How does co-sleeping actually work?

Hi everyone

I've been pondering our sleeping arrangements for when our baby arrives. I do plan for him to sleep in our bedroom for at least the first 6 months to a year.

I've been thinking about getting an arms reach co-sleeper, so he can sleep right next to me, but still be 'safe' from getting rolled on etc. but this still feels like he might be a little too far away.

I was just hoping that someone could tell me *exactly* what you do with co-sleeping - I don't know how it works in practice. Feel a bit stupid asking what are probably really obvious questions, but here goes...

Where does baby go? I guess he sleeps in the middle of the bed, between mum and dad? If so, how do you stop him from getting covered by your sheets, doona etc? How do you make sure your pillow doesn't get on his face? Do you cuddle baby to you, or do you give him some space? Does co-sleeping often end in the DH being driven from the bed and sleeping elsewhere? Would like to keep him in the bed if possible.

I can't figure out how I can be covered by bedding and have a pillow, but for it not to ride up over the baby.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much!

Devon
xxxx

I co-slept for 2 years with my first son and so far 11 weeks with my second. With both its been different.

My first would literally only sleep if he was held, by this i mean i lay on my side with my arms around him like a cuddle. I am a light sleeper and tend to stay in one place, i would wake up still holding him. He fed hourly too so neither of us fell in to a deep sleep really. Even up to 2 years he still needed to be held to sleep... he's in his own bed now, but myself or husband lay with him until he falls asleep.

With my second son, i just put him in the middle of the bed between my husband and i, but up between our pillows. So his legs come down to my shoulders sort of. Our pillows are about 30cm apart. The quilt goes up to his waist.

I think your instinct kicks in at some point, because at first i felt scared to co-sleep, but then i became so in tune with my first son, that i woke when he was "mouthing" for a feed before he even cried, and i think that comes from being so close together. I became to trust myself that i would instinctually never roll on him.

The kidsafe website has some great co-sleeping tips for safety.

Co-sleeping safety rules:

Babies should NOT sleep in your bed if:
you are very heavy sleepers
you cover baby with a duvet (?doona) or baby is near pillows
you smoke, are drunk, or take illegal ("recreational") drugs
you are excessivly tired
baby should sleep at the edge of the bed, not between parents for risk of overheating

Having said that, DS snuggles in the middle of us, under the duvet, up with a pillow... although at first DH slept in another room so DS could sleep with me safely (his choice - he didn't want to be woken up, although we have co-slept three in a bed on occasion, particularly at my Mum's house). I did at first have DS under a sheet on top of my duvet but my arms got too cold so we snuggled up together under a very light duvet. DS was always in my arms so he couldn't move below the duvet or climb up to the pillows. He wasn't that wriggly either in the first year, which helped my decision.

Practicalities. Well, I started co-sleeping because I'd be falling asleep while feeding DS at night so figured I may as well do it as safely as possible. Took him a while to latch on lying down, but it was worth it. DS always started in a cot next to my bed and came into bed when he woke up. I think if he can raise his head with a blanket on it then he'll be fine with a duvet and pillow, especially as his head's above the duvet and I'm holding him next to me.

DS now likes to sleep alone unless he's teething. When he's teething, he likes my bed, but to lie right in the middle of it, horizontally, and kick. DH gets kicked so hard he's left the bed within ten minutes, but I just have to live with it if I want sleep. DS prefers to sleep alone mostly and if anything is wrong other than teething he screams blue murder if I try co-sleeping.

I don't like co-sleeping with a newborn.. just too nervous really.. coz of the pillows and doonas. We co-slept with DS from about 7 months.

We used an armsreach co-sleeper with DD from day 1, and I think it was fantastic. She was literally arms reach away.. to pat, replace dummy, or pick up for a feed. We've recently moved her to the big cot in our room, but at night she now co-sleeps with us. Inbetween us, between our pillows. She's in a light sleeping bag but is under our blankets up to her waist.

The armsreach is a great option if you're a bit nervous about co-sleeping with a newborn. I will add that we could use the armsreach so long because she slept wrapped for so long. Once they're mobile they shouldn't use it because they can crawl out onto the bed and off the bed! So you could possibly only get four or five months use out of it. But you probably will be comfortable with bub inbetween you by then anyway.

Oh, we also got the arms reach because DS was still coming in through the night and climbing between us, and I didn't want him to clamber in on top of her. heh.

I didn't co-sleep from day dot - probably 4mths onwards, but with the next one I'll probably start earlier. I wore a cardigan to bed in the cold as I had the covers below my chest - DS slept at boob height on top of the covers in his sleeping bag on whichever side he'd fallen asleep feeding from - I have a bedrail on my side so he doesn't fall out.

I want a king size bed so there's spread out room for everyone!

I co-slept the first 4-6 or so months. XP and i split up when she was 8 weeks old so he left the bed then, but it wasn't because of her presence there!!!

He wouldn't let me have her between us. I co-slept because i found having to get up out of bed every time she needed a feed was exhausting and he wasn't willing to help out with that at all. So i slept on the left hand side of the bed. I lay on my left side with my left arm high, stretched out from the shoulder, and my knees pulled up, so from above i was kind of a G-shape, with DD nestled inside. I used my right hand to stroke/cuddle her. I had a pillow or a rolled up towel between her and the edge of the bed, but she was always nestled close - it never "saved" her from a fall or anything. I had a duvet. In the early days (first 2-3 months) i would wrap the duvet over myself just below boob level, and tuck it under me. It was April when she was born and a long-sleeved T-shirt was always fine on chillier nights to keep my top half warm - she was wrapped in a shawl i knitted for her during pregnancy, she slept in that for many months. When she was older i was a bit more free and easy about the whole arrangement because by then i'd realised how in tune to my baby i was. By the time she was 3 months old i didn't even need to wake up properly to feed her, just roll a bit towards (right boob) or away (left boob) from her. I think if i'd been smaller breasted i'd have been able to do that from a lot earlier.

I am traditionally a heavy sleeper but i NEVER EVER slept heavily with her in the bed. I slept better with her there than not too, because waking from a deep sleep 4+ times a night was torture compared to sleeping more lightly but *just barely* waking up to feed her.

I moved DD out of my bed when i got together with DP because i didn't think it appropriate a) for them to spend time together until i was sure we were going to be a long-term thing, and b) that she co-slept with a guy who wasn't her father when we'd only been together a short time.

Because of our lifestyle (he works long hours) we really are the couple who mainly have sex in bed and for that reason i wouldn't co-sleep with a toddler as things stand - we need our alone-time in bed, but i'd definitely co-sleep with my infants. BUT we've been together more than 2 years now, are buying a house soon, and our priority with buying a bed is size, so that our infants can co-sleep and the kids of ANY age can get in with us of a Sunday morning and have a cuddle-up and a chat. :)

Bx

Sorry to hijack but just wanted to comment. I'm really interested to hear other mothers' co-sleeping arrangements. I have "co-slept" or what I refer to as co-slept with my DD but my definition and what co-sleeping is referred to as seem to be different. I won't say how I "co-sleep" as I don't want to get yelled at if it's completely the wrong way to do it, but it's worked fine for me. I'm still interested to hear how other mum's co-sleep e.g. where they put bubba etc..

I was against the idea while PG but after reading that co-sleeping can help the baby to regulate their breathing, as they mimic their mothers' breathing, I felt alot better. I do not "co-sleep" every night with my DD, only the nights she has been unsettled and to date that is about 4 or 5 full nights together and about 10 "naps" of a few hours in the early morning.

Just remembered that in the early days when my let-down was so forceful that she was choking on the first bit of a feed i used to sleep with her on her tummy on my tummy so she'd be feeding "uphill" as it were. It helped a lot with her feeds. In those times i usually wrapped her shawl over both of us or tucked the duvet over her hips.

Bx

Bec, small boobs is harder. Because I have NO give whatsoever, no movement, I had to physically lift DS over me to use the other side... I'd be crushing him if I leant towards him to feed!

I guess a D cup would be great for doing that, but an A cup breastfeeding isn't.

Snowchickie, how did you co-sleep? Just curious; I won't tell you off because I sleep with DS with a duvet, pillows, had a glass of wine, pop him in the middle... so long as you know the risks and make your own judgement then what you do is your own business, not everyone else's to tell you off. But I'm nosy now!

You're right Ryn, when i had G cups i had to lift her over too (same result, different reason, i smothered her with the upper boob if i leaned) but you're right, by the time she was 5 months they were E cups and that for me was perfect. The closest one can flop over the side enough for her to feed and the upper one can dangle enough...lol. Sexy ain't it? ;)

Snowchickie i'm nosy too! LOL. You're a figure of sleepy intrigue now ;)

Bx

I'm nosy too ;)

Plus yeah, we have 2 quilts - one is a feather quilt, pillows, a heavy sleeping dh and sometimes a toddler who comes in the morning... But we take care with these risk factors and i'm so confident in our parental instincts that i wouldn't sleep this way if i felt he was at risk.

The first few weeks here, i slept with the baby on my tummy, him on his tummy off and on through the night as he would not fall asleep any other way. I also don't have to roll over to feed from both sides which is good because the edge of the bed is something i'm not comfortable with.

Devon, i think it will be trial and error in the beginning to find what you are comfortable with and how baby wants to sleep.

We just started out with baby on my side in bed, with the crib [rail down] next to that side, to put baby in. Never ended up doing that but the 'wall' it made was helpful. We took down the crib and used a chair to provide some protection but baby never fell out. Then he was moved in the middle between us and like the other poster said, up at the headboard so baby's feet were around our shoulders. Baby nursed every 2 hrs or less, so usually i just fell asleep with one breast in his mouth, and arm under a pillow so it wouldn't get cold and the other arm with the hand tucked between my legs so it would not fall down and go numb! lol I had my last 2 babies in bed and it is the best for mom getting the rest she needs as well!

Thanks so much everyone for your detailed replies - I can definitely get some good mental pictures of the different ways it can be done now. I guess I'll just have to see how we go. My brother and SIL started co-sleeping with their new baby, but my brother accidentally elbowed him in the head (not hard, but enough to scare my brother) one night, so that was the end of that.

I'm also usually a heavy sleeper, but would imagine that I would be fairly alert if my baby was in the bed with me. I guess it'll also depend on what DH is comfortable with.

Liz - good to hear some feedback on the arms reach co-sleeper. It does sound like a good compromise. I started wondering about the co-sleeping because of the idea that the baby can help regulate his breathing from his mum's breathing. But I imagine that that would require mum and baby to be closer than the arms reach allows.

I think I might get an arms reach just in case, but be open to trying out the co-sleeping in the same bed, and we'll see what works for us.

Thanks again, very helpful.

Devon
xxxx

Hoobley, Rosehip Fairy, MummaB - Thanks for the no yelling reassurance.. I sleep with DD on my belly, laying on her belly but as MummaB said she has also done it.

All references to co-sleeping I've read relate to baby sleeping beside their mums or in a co-sleeping bed and not in actual full contact like I've been doing.

I have also slept with DD on the lounge. We have huge, very firm pillows on our lounge so I remove the one near my head so i can lie flat, DD goes on her belly on my belly, I usually wear long PJ's and my dressing gown for warmth but then wrap a quilt around the middle to lower part of my body, so it just covers DD legs and then I wedge each side of the quilt under my body so it's like a big present being wrapped up. That way bubba can't slide anywhere. I then wedge the second lounge pillow under my arm for support but then my arm is over the pillow so she can't slide down beside me and the pillow. I have found and much to my surprise that I don't move an inch when i sleep with her. I stay in the same exact position, which results in a dead arm in the morning but I don't mind. When we sleep in the bed, I either do a similar thing and wrap us together (DH doesn't really like her being in the middle - so again she sleeps on her belly on my chest) and then when DH goes to work I slide her over to the middle of the bed and I leave my arm under her neck and then wrap my legs up under her bum so I kinda surround her. Either way she sleeps really well. I only co-sleep either when she is unsettled or if she wakes really early and is cold or just wants comfort.

I didn't want to get yelled at for 1) sleeping her on her belly and sleeping her on top of me and 2) for sleeping on the lounge.. I can understand the lounge thing for some lounges which are very soft and cushiony but ours isn't so I'm not concerned and when she does move or slide I wake straight up anyway.

Devon - I hope this is giving you some ideas on what you might want to do when your bubba arrives. I was not really considering co-sleeping while I was PG as I was afraid I'd squish a baby but it happened our of shear desperation in the first week we were home where she just didn't want to be alone and would only sleep on me, so i resorted to sitting on the lounge watching movies with her. Meantime I felt asleep and that is how I found that I didn't move so I just made it an easier way by tucking quilts etc.

I've been reading a book called Your Baby Week by Week by Simone Cave and Dr Caroline Fertleman (which in itself is a great book which I've found very useful) but it also talks about co-sleeping and sleep training at each week and stage of babies life. It does talk about co-sleeping and it's the only book I've found to mention sleeping with bubba on your belly.. It does say "Don't let your baby sleep on his tummy, although sleeping on your chest is okay as babies have been shown to mimic their mothers' breathing thus reducing their cot death risk."

I strapped DS to me in the hugabub and slept in the rocking chair sometimes :) At least he couldn't fall off me that way. You just do what you have to in order to get some sleep! :)

Yeah i did that too snowchickie (as i say above, made feeding easier and then we'd nod off...).

I never slept on a lounge (sofa to me ;)) for the first 4 months because....we didn't HAVE one! We shared a 2-bed flat with another person, so we basically had a bedroom XP and i shared, a bedroom for our flatmate and a room XP had for his records and computer which also had a spare bed in it (don't ask, we got together when we were flatmates and never actually "moved in" together in the true sense, always took a flat with a theoretical bedroom each, though we only slept in one of them, i always had to share "my" room :rolleyes: ). So in "my" room there was a bed and a couple of armchairs...

Once i moved out into my own place i had a suite and i frequently fell asleep on it on Sundays. DD would go to her dad saturday night and Sunday i'd get her back and i'd be so full up, despite pumping (could get squat with the pump by then), and i'd just lay on the couch with her either with her on my tummy on her tummy, or her cuddled in beside me on the outside, so that if she rolled she'd fall on the floor (put a cushion down JIC) rather than get squished down the sofa cushions, and feed and feed and feed and we''d always end up nodding off.... I miss those times. I can't wait to have another booby baby!

Bx

I did that too, Snowchickie - on a tiny campbed (another naughty place to sleep with a baby), DS on my tum/chest (head nearly on my neck, feet between my legs), patting his bum to get him to sleep.

I have dropped off to sleep on the sofa too. It's not ideal but when you're knackered it's just going to happen. So long as you evaluate the risks then I don't see there's a problem. I did consider sleeping with the carrier, which was so comfy, but given that DS and I both turn into human radiators at night it wasn't a good idea - if we had a half-hour nap together with the carrier we'd wake up soaked in sweat (such a pleasant picture for you all!) so I didn't want to do that overnight.

BTW, we didn't do that much skin-to-skin. Mostly we both wore pyjamas/sleepsuits (DS only for the latter).

i just cuddled my DD, i would wake up even if she moved the slighest bit, i think it's just natural to do so. she is 9 months and still sleeping with us. she slept in a sleeping bag recommended by SIDS website so was fine, no blankets ever around her head. i love waking up next to my daughter every morning. i am trying to get her in the cot now though so will miss her :( good luck with everything and i hope you enjoy co-sleeping as much as we have!!

Slept with DS from the moment he was born!
Initially he was between us, in one of those gro-bag thingies, up between our heads and on top of the duvet. Pain in the @rse and we ended up stripping him down and keeping him in the middle - the body heat transfer regulated all our temps nicely. And DS was a winter baby. For teh first month or so I would sit up to feed because he had tongue tie and even after it was snipped at 4 weeks, we had to work at attachment. Once that started to resolve itself he was then starting to be unsettled and windy, so we then started to sleep with him on my belly, wearing not much on him (me with only a feeding bra - was E cup at the time and with forceful let down if unrestrained!) and this lasted for ages, till he was about 6 month old. Then I just needed to breathe, so back off to the side he went! Soon after, he was moved to my left and that's where he was until we bought his futon mattress for an heirloom slat bed two weeks ago...now he falls asleep on the boob in his bed and comes in to me between 1.30 and 5am for a feed and sleep. I miss him :(
I never worried about my methods and filtered out all those warnings and guidelines - not because I couldn't care about the risk, but because I trust my instincts and defer to them.
Breastfeeding and co-sleeping is the nicest thing I never planned to do for this long! The co-sleeping we decided on only weeks before DS was born, after giving over to our deepest instincts :)