Tyler Lee passed 11.06.08 Born 12.06.08 ***A Time to Reflect***
Hi
I haven't posted on BB for a long time but I wanted to share my story with you that I wrote on Sunday.
Before we conceived Tyler we already had a beautiful boy called Brodie. After 26 months of trying to conceive?..2 laparoscopies, months of clomid, and 2 IVF cycles we finally became pregnant with our son Brodie. We had 2 embryos implanted and they both took we were thrilled but we lost one at about 7 weeks. About 6 weeks after Brodie was born I had an operation to remove grade 2-3 pre cancerous cells and once again to get my endometriosis removed. We decided when my period returned that we would try and give Brodie a brother or sister. We thought it could take a long time to conceive again but we conceived the first month of trying it was so surreal. I wrapped up the home pregnancy test and gave it to Brodie when Daddy came home. When Daddy unwrapped it he said ?really? and I said ?yep? and he said ?really?. This was a miracle to us that we were pregnant naturally and it because it happened so quickly.
The pregnancy was much the same as it was with Brodie. I had morning sickness which lasted til about 14 weeks and from then it was smooth sailing until Brodies birthday. It was June 10th at about 7.30pm and I thought I really haven?t felt Tyler move much today or even if I had felt him move. I thought must have been too busy with Brodie. So I drank an apple blackcurrant juice with lots of ice and ate some ice and waited. Ten minutes went past and nothing so I called my hospital and I was told to wait another 30 minutes have another drink and call back. So I had another drink and more ice and still there was no movement. I called the hospital and they said come in and we will monitor you. At this stage I didn?t feel worried. Got to the hospital and they put the monitor and there was the sound of his heartbeat???.relief ran through my body. They monitored me for another 15-20 minutes and faxed the trace sheet to my obs as the heart rate was a little up and down. My ob asked that I be traced again the heartbeat started to even out and they were happy for me to go home but I had to come back in the morning for another trace. On my drive home I felt Tyler kick for the first time that night??..I never thought that would be the last time I would feel him move. I got home and went to sleep.
The next morning I didn?t feel him move I still thought to myself everthings alright I heard his heartbeat last night. Kissed Brodie and Daddy goodbye and went to the hospital. Got settled into the room and they put the monitor on and nothing moved it again and nothing?..moved me onto the bed still nothing. I am thinking to myself this can?t be happening he must be hiding. They then got out the handeld Doppler and nothing. All they could pick up was my heartbeat. I knew when they said we are concerned and we are getting my Ob to come that it wasn?t good. When my Ob came in he again tried to find the heartbeat and nothing. He said this is not looking good. We are organising a scan. I called my husband and had to tell him to come in because they could not find a heartbeat. Waiting for the ultrasound was horrendous I knew in my heart that Tyler had passed but I didn?t believe it. I was taken in to the ultrasound room my Ob was there as well because if there was a low heartbeat I was going straight to theatre but obviously that wasn?t going to be the case. I couldn?t look at the screen I covered my eyes with my arm and I heard the words Jade I?m sorry. My world came crashing down around me I only heard his heartbeat like 12 hours ago. Brad and I were left in the room and we held each tight and cried. We were taken back to the room where we had to discuss with my Ob the ultrasound and the next steps. I decided to have a normal delivery because after a c/s I would have to stay in hospital for a couple of days.
We went home I just felt numb I would stop myself when I was touching my belly I just couldn?t rub it like I used to Tyler was in there and he was dead. I was constantly getting Braxton hicks contractions which was just making it worse. I was getting induced the next morning. I was dreading going to the hospital. All I could think of was how can I go through labour and birth and not have a baby that I can take home with me. I didn?t sleep well that night at all.
We arrive at the hospital the next morning and I am a complete wreck. I get dressed into my gown and we head to the delivery suite. The anesthesiologist comes and puts my IV in and my epidural. My ob comes in and gives me the tablets to try and start things moving he broke my waters and they were clear no sign of meconium. The epidural has numbed my right side and not so much my left side. He comes back after a couple of hours and not much has changed so they start me on the drip. The contractions really started moving after that. This made me more upset?.I knew that Tyler would be coming soon.. The pain was getting more and more intense they topped up the epidural but it wasn?t working to well. My midwife asked are you feeling pressure? I said no but the pain is really intense. She checked me and Tylers head was there. I howled and howled I knew we were coming to the end. They gave me the gas but it was so hard trying to breathe the gas and cry at the same time. Finally my Ob came in and it was time to deliver my darling Tyler. When he was delivered at 2.25pm I howled when they put his lifeless body on my belly. He looked just like Brodie. My husband and I just cried and cried. The cord was wrapped around his neck and there was a knot in his cord. At least we knew why he had died the last thing I wanted was a post mortem for my Tyler. We held him and took photos. We went back to our room while our midvives took hand and foot prints. I was thinking to myself the last thing I wanted to do was come to the hospital today but now I don?t want to leave I don?t want to leave Tyler he should be coming home with us. I didn?t want tobin brothers coming to get him while we were still there. I kissed him goodbye and told him that mummy loves you.
The pain is just so unbearable I think sometimes no this is just not happening, how could this be happening, why did it happen to us, why why why. I want this pain to end and end now. I just can?t take feeling like this I want to feel normal.
We went out and bought Tyler an outfit to wear and a teddy this was heartbreaking. We are going to see Tyler today which kind of comforts me because he is still here I don?t know how I am going to get through the funeral on Tuesday or how I am going to get through this at all. I am just lost and don?t know what to do. I just want Tyler back and the pain to be gone but I know that can?t happen and that?s the hardest to comes to terms with. I just want to feel normal again. This is the reading I will be saying at his funeral if I feel strong enough to.
I lay in bed and try to sleep
But all I do is cry and weep.
I wish to hold you close and near
But all I feel is emptiness and fear.
I try to pretend you never left
But I can?t ignore this heart so bereft.
How will I survive this pain so deep?
All I want is to fall in a heap.
Tyler you are so missed
I wish I could give you one last kiss.
One day I?ll hold you near my heart
Until then we will remain apart.
I?ll think of you every single day
Till we?re together again I?ll hope and pray.
Tyler my gorgeous boy you will be forever in my heart and thoughts. Mummy will never forget you. Know that Mummy loves you so much and gives you lots of kisses and cuddles everyday and we will meet again some day.. Until we meet again rest in peace xxoo
