Feeling pressured to get married

Hi everyone,

I'd love to hear from other people who are in a similar situation to myself.
I have been with my partner for 7 years :inlove: We have lived together for the past 3years. We are now pregnant and both very happy :hooray: about it but I am constantly being asked "So when are you going to get married?" or "You need that commitment"

It ends up stressing me out. Please don't get me wrong I would love to get married but I am also very comfortable and secure with my partner. I feel like I am constantly justifying this to others.

Don't really know why we havent gotten engaged over the years. We always talk about getting married and our future together. The only thing I can put it down to is that my partner and I don't have the best role models for marriage as everyone in both our families are all divorced.

Sorry to be going on a bit..I just don't know how to deal with the pressure. I feel like my mum is planning my wedding when I am not even engaged yet!

Hi Ali,
I understand exactly how you feel. I have been together with my partner for 5 years and in that time we've attempted to get married twice.... both times have ended disasterously and with us still unmarried. I've come to the conclusion that something or someone out there doesn't want us to get married...lol
But since I've fallen pregnant it's all we've heard about too!!!

Try and remember that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks only you and your partner matter in this and if you are happy and committed to each other and raising this baby the best way you possibly can then thats all that matters - it's only a piece of paper not a guarantee :)

Don't let them get to you babe
xoxoxo

Alibaby I so hear you as I've been there myself. All you need to do is set it straight with your parents & inlaws right from the start and tell them that at the moment you want to concentrate on and enjoy your pregnancy and down the track, when you are both ready, you will organise a wedding. Besides the last thing you want to be doing while pregnant is planning a wedding, too much stress. Just ignore the comments. ;)

it's a very personal decision - as long as you're committed to each other, a wedding means little more than celebrating that love with your closest friends and family. it's ultimately a piece of paper - living in a marriage like relationship affords you all the "rights" of any "married" couple.

ultimately, it's up to you, and you alone (well, you and DP) when, or even if, you decide to marry. don't let anyone else tell you what to do, or tell you how to live your life!

i would just say "when people least expect it", "when bubs is old enough to be a part of it", "when we can afford to fly to vegas and elope" - anything that will get them to leave you alone!!

i love being married - and loved our wedding day - but we didn't need that day or that certificate to know we were meant to be together - we knew that anyway! DH just wanted to make it official cos his family are all fruit cakes that would dispute his wishes if something happened and we hadn't tied the knot!

yep, we had that too.

we were due to get married in the month that leila was due to be born (the wedding was actually planned before she was!). so we held off, but the pressure came in thick and fast. and once she was born people were tapping their watches. we ended up getting hitched when she was 6 months old. although it was really great, we both wish that we had of waited. like you, we had been together for 7 years so we felt no need to rush, and in the end, the wedding was really stressful (with a new bub!) and we really really wish we had of waited until we were ready, not when the others were ready. it was too much to organise and juggle when you have a new person in your lives.

i reckon you should stick to your guns and do what is best for you and your new family of three...:)

Just thinking out loud... have you ever thought of eloping ? it's not that traditional getting married huha ... it would still be very special for just the two/three of you - might be the happy medium for now - and its inexpensive as well since you have the bub on the way, and later when you are both feel you want the "big fat greek wedding" you can have a nice wedding renewal ceremony ...

Hi Ali, I agree with the PP's. It's ultimately up to you and your DP. I have been getting the same thing the minute I announced the pregnancy. Oddly, no comments from our families as none of our brothers and sisters are married, but still in relationships with kids. The comments I get are from friends and I usually just say "When DP proposes" or I just shrug my shoulders and say that we're in no hurry, just enjoying everything we have now with the new baby.

Thanks for all your support girl. It does make me feel alot better that there are other people in similar situations to me.
I do just want to enjoy the pregnancy (and really who wants to not be able to drink at the ir own wedding)!
DD- Thanks for your support. I am sure you and your man are very happy evenwithout the piece of paper.
Cassius- My mum has this grand idea of all the fam going to Fiji to get married when the baby is 6mths old and like you I just want to concentrate on being a mum to a new baby and not have the pressure of organising a wedding.
Gecko-I love the idea of eloping. I might suggest that to my DP. We have both never wanted a big wedding either and you are right we could always have something in a few years time where we renew our vows.
Laranna & briggsy's Girl- Thankyou for your helpful suggestions of what to say to people if they ask.
Just another question for those of you who werent married when you had your children...did you give your child your last name or your parnters last name?

We gave our bubba DP's surname. I figured if we do ever get married I'd probably chane my name anyway. Had a few people ask us why we didn't hyphenate our surnames and I just said it would have made his surname too long!

Thanks Laranna was thinking the same thing!

My partner and i are married, but have different surnames (he hasn't changed his yet :lol:). I am not sure yet which surname to gave our kids. Pretty sure he assumes it will be his. I don't know. I'm not overly attached to mine, but have reservations about the assumption that they will get his surname.

Although, he has never made an issue about me changing mine, i reckon (and we have had plenty of comments like this) that he thinks the kids will take his surname and then eventually i will just change mine (to his) because it will be easier.

Hi Ali,

Both mine and my DP's family are very religious and traditional and I know my DP feels pressure to propose (I know he has already gotten the ring, just waiting for that special moment!). I am also hearing those comments a lot :rolleyes: My mum was married at 18 and pregnant at 19 and now I feel like my family expects me to do the same because I am pregnant. I don't want to rush anything. I am happy and committed and have been for the past 3 years and my DP is my first and only love so I think that is special enough! I agree with the other comments: just give them some smart remarks and they will back off!

Bubs will be taking DP's surname and so will I when the "big" day comes along :lol:

All the best and don't rush anything, enjoy and relax!

how exciting & romantic specially since it would be the tree of you :) !
i am sure it will all work out for you one way or another - life is too short ! - and you know yourself that you will never manage to make everybody happy - but on the other hand it always helps to find a happy medium ;)

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Just another question for those of you who werent married when you had your children...did you give your child your last name or your parnters last name?

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We got married 12 months after our first daughter. She had DH's surname. But in hospital she was 'baby MY SURNAME'.....which kinda made sense, why would they have BABY DH's SURNAME when i, the mother had a totally different surname - KWIM ???

And for what its worth, i went to a wedding 2 weeks ago and the lovely bride was 27 weeks pregnant. She was vomitting in the toilet the whole reception, and by 3pm (it was a 11am start) wanted to go home to sleep. She and new hubby left, and we all partied on and drank ourselves silly.....TBH i dont know why she didnt wait till after she had bubs at least.....

We had both our daughters at our wedding.
My dad kept saying to DH that he had to make an honest woman of me, but I was 10 weeks pg with DD2 before DH asked me!
We could've gone & had a quickie wedding when I was pg with DD1, but I was only 17 turning 18. I wasn't ready yet.

I got married for DH & I. Not for the kids.

When I was pg with the girls, I knew I was ready to make the life time commitment to them.
I wasn't ready to make that sort of commitment to DH yet.

We did it in our own time when we were ready. DD1 was 4, DD2 was 17 months.
We had DS 16 months later.

We celebrated 8 years together in June & our 2 year wedding anniversary is in November.

DP and I had been together for 6 years when we decided to have kids (it had been something we'd talked about for years but the time hadn't been right before then), and don't really have any intention of getting married. Every now and again someone will ask if we're married or plan to become married, we say no, and that we don't have any plans to and it gets left at that. Never had an issue really, although my family have been prone to go into fits of excitement at the idea. It's more that they think it would be fun to organise a wedding rather than wanting to see us married. I'm not sure why they think that they'd be the ones organising it though. :cryinglaugh:

My family are happy now that we have a child, they've got him to get all excited over so they don't care whether we get married now.

We saddled our poor DS with a hyphenated name. Both DP and I are only children so we both wanted him to have our surnames. He can change it to whatever he likes when he's old enough though.

In terms of justifying your relationship to others, best advice I can give is don't. If you are both happy not being married sod whatever anyone thinks.

DP & I have been together over 11 years now & DS is nearly 6 mnths & tbh I don't want to get married. DS has DP's surname even in hospital & it wasn't going to be any other way, I had suggested maybe hyphenated but in the end it just didn't sound right.

Take your time, relax, having a child together is a much bigger commitment than getting married, when you get married you can always divorce, when you have a child together he will always be in your life.

I think briggsy's girl idea of wanting to wait until bubba is old enough to be apart of the wedding will buy you the most time.

Goodluck, enjoy your pregnancy & stay healthy.

we had a similar thing and everyone started asking the question but the thing is once you have the bub - people will ask when the next is coming.... its never ending!

We always told people (and its the total truth for us) that we had planned to do the kid thing before marriage so we can have our kids actually in the wedding - making it a real family day- now we have been engaged for a year and the pressure is now on us to give a date for it! We are in no rush though... we have happy as is and it will happen one day!

Just know that what you do it up to you and therefore cant be wrong if it makes you guys happy

:rofl: I'm giggling at the idea of you guys eloping and not telling anyone, and then say in a years time when someone asks you, you can say 'we're already married'. Or, have a 'one year anniversary' party. :P

Forgot to say that all ours got DH's name. I'd never be cruel enough to hand over my surname!! It's Irish & looooong!!

DH said a few times that we should just run away & elope! Less stress!

My uncle's 1 year anniversary was within days of my wedding. I went up to him saying I beat you to find out they were married!!
They took the kids to Sea World & got married while there. Their DD was 11 & DS was 9. It was just the 4 of them & noone else knew til after.
I wish someone had told me at SOME stage though!!!

Df and I aren't married, been looong engagement, lol. We already have DD and #2 on the way, we have a mortgage so to me its already like we are married just unofficially, we've never felt the need to do it.
We decided one day when we can afford Las Vegas we'll go there and elope, so now when we get asked we tell everyone "oh prolly in 20 years time" and we get funny looks then. Hopefully we can afford before then.
With names the kids get his surname, Df felt really strongly about that one, does get bit tricky at times when making appts and things cause you have to point out that its different surname to myself and all that.

Hey I am another long term engagee here ;) DP and I have been together 10 years in November and engaged prob'ly the last 4??? It's been so long it's hard to keep track. Initially we had heaps of questions from family and friends about 'when' and 'have we set a date?' and all of that. As time has gone on, it is only the diehard friends that we don't see very often that continue to raise the issue of setting a date. It just hasn't been a huge priority - it will definitely happen one day though. We do have plans but they will probably not be realised for a couple of years yet! I agree with Shell, DP and I have two mortgages now and a bub on the way. It's not that different to marriage and feels like a lifelong commitment to me. :hooray:

Thankfully with no. 1 on the way, no one has started that stuff up again for us (although we have only really told immediate family and a couple of v. close friends so far). I would say that if family or friends persist in asking about a future wedding and they want details or start telling you their ideas (like the Fiji thing) then it says more about them/their needs or wants, than it does about you (that's what I found anyway). True friends will accept your relationship status and the priorities you have after minimal discussion.

I had my family on my back about getting married the first time I got PG, the when we M/C it stopped. We got engaged Sept last year then fell PG in Oct/Nov and it started again and is still going. We had no intention of getting married before our first child because we want our first in the wedding. As far as future children go, DF is adamant on 2 but I want 3 so we are not sure when we will get married (before or after). Whenever we get around to it I guess
DF has also said on numerous time you organise it & Ill be there lol But we we aiming for 2010 ish

Don't worry about it... if you get married first, people just hassle you about "And when are you going to have kids?"

I do think that marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It's a declaration to the public that you are committed to be with your partner forever. But if it's not for you, then it's not for you. Make the decision, and live it proudly and confidently.

But if you do want to go for it, I think you could do it at any stage. There are great celebrants out there who will build a beautiful ceremony to incorporate your child/ren/bump!

been in your situation too, we just said we dont want to get married JUST cause we are having a baby. we got married 2 months after she was born.. .. the pressure was to much and i regret getting married after 7 years we got divorced. Dont get married till your ready and after ppl stop saying it to you. Subconsciously it was still in my mind and married when i shouldnt have!!

Hi Alibaby - haha - when i told my mum that i was pregnant that was the first thing she said 'are you getting married'. I actually didn't expect it - espec in today's day and age.

I've been married before (10 most awful months of my life - long story).... my partner however has not and is keen to get married. However i'm not going to while i feel like i'm being pressured to do so, from partner or family. it has to be a joint decision when the two people are willing and able to do so.

I do think my partner and i will eventually get married, but that is not priority 1. Massive outlay of money for one day and a piece of paper seems wasteful to me. And i agree - do it after you have bubs so you can at least have a champers on the day :)

I would sit your family/ friends down and sincerly and firmly tell them of you and your partners plans - and that the way it's going to be regardless of their thoughts and beliefs. As long as you're both happy things being that way they should be too. It's your lives not theirs.

good luck :goodluck:

Been there, done that....twice!!

I fell pregnant with my first child at the silly age of just 19, my mother refused to talk to me unless I got married, so there I was 19, 5 months pregnant walking down the isle, all to please my mother....we divorced 5 years later! Second marriage...same thing I fell pregnant and thought i would do the right thing but this time i was 27...4 months pregnant and walking down the isle....now going through my second divorce!

Now Im with my boyfriend and yes pregnant but there is no way in hell Im getting married!!
You do what you think is right, dont get married just because your getting pressured cause it may turn out bad like mine did. Why do you need a piece of paper to prove your love for someone? We dont live in the 50s anymore where it was a sin to have children before marriage. As long as your happy, who cares what anyone else thinks.

My DF and I have been together 6yrs (7 in april 09) sand have been engaged for just over a year now! We moved intoget 6mnths into our relationship and started renting 18mnths in! Both the boys have DFs surname as mine is way to long (having Macedonian grandarents doesn't help!) and I will change my name when we finally do get married!

If you as my DF when we are getting married he will tell you in 14yrs and if you ask me I'll tell you on the 27th of April 2013 which will be our 11th year together!

I have a friend who is getting a lot of pressure and her standard response is "Dad will only put up 6 goats for the dowry and DP is holding out for 10" It seems to shut people up (possibly because they are a little confused)

my advice is to take your time and do it when you are ready.

I had alot of pressure when i was pregnant with my DD, i got married while i was 5 months pregnant with her, the wedding was rushed and while it was a nice day it could have been better. This marriage ended in divorce when DD was 1 yr old. I have now remarried a wonderful man, we married after our DS was born, he was 10 months old at our wedding and our DD was our flowergirl, we then had a wonderful family moon . The day was even more special because we were commiting to each other as a family , we had no pressure and had a wonderful day. We now have our second DS.

As for surnames, it can be confusing. My DD has her fathers name and the rest of us have my Dhs surname, so we just hypeante her name, she loves having both surnames.