Is she too reliant on me?

I'm sitting here closs to tears listening to my poor baby girl screaming so hard. Aaron is holding her & trying to calm her down, but it's just not working. She will not calm down for anyone but me. Last week she was screaming with my mum & when she caught sight of me she stopped & starting chatting away. Should I just go in & take her off Aaron & calm her down or do I need to help her learn that daddy will protect her & look after her as well?????

It's so so hard listening to her cry, but it's also very hard being the only one that can settle her down.

HELP!!

:hug: I know how you feel.
Can't help with what to do though.
I hope it gets better soon.

Awwwwwww Sarah :hug:

I know how horrible it is.

But honestly.. if it were me... I'd settle her myself. She is still so young and there is lots of time to teach her that daddy is a hero too....

:hug:

Go in there, I think that's what your instincts are telling you to do. Calm her down, then give her to A, and stay in the room, helping her to stay relaxed while also trusting her dad.

From reading your post I would say no Juliette isn't too reliant on you. Can Aaron comfort Juliette by holding her and you be in the room also where she can see your face?

Aw Sarah! Hang in there love! Myles went through the same thing at about that age too! I wish i had DH to help me settle him but he is a shift worker so i had to do all the settling! Myles can now be comforted but DH and my mum so dont worry about her not being able to settle for anyone else. She will begin to know who is safe, but maybe she just needs you now!
Hope you can realx and your precious baby girl can settle! Good luck x

rip the t-shirt your wearing off, and go and lay it against her while she is in aarons arms. i had to do the same thing for aston when he was about the same age. I went out for the first time without for a massage, and DH called me just as I finished, distressed, with aston screaming on the end of the phone. when I got home he was still crying and DH was as equally distressed, thinking he can't do anything. I ripped my tshirt off, and laid it against aston, while he was still in DH's arms, and he settled straight away.

If that doesnt work, go and give her a cuddle hun. She will work out soon enough that daddy is just as wonderful as mummy, and then mummy will feel sad that she isn't needed as much. :hug:

I feel your pain.

DS got to the stage where if he even thought DH was going to reach for him he would scream. It was hard on all of us but especially DH who got really sad that DS wouldn't go to him.

I wish I had just persisted earlier rather than waiting until almost 1. It was so hard doing every day and night shift when if DH went in to him he would only scream louder. Thankfully now is much better and DS has started reaching out for his Dad.

It is hard but she is with Daddy, she is safe. Perhaps go up to her whilst DH is holding her and stroker her hair and sing to her so she knows that you are still there.

I hope she settles soon.

:hug:

Spring

Hi, I can relate to how you are feeling. When Cooper was very young, (he just turned 2) I was the only one who could settle Cooper. I am a single Mum and have lived with family since he was born, and it was hard because both of my parents wanted to be able to help, and he only wanted me.

Well, lets say a lot of that has changed! He is still a 'mummys boy' but the last few months, if Cooper wakes up at night, the only one who can put him to sleep is my Dad. I tried resettling him in the night quite a few times, but nope, Dad has got the magic touch.

Even if he is having a tantrum, the one who will talk sense into him, is again, my Dad.

So all I can say is if you feel you want to step in and just comfort her, go with your instincts. Really she is still young, and when I look back at when Cooper was that age, I can understand that he only wanted his Mummy cause they are still so attached to us.

Be strong, I know it will get better for you :comfort:

I gave in!! It just breaks my heart when she is so upset :( Daddy had the magic touch with Zander, but I suppose he had a lot more contact with feeding him bottles each night.

Vx I'll try taking my top off next time, I hadn't read that before I went in.

DS had really bad seperation anxiety from about 5 months. He didn't even want DH. We tried DH doing all the fun stuff, carrying around old breast pads, giving a bottle of ebm... nope, DS wanted me. Even joint cuddles (held by me and us both hugged by DH) weren't always welcome.

Therefore we let him have me as much as possible - I cooked with him on my hip, I showered playing peek-a-boo (DS hates showers too), I co-slept and DH had a camp-bed in another room.

Then DS grew up, got over it, knew that Mammy and Da both loved him and enjoys life. He was 11m before DH would try to take him on his own though!

Don't know what I'd do if I had to look after an older child at the same time as well though.

You weren't giving in Sarah - you were doing what needed to be done. Now put that whip away and stop being unkind to yourself! Let me know if the doing the tshirt thing works. :hug: hun

Every bubba is different, and thats ok. Paris was a daddy's girl (although now she's a mummy's girl LOL) and Seth is and always has been a mummy's boy. Even when I thought he wasn't because he wasn't cuddly he wasn't cuddly with everyone at that time. I honestly think you do whats right for you. She's still so small, if you aren't comfy with it then its fine, but if you need a break and you leave her with him she isn't going to break. Do what is best for you and best for Juliette, and only you and Aaron can know that.

Its so hard :hug:

Bonnie only loved me for a very long time... now she is a daddy's girl :) In fact I think they were all a bit like that. It's tough, but she will understand when she gets a bit older.

Maybe have play time with all three of you but focus mostly on Dad, and you get up and leave for a sec and come back before any tears?

Hi Sarah,
it is so hard not to go in especially if your are trying to let dad take some of the settling responsibility. You didn't give in either you just followed your instinct.
My DS is definitely a mummy's boy & will only settle for me & as I am a SAHM & don't have any other children this suits us ATM (it could change at any moment - he is teething :cryinglaugh:) I think he is starting to go through the seperation thing as he is not going to daddy as much as he was (turns his head everytime dad kisses him) I figure he won't be like this forever.
I have been told the t-shirt thing works so definitely give it a try & if you want/need dad to be able to settle her then you may need to persist but if it isn't that important yet maybe give it some more time & your DP & Zander can have some quality boy time while you are settling your little girl. Goodluck & HTH

Reminds me of my Sam.....she was and still is very clingy. She is nearly 1 year old and is only just, just OK with going to my mum or my dad, whom i see weekly. In the past should we go to a family event, or see friends, i would often have to hold Sam the whole time coz she just would not go to anyone else. Scream if i put her down, scream if i gave her to her daddy....it was easier for me to just hold her.....

She's been on this planet for 3 months or so.....i think its lovely in a way she has bonded with you......my mum used to always say it was coz i breastfed her....but i dont know if there is truth to that, as i breastfed all my girls....but makes you wonder i guess.

I was a single parent even before I was a single parent so I've never been in this exact situation, but I think either situation is fine. She's only a lil'un and if you want to go get her off DH when she cries, that's perfectly okay! But she'll be okay with him too if you leave them to it. She'll be fine as long as some one's there looking after her.

Mitchell, who is now 8, was like this. He would not settle for anyone but me, didn't even like to be held or played with by anyone but me. Nearly drive me insane, LOL. I think the t-shirt thing is a great idea.
Jack is the total opposite, he'll go to anyone, fell asleep in his grandmothers arms the other day and she'd only seen him a couple of times.

Sarah, if she were 12 years old and only you could settle her when upset, I'd say 'yes, too reliant'!
I don't know quite how he came about it, but my DP came to understand and accept that DS would only settle with me mostly. He had seen from friends and family experiencet that his time would come. Guess what? It did! Without forcing the issue, either. And still, there are plenty of times that DS will still need only me for consolation. But he's only 2. Before I know it, he'll only want to follow Daddy into the shed for comfort and realise that 'shed time' is a good stress reliever.
It's not personal, it's biological that babies turn to mummies for comfort - it's programing! When there is no mummy around for tragic reasons, babies adjust and realise it's only Daddy that can tend to their needs. Otherwise, if there's a mummy, why deny her?
Sounds like you know what to do :) It's hard when Daddy feels a bit rejected and can't quite get beyond that to realising it's natural. Daddies definitely get their time (as well as grannies and grandads!).

Just a thought...........at settling time, or when your little one is struggling, how about you begin by holding her, as you know she will quieten but at the same time DH holds both of you so your little one is snuggled just as close to your DH's chest and then after doing that a couple of times, swap who holds her.....even exchanging during the cuddle but stay close. All the while tell her how lovely daddy is, how much you love him and he loves you AND your little one. Then slowly over time, start loosening your hold until you are maybe able to just lay your head on DH's shoulder with a hand on your daughter.........and so on.

It might sound like a crazy idea but we did this with DD#2 to a small degree and it seemed to help. With another little one to care for, I can't be strapped to DD#2 all the time and it seems silly if DH is there as DD#1 needs me as well and she's still little in her own right so I want DD#2 to learn that actually Daddy rocks just as much as mummy :D There are sometimes when I can't be there, ie if I had to head out in car etc and it did feel weird to see her sad but DH would say, as soon as I'm out of sight, within minutes she's like, mummy who? Now she waves and says, "Eee-yah!" Nice... :rolleyes: lol!!!

Having said that, she is a bit older so that makes a difference, but just a thought anyways.

Just wanted to say thanks for the thread. I'm having the same issue with my 4 month old DD. Usually DH can settle her too, but sometimes she just loses the plot and cries and screams (yes screams!) if too many people are in her face goo-ing and ga-ing at her. It just annoys me how people (MIL) make me feel bad about it, like i've sheltered her and I have made her clingy to me - I haven't! I hope it's just a phase and if it's only me and DH that she feels safe with so be it.

:) Kristin, my mum made me feel I was doing something "wrong" too (and told me so in as many words).

But MiL annoyed me more. Every time DS cried, she started saying "waa, waa, waa". I mean, what was that about? But if DS's crying wasn't stressing me, MiL's annoying calls certainly were getting me ready to bite someone's head off.

Remind me of this when my children have babies please!

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Every time DS cried, she started saying "waa, waa, waa". I mean, what was that about?

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That is SO rude! Imagine if someone did that to her when she was upset! Also, it reminded me of one of the mothers in my mothers group...she does this to her daughter :rolleyes: What kind of human being is she shaping, when she refuses to model empathy...or even sympathy? This is the kind of person who is terrified of anyone being reliant on her, even when it's the natural course of things (i.e. your offspring and their survival instinct!)...needless to say, she didn't think much of the breastfeeding relationship and it lasted only weeks (she hated being so at her daughter's disposal even from the beginning...interesting girl, just devoid of sentiment for some reason).
Anyway, RH, how bloody rude of your MIL, DS's 'loving' grandmother!

THANK YOU, Mayaness! Apparently it's good to repeat what Baby says; this makes Baby play babbling games. Yup, that's why I babble back at him, as well as talk like a normal human being. But to just mimic his cries without any "hush-ush my darling, Mammy's here, tell me about it all now" or the like... I just REALLY hated it and it got my stress levels up. Bad enough one crying baby without someone else joining in!

The craziest thing is i know a mum at my MG who does this and her kids cry ALL. THE. TIME. My DD has always had my sympathy whenever she cried. Even if she cries because i take something she's not allowed from her i will follow up with an "I know honey but that's dangerous/for later/mama's. Life can feel unfair can't it?" and snuggle her. When she falls over i always make little of the injury while makeing much of her response, so if she falls unless it was obviously a really bad one i stand her back up and say "Sweetie PIE, oh darlin that must of hurt when you fell down, is it ok?!" and let her know that i HEAR her.

I now have a kid who threw herself backwards off the sofa yesterday and landed on her head on laminate flooring and said "OW!" then carried on playing - she doesn't NEED to cry and cry to have her experiences and emotions validated! THis mum often says "Oh, yours NEVER cries" and i just think to myself emotional resilience comes from feeling trust, not experiencing ignorance!

Bx

Rosehip Fairy LMAO I also say to DD when she cries 'tell me all about it'. It's her only way of expressing herself and that's what she's doing, I don't understand why people think babies are being naughty when they cry - they're just communicating!


Has anyone had success leaving mummys shirt with DH or a babysitter?

:hug: Sarah, this is a bit late but I so know how you feel. If I'm in the bath and Jazz starts crying I know I have to get out because as much as Shel wants to settle her she just can't. It upset Shel for a while until I explained that Jazz just needs to know that her boobies haven't gone anywhere, cos its instinct you know, babies want to be near the person that nourishes them because otherwise how would they live? It can be so frustrating though (but it kinda makes me feel special :lol:).

Grrrrrrrr I know just how you all feel about people who have absolutely NO empathy to a crying baby. SIL came around yesterday (first time in a few weeks...) and picked Jazz up (while she was playing happily BTW :angry:) and Jazz cried and SIL just laughed her head off saying "oh, aren't you a sooky baby!"... I just wanted to take Jazz and b!tchslap SIL! She's not sooky! You're a stranger who just grabbed her without warning and interrupted her play! What do you expect?!?!?! Made me so mad!
BTW, Shel and I also say "aww, its ok, tell us all about it, oh lifes hard for a baby huh!".

Will try the shirt thing and see how that goes.

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It upset Shel for a while until I explained that Jazz just needs to know that her boobies haven't gone anywhere

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...Shel could always lactate, then you could both be booby mummies!

PMSL I love to say that just to watch her face! She's not really interested in that unfortunately, but thats ok I don't mind cos I love the special bfing time (it gets me out of cooking :lol:)

I figured you may have already explored this question ;)
I reckon I'd be a bit possessive about it, too, in a similar situation - if men could lactate, there's not much chance I'd be encouraging DP to take over or fill in for me...it's just something boy and me can escape to!