heartbreaking decision

Hi, I am currently about 15 weeks pregnant and I have had to make a dreadful decision that i am sure some may not agree with. After several scans, tests and many doctor visits i have been told that my only options with this pregnancy is to wait for a miscarriage to happen or to terminate (my baby has many problems and has no chance of surviving to full term). I have decided on the second option as i dont think i can deal with a miscarriage happening later on in my pregnancy. If I was told it will happen in 3 or 4 weeks time it would be something i could deal with but no one can predict something like this. I have been told that i need to be induced and go through labour to terminate this pregnancy. This is just devasting. Has anyone been through this and how did you cope with the emotional pain of going through labour. I am still in shock and am so heartbroken. :(

:hug: I hope and pray your body and your heart are able to heal. What a tragedy.

You poor thing, that's so awful! I can't even imagine. Did your Dr. say why this was happening? Doctors can be wrong, they can't say with 100% percent certainty that you'll miscarry.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

My baby has a chromosome problem and also a lot of other problems. There is a lot of fluid surrounding and in the baby, the thickness around the neck is about 16mm, there is heart and lung problem.....there are too many things. The past couple of weeks i have hang onto some hope that things will get better but the last scan showed it was a lot worse. It is a lot to deal with and the thought of having to go through labour was just unbearable..

I have nothing useful to say, just that you're in my thoughts and I'll be sending you my hope and love
:hug:

I'm so sorry Braveheart that you are in this situation. My thoughts are with you :hug: The pain of miscarriage is terrible let alone having to make this decision and then go through labor. It just seems so unfair.

:hug: again.

:hug: I am so sorry you have to make this decision..

My sister has been through this and is a member of BB.. She is away till tomorrow but I will let her know about you and when she gets a chance I am sure she will pop in and talk to you

:hug: again..

Hi,
So sorry to hear what you're going through. This is definately a heartbreaking decision. Two years ago at my 20wk scan we found out our baby had Trisomy 13 which is a chromosone abnormality and our baby had multiple physical & organ deformities, we were told our baby would not survive full term. We were also told we would need to consider terminating the preg. Our precious Emmanuel was stillborn at 24wks and I went through 27hrs of labour, and as hard as it was I am so grateful I was able to see and hold my beautiful boy. It helped in my grieving process and I can now look back and hold precious memories of my angel.
Have you had an amnio or any diagnostic testing to determine the condition of your baby? If you have any questions that I can answer I would be more than happy.
I will be thinking of you.

Regards,
Dianne

I am so so sorry that you have to go through this :hug:

I really dont have any comforting words but I do know someone who went through something similar - she had to birth her baby at 18 weeks due to abnormalites. It took her about 5 months to feel strong enough again but now she is pregnant.

It really is a heartbreaking decision and I wish you all the strength in the world.

:hug:

I have 2 people in my life who had a baby with Trisomy 13.
A good friend & my MIL.
They both had their babies at term as they didn't know about the disability.
MIL had scans done & found out after that the doctor knew all along, but didn't tell her. Don't really know why, but she said if she had've known she would've terminated. He lived for 3 weeks.
My friend was only 15 & didn't seek medical assistance. She ended up with an emergency c/s & her little girl lived for 6 days.
You made a very hard decision & we are all here to support you through it.

Braveheart, big hugs to you. No-one should have to go through this. It is indeed a heartbreaking decision and I am sure that no-one could think less of you either way.

Someone I know has been through this. She was induced and delivered her baby boy, and got to hold him before he was taken away. She was in the same situation and made the decision not to wait for it to happen. She found it very difficult obviously, but I think having some control (ie choosing when it will happen) helped. The labour itself was quick and relatively easy, with such a small bub it is not quite as difficult as with a term baby. She has since gone on to have two beautiful, healthy girls, and while I'm sure her little boy will always be in her heart, she has been able to move on and make peace with it.

I hope that you are able to find peace too. I think you are very courageous, and that strength will help you through. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. I wish you all the very best. I am very sorry that you are going through this.

You poor thing, what a terrible decision but as the others have said we are all here to support you.

Ohh thats terrible you poor thing, Huge Hugs to you :hug::hug::hug:

I hope you find great support in belly belly.

Make sure you get as much time with your baby as you want and need and also pictures, foor prints and handprints etc so you can make a memory box.

Thinking of you

xoxo

Braveheart,
Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you right now. I am so sorry that you're going through this. I wish that no one had to ever know this pain.
I too had to make th heartbreaking decision to terminate my much loved and much wanted little man Noah. We found out at 19 weeks that Noah had a blockage in his urinary tract, which led to his bladder being full of amniotic fluid as he was unable to excrete it as he was supposed to. Because his bladder was so big, it squashed his other internal organs, therefore making his lungs too small to be able to ever function properly, even if he was to make it to term. As well as these problems, he also had no left kidney and a severely abnormal right kidney which meant that there was no way he would be able to survive outside of the womb.
There was also no amniotic fluid surrounding him which meant that if I was to fall, I would have done serious damage to both myself and him.
We made the choice to interrupt the pregnancy. That choice was the hardest choice I have ever had to make in my life. In one day my life changed forever.
I was put into the hospital on a Sunday, and delivered Noah on the Tuesday. The contractions were the same as the contractions I had with my other babies, only they hurt so much more because I knew there was no precious little baby to take home with me. Delivering him was not physically painful, but it hurt my soul... I cried and closed my legs, not wanting to let my baby go. I wanted to hold him, safe inside me for as long as I could. It still tears me up to remember his birth... but it was the most important thing I felt I did for him... I delivered him the same way I delivered his siblings. After he was born, I held him and kissed him and never wanted to let him go. I spent as much time as I could, trying to take in every single detail of the beautiful baby that he was. I have photos of him and treasure every second I got to spend with him.
If you feel better holding off for a couple more weeks, then that choice should be yours to make... after all it is your baby that you're carrying, no one elses (besides your DH that is). Because I was 20w5d, I was offered to have the dates changed to under 20 weeks if thats what I wanted, to save me the pain of arranging a funeral. My husband and I knew that the very least we could do was honor our son by registering his birth & death and holding a funeral for him... that was our choice, and had we found out earlier (18 weeks say), we would have held off until 20 weeks to make sure we could register his birth.
If there is anything I can do for you, or if you ever want to talk, please feel free to contact me at anytime. My email address is in my profile.
Thinking of you honey :comfort: huge hugs,
Lisa

thanks........i have had all the testing done...i am in a situation where there isnt enough choices. I have coped through a long labour before and it was fine as your looking so forward to the end. I just have no idea how i am going to get through with this. How can i numb the emotional pain? I dont know whether i will be able to cope with seeing my baby at the end and i maybe i dont want to? Is that terrible? The past couple of weeks have just been a nightmare. I cant believe that one moment when we were getting our scan at 13 weeks (i was so excited as we were going to tell family/friends our good news) that things can just come crushing down so quickly. I had a little bleeding at 7 weeks so i got a scan as i thought i was having another miscarriage. The scan showed a little bleeding but everything was fine so i was not expecting things to be worse. I feel absolutely blessed that i have a healthy 1 year old and i need to be strong for her. She doesnt understand why her mummy is upset & crying. It is just really depressing at the moment and i am sure i will eventually get through this. I have read many of the stories here and i am amazed at the strength people have. Thanks

A friend of mine lost her baby at 25 weeks.
They tried to get her to hold him, but she said she couldn't as that would've made it real.
She didn't see him & 20 years later still thinks she made the right decision for her.
I do understand. It's your choice. I just hope either way it ends up being the right decision for you.

Just giving you some hugs. :hug:

My heart breaks for you. Does your hospital offer a counseling service? Perhaps grief counseling would help you get throgh this. *hugs*

I have no advice for you. I cannot fathom what you and your husband must be experiencing.
I just wanted to give you some more :hug:s. You and your precious boy will be in my thoughts, I will light him a candle.
x

:hug:I have been there sweetie

in sept 03 I had to make the heartbreaking decision to induce my little girl as she was not meant for this earth

if you want to chat please feel free to PM me for my email or msn details

:hug::hug:

Braveheart,
I am so very sorry. I am thinking of you at this difficult time.

I had an induced labour at 16 weeks when my son Luke was stillborn due to a cord accident. It was an awful thing to have to do, but for me, it was the best way.

Take care my love,
Debbie

Braveheart,

All i can offer you are great big hugs and that you and your family are in my thoughts. I wish you all the strength to pass through this very very tough period.

xxoxx

Oh hun, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Noone should ever have to feel these emotions. I try to look at it that we got to meet our daughter Ava. If it was a few weeks earlier we would never have met her. My waters broke at 17 1/2 weeks and nature was supposed to take its course. 10 days later we had a scan which showed there was not a drop of fluid and also that she was still alive. My heart broke. We then had to make the decision to carry on or terminate. (She may have made it to full term but her lungs would be 17 weeks still) It is the worse decision to ever have to make and I am so so sorry you have to make it. Do what is right for you both. As someone else said, she waited till the 20 week mark so her bub was registered. We were 10 days away from 20 weeks and she was only recognised as a feotus. Luckily for us the funeral director saw her as a baby and we were able to have a cremation for her. Had I knwon this, things may have been different.

It is completely your decision as to whether you want to see your baby or not. Do not let anyone force you either way. We had both sets of parents, my sis and one very close friend hold her also. I felt that if I needed to talk to someone other than family, my friend is able to share that memory with me. We also took a blanket to wrap her in that I still snuggle with every morning. Anything that you would like as a memory, a teddy, foot and hand prints, photos, weight, height. Take your time in deciding to see your baby or not. I too was unsure how she would look. I can't describe the emotions that overtook me when Ava was born. I think almost like a mother with a healthy newborn. (I think, as Ava was our first). I had an ENORMOUS amount of love for her and just wanted to hold her close. The saddness kicked in a few minutes later but I treasure those feelings I first had.
You are both in my thoughts. Do what is best for the 3 of you.
:hug: Stanas

Thankyou for all kind words/stories/support. i have made the dreadful decision to stop the pregnancy (appt in a few days). I still have no idea how i am going to cope with the emotional pain. Is the physically pain the same as a normal labour? I also still dont know if i can deal with seeing/holding my baby at the end. I feel terrible and gulity that i cant deal with having that connection as it will make it too real. Will I regret it? I have the scanned picture in my head that wont go away (i dont see what the docs see) and i am happy to hold onto this image.

sweetie labour side I can't tell you mine was very easy ....the connection will be there, as hard as it wil be hold your baby spend time with him...trust me you will cope with the emotional pain yes there will be days when you say why should I go on, why not me, these are all perfectly normal I still 5 years down the track have days where I can't stop crying, but these are few and far between now...I made a promise to my Katy to live everyday for her, to experience the unknown to enjoy life for her, to take time to smell the roses or look for animals in the clouds.

I know it sounds cliche but these are the things that got me thru my darkest hours, another thing talk to your partner talk to your family talk to your friends talk to the girls here, you have a son unfortunatly the angel in the book of life is going to write to perfect for this earth..he will alwasy watch over you live your life for him...:hug:

the one thing I can't say enough take pictures if you and your partner can't ask the nursing staff, when we had Katy I was in a state of shock as I imagine you are and we didn't take any pics nor were we asked if we wanted any, to this day it is something I regret, I have her hand and footprints and a picture in my mind of what she looked like but no pictures

I personally don't know if you will regret not seeing the baby, I don't think anyone can tell you that for sure, they are not you. But my friend hasn't regretted it.
They tried to make her look at her son(sb 25 weeks), but she refused & she doesn't think she could've coped if she did see him.
As I said before, 20 years later she doesn't regret that decision. I don't think she named him either. Although if its past 20 weeks you are supposed to as they need a death certificate. I'll have to ask her if she had to or not.
If you choose not to see your baby, thats your choice & don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty for that decision.

Braveheart.
I agree with Rach, if you do decide to see your baby, take some photos. This is the one huge regret I have in regards to Noah. I couldn't bring myself to take photo's of him because I was still in denial that everything had happened (Found out about his abnormalities and delivered him in a week total)... so I got the midwives to take photo's of him. I kept the disposable camera here until I felt ready to see his pics. On what should have been his 2nd birthday, I got his photos developed, and I was so saddened that they only took 2 photos of him... I wish I had more. I wish I had some of me and my DH holding our precious son.
I can fully understand the apprehension in not knowing if you want to see your baby or not, I was very similar... I was worried that Noah would be freaky, alien looking... but he was beautiful... in every way he was gorgeous... I could see many similarities between him and my older children, and he had a lot of mine and my husband's features. When Harrison was born, it was very much like looking at a full term version of Noah. I am so glad I got past my apprehension and held my baby... though I totally understand why some people don't. A friend of mine didn't, and as much as she felt it was right for her, she does regret it now, although she does have pictures of her baby girl.
Only you can know what is right for you.
Thinking of you sweetie. I will keep you in my thoughts and in my heart. :hug:


Skye - I think it may have been different 20ish years ago in regards to registering the birth... my friend had a SB at 21 weeks and she only had to register her birth because her baby took a breath, which then made her a baby, not a foetus back then.

I too recently went through something very similar and i feel for you so much. I had my 12 week scan and all looked great the guy said and then the following day my OB called to ask me to come in,well i knew then something was wrong. I had tested 1 in 27 for chromosones 18 & 13, i was so scared but part of me believed all would be ok. Well the next week i was booked in for a CVS, as the Dr started to do the US i myself could see there was no heartbeat,i was shattered.I had a D&C that day,that was 3 weeks ago and im still a mess.

What im trying to say is that i also had a week where all i thought about was having to decide if the test came back positive would i terminate and my answer was yes.I couldnt do that to the baby, my family and my 1 yr old DD. But i suppose God stepped in and took that decsion out of my hands and part me is thankful he did! We have had genetic testing done on our baby to see if it was positive....

My heart and thoughts are with you and im sending you huge hugs xxx