Music teacher says my 2.5 year old HAS to sit on them

Is it just me, or does it seem unreasonable?

My dd started a new music group yesterday, and the two instructors told me that next week, she will not be allowed to play the drum/xylophone/ whatever unless she sits on their laps.

My little one is very slow to adapt, and didn't feel comfortable sitting in their laps (fair enough!), and was squirming to get back to me, so I just took her back, let her sit on me, and guided her to play the instruments.

Apparently, she is "pulling strings" and she needs to learn the "correct" way to play. I mean, she is 2 years old, for crying out loud! She wasn't being manupulative. DD really takes a while to feel comfortable in new situations, and allowing her to take her time to warm to something works best. I explained this to them after class, and asked if they could give her a few weeks to get used to them, but they said "bad habits will form if she is allowed to do what she wants" and "all the other kids had to do it this way".

I just want her to have a bit of fun, and realise that music is a great way to unwind and express herself. Somehow, their attitude doesn't seem to support this. I'm so tempted to tell them to stuff it. The only reason I haven't already done this is that this school has a really good program (DD loved it when we attended a trial lesson with the lady who developed the program). Problem is that these other instructors just don't seem to be willing to accept DD and her cautious personality.

*sigh* HAs anyone ever been in a similar situation, or is it just me?

I haven't been in that situation, but if DS or DD didn't feel comfortable sitting on a strangers lap - then I wouldn't want to force them to do it!!!!

I think it seems a little unreasonable to expect a 2 year old to be fully comfortable with them straight away. I know DS sits on the carers laps at daycare but he's been there for a while now - and wouldn't have done it for a few weeks I would imagine!!!!

I hope you figure out a solution soon.

Oh dear .. the devil in me is suggesting that you'll let DD sit on their lap providing you can too?

Oh dear. I hope it works out soon. Maybe take a little chair *hers* and they can sit behind her? You can pick up little folding chairs for about $8 at BigW which might work?

I would be livid!!!

Maybe ask them why it is SO important that they have to have physical contact with such a young child to teach music???

Might open their eyes a little and they might back off!!! ;)

No one would ever tell me my child HAS to sit on their lap!!! Stick to your guns hon, they have no right to enforce that on your DD.

Mmm, I think it's a great thing for you to teach your child - that if they're not comfortable with making physical contact with a someone, then they don't have to.

Is there someone higher up that you can have a chat to about this? I'd be uncomfortable forcing my child to do something like that unless it was necessary (dr's and the like). I think warming her into it with a couple of weeks is a great compromise, wonder why they're so negative about it...

:

---

Maybe ask them why it is SO important that they have to have physical contact with such a young child to teach music???

Might open their eyes a little and they might back off!!! ;)

---

Love it, that's the exact response I wanted to make but couldn't find the words when I read the OP earlier. Actually went away to think about it.

That's your "big gun" if they insist...I would go with Nelle's line first about how you don't believe in enforcing physical contact if your child is not comfortable with it and what difference does a couple of weeks make? I'm amazed other parents haven't raised this with them before.

Makes me think the teachers don't have kids themselves if they can't be understanding of toddler quirks.

And you're absolutely right...your DD is only 2! It's supposed to be fun! My DS was going to toddler soccer (ages 18-30 months) and one week an instructor was insisting that they kick with the inside or outside of the foot, not their toe (and took a good 5 minutes demonstrating with the kids champing at the bit to go bananas). You could feel the amazement emanating from the parents there, not to mention the rolling eyes.

i would be inclined to find a new music school that were a little more relaxed about the whole thing. Insisiting a kid sits on their knee seems a little wierd to me, but maybe i am OTT?!

That's stupid. Technique is so difficult to teach to a child that young (who may not have the communication skills for it, KWIM?). You are right - music should be a form of expression and it should most definitely be for FUN at this or any age. If this is the inflexible philosophy of the school (i.e. you MUST do it this way or else you will learn 'bad' habits) then I'd think twice about sending my kid til they were a bit older. JMO... I think that attitude sucks.

GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Hun, this is what I do for a job... and have done now for 16yrs... what they're asking is absolutely wrong, wrong, wrong... at this age, its all about being comfortable with themselves, in a group AND ESPECIALLY with the teacher - only then will they relax enough to listen to a rhythm... and thats ALL you're expecting at this point in time.

I teach preschool aged children... and have done big sized groups, and smaller sized groups.
The MOST important thing you must know to be able to work with little people is that they are all DIFFERENT.

The strategy working with one child will be different to the next, and then the next, and then the next.. and so on.

Obviously, there are basic rules about the care of instruments, etc - but they have to be in sync with the fact that they are still only babies :doh:

I have some children that want to crawl all over me :lol: and some children that want to sit far away in the corner.. you have to be flexible enough to do what works with the individual child.. and build on that.

My suggestion (if I were the teacher there) would be to have you sit with your child in your lap and play the instrument together... I'm not sure about why they have this policy, but who am I to question I guess??

There are MANY wonderful programs around for early introduction to music for little ones... my advice would be to try out a new one.

Your little one may only be 2 and a half, but confidence with any adult in a teaching position is imperitive as early as possible.. if this scars her now to have an impact to make her hesitant, you may find that she will carry that through to any tuition later down the track.
If she does private piano lessons etc later on, that can be a real worry :(

PLEASE feel free to PM me if you want to chat further ;)

Drop the lessons. Music should be FUN, as you point out. An old (-er than your DD at any rate) man forcing you to sit on his lap when you don't want to isn't fun.

I'd be making a BIG stink about that too - why force children to sit on laps when they don't want to? Very dodgy.

DS loves playing the piano. If we go out and there's a piano, he sits and plays. OK, not well, but at least individual notes and a tempo now. This has come about by letting him sit with his mother and have fun with a piano, us both playing together, him copying some basic tunes from me (some Dvorak, a bit of Mozart, very little Beethoven, although he loves listening to that...) and he can sit and "play" up to 5-6 notes of a tune now, enough to recognise it. But it's fun, not learning - a 2-3 year old doing scales? Nah. Fun, then technique. That's how I learnt with no associated downside (OK, a slight problem with sight-reading the low end of the bass clef, but I'll introduce that to DS earlier than I was introduced).

What Holly said!

As somebody who has trained as a classical musician (trained being the operative word), rigid compliance to a musical doctrine, whether it be technique or learning to read music, can be stifling to creativity and in many ways is counter-productive to developing an understanding of the concepts of melody and rhythm.

Without knowing much about the specifics of the program I may be premature in commenting, but such concern about technique in a general toddler music group, and rigidity to a teaching method suggests that they teach music by rote rather than creatively. A refusal to be flexible to accommodate the personality of a student in favour of developing technique on instruments that at this age should really only be used to give an idea of different timbres implies to me the 'play your scales right or we'll hit you over the hands with a ruler' method of teaching.

There is never going to be a situation where i am cool with forcing DD to sit on ANYONE'S lap. And if i were a parent in your situation i think that, however cruel it seems/feels, id be pointing out how deeply inappropriate that is! I would tell that that i intended to force neither unwanted physical contact nor dogmatic musical doctrine onto my TODDLER (FFS - if a kid is 11 i can see the value in scales, but then the desire to have them sat on your lap would be entirely another thing of course...) and that i was having serious doubts about their school and wanted to speak to someone in authority.

Bx

I definately wouldn't be making my children sit on a strange persons lap if they weren't comfortable. I would look somewhere else.

Agree agree agree. Cant add anything more to what others have said. Stick to your guns.

NO WAY! The first lessons we teach kids about child protection is to recognise that feeling of 'not being comfortable' and that it's right to act on it!!!! Go somewhere else and give them the web links to the Bravehearts website in QLD....they may not even know they are doing the wrong thing!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Yep, I am with the general consensus here! I would be MAJORLY peeved if someone - who I didn't even know either mind you - was saying he HAS to sit on MY lap.... ummmmm no, he doesn't HAVE to at all!! As many have said, music is about expression, about fun and exploring the world through rhythm and sound. Oskar LOVES playing guitar and we just let him pick and strum and he can do different tempo's when he feels like it. He's having fun, exploring. If I was in your position, I would be saying NO WAY and personally, finding somewhere new. Let us know how you get on.

:

---

Apparently, she is "pulling strings" and she needs to learn the "correct" way to play. I mean, she is 2 years old, for crying out loud! .........but they said "bad habits will form if she is allowed to do what she wants" and "all the other kids had to do it this way".

---

These comments would concern me enough not to return. The instructors are not even listening to what you (the parent) are saying.

My kids wouldn't sit on some strangers lap - not even with the prospect of banging on something really loudly. What strange people to want to teach music to young children that way...technique?? wtf?

Thanks so much for your replies. It helps to know that I'm not being overly sensitive or protective.

Will try to respond to some specific comments later, but in the meanwhile, spot on, that I don't want to over-ride her natural sense of caution towards new people. Also if they are too inflexible to accomodate a simple request to allow DD time to adjust, then this is not the right class for us.

I've decided to ask to join a different class, and if this is denied I'll ask for a refund, explaining why I don't wish to continue in the existing class. Will keep you posted. Thanks once again!

i hope they let you swap, and/or get a refund.
i fully agree with the others, at this age (and all ages really) music is meant to be fun, and to be told that she is not doing something correctly, and it will form bad habits for later, well, shes only 2.5yrs old. Shes to little to understand.
I am very big on the touching thing, and would never ever have Aiden sit on a strangers lap if he didnt feel comfortable. I would just also be generally uncomfortable in myself in him sitting on a strangers lap, when i didnt think it was necessary.

Ok I can see a lot of things wrong with this and no I certainly don't think this is right.

The major issue I have with this is that I don't believe any child should be FORCED to sit on someone's lap or have other physical contact when they don't want to, this may sound over the top and I'm certainly not saying these instructors are pedophiles etc but I think that forcing a child into physical contact with an adult is a really bad move in this day and age and I would much prefer to have a child who refused such contact then a child who thinks they have to do it because the adult says so iykwim?

Also I was a dancer for almost 20years and taught for 5years and had my own dance school anyway we used to have little kids that "didn't do what they were meant to with the right technique" and sometimes were in their own little worlds (not saying this is what your dd is doing) but I was fine with that as long as the parents were happy with it and the kids were having fun!

I think when you are paying for the service its up to you and not for the instructor to say how your dd must do it. She is 2.5 is she really going to get the "correct technique"?? what the?? I would go somewhere else just on the basis that you are the parent not them and I think it's very very rude to try to overide what you are happy with and try to tell you how it's going to be. So basically they are saying if you don't force your child to sit in their laps they won't let her play the instruments like you are paying for!

I would also complain to the lady that started the program, she may be unaware this is going on, any chance you could go to a class run by her?

No child should EVER be forced to have physical contact with someone who does not have a vital function to perform such as medical examinations or bottom changing.

As a matter of safety and physical confidence, imo children should have autonomy over who gets to touch them, and whether or not they will engage in touching. It's key, imo, to teaching personal safety and boundaries, and is particularly important for girls. A "no" to physical contact should be respected from the earliest age when practical.

Insisting on a child sitting in a lap is entirely and utterly inappropriate for any age group. I'm horrified, to be honest. I'm trying to imagine what would happen to my dh (who is a priest) if he insisted on children sitting on his lap to learn the correct pose for prayer...

At the age of two, it strikes me that some wooden spoons and upturned saucepans would be as useful a conduit for self expression, to be honest!