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For those of you who started off a separation by saying it was a trial etc... how did you deal with the 'it's over' thing? It's doing my head in, it had to happen and I am trying to stay objective in all of this but argh, its so frustrating... I dont want to argue with him anymore and it feels like everything is turning into an argument and I am in such a foul mood today now ... :wall:
When I first separated from my ExH, we wanted to give it a real go.
So we left each other alone, and just "dated" for a while. No talk of the big issues, just general fun stuff.
It became very clear to both of us that we were just friends, and thats all. So for us, the actual "we wont be getting back together" talk was mutual, and the friendship we found has kept us great friends, which is perfect for our kids.
Maybe you can try, "no talking of the issues" for a while, and see if you still have common ground first?? If you can get DH on board to try this way, it may work for you two.
Good luck, it can be so hard babe.... :hug:
Aw kelly I'm sorry you are going through this. Its never easy. :hug:
I had a trial separation with my first husband for two months - he stayed in Melbourne and I came back home to Queensland. We decided that since I had another year at uni to go to in Melbourne - that we would give it another go.
It just didn't work. The arguments were neverending, I wasn't happy, and I felt that I was compromising who I am as a person because I was trying to make everything all peachy keen when it wasn't.
After about 10 months I moved to Queensland again, and he said he would follow me. (this was in the November)
By January I had kinda got the hint that he wasn't coming up. He called me one night in February and confirmed that it was over. To me, it was a great relief, I could get on with my life - there was nothing/no-one holding me back - I could be ME again.
Of course I grieved for the relationship that we used to have - but we both wanted different things and had grown apart too much to ever try to repair it. And you know what? It turned out to be the very best thing I ever did in my life - now I'm married to someone who isn't just my husband, but my best friend too - and I can yell, scream and throw tanties like the hormonal, overtired, stressed out mother that I am - and he comes and talks to me like nothing has happened 10 minutes later.
I wish you lots of luck in your journey.
Just wanted to pop in and give you a big :hug: Kelly.
kel, i had no idea :( i really hope you guys come to the best solution for the kids.
this is so sad- it's happening everywhere Atm.
just wanted to give you huge hugs hunxxx
Oh Kell- so sorry your going throug hthis... Dont have any advice as i have not been in that situation but just wanted to say big :hug:
Hi Kelly!
I just went through the exact same thing about a month ago.
Things were'nt good between DP and me for a long time. I had wanted to move out many time but never had the courage to do it. So in April this year I'd had enough and started to move my things to my mums and look for a place.
While I was looking for a place we spoke about it only being a trial and that we would be together still, but not living together.
When I finally found a place for the girls and I, I discovered my "new found freedom" and decided that I really needed to make a decision about whether I wanted to be with him or not.
When I would take our girls up to him we would argue and he would say things like "Just get in your car and leave". So after that I said to him are we together or not. And him being the coward that he is, left it to me to decide. So I ended it. I guess you could call that our "Having the Talk".
Just after that I went down for a "holiday" in Rockhampton to see some family. It was the best thing I could have possibly done! The girls and I had a great time. I even manged to meet a man who is going through the same thing as I. We are just friends but meeting him kept my head above water.
Coming back to Townsville I realised for the first time that me moving out was no trial separation. It was over for good. I don't ever see myself with the girls father again.
Although I am still a little sad to say it, leaving him was the best thing I could've done FOR ME!
There is no denying that its hard. Its painful. I had always dreamed of the fairtale family. But it just wasn't meant to be. I stayed unhappy, to keep the stability of a family life for my girls, for a long time. But by doing that I wasn't taking care of me. I lost me. I lost the Sara that was.
Today, I am a compltely different person inside and out. My mind and body are so much more healthier and happier.
I send you a truck load of :hug: and self confidence. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise!
You can do this. You can be happy to!
Good luck!
:goodluck:
Kelly,
I am not sure if you mean telling him that its over or if you are asking as to how to deal with telling the kids?
When I left my ex it was not trial by seperation - I finally just got to the point where I told him that I wanted to be on my own - and that same day I left.
If you mean as to how to deal with him - simply tell him, sit down and say - its not working, I want to be on my own - I have had enough of this trial. He is a grown man, and you are no longer his emotional support person, he has to find out how to deal with it himself. Unfortunately it might hurt, but you have to be tough - you have to look after your health and wellbeing now- he can look after his.
If you mean the kids - it really depends how old they are......
Just remember that this is a bright beautiful ending to all of this - trust me :grouphug:
ohh hun just wanted to give u a hug :hug::hug: and say i am sorry to hear things are not working, u r an amazing woman and will get throught it all!!
I originally told Xh on Monday 9 October 2006 that I was going to stay at my parents' for a few days because there were some issues that I needed to deal with, without his input. He was pretty pi$$ed off, which was at least part of the problem. He and I went out for dinner on the Friday night (13 October 2006, 2 years ago today EEEK!) and I told him I wasn't coming home, it was over. He was really upset and used the whole emotional baggage trick to try and convince me otherwise.
I basically went the whole "I need time and space, it's not you it's me" thing which was so not true, it was and remains all about him. I had to explain my feelings and even justify them at times. It was a really really difficult conversation.
For me, the thing was that I didn't want my sons to grow up thinking the way their Father treated their Mother was good, or right. I had to emphasise this so much. Sure, I didn't want my kids coming from a broken home, but better to be two single parents who love the kids happily, than two parents together who can't stand each other, but love the kids and stay together for the kids' sake.
Oh and I said I wasn't talking to him AT ALL for that whole week. I needed my space and time. No phone, email, text or ANYTHING. I didn't want to see him at all. Or talk to him. All changeovers were at day care.
Hugs honey. You know where I am if you need me!
Its alot harder on the person who didn't make the decision to separate, you have to wait until they catch up with you emotionally and they might not be ready for a long time.
Lay down some boundaries, refuse to talk in front of the children AT ALL and be prepared to cop some flack for awhile. Imagine yourself in the same position when it gets hard - he is fighting to to get his way as much as you are fighting to get yours.
GL xoxoxoxo
Oh Kelly I am about to go through the same situation. We are on a trial seperation and he thinks we will get back together and I really don't. Soon I'm going to be brave enough to have "the" talk. I suppose the best thing is just to be honest and do it as soon as you are sure, to stop him from being strung along for too long.
It's the second hard thing you have to do after doing the initial leaving :( But it will get easier. Good luck hon :comfort:
Oh Kelly :hug: I dont have the right words to say something wise, just know I'm thinking of you.
There was one day when I was living with ExP and he'd been yelling at me for something, probably because I was feeling depressed or something. I burst into tears, DS looked up and started crying.. ExP said "See what you're doing to my son?!" and stormed out. That afternoon I told him I wanted to go and live with my mother. We tried doing the trial thing, on again, off again and even tried a date. He was nice to me occasionally, and I tried to be understanding with him but I just didn't feel it anymore. We didn't end up having the talk so much as me telling him it's over because of a lot of other things that happened at the time and I just snapped one day.
It's hard, but I guess I was lucky that DS was so young at the time, so I didn't need to explain anything to him. It's been almost 2 years since I officially ended it, but I know it felt like it was over before DS was even born, just neither of us would admit it. ExP still seems to be having problems coming to terms with it alll.
I agree with Lulu and things other people have already said.. It will be harder for the person who didn't decide to seperate.. They will be resentful, even if they knew it wasn't going too well, it still must be devastating for them to hear someone else admit that they just can't make things work any more. I guess if you both try to be as honest as possible without causing undue hurt (It's going to hurt no matter what, but once someone gets resentful or upset they might start saying things that aren't helpful to the situation).
Anyway, sorry for going on. :hug: Also wanted to say I'll be thinking of you.
Oh Kelly, I hope you find the strength to do what you know is right.. Sending you massive hugs.
I'm not married, and I've not got kids, but when me and my XP broke up, it wasn't on good terms (I'd found out he'd been sleeping with other women while we were together - all 2 and a half years) until about two months after we broke up. He started communications with me like I was a real person - he'd talk to me like I was a slave - and finally we started the whole dating thing. I met my DF on our 'break' but I already knew I didn't wanna be with him anymore. I started seeing someone else (which lasted all of 10 days) while on the so-called break and when we broke up, he's pouncing on me again. Again, we started dating, went to the movies, dinners out but I had honestly given up with him because I wanted to pursue things with my DF and see if he'd have the same feelings as I had for him. Then August 22nd 2006 my DF asked me to be his girlfriend, and the rest is history!
Sorry for my babbling! I guess I needed to get it out!
Sending you lots of hugs, lots of love and lots of prayers
DH and I had this talk about a year before we got married.
He honestly didn't see it coming - the depression, the problems, the lack of communication... he had no idea.
When he did, we agreed that some things HAD to change. We decided that we'd live just the two of us for a year, and that helped a lot. We saw each other's flaws and learn how to deal with them just the two of us, without me hanging out with the other lads or him running to Mother.
Sure, his "need" for a lie-in when I'm ill still annoys me. My habit of leaving the washing up overnight annoys us both. I'm more talkative, he doesn't read, I do read, I've not told him yet all the coffee in the house is de-caff (that's the next problem LOL)... but thanks to that earlier talk we do realise how much we mean to each other and how to work through it.
We've had it again recently. DH just can't cope with the stress we're under at the moment - mostly financially. But that's affecting everyone. And I know it's work stress he's taking out on me, which helps. But I only know this because we make VERY sure we have a half-hour chat about work and worries over dinner (very hard habit to introduce; his parents watch TV at dinnertime and you aren't allowed to speak, even when visitors are there). It's not good behaviour for DS to see, but he is asleep when DH gets really ratty usually. And I can tell DH when I've had enough; he's mad at work and not me. Yes, OK, so I could earn more money BUT I'M GOING TO! Just wait for January! Having that in place helps a bit.
We still argue. We still wonder if we're best together. But we agree to find where our problems really are and sort that out before doing anything we may regret.
OK, just helps us and maybe no-one else.
How to tell DS? TBH, he wouldn't notice; he doesn't see DH at all some days because of work/fishing. After a few days he'd be bringing me photos and asking for his dad, but I'd hope that DH would be round for dinner every night after the inital no-contact zone so DS wasn't too phased by it.
Of course, if we sold the house and moved away from DH that would be another problem, but I suppose you start preparing for that as early as possible.
Kel,
As a very new seperated person today is my 9th day, I am still unsure of what I have done but can see it has had positive effects on me and DD..
A friend told me that you know when you have to make the decision, I had no idea what she meant when she said it but living with the arguments and crisis at my previous address I knew the decision had to made.
ExH really made me feel like I had made the right choice when he accused me of "abandoment of the property and was going to have me charged with tresspassing ":rolleyes:when I went to get some clothes.
Hugs hun it isnt easy but I feel so much better at the end of the day when I know I am safe and happy.
B
:hug: Kel, I'm so sorry you are going through this :(
When my ex-DH and I split up I wrote him a letter about everything that I was feeling (but not accusing him of anything and not in anger) and left it for him to read while I went away for the weekend. I knew that he wouldn't listen to me if I had sat down and tried to talk to him about it so I wrote the letter and ended it by saying that we would discuss it when I returned. It gave him time to digest the issues and think about what I had said so that when we sat down and talked it wasn't in anger.
Although we didn't have kids we managed to seperate on good terms and are still good friends. Sometimes you need to take things slowly and try to remove as much emotion as possible to get to the core of things to work out if anything can be salvaged.
Kelly I just wanted to give u a hug :hug: and say i am sorry to hear things are not going well. My only advice would be tell the kids the truth from the start. If you try to cover it up they will know something is wrong and they will be more worried then if you tell them the truth. Best of luck. :hug:
I think my Cait is the same age as your daughter - I told her that mummy and daddy just don't love each other any more, but that we both still love you very much. We couldn't live together anymore because daddy did things that mummy didn't like and I'm sure mummy did things that daddy didn't like ... mummy is a lot happier on her own and there are no more fights ... and when you go and stay at dads, you've got him all to yourself. It was hardest for her in the first month, lots of tears from both of us, Cait and I. But 10 months later, it's good.
For the EX - we didn't have a trial anything - we fought a lot and it always ended with "get the f*ck out of my house" from him, as his parents owned the house and we rented it.
We both knew it was over, but he thought we could live in the same house, he wanted me to stay until the kids were older !!
We're civil to each other, but he's an idiot and I'm so glad I left. I can't imagine what I was thinking for almost ten years !
Good Luck,
barb.
Well with XP DD was born, things went from bad to worse and then he read things i'd written to DP indicating i had feelings for him beyond friendship. These were not out on display, he hacked into some accounts i think. He denies it but at the end of the day i figure me writing them and him reading them were equal transgressions.
After he found out i had feelings for DP (he was just a VERY platonic friend back then!) we tried to have another go, in the sense that i said i'd been really unhappy, he said i needed to tell him more (i had been) and he deserved another chance (turns out NO) and so i sat and wrote him a long letter, telling him in writing all the things i'd been feeling and saying for years. I gave it to him and said if we were able to save the relationship we'd both need to try and i was ready to hear his feelings too and talk all this through. Two days later i asked him if he'd read it and he said "Some of it....can't you just not see HIM anymore, and we can go back to normal?" - i guess "some" meant "the first sentence" because it was NOT about DP AT ALL! Anyway, with those words a door banged shut in my head and i knew it was finished.
XP took longer to come around to that, months, even after i'd left he seemed sometimes to forget we weren't a couple anymore. I had to live physically with him in the same house for 2 months after i told him we were through (i just said quietly after his "some of it" comment "this is finished now isn't it? We're over." and then i re-iterated it whenever we got to talking about it. Helpfully for me though he said he wanted us to stay together he did NOTHING to make that happen, no effort at all, apart from the night before i left him (after i'd signed a contract, paid over 1000GBP in deposit and collected my keys) waking me up between breastfeeds to tell me his mum and friends had told him he should try to save the relationship and did i just want to stay afterall and we could "forget about it all" WTF? No thanks, i said, and went back to sleep.
So with XP i basically told him once, without making a big deal of it, and then i made the new reality happen. It meant i had to do the moving etc. (he's STILL where we were living!) but it was worth it. I think it was about a year after DP and i got together (after i'd moved out from XP's) before i think he saw the finality REALLY - before then he'd talk as if he'd accepted it but he'd also disparage my relationship with DP and talk as if really there was not any reason for us to NOT be together.
The first 4-6 months were very very hard. He was pretty awful to me. Angry at me, VERY VERY critical of every single thing i did, knocked my parenting (hard when you're a fragile 1st time mummy heading for PND and having a thyroid crisis!), you name it. He never physically hit me but sometimes i wished he would, just to stop the cruelty for a bit and give me a rest. I got through it by telling myself this was the last bit of crappy dirt track i had to drive on, that i'd be on a broad smooth road soon, going where *I* wanted to go, and that however bad it got he couldn't make me stay. Living alone with DD was HEAVEN compared to the fighting, criticism and nastiness in his place. I have never regretted it, not even for a second.
They say time heals all wounds. Well, my wounds haven't healed from what he said and did, but time has certainly marched on and on for us and with it comes perspective, peace and eventually, acceptance. I think about 10 months after we split i accidentally sent XP an SMS meant for DP which said something like "I can't believe how difficult he's being, it's been over a year, when is he going to get over this?" and though XP was really angry that i'd a) say it at all, and b) send it stupidly to him by mistake, i think seeing it in black and white like that jolted him out of his self-pity a good bit, because from there he began seeing women again and living more of a life.
:hug: to you Kel. It's so so hard this bit, but i promise promise PROMISE you it's worth it.
Many loves
Bx
Hoping its starting to get easier, Kel :comfort:
When I had decided enough was enough with ExDH, I sat down with him & told him I thought the best thing for us was to seperate for a while & see how it goes.
I decided to move in with my brother for 3 months - He was in Sydney, and that was about 3hrs away from where we were living.
Luke was about 12months old.
Our relationship failed mainly because Luke & I were always about 5th or 6th (sometimes even further) down the ladder of priorities - drinking, mates, football, surfing... actually, almost everything else always came first.
I hated living where we were... we were only there because its where he wanted to be - yet all day & all night he was somewhere else doing something else.
I got to a point where I'd put Luke in the car on a Fri night, go to my brothers or a friends in Sydney for the weekend, and come home Monday morning.... by 6pm Monday night Luke & I would be waiting for him to come home to see us... I would call to say 'You haven't seen us all weekend, aren't you coming home?' ... and he would say. 'Oh, just thought I'd have a beer with the boys after work & go straight to touch footy, etc from here'... he'd end up coming home about 10pm (after going for another beer with the boys after footy) - Luke & I would both be asleep.
My thoughts were that if I moved away for 3 months, he would have a big empty house with no noise, no toys & no cooking, clothes washing etc to come home to - he'd miss us & at the same time, would HAVE to make the effort to put aside the weekend for us to come & visit because of the distance.
My thoughts were that it would either make us or break us ;)
Throughout the 3 months, whenever I spoke to him, his intention was that we would always get back together... I would move home, and things would carry on as they were :rolleyes:
I didn't say anything within the 3 months, I wanted to pan it out & see what eventuated.
At the end of the 3 months, I went home for the weekend, walked in on the Friday night to my loungeroom full of boys, beer, food, footy on the tv & girls on my loungeroom floor that I didn't recognise :(
Walked into Luke's room & there was a mattress on the floor & someones bag.. looked like they had been staying for a while.
Needless to say, 'the talk' happened the next day after I managed to get everyone out of the house.
I just said to him ' I left hoping you would feel the loneliness of us not being here & would miss us enough to want your family back... in the 3 months I've been away, I made all the phonecalls, the only time you saw Luke was if I came home for the weekend, and you haven't been to see us once since we left. That to me, is my answer on your level of committment to us & making it work, so I think we know our fate?'
He just nodded... he knew, but would NEVER have ended it himself... honestly, I still think he would be miserably married to me if it had had to come down to him being the one to end it :rolleyes:
I told him that I would be the one to leave (I hated living there anyway) - and he was happy with that (I think he needed it so he had the support of our friends... whatever floats your boat ;))
Best thing I ever did... but I definately had to do it all & make the decisions.
The last thing I said to him before we said it was over was that when he finally found someone he was in love with, he would thank me for letting our relationship go so he had the opportunity to experience a real relationship with someone he loved.
He said he doubted whether he'd ever thank me for leaving him & taking his son with me.
A few yrs ago he got remarried to someone he is clearly head over heels for - complete opposite husband to what he was to me.
They had their first baby together last year - when I took Luke up to see her when she was born, he pulled me aside & told me I was right, & thankyou for making the right decision.
Its so hard, Kel - but the fact that you guys are already seperated & living ok like that - and have admitted to each other initially that life can't carry on the way that it was... thats where all the hard work was.
It will only get easier from here - because there'll be a little more clarity every step & everyday from here on ;)
If you think the time has come for 'the talk' - then it probably has... sit with him & do it - The end of the arguing will ensure a nicer seperation & friendship on some level between you for the kids.
Hope all of my rambling made some sense :D
Just wanted to send you a huge :hug: Kel, as tough as this must be for you right now I can only imagine how tough the last 12 mths (maybe longer) have been. You got through that, you're okay, your kids will be okay, so you can get through this too.
Be kind to yourself and take heart from all the wonderful strong women in here who have given you such great examples of their courage!