People present at the birth and afterawrds

I'm not very much pregnant yet but I have been thinking about how I might want to deal with people when it comes to the birth and afterwards.

I am having feelings about not having anyone there at all except my husband for the first 24 hours.

There are some people in my family who are likely to feel extremely put out by this request - but I feel that it is important for me to regain myself after the experience of birthing the baby and to have that forst 24 hours of quiet time without being visited by 100 people on the first day.

Do you think that if I asked my family not to come for 24 hours it would be too much?

i think that I just want to set the ground rules now so that there isn't anyone thinking they will get to be there for the birth when they wont be.

hun... its YOUR baby and YOUR decision. im only having DP with me right through labour and birth as i think its something we should experience together not my whole family. My mum and DP's parents will be called when i go into labour and we have told them they are more than welcome to wait in the waiting room until bub is here. That is after i have a shower..have my first breastfeed etc. If they dont want to stay thats not my problem. Stick by what u want and dont worry about what other people say.

HTH

i think that what ever you want is a totally reasonable request !! tell them its your child your birth and you have it planned that you only want your DH there ...

my dad said to me when i was about to have ds was to call him when i went into labour and he will wait at the hosp till he was born ..... ah... no thanks .... all these people wanted to be there , i just said no please give me some time ....

as for visiting hours ppl will come regarudless of what you want , so i think you have to be very firm about what you want , the only ppl who visted me were immedeate (sp) family for the first 2 days ...

make sure dh is on the same page as you so your wires dont getr crossed and he can put across your wishes ...


i am very funny when it comes to my personal space .... i am getting nervous about dds birth , i dont even want a midwife or doctor there breathing down my neck ... but thats another storty :lol:

It is your choice!
And a very good i think !

We lived away from family and i set a 6 week rule. No visitors for 6 weeks (as our house would be the hotel and i needed time to get into routine).

I didnt mind the odd friend visiting as i was extremely bored in hospital!

And we didnt tell anyone i was in labour - only once bub was born to stop people from just showing up!

Definitely set the ground rules now before people start getting ideas about waiting outside the delivery room etc. If necessary you can soften the blow by saying that if you feel fantastic and can't wait to show the baby off you'll revise your stance (but of course that's just your Get Out of Jail Free card).

You can also ask the midwives to act as bouncers if necessary.

You may also want to consider not telling anyone you are in labour if you think there is a risk people will show up anyway. And you may also want to consider whether or not you want anyone around when you first get home (ie do you just want it to be you and your DH and the baby for the first day as a brand new family - that's what DH and I wanted) - in case everyone descends on you as soon as you get home.

Just make sure you and your DH show a united front on this one so nobody can "get around you" IYKWIM.

Waiting 24 hours is a great idea. So many first time mums I know have complained that they were so inundated with visitors they felt that they got hardly any time alone with their newborn, felt under pressure to finish breastfeeding before visiting hours started. Those first few hours are so precious and you will never get them back. It's not going to kill anyone to wait a few hours before they get to cuddle the baby.

Sorry - I've worded this a bit strongly I think...please understand I am coming from a "once bitten, twice shy" perspective LOL.

i totally agree, its YOUR choice. You have to do what sits right with you.

My mother wanted to be in the birth with me...no way, my MIL wanted to wait in the waiting room, no way. I was very clear from the start that it was a journey that DH and I were to go through without any pressure or expectations from anyone else. We called immeadiate family after the birth and said that they could come visit and am glad that thats what we decided on, because it would have been too much with more people. Its funny because one thing I do remember was my mum said to me first off....why didnt you call me??? i wanted to come whatch! I said no that it was a private thing and that was the last of it. Shes asked me again with this pregnancy and I have said no, but luckily I have dd for her to look after:) Good luck, make it loud and clear what you want, people will get over it.

for my past to births i have had my mum and DP there and i will be doing the same again!

It is your choice!

Hiya there Andjxx.

Like you, I had a lot of apprehension about others being present at my DS' birth - and soon afterwards - this article Saying 'No' to Unwanted Birth Support People is a great resource - so take a read!

Personally, I didn't want any visitors in hospital whatsoever - in the end I was glad that I had them.
I admit, I wish I'd had the first 24 hours alone - as it is quite exhilarating and something to get used to, but once I got home I wanted people out of my face.

Remember that it is your birth, your baby, & your parenting style - people are not going to stop commenting and telling you what to do any time soon so your birth and post birth visitors preferences is a good start to standing up to them.

Also a good idea is to make it clear with the midwives and staff at the hospital. They are there to look after you - and they should assist in meeting your needs and wishes not to have visitors.

All the best.

Ashlea.
x.

Set the rules now. Everyone will assume it doesn't mean them. Tell them you won't tell them when you're in labour then. Expect tears and tantrums. Write it in your birth plan and tell the ward midwives to send people away. Expect some family member to just appear by your bedside whatever you do.

Basically, don't even mention you're pregnant, and if you do give an EDD of a month after your real EDD. Then you get the first week alone because no-one knows! Only thing that works, in my opinion.

Then again, I didn't want midwives or DH with me, let alone extended family. Even after the birth I only wanted DH, no visitors, and tbh I think I would have wanted that for at least a week, not that anyone listened to mean, selfish me who doesn't want to share her baby.

It's funny isn't is Rosehip - you get pregnant and suddenly everyone in the family thinks they have the right to every little piece of you.

Personally I can't imagine a more private and intimate experience to be shared by only me a DH.

That and I seriously don't want people coming in and telling me that I should be doing this or that - that is going to happen enough and I know myslef well enough that I will bite someones head off pretty fast if they are getting to me. I have done it before - and I don't like coming across like I am mean.

:) I had my mother tell me I wasn't feeling kicks when DH and I had seen them! So yup, you are now public property and ALWAYS wrong. Good for you for sticking up for yourself, I hope people get the idea soon.

I think you have every right to ask people not to visit until you are ready. We did. I was initially booked for a c/s (placenta praevia) and our plan was to not even tell anyone when it was booked for and announce the birth after it happened. As it turned out, I went into labour naturally, had emergency c/s, bubs born 4:42 in the morning, we rang our immediate family 4 hours later and told them they can come visit after 3pm. Everyone else we told that night or the next day. As far as I know, no one was offended or upset.

i wouldn't worry about it, and i wouldn't say anything to them beforehand, because it might end up worrying you even more depending on how they react... people can be so insensitive sometimes... they might even joke about coming in etc... it could freak you out... my MIL kept saying she would be in the waiting room but she wouldn't come in... the very idea of her being just outside the door freaked the hell out of me....!!! i thought she'd be looking at her watch and busting in to see what was taking so long.

if it were me and i could have my time over, i wouldn't tell anyone i was in labour except my partner (obviously) and my parents, as i can trust them to respect my wishes... the rest you get your partner to call once the baby arrives or whenever you are comfortable with dealing with people... and you can also stipulate 'mum and baby doing well but no visitors yet'... and that you will let them know when its appropriate to visit.

unless otherwise wanted/needed by the mother, i think the only people that should be present at the birth are the people that were present during conception.

Its def your choice and i would say what you want now and emind them again at the time. we told both sets of parents that we didn't want them coming to the hospital until we rang to say they could. we rang and told them when we were in labour and fil asked if we wanted them to come to the hosp, but we said no and we'll let them know. we also stayed at home for half the labour anyway so there was no point. in the end, it was almost 3 hours after Alyssa was born that hubby rang our parents because of a few minor complications. we texted friends and said that we will let them know when we were ready fir visitors (one ir two we still haven't said we're ready!). it was only a couple of rewally close friends rhat we said to come to the hosp the day after she was born, the rest were a week later at home if they wanted. we also said no siblings the first day, mainly due to it being a fyll room if dh family turned up with his hyperactive 13 year old sis and his bro and his useless gf. as it turned out, mil tured up the first night without fil bu twith bil and the gf. bit annoyed as my family respected our request. remember - its your birth, be strong, be clear and give them a reminder!

Emma - my mil joked about being in the room aswell - i mentioned that there was a sofa in the birthing room and she said "so we can sit and watch" i know she was joking but it still made me anxious that i would have a room full of people waiting outside to bust in the moment they heard a cry.

I was pretty ruthless the first time around and I'll be even more ruthless the next. First night my best mate came. That was fine - I wanted her to. Second day BIL and SIL came which was also arranged so that was fine. My family is in the UK so it was DP's family who were going to turn up in droves - I told him to say no. He felt funny about that so I said, well you either tell them no over the phone or I'm putting the Do Not Disturb - No Visitors sign on so if they turn up it will be a wasted journey. Unbeknownst to me, they did turn up, saw the sign and thought they'd better go. Night Four, I had my three girlfriends there.

Honestly, in the mornings even without visitors I had about six people popping in and out - the paed, the ob, the midwives, the guy taking my lunch order and the newspaper trolley woman. It felt like Piccadilly Circus.

I think a Do Not Disturb sign is a great idea.

Just close the door and put it up so that anyone who does come will get the message.

i was in the waiting room when SIL had her first bubba - at my brother's request! i got to play birth bouncer - his best friend and our mum were there, and he needed someone with a level head to stop them killing each other!

we've already said that no one will know when we have our kidlet til after it happens. i'm not even pg yet, but my mum made the mistake of DEMANDING to be told i was in labour, and that we couldn't say we didn't have time seeing we have a 30k trip to the hospital - straight past her house. hmmmmm. not a smart thing for her to say to me - or DH! we're both stubborn red heads, so she's gotten us both offside. we don't have a great relationship anyway, so don't know what she thought she was gonna achieve!

my SIL may get a phone call - will very much depend on how DH and I feel about photo's and stuff. she's awesome with a camera, so we might call her to take piccies during and soon after the birth. we've already said we're going to have a Doula, so we may leave it up to her... who knows

whatever decision you make, make it VERY clear to not only the "visitors" you might have, but to DH as well - no point you saying "ok, we need this time" and him not going along with it!

start screening calls early, and deliberately "miss" calls from family that you think would "assume" you're in labour if you don't answer a call. we do this already as our home phone is a fax as well, so answering machine and screening are our friend!

if all else fails, just don't tell anyone you've given birth til you're home and ready for visitors!!

good luck

BG

unplug the phone in your room too if you have too! I left mine on but told the switch board NO INCOMING CALLS please. But someone didnt pay any attention to that and put through the two callers I was most trying to avoid.... BIL and SIL... My BIL rang up to tell my dh ( his bro) off cos dh's mobile was off and he needed to talk about work stuff. but dh wasnt there so i got told off in his place. NOT nice, so I snapped back and hung up on him.

And get the nurses and midwives in on the act. They should be extremely helpful in screening your visitors.

That first 24 hours is SO precious. once its gone you never get it back. Treasure it and stick to your guns! others will get over it. If they are upset then they are obviously thinking about themselves and not you and your new baby.

Ok sounds pretty harsh I know, but i have many regrets. I was inundated with DD1 so much that i never got the breast feeding sorted properly before i went home. I had so many visitors in hospital and at home and i was not comfortable feeding in front of anyone. She went on to bottlefeeding at 10 days old and i will regret that probably for the rest of my life. She is 10 now and it still upsets me...

please. decide what you want and be strong. your the sake of your new baby and yourself.

I just want to say something.

When I had DD1 I was insistant that I only wanted DH in with me while I was in labour. My mum & MIL came up after I'd been in labour for 10 hours & were going to sit in the waiting room.
They asked someone how long they thought I'd have & they said a while. So Mum & MIL offered to come in just while DH goes out for a smoke - he did really well going so long! He only had the one in 18 hours!
Any way I told the midwife that I wanted them out as soon as DH came back.

But as soon as they came in I changed my mind. Mum had gone through labour 3 times & MIL 6 times. They knew what to do & how to help.
They knew what the MW & OB were talking about.
If MIL wasn't in there I could've been taken up for a c/s. They were talking about it coz it was taking so long & she suggested they give me a bit more time. I'm glad she did.

We were both young & didn't go to any pre natal classes though. Things might be completely different for you.

I wish my mum was there for both the other 2, but she couldn't be.

You don't have to, but maybe your mum or someone to help you through the labour & make it clear that as soon as baby comes out she is to go & give you & your partner time.

I don't know you, but I don't think I could've done it with out my mum.

Its all well and good if you get along with your mum - but my mum usually just makes me angry and frustrated - not exactly the type of mood I want to be in at that time.

Both her and my MIL are illogical and frustrating and I am likely to bite their heads off if they start to annoy me - not exactly something I want to do at that time.

You do make a good point for people who are close to their mum's though.

I'm going into cold sweats imagining my mother there! Just not a good idea. Yeah, she's done it before, she can tell me everything I'm doing wrong, just like she has done all my life. Great one. I didn't even want DH there let alone some woman I don't even like, just happen to be related to.

As for "only the people at the conception" argument - do you have midwives/obs there? What about IVF babies, should the parents not be present and the scientists there instead? (Sorry, this is a bit of a thread hijack, but just curious.)

Yeah, good point about you mum/ MIL.

I would whole heartedly support not having hordes of visitors in the first 24 hours after after having bubs.
This time is just soooo important, not only for you and your dh to spend quality time initiating that bonding time, and getting to know this new little person in your life, but it is also important that you have this time to rest and recover and just have some time to yourselves.
Let the midwives at the hospital you are going to know that you dont want visitors for the first 24 hours and they can put a sign on your door.
Tough luck if family dont like it, there will be plenty of time for visiting in the weeks after!!

I wouldn't say anything, because you might change your mind on the day. I'd just nod and smile when people say stupid things and then do what feels right when you get there.

I didn't want anyone to know I was in labour, but when I was in early labour I allowed hubby to tell the IL's. They IL's were very unlikely to just rock up (unlike my parents). I had no intention of staying long in the hospital so when I was told I had to hang around a couple of hours for the paed to discharge Oliver, we invited the IL's into the birth suite to see him (this was after I had a shower). I felt so great when I got home that my parents plus a bunch of my extended familly, SIL and her family, and some of our friends came around. We ended up going to the Thai place around the corner for dinner.

I'm glad I got all the visiting out of the way while I was full of endorphins, because on day 2 I felt like I'd been run over, and on days 3 and 4 I had the blues. I didn't anticipate I'd be up to seeing anyone but I really wanted to show off my new baby after my hard work. So I'd keep an open mind about visitors.

For birth attendants I just wanted hubby and noone else and I was pretty blunt about that, but noone offered to attend anyway so it wasn't an issue.

:grouphug:
I think the way you asked indicates you respect people and opinions and I hope you maintain it for yourself and your instincts.

I've read surfing that the environment in which a child is ideally created is optimal for birth. (ie. private, loving, intimate) and even the hormones involved are similar which made sense to me.

This is my first so I can't relate any birth stories yet... great or awful... but I can warn you from experience whether it is this issue or another there may come a point in your pregnancy where your instincts go against "tradition". I have found surfing there are always valid reasons for my feelings and it's a sad fact that people may need someone else's words to believe your deisres are valid. Arm yourself with anything you read or hear that may make it clearer to those you are forced to justify yourself to.

With the birth I figure this is my child's first experience of the outside world and am trying for the best environment to be relaxed, comfortable & intuitive so I can focus on what we need & need to do. My first thought is not stressing, getting breastfeeding started & falling more in love. I'm sure it could be done for an audience to be discussed over coffees and lunchbreaks but instead I'm going for the "closed session".

:

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I am having feelings about not having anyone there at all except my husband for the first 24 hours.

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My mum told me the nicest thing last week when we were talking about when she should come... "when I had you guys all I wanted was to be with [your father] it was such a special time together". I feel the same and when we all lie in bed together I am visualising our child lying outside my body in exactly the same environment of peace as soon as "it" decides it's ready. But I've also told her I may want her to drop everything and high tail it to me... depends what happens I guess.

This is one of the first of a generations' long list of decisions we get to make for our families & decendants... we only get to make them once, make sure it's one you are proud of whatever that turns out to be. Feel free to change your mind if it feels right, as many times as it feels right.

I too wouldn't be telling people I was in labour. Our close freinds let us know when their labour started but they had complications and she had a 36 hour labour and of course naturally (and rightly) didn't update us with what was happening so we were always thinking the worst had happened etc. And I imagine there'd be an extra expectation on you as the labouring woman to hurry up adn get it finished so everyone waitign can breathe a sigh of relief and charge in!

My advice would be not to tell anyone you are in labour. That way they wont know and wont come and visit you. DH also called people with updates while I was in labour - something I was NOT happy with. For our next baby, I'll be only telling people the NEXT day, after the baby is born. I dont want to have people waiting for me up at the ward when I get to my room.. I regret not telling everyone to leave. I didnt get to have any nice mummy and daughter time that day and I feel this made it harder for me to bond with my daughter. Remeber, a decent person will respect your wishes, so if they wont, they obviously think its all about them and not you. So yeah, personally, I wouldnt even tell anyone that your even in labour.

we could not think of anything worse than having family and friends at the birth

we will not be telling anyone until after the baby is born no unexpected visitors that way, the first 24 hours are 2 important.

I don't understand some people, we did not need any help getting the baby in why the need for all the onlookers and opinion about getting it out

Wow, I am about to say something that goes against the grain here.:redface:

I totally agree that you need to make a decison that is best for you, your baby and your partner but I just want to put the case forward for having visitors. I am not necessarily talking about people in the birthing suite but afterwards.

I couldnt WAIT to show my new babies to everyone and have our families and friends share in the joy and love that we were feeling. I still managed to bond with my children. I still managed to get some quiet time (simply asked them to leave when visiting times were over), I still managed to share special time with my DH and I still managed to get specialist advice from midwives, lactation consultants etc (would simply move to another room or ask visitors to wait in the waiting room).

Our baby/babies arent just mine and my husbands to love. They are a product of our wonderful family and friends and I couldnt imagine anything worse then telling them - no sorry you cant see your grandchild/neice/cousin etc.

:

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I really wanted to show off my new baby after my hard work. So I'd keep an open mind about visitors.

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Exactly how I feel - dont discount having visitors.

At the end of the day it is your choice, I am simply saying that I loved having visitors and found it to be a real positive thing and am wanting to present a different view to this discussion. And I still bonded with my babies despite having between 50-70 people visit over a 4 day period in hospital. In fact people comment on how close a relationship DD and I have.

And yes I am lucky that I have a very loving and suportive family and I realise that there may be instances where families are not like mine and are not as supportive/happy etc. But if there is no tension/disagreements or negative energy within your family certainly dont discount having them visit. :)

Hi!

From experience, some men do not handle their partner in pain very well. the last thing you need is your only support person passed out in the corner. It is very much worth having someone you can trust and are comfortable with in the room for added support. You will need to be comfortable being naked infront of them though. The amount of back rubbing I had throughout both of my labours, I needed an extra support person, DH couldnt rub hard enough for long enough, and I had short labours! On the other end of the spectrum, you could have a long labour and need DH to have some sleep while you are labouring, and you definitely dont want to be alone hun. That is when choice is taken away because you dont have someone there standing up for your rights, and when you are in pain logical thought is impossible.

I loved having visitors. I was bored the day that noone came to see us! Visitors kept my mind active while my babies slept, and i was sleeping quite well considering. If you feel like visiotrs, invite them. If you dont, then tell them to go away! Maybe the best option will be visitor by invite only, and ask the midwives to announce each visitor and always keep your door shut.

With first pregnancies and births you never know what will happen, so keep your options open. Chose standby support people and tell them that when you go into labour if you need more support they will be called, but if you are coping fine with just you and DH then you will let them know once bub is born. I know I will be telling people my EDD is 2 weeks later next time, I got so sick of the calls and messages! The best way to answer those is 'Dont worry I will tell you when the baby is born'

If there are no friends of family that you know and trust enough to have there, maybe consder a doula. If I was a long way from my family (my mum and I are very close) then I would hire a douls or fly mum up to where ever we are for a month just to make sure I had the support I need.

Please ask your DH if he thinks seeing you in a lot of pain may get too much for him, and if it might, then make sure you have backup support.

Remember, this is YOUR baby, YOUR pregancy, and YOUR birth. Only YOU have the right to make final decisions and if anyone doesn't respect them, they are very selfish and dont deserve to be told anything at any time. Visiting a new mum and baby is a priveledge, not a right. Make your choices known now, and if you change your mind that is your perogative, but do not let anyone force you to do something you dont want. RESEARCH everything, knowledge is power.

Allow people to have their offer to help in any way, and tell them you will let them know what they can do. For mum and MIL this might be making a freezer full of meals for when you get home and those times when you dont get a chance to cook. Make lists of all the things you would like help with and tell people that if they want to help they can do..... and once they have been helpful they then may get the priveledge to have baby cuddles, but only if they are really helpful. there is nothing worse than people who dont do anything but get in the way and make you feel uncomfortable.

Hope these ideas are some help for you hun. Being organised to begin with sets you up for an easier time once bubs is here. teach DH how to use the washing machine and make sure he does a load each day before he gets to the hospital, then you will have clean undies to come home to ;)

Hi alioops,

I had my first daughter in April 2006 and my biggest regret was not setting down some ground rules before to family. My mother was at the hospital about 10min after DH called - he tried to tell her not to come in but she turned up (stubborn), so DH told his parents to come in too.

Within an hour of having my daughter - I had my mum, In-laws & brother in-law all standing around the bed.

I was so sick vomitting into a kidney dish, I was still laying in all the blood/yukky stuff, vomit on the floor (which they had to step over to get to me) and a catherder bag full of urine. I hadn't had a chance to spend quality time with my daughter. It was horrible!!!

I am due to have my second baby on 20th August and have laid down the ground rules very clearly....with all family. I know my mum is a put out that she can't come in until I am up in the maternity ward, showered, rested, spent time with baby and breastfed. I told her that I will call her myself when I am ready to tell her the news and that she can come in.

Some advice, set the ground rules and make it very clear. You may feel great after delivery and can't wait to see people or you could be tired, sick and need time to recover & spend some quality time with your little baby in the first few hours.

Good luck
Al