Can't believe it

I'm not sure what I write and even if I can.
To all the girls in the first tri, sorry I just can't go there at the moment.
I had my first ob appointment yesterday. They did an internal scan and almost immediately I knew that something wasn't right. Nothing on the screen was moving and the dr said "This is not what it's supposed to look like". I was meant to be 10 weeks 2 days. Baby had no heartbeat and measured only 8-9 weeks.
I know the dr said that it is common and there is no reason, but why??? Why so much pain, and why us? That must sound so selfish but I am in such shock at the moment and can't imagine this pain ever going.
I have to have a curette on Thursday.
How do I move on????

Oh Wheatie, I'm so sorry. Reading your post today took me straight back to the raw-est of feelings. My heart truely goes out to you. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

My experience was not unlike yours and know that feeling how you cant believe it's happening to you. I went for a scan at what I thought was 9 weeks (purely to see how many were in there as my sister is pushing 40 and just had twins) for my first pregnancy. I went to the sonographer one lunchtime from work all excited and completely thinking nothing would be wrong and I'd have a picture of a funy little blob to scan and email my DH. I'd told him not to worry about coming to this scan as the next one will be more exciting.

As soon as the sonographer was looking at the screen I could see her hiding concern. There was the little 'shape' of the baby but no heartbeat. It had died 2 days earlier. I felt like I was in a bad movie and it wasnt happening to me. I went back to work on this stange 'auto pilot' but came home and literally collapsed in tears when it finally hit. I couldnt even face a shopping center for weeks for risk of seeing every pregnant person under the sun.

I know you'll find it heard to believe, but there really was nothing you can do, and as soon as you start talking to the wonderful girls here who have all been through the same pain, you'll realise how ridiculously common it is. I went through two weeks of blaming myself for everything until I got the tests results back from the D&C where, just like most of them, there was a chromosomal 'error' where some information get's lost among all the cell division. Sometimes that lost info isnt needed for some weeks into development, but when it is required for that next stage of development, things just stop.

You are lucky in a way that you havent passed the baby yet and have a good chance at some explanations...but the cruel thing is it doesnt change the outcome.

Please do make the most of talking to these girls, I cant tell you how much it helps that someone understands the pain and there's bucket-loads of support. I know it's hard to believe now, but that shocking stab in your heart does subside. The loss is always in your memory and heart and hopefully you will find a way to remember the little one you lost (I bought a little teddy bear charm which is now on my bracelet but other girls here have had beautiful ideas). One day you find you dont have to forget that little one, but just tuck it away in your heart and look to the future.

take care

Oh Wheatie, Your poor darling, I am so so sorry.

Your post echoes my own thoughts of two years ago when the exact same thing happened to us, so I really know your pain.

At the moment you will be feeling numbing shock. Believe it or not, the pain, with time, does get easier to bear, and you just have to get through the stages of grief. My heart goes out to you.

Most importantly, take care of yourself.

In terms of how to move on, all I can do is tell you what worked for me. I was a total wreck and after my D&C just thought I couldn't carry on. I slept for a few days and then my first reaction was to go for a swim. I then went swimming every night for months. It didn't take the pain away, but all that swimming everynight did make me feel like I could at least cope.

Take care.

Pukeko and Lucy - thank you so much for your replies. I really feel like I need to talk about it with people that really understand, so it does help. It makes me start crying every time again but that is normal I guess. It's so much better talking to people who have gone through it, most other people don't know what to say.

Pukeko - do they usually do tests as part of the d&c? Or do I have to ask for these? If it can provide any reasoning, it would be some consolation at least.

I am so sorry that both of you have been through this as well.

Lucy - you give me such great hope because you now have such a beautiful girl. I hope we can be that lucky soon.

Hi Soph

Yes talking to other people who it has also happened to is INVALUABLE. I cant say that enough. It was a struggle for me at first as DH is a REALLY private person and didnt really want to tell anyone (still doesnt) but the minute I confided in a few close girlfriends at work and one of them started reeling off not only her own experiences..but those who work around me who I had no idea about, i instantly felt a sense of relief. It helped me to believe how common it was and that there really is nothing I could do.

As for the tests, my Ob (yes like you I only made it to my first appt) is Dr Nick Lolatgis who is one of the expert panel from this site. As soon as I had the scan with the bad news, the sonographer rang him in his rooms (just upstairs from the scanning dept) and he came to see nme straight away. I had a D&C within 48 hours (I was in a daze so just went along with what he suggested). Two weeks after the D&C I got a letter in the mail from the lab (prepare yourself when they describe your precious bub as 'products of conception') with the result of what happened. Dr Lolatgis also gets a copy of this, then he rang me for a chat and to see if I wanted to come and talk at length about it. In my case there was no real need as the test results came up with a missing chromosome (the most common chromosomal error) called Turners syndrome and once he explained this particular type happens to ANYONE, I didnt feel I needed to look at further testing of DH or myself. I guess one thing I did find out (as Turner's syndrome only happens to females) is my bub was a girl..which at the time was sad, but has now given me an 'identity' to grieve.

Having said this, I may have been lucky and even with testing they still might not find an actual cause. Do ask you Ob as it's well worth it in the long run to help you stop blaming yourself as well as mking the decision to try again (I was terrified of trying again for weeks).

DO be sure to talk to us. :hugs:

Oh Wheate :hugs:

Sorry to hear about your loss matey. Just letting you know that we are thinking of you.

Love :hbeat:

Aww Soph!!!, I can't believe it!!! I am soooooooooooooo sorry. I have tears right now!! Everything was suppose to be ok!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Don't know what to say.... will be thinking of you.
Tanya

Wheatie

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: sorry to hear of your loss.

Cry all you like it does help. Hope they are able to find out why for you.

Come and chat to the girls they are a great help and understand what you are going through.

Thinking of you heaps.

Hi Soph,

If you need to talk, cry, scream, or anything, just let me know? I so totally understand your pain. If everything is making you cry, that is probably a good thing: let it all out. And I believe that crying a lot helps speed up the grief process.

I'm glad my little Olivia gives you some hope. Our TTC journey was a long and painful one. 3 years of trying, a horrible loss, so much emotional heartache. And after our loss it was our first instinct just to try and get pregnant again straight away. My OB made a good point, though, and that was "whilst physically you may be in great shape, you need to wait until you are both emotionally ready before you start trying again."

We waited 8 months before trying again, and I am glad we waited that long, as it really gave me a chance to deal with the grief of our loss.

Needless to say I still think about my little angle every day, and it is a cruel cruel way to lose a baby: I felt like our furure had been stolen from us.

But I promise you the pain does lessen and you will amaze yourself at your inner strenghth over the next few weeks.

Again, If you need to talk, cry, scream, or anything, just let me know?

Take care,

Wheatie,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. I can hear how much pain you are in and my heart goes out to you.

Any time you need to talk and let it all out please come and post in here. There is usually one of us girls floating around that will be more than happy to reply. We will all understand the emotions that you are feeling right now. I know that I filled many a page with my posts when I first lost my daughter and someone was always here to listen. All the girls helped me through and hopefully we can do the same for you.

I'm thinking of you and sending you heaps of :hugs: :hugs:

Oh my goodness guys your support is phenomenal. Thank you so much. I have been reading each of your own stories in this section too, crying all the time of course. Why does there have to be so much heartache? This is just all too common, no woman should have to feel this pain.

I rang my ob and they are going to do the chromosomal tests. It may or may not give us some answers, but I am glad now that I have said that I want to have them done.

I am still feeling nothing. No pains, no bleeding or anything. In a way I hope it stays that way until Thursday so at least I can have the tests done.

My lovely DH - it's so rare to see him cry. But he was totally sobbing as he told his family. Very heart-renching. He's usually such a macho aussie guy. I love him so much. As he says, it didn't take us very long to fall pg in the first place (3 months) and I am young and we have time, and best of all we have each other. There are people that don't even get to this stage of being pg. I am hoping it will all happen again in the not too distant future. Although I am going to be so scared when/if it does. But you all know about that don't you.

I feel like I am just ranting. I just don't know what to do. Can't eat, can't sleep. The day in Brisbane is drizzly and grey for a change. I think it reflects my current emotional status somehow.

The thing is that this is so common, and yet you don't hear about it until it happens to you or someone close by. My mother said she hadn't heard of this happening before and I felt almost as if I was convincing her that it was quite common. Last night alone, one of my close friends (I knew about her experiences) talked to me, and then to my suprise the same thing happened to 2 of my SIL. They both rang with lovely words of support and tears themselves. So I guess while the pain may fade, it will always be there.

Ok enough of my jibberish for now. I'm at least going to drink some water and maybe try some fruit. Definately not hungry or in the mood for anything though.

Thank you again. I will need you guys still.

Oh Wheatie,

So sorry to hear of your loss. My heart goes out to you & your family.

Your story sounds exactly like mine, no pain, no bleeding, no nothing. Just a sense of emptiness. I am also going for a D&C on Thursday. My body just doesn't seem to want to let go.

Hang in there. The heartache will ease.

Nikki and Soph,
I am so, so, sorry to see what has happened to you both. I followed your journey in TTC and your happiness and now your sadness. I also had a miscarriage at 9 weeks with my first angel but a year later was pg. again and now have a precious 2 yr old. You just have to move through this terrible time, with all the support you can and at the other end in, when you do get a little bundle of joy, this pain will fade. thinking of you on this terrible day.

Dear Soph & Nikki,
I am so very sorry to read of your losses of your precious babies. It is never easy & often unexplainable as to why it happened. However unlike you when I lost my son, Alex, earlier this year my u/s's were the other way around. He had a strong heartbeat but we knew because my waters had broken & he had no fluid left around him he stood no chance of survival. It is an absolutely heartbreaking event & even now thinking about him is enough to take my breath away with hurt. We thought we were past the magical "safe" 12wk mark (I lost Alex at 18w5d gestation) when it all went wrong.
Just let yourself be where ever you need to be emotionally & try not to put too much pressure on yourselves to return to "normal" too quickly. And as Pukeko said prepare yourself for how the medical world will classify your little one. It can be a heartbreaking moment to hear your baby spoken of without feeling. Know that to you it was always a baby & that is all that matters.
Take care of yourselves & feel free to rant, rave & vent here whenever you need it.

OMG Soph, I am so deeply sorry for your loss matey. I am in tears right now. I'm totally shocked. HUGE :hugs: :hugs: to you and DH. My thoughts are with both of you at this sad time. :cry:

And Nikki, I am also so deeply sorry for your loss. I can't believe it. HUGE :hugs: :hugs: to you and the family. My deepest thoughts are with all of you during this time of loss. :cry:

Take Care guys I am trully thinking of both of you

Kazz & co \:D/
Nicholas 26/10/02

Wheatie

When you feel ready please come and join the girls in TTC after m/c and loss even if you will not be trying for a while. They can be a great help for you.

Will be thinking of you Thursday :hugs:

I also had no pain or real bleeding when i m/c i only had spotting so i know how you feel.

Once again my absoloute sincerest thanks for all your thoughts. You don't know how much they mean.

Nikki - we can get through this together with all the support here and from our families. I am thinking of you too. I go through phases of thinking 'what if the dr got it wrong?' but I know that is totally irrational. No heart beat and the size. I keep thinking that I am about to wake up from a terrible nightmare and it will be yesterday morning and I will be thinking about my appt later in the day. No such luck.

Ooohh Soph.... HUGE :hugs: to you.

I am so very, very sorry that this had to happen to you. There is absolutely nothing I can say that will help you, but I've been through this too and I'm here if you need me.

Like Tanya, I'm bawling for you as I type this.

Once again.. I'm so very sorry for you and DH having to go through this. Saying it sucks doesn't even come close.

If you need to chat, or just get some feelings off your chest, please email me.

Thinking of you both.... and more :hugs:

Hey Wheatie

If it makes you feel any better, wondering if they got it wrong isnt irrational at all. Either that or being irrational is part of the whole shock thing.

When they first told me there was no heartbeat, the sonographer then went about checking ovaries and other stuff...and I was sure when she got back to the bub I was SURE she was going to say "ooops, I was wrong, there's the heartbeat afterall".

Then in the day leading up to the D&C I literally got all panicky about they'd got it wrong that I asked my Ob to re-check just before doing the procedure. Plus I asked the lady admitting me at the day surgery "do they double check????"....

Then I did this weird bargaining thing that they must have got it wrong as I was still feeling morning sickness etc....

Basically what I'm saying is nothing about this experience is what you expected to happen, therefore nothing you think or feel is irrational and is completely understandable no matter how out-there you think it is. If you think no one in your real life is understanding what you are going through, just pop in here to the ladies who are only too familiar with the pain, shock, heartbreak and downright PG hormonal body and mind altering episodes!

Best of luck with your D&C...it's the road to recovery.

Awww Soph, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There is nothing more I can really say at this time, other than you and DH are in our thoughts at the moment.

Soph I am so sorry..... don't know what else to day.
My thoughts are with you and you DH at this terrible time. :hugs:

Wheatie,

Like everyone else, I am so sorry to hear of your sad news. I also know from experience the heartache you feel. It is interesting that your mum doesn't know of this happening to anyone else, but rest assured, it happens to too many of us. After my first miscarriage, I suddenly 'found' all these women that had been through the same thing. In fact, I think that everyone I spokje to had ether been through it themselve, or at least knoew a sister, mother, wife, SIL etc that had been through it. It is very common. Too common.

I'm glad that you asked for some testing to be done. I have miscarried 6 times now and in the first 2, because they were done in our country town hospital, they didn't bother sending the "products of conception" away for genetic testing. But in my most recent miscarriage (about 2 months ago) my OB (Nick Lolatgis) did get the tissue tested. I have an appointment to see him on the 16th to discuss the results.

Nothing can prepare you for what you have just been through either. Until it happened to me, I always thought that going for an ultrasound would be the most exciting bit - seeing the baby for the first time. It's like a kick in the guts when you hear the fateful words of the sonographer "I'm sorry...."

Hearing your story was just like reliving it again, and you will find so much support from all of us here. It was only just prior to my last m/c that I found this site, and I wish that I had the support from all the girls for all the other times I miscarried or had failed IVF.

Cry all you like and don't feel "silly" or wrong for doing so. It is your body's and mind's way of healing.

Best wishes

Hayseed

Thanks again everyone.
Well another day. Honestly I think I can say that today is a little better. Might not stay that way, but so far I am feeling ok. I just really want tomorrow to be over. Thankfully I am up first thing so this time tomorrow it should be over. Then we can just look forward again. DH and I have decided that we both want to start trying straight away again. The ob said that it would be fine too. Guess my cycle will probably be all out of whack but we will just wait and see what happens.
I am sorry that my story relives alot of pain for other people too. Pukeko you are so right though, the best help is speaking to people who have experience this themselves. My mum and sister who are both interstate keep asking if I want them to come and visit. To be honest at the moment I really don't want them too. Although I know that they are sad too, they don't really know how it feels and I know that both of them find it hard to know what to say.
Tomorrow will be tough and Friday probably more so. But I really think that looking forward is what we all need to do.
I'm going to start joining you girls in TTC after miscarriage and loss forum. Your support has meant so much to both of us.

Dear Sophie and Nikki,

Big Hugs to both of you, im so sorry for the loss of your precious babies.

I hope that by sharing some of my exeriences it helps you to feel not so alone in this experience.

Losing my baby was definately the hardest thing that i have ever had to face in my life and i wondered how on earth i would ever get through it and be a normal person again after such a tragic thing had happened how could i just be me again. I truly think that the experiences changes you as a person forever, for me it really put into perspective what life is all about and i was very frustrated when after 6 weeks i ventured back into the normal world of work to hear people complaining about life's general inconveniences it just made no sense, how people could just carry on when i had lost my baby.

I found that people around me while very sad for my hubby and me didnt really understand what happened to us on the day we lost Katelyn and i think that they never will. They didnt know what to say and some have been quite insensitive or just ignored us. People dont seem to understand that another baby is not the be all and end all answer to making you feel better, it will just take time. I surrounded myself with support from day one of losing her and that is so important. It took me so long to be able to talk to anyone again and 5 months later even though i am over 12 weeks pregnant again i still find it hard living without my daughter.

Please understand that the pain will soften with time, it wont feel so raw but it will always remain. For me i try to remember the happiness that i had in the 18 weeks i was pregnant with Katelyn and focus on the good memories and what she taught us about life. I am so proud to have been her mother even if it was only for such a short time.

Post here as much as you need to, if you look at my story you will see that i have posted so many messages about my feelings about Katelyn. It is also ok to cry you heart out and scream and be angry if this is what feels right at the time. Dont try to look too far ahead just take each hour as it comes and understand that no matter what you feel that it is totally normal. There will be up and down times. No one can tell you how you should feel it is such an individual thing. You will go through a huge range of emotions but you will get through this.

I will never stop loving, missing and grieving for the loss of my precious Katelyn but as the time goes by i am getting to be more at peace with her memory, facing the greiving process is very tough and it is hard to get through but just go easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel.

Remember you are not alone here and everyone on this site is here for you and supports you 100%.

I will be thinking of you both especially on Thursday.

Love Sarah

HI Wheatie and Nicki,

I am sorry for your loss. The wonderful women here really are a help in getting through things and understanding your emotions as you work through it. Big :hugs:

Soph and Nikki,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know what to say except I am thinking of you both and will be thinking of you on Thursday. :hugs:

Nic

Soph I am so sorry sweety. Sorry for taking so long to reply to this post but I was so upset when I read it yesterday I was totally lost for words. My thoughts are with you and DH.

Hugs

Kayla

Soph... I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Wishing you all the best....if there is any "best"

If you're up to it, take a look in the tests for recurrent m/c. I know you haven't had recurrent m/c (hope to god you never do), but there might be some tests other than genetic ones that your OB can do to rule out any problems. I don't think any woman should have to go through 2 or more m/c to find some answers. Just a suggestion, sorry if it's a bit much to cope with at the moment.

Soph I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow. I also had a D&C. I found the day after more diffucult then the actual day. Take your time to grieve and come to terms with what has happened.

But, please keep up with those positive thoughts. By not giving up and looking forward to TTC again, will help some what with the grief. But do take your time.

Do pop in the TTC after M/C forum. The girls are great in there.

Wheatie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm thinking of you and sending you big cyber hugs.

I've suffered 2 m/c's myself and I know just how painful this time is for you right now. I suffered a missed m/c with my first, and a natural m/c with my 2nd and you really don't think that life could be any crueler than suffering a m/c.

As many of the others have said, make sure that you take the time to grieve for your little one. It's such a hard road to travel and it will be difficult for a long time, but in time, you somehow learn to cope.... it's not easy, but you do find a way. When you feel ready, you might even like to think about a special way to remember your little one. I bought a special plant, wrote a poem and a special letter and bought some special angel christmas decorations for our christmas tree so that they are both remembered as part of our family each year. I also put the poem and letter in a special keepsake box together with a little teddy bear that I had bought. These things really helped me come to terms with what had happened. These are just some suggestions, and you should do something if and when you feel up to it, and something you feel comfortable with.

Thinking of you Wheatie....

Wheatie & Nikki,

I cant believe it. I am in shock that this has happened to you both. Being a part of your joy when you announced your pregnancies has made me feel like I felt when my SIL lost her baby. Its very upsetting and I can only hope that you are both ok. I just told DF and even he is in shock.
We both wish you all the hugs and love in the world. Please pass our feelings on to your DH's too.

Lots of love & Hugs at this difficult time
Rowen & Kel & Mia

Oh Soph, I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Huge hugs to you and your DH. It's such a devastating thing to go through. Take care Soph.

Thinking of you.

Soph and Nikki,

I am so sorry that my thoughts are belated, I am sooo sorry for your loss. I know that words can't help you much right now but please take care of yourselves and that we are here if you need us.

Nell