Is it just a form of Emotional Torture?

Yep me again with childcare issues!
If you are bored of my posts please dont read on - im sorry.

DD has been back in day care 1 day a week - this is week 3

Week 1 - they said she cried the first 2 hours straight and had to be rocked in a pram until lunch time, only slept out of pure exhaustion @ 1pm for 1 hr.

Week 2 - as soon as i left they said she cried and wouldnt stay outside(she loves palying outdoors) and still only slept after 1 hour of rocking for 1.5hrs in the afternoon. When i went to pick her up she was crying non-stop (before she saw i was there).

Week 3 (TODAY) - i said good bye and she starting crying again. I hung around to talk to admin (as i decided that perhaps she isnt ready for care and gave 2 weeks notice to pull her out) - this took me 1/2 hr... i walked back to get my pram and could hear her from inside (she was outside).. screaming in tears ma ma ma ma.

I burst into tear and left before they saw me cause i am so embarressed i am not handling it like every other mum seems to,

What the hell am i doing? Am i paying someone $60 a day so that i can make my daughter cry non -stop and think that i dont love her? She isnt enjoying it from what i can tell (i mean sure she probably has moment of new discoveries and fun) but its so hard to watch her cry.

Especially when i am at home and could have her here with me.

I put her in cause i thought it was the right thing to do to get her socialised with children her own age but she cries when one comes near her and has started hitting my friends children (and she had to learn this somewhere).

I am only letting her have a half day today as she is comoing down with a cold and i need her to have a decent sleep - so i am getting her in about 3 hrs.

I just feel so bad.

Sorry for the vent :(

Oh Hun, so sorry to hear you and DD are having a rough time with care...

My son cried for the 1st few weeks as i did also... its normal for them to be upset but my son wasnt crying all day long... Maybe you need to tal;k to her and let her know you'll be back to pick her up, maybe start by only leaving her for 1/2 day until she starts to get used to it???

Maybe stay there with her for few times so she thinks its a safe place to be ??/

i have been staying with her there for at least 30-45minutes in the morning and showing her around and the toys and outdoor eqiupment. But they still tell me she cries for hours

It sounds like she isn't ready. I was going to suggest you hanging around for 30-60 minutes then leaving, but you've already tried that. It's hard for the little ones when they're only going 1 day a week as it takes a long time for them to adjust.
If she was crying only when you initially left, then I would suggest you giving it a few weeks to see how things go, but if she's crying all, or most of the day, then I would pull her out.

I'm a SAHM and DS has never been to daycare (he will be 2 this month). A couple of months ago we participated in a speech development programme which involved the parents being in one room and the kids being looked after by childcare workers in another room for about an hour/hour and a half. This was once a week for 6 weeks.

The first 2 or 3 weeks my DS was fine, took to it like a duck to water, but a couple of the kids of SAHMs were absolutely hysterical and cried and called out for their mums nearly the entire time.

By Week 4 however, my DS would burst into tears as soon as we pulled up in the carpark and was so hysterical when I tried to leave him that I had to bring him into the session with me and he clung to me like a little koala for the whole session. The next couple of days at home he would completely freak out if he couldn't see me.

I gave up trying to leave him with the carers and just brought him into the sessions with me...but interestingly enough the kids who had been hysterical initially were absolutely fine with being left by the end of the programme.

The carers said that there are 2 common reactions - my DS' reaction which was initially "oh wow this is all fun and different" and then they cop on to what's going on. And the more common reaction of the other kids...initially very upset but then get to grips with what's going on.

Just some food for thought...it may be worth perservering a tiny bit longer just to see if she improves to see if she fits into that second group. I totally understand your concerns...I tried to put DS into daycare to return to work and I was crying all the time and in the end couldn't do it. I am worried about how he will go with 3 year old kinder because Mummy is his best friend in the entire world, but I figure that's a whole year away yet so trying not to think about it.

Oh PP :hug: it does sound like torture. Maybe she's just not ready yet.
There's nothing wrong with that, and while it's hard because you're pregnant with #2, it can't be as hard as knowing she is there crying for you.

thanks Jodi - i have given notice and she will stop in 2 weeks. I have paid up till this date anyhow, And i guess i keep thinking - i am not working and so this is extra money we are getting together to send her someone she doesnt want to be if that makes sense.
I wonder if i can convince DH to spend the money on a cleaner for me instead 1 day a week? lol

Curly - i am not sure if it is a normal thing, but DD was always so outgoing was the first to go to a group of children she doesnt know and share toys or play etc and the past 3 weeks since she started all i child has to do it be 10cm away from her and she cries. I am not sure what is going on.

Thanks Pixie! - congrats on bub btw! i must have missed the announcement. thats the other thing.. is it just hormones! but surely not! lol. - you wil lhave to ask bear to send me a comfort recipe for some yummy cookies so cheer me up! lol :)

Big hugs PP. That is really hard. But don't feel bad for crying. Believe me, we all do it - nothing to be embarrassed there.

The thing is that she's at the age where change is really hard. And if I remember, it's just one day a week, and they usually take longer to settle in one day a week (it's such a long time between day care days at that age). So you would expect it to take her a while to settle. It might be that day care won't ever suit her, but it's more likely that she will get used to it - it's just a matter of how long it takes.

You have some choices and you probably need to weigh up all the pros and cons. Can you cope until she settles in? Will you feel better once she has? What are benefits of persisting? How will you cope with no "DD1" free days when baby is born if you pull her out? How will she cope with you needing to give DS time if she doesn't have a day to herself? There are so many things to consider. One option might be to increase her to 2 days a week in the short term to see if she settles more quickly. Otherwise you need to look into your heart and decide, bearing in mind that things will change when the baby arrives.

GL hun, it is not an easy one. And I dare say pg hormones don't help at all either.

I think if your main reason for putting her in there was to socialise with other babies/children then don't worry about it. I don't think they need socialisation at this age. I take my baby to Mothers Group and they're not interested in playing together. Sure they play with the toys and crawl around and explore but they don't play together. So I think socialisation can definitely wait till they're a bit older. My DD gets only small amounts of time with other babies and it's not done her any harm at all. She's a very friendly baby. If we go on the train, she will wave and laugh at some random person and more often than not she will carry on like a pork chop until she gets to sit on a stranger's knee. So the lack of contact with other babies is certainly not harming her social skills!

On the other hand, I DO think it's important for us mums to have a break when we need it. If you feel you do need a break, that's completely understandable but maybe there's other ways you could do this. For instance, on Sunday I got DP to take DD out for three hours. I got the house to myself and got the chance to do all the things I needed to do. Is there anyone who could mind DD during the week, any friends or family? Or could you hire a regular babysitter who comes into your home or takes DD for a walk?

It sounds like a very stressful situation and I really feel for you. I hope you can come up with a solution that suits both you and DD. It's not easy working out the right thing to do, that's for sure.

I agree PP, I don't think she's ready and I'd be pulling her out too - I think you've done the right thing.

She's still very young, my DD didn't start any type of care till she was 3 and she took to it like a duck to water, not a single tear from day one. I was very lucky but I think she was also very ready!

If you are interested in her socialising with other children a bit more, I'd suggest play group. We did this for about 12 months before DD started preschool. She loved it, I was there with her so it wasn't stressful for either of us, she got to play with other kids and it got us both out of the house.

A good suggestion MR bought up was putting her in CC 2 days a week? Nina intially used to go to daycare 3 days a week while I worked, and when I finished work when pg, I dropped her down to 1 day week. When Emily arrived, I found I needed that 2nd day to get things in order. So she's now back to 2 days a week, and that's how she'll be staying.

Thanks mantaray :hugs:
I have thought over the 2 days a week but it is hard enough to afford 1 day a week atm now that i am not working.

All the reasons you listed were reasons for me doing so - a day for myself, a day for herself without bub#2 around etc. It just feels wrong though - you know when you dont get that feeling.

i am looking in to playground australia and perhaps getting her to a playgroup (at the moment we have mothers group 1 day a week) but i like the idea of organised play and doing this 1 days a week with her. It will be easier when #2 is a baby and not moving around as i can keep #2 in a sling or carrier and have DD play with other children this way perhaps until she is a little oldeR?

Maybe you are right & she's just not ready.
Do you leave her at all out side of DC?
Most children will have this sort of reaction. (Mine have been good so far!)
It is because when you are leaving they think you are leaving & not coming back.
Thats why most centres encourage you to say good bye & that you'll be back instead of sneaking out. After a few weeks the child will usually realise that you WILL be back.
Maybe you could just leave her for about an hour at a time to start with til she calms down a bit, then gradually leave her longer.
An hour is only a short time til she see's you again & she hopefully won't get so distressed & worked up in that time.
Just make sure you reassure her every time that you will be back soon.
Maybe you could even leave something of yours with her, so she knows you'll be back for it? A bangle, or a hair clip or something small?

I put DD1 into DC the first time at 16 months for a few hours at a time & she was fine initially. After 2 - 3 weeks she started to get upset, but was fine with in an hour or so.
After a few more weeks she was fine.
DD2 didn't start till she was 3. & she's been fine. The second she walks in the door I'm forgotten about & its been like that from day one!

If its too much for you, don't push it. But just the hour at a time for a while might be what she needs.

This probably has come up before, but have you considered Family Daycare instead? She may be more suited to it. Also you might be able to do 2 half days, which might be easier on her.

I remember it taking a while for DD1 to get used to care and I was just using occasional care at about 9 months so I could go to appointments. What helped was having her babysat by a friend who I visited a lot, so she was used to the person and the place. She still got upset, but it helped to ease her into time away from me. Once she got better at that she was able to do a short day (9-3.30) at childcare when she turned 1. Also by that time DH had been having her by himself for 3-4 hours, even with him she still missed me. Now at 3 she asks to go to childcare, but that could be due to me being a bit of a grumpy bum at the moment :redface:

Astrid - yes i have looked in to family day care., There is on in my area but i am a little miffed that they will not let me meet the carer unless i pay a joining fee up front. :(

I dont really leave her anywhere. DH had her 2 days a week when i worked (weekends) and she was never fussed or cried.

It really isnt a matter of needing a babysitter though

:hug: You poor thing. Sounds like she needs her mummy. I think you did the right thing deciding to take her out. Don't worry I wouldn't have handled it either. :hug:

PP: I trialed my DS2 in day care later last year as he starts school next year but it didn't go so well and was 4 at the time.. I was also pregnant and I stood out the fron bawling while Dh took him in. I don't cope well with separation... so don't feel bad about crying.. I also saw a mum who looked as though she was on her way to work. She came out the car sat down and bawled.. So I think we all do it.. or at least most of us :lol:

If it is just for the socail side of things I would try playgroup.. I personally don't like playgroup. I just feel like I don't belong but I know they are a great place to have fun...

PP you may find that in a few months she is ready and you can try again. It's a big change for her and she still needs you. She is probably more aware of the baby coming than she lets on and is clinging to you for extra security.

Have you tried an occasional care centre? I wouldn't try it until she's a bit more over this experience, but your local council should be able to point you in the direction of your closest centre. You pay for the hours you use it, but it isn't a regular 'day' (in fact, it's usually just a few hours) and it might give you the break you need without her needing to last all day without you. You ring them a day or so beforehand and let them know you'd like to come, so if she isn't well you don't have to forfeit a day you've already paid for either.

i did a lot of research into all the care centre in my area and none of them do occasional care.
:(

Hey Pink,
I'm not a fan of family day care.Try mother's groups or playgroup, until she is ready to go.

Cathie:p

PP in my experience, the benefits of FDC are so great that it's worth just paying the fee and starting to meet some carers. You don't have to accept the first carer they give you. Both of my DDs *never* cried when I left them in FDC but the few times i put them in a centre (out of necessity) it was always traumatic for them.

Also, the registration fee is more than offset when you consider that if you try her at another centre, you may end up paying 2 weeks notice that you don't use (if it doesn't work out).

Thanks PP!

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I wonder if i can convince DH to spend the money on a cleaner for me instead 1 day a week? lol

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Actually I think this is a great idea - with the new baby on the way something has to give and for now its not going to be CC for your DD.

Do you like anzac cookies (I am hooked on them!) if so I will PM you a recipe... can't take the credit though its one of my baby buddies' recipes ;)

Thanks Cathie! Yes we have mothers group she goes to and plays already but seems to have changed in her manner since being at cc - ie cries when one of the children come near her (and she has been meeting regularly with this group for over 5 months now). Will look into playgroup 1 day a week

marydean - thanks for your comments. I might just see how i go with her at home for a while until she is older. I mean she is a baby still isnt she. But yes will look into FBC next i think.

Pixie - can you make anzac biscuits with banana - i have a heap of oats and ripe bananas....

Hmmm, not so sure about anzac banana bikkies! But I'm certain that the bear could track down a recipe that uses oats and bananas - I'll get him on to it when he gets home in an hour or so :)

PP,

I put Charlie into daycare one day a week when he was about 18 months old to secure a place in my childcare centre of choice, and it was terrible, he was miserable, I was miserable and I was sure it wasn't going to work. But the centre director suggested I put him in 2 days a week, and it actually got better. Now he's going 4 days a week and loves going.

Whether he wasn't ready to start with, or whether the increased days made it more 'normal', I don't know, but 1 day a week just didn't seem to work for him.

But I do agree, she probably doesn't need it for socialisation reasons, but if you want some time out, that's fair enough too. FDC didn't work out for me as I didn't have a lot of choice wrt to carers (there was only one in my area with a vacancy, and I didn't take to her) so I'd be reluctant to pay first too. I hope you find a happy solution, but do remember, sometimes it takes a bit of trial and error to find the right 'balance' with daycare.

PP, I haven't read the other replies, Im lazy LOL.

I didn't start Evan in care till he was 3. I felt it was more a "preschool" then simply child care.
What I did with him & any good center should let you do the same is to come in & stay with her for a an hour or so & then you BOTH go home. I did this almost every day if not every other day for about a month before I actually left Evan. This gave him plenty of time to get use to the carers', the new environment, toys, kids etc.
We got a few tears the first few times I left but it didn't last. I trusted their word that this was the case as I would call before i left the area, so I would walk over to the shops & get bread etc if I needed too & before heading home ( I would walk) I called & I know I would have been able to hear him if he was still upset.
What I did find happen though was after about 4 weeks of 1 day a week in care he became more clingy at home. I couldn't go to the toilet with out him in a panic of whre I was. I spoke with the preschool & they said he was coping fine there. But I still thought about pulling him out seems it was at home he had troubles. But we stuck with it & it got better pretty quick.

So If you can I would maybe ask if you can still come in 2 or so days a week to help her get use to it all. Go in for morning tea then leave after an hour or so. They should not charge you for this. YOU are still looking after her & she is still your responsibilty while you are there.
Personally for me if they don't encourage you do do this then find somewhere else to take her.

BUT when you do leave her, don't hang about, Drop her off let her know you will be back, a kiss, good bye & walk away. then maybe come back after lunch rather then a full day the first few times so she knows you will be back.

But also at the end of the day if you feel she isn't ready & you don't need her to be there then keep her home. I was told kids don't need or seek out social interaction with kids their age untill about 3. Before that they are quite happy with Mum & dad as long as they are playing games & providing that fun & stimualtion. Play group, Outing etc. At this age kids are all about themself. So if you don't need it then keep her with you.

thanks pixie mmm yummo lol!

Sushee - i have been told this alot that 1 day a week is not enough for them to fit it. She is also in the 15months - 2.5 years group (she will be 15 months next week) so maybe they are a little rough for her - where as the nursery was too baby for her... omg i have no idea

FJ - I think it will be best like you said to pull her out until she is older and needs that interaction prior to prep. (dont worry about not reading all the post lol! - i have read yours about your little one and i know you are having a stressful morning yourself!). I can have her here at home, it isnt an issue - i was really doing it for her and it seems to do nothing but up set her. so it cant be a good thing.

I am going to pic jer up in about an hour.. i pray and hope she isnt crying when i get there!

I've found that children who attend one day a week generally need up to 6 weeks to settle in. Children who come three days a week need up to 2 weeks to settle. The difference is not the number of days, it's that they need 5 or 6 goes to realise that it's OK. I estimate that about 1 in 20 children need longer than this.
I know you can't change things now that you did, but her first day in care, especially if you're at home, should have been really short (like 3 hours, or even 2 if you knew she'd been crying, and I'd have called you if she cried for more than 1 hour) It's something to think about next time you give it a go - the more gradual entry is always a winner. Yeah, you're not getting "value for money" (At $70 per day that works out at $30/hr!) but in the long run, it is more worthwhile.
It is absolutely OK to cry; I know loads of mums who have done it, although very few do it where we can see! When I do see it though, it reminds me of how important my job is and makes me want to pour a little more love into all the children!
As for your other options, you could get an awesome cleaner for less than a day at childcare, so I say go for it! You can convince your DH!
Alternatively, get some "home help" in after you have number 2, see if they can clean while you leave the baby at home, and you go out and have some special time with your DD. That way, your house gets cleaned, and you get a bit of time off. There are loads of nannies out there who do afterschool work that would love a few hours before 2:30.
I hope it all works out for you!

Maybe after you pulled her out you cna find a NICE :) casual care centre, where you can leave her 1 hour or 4, depending on her and you.
That might be the right "settling"into separation thing. It certainly helped with my little one, he took ages but now, I can leave him "everywhere" and he is fine....

Good luck to you PP
:hug:

I am sure everyone has given good advice. I would do one of two things:
1. Take a big step backwards with daycare. Take her there and spend time there with you there for as long as you can (I did half a day) then you both go home again. Do this a few times before you take her there by herself. Allow her to spend one on one time with the carers. Spend a few minutes at a time out of the room and come back in. She has to start making a connection of you coming back.
2. Pull her from childcare and take her to playgroups instead. That way you can show her how to socialise the way you think is appropriate and she doesnt feel that she will leave.

I hope this helps. I personally dont think it is a matter of her just having to get used to it. You can do it slowly if you really believe that she will get a benefit out of being there. I think she can get a benefit out of childcare but she has to first have a really strong relationship with her carer.
Big hugs!

Oh hun i just posted a similar thread - i know how you feel you feel like a monster leaving them there when they just want you.. its really hard isnt it
our little ones are pretty much the same age Lee is 15 month on the 7th Sept - and this is his week 3 too.. and they said the same thing to me aswell that he needs to go more than once a week to settle in..

Mine was good the 1st 2 weeks its just this week he lost it.



:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

thanks girls for everything!
When i picked her up yesterday all the other kids were down for their sleep (they go down at 1130) and DD was running around by herself while they were asleep as she doesnt go down until 1 or 2pm lol. ANd i tol dthem not to bother forcing her as it would only end in more stress for her being forced to sleep when she isnt tired,

I told them i am taking her out and they were all upset as they said she did much better this week and joined in the activities after her morning cry. I didnt give specifics - just told them it isnt thecentres fault just personal issues the DH and I need to sort out.

She will go for another 2 weeks(im paid up) then i am going to be a full time SAHM. (well i guess since i stopped work i am anyhow)

Going to call a few playgroups today and perhaps join those for one off a week meets.