to try to fight the infection; she had a blood transfusion and was given morphine to ease any pain. Our little girl was gravely ill.
It was a long night of waiting and hoping but come Monday the situation was critical. The infection had escaped her bowels and turned her body septic, our precious daughter lost her battle and died.
We wanted to share with each of you here today, the story of Nikita?s life. It?s just a small glimpse into a window of time that has been both our saddest and most treasured.
Nothing in life prepares you for the death of your child. The depth and intensity of the pain you feel is experienced by few, and is unlike anything that can be expressed in words. Yet somehow, the sadness is eased by the powerful feelings of love that only a parent can have for their child. We feel blessed to have been given a week with Nikita, to get to know her personality, to watch her grow and develop.
We feel fortunate that her time was shared with some of our family and friends. Nikita got to meet her grandparents Jenny and Graham, Janet and Ivan and her great grandmother Nancy. Her Uncles and Aunts Brendan and Jess, Hannah, Bruce and Paula, and she met two of her cousins Jess and Kate. She also got to meet her mum and dads dear friends Nell, Andrew and Sarah. We know that Nikita also touched the lives of the friends and family members who didn?t get the chance to meet her; she even touched the lives of people that are not a direct part of ours. What an amazing child.
We are and always will be grateful for all the assistance and support given to us by the Drs, Nurses and Midwives from both the Warragul Hospital and the Royal Women?s Hospital. We can never thank enough the specialists and staff from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Without all of them we may never have known Nikita at all.
To Our Dear Little Nikita,
Your name will be forever written in the book that is the Staben/Robb legacy. Thank you for bringing so much love and joy into this world. You have touched the lives and captivated the hearts of all who have known you. Our beautiful daughter we love you so very much, you will always be a part of our lives and your memory will live in our hearts forever.
With love always
Mum and Dad
Cooper - 28 November 2006
Naenae, what you wrote was truly beautiful. Thank you for starting this thread. :hug:
Tiffanny, so touching :hug:
