Having a Second Baby....

Nope I'm not pregnant!! I'm just having a bit of a stress & want to see if I'm normal or a complete nutcase for thinking these things. I really really want to have more children than Zander - I had 3 siblings & loved being a part of a big family, but I am so worried about the whole thing.

Firstly, I'm worried that Zander will hate us because we won't have as much time to be with him as we do now. I don't want him to feel like he's second best because we need to spend more time with a newborn. We were thinking of TTC again soon, so in theory he'd still be too little to understand what's going on.

I also worry that Zander will be my favourite & I won't be able to help it. He'll be my first experience with everything, so I'm thinking that maybe everything isn't going to be as exciting and special with another baby. Or that because of the above reason I'll try to compensate for not being as available & the new baby will think that we love Zander more.

I'm petrified of the actual birth. I've made the decision that I won't be trying for a natural birth this time. After the experience I had with Zander's birth, I would go into it scared that the same would happen & it turn into a self fulfilling prophecy (stress & being scared is known to slow/halt labour as far as I know). Now I'm happy with my decision, but I am terrified of the whole c/s thing. Last time it was a case of I wanted them to do *something* to get me out of pain & if it meant chopping my left arm off I would have said go ahead! This time I'll be going into it knowing that I'm going to be cut open & that really freaks me out.

Also, how am I going to cope with 2 babies??? Zander sleeps alright, but he doesn't sleep through every night & I don't know how I'd deal with both a newborn & Zander waking through the night.

We had spoken about TTC from December, but I couldn't do it. I'm just too scared. Now we are talking about April, once Zander has turned one. As it gets closer I get more & more worried about everything. I just don't know if I should wait longer so I can get these feelings all sorted out (on some level I know I'm being silly) or just jump in the deep end & know that everything will sort itself out.

I think that's it for the moment ;)

Sarah, have you read the article, Loving Two? https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/loving-two-children

Also regarding confidence to birth, I can recommend some great workshops in NSW and even some support people who would be able to help you. Ultimately the birth you choose is your decision, but it just seems to me that you feel unconfident in your body when you can have every reason to ;) Perhaps unsupported too. Having unexperienced people with you in labour can make it more anxiety frought for mum, she looks to them for stability and reassurance, but they are too busy freaking out themselves!!!

Kelly I went looking for that article, but found the New Baby one - https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/a-new-baby - I was sure there was one about loving two. Thank you :D

Sarah, what you posted is exactly what I have been thinking lately. Not that we are TTC, noy for quite some time, but I already worry that I wont have enough time for Emma with a newborn & also that the new baby wont be as prescious to me.

So, I dont have any advice, but just wanted to say - wow- you have posted everything I have been thinking LOL

Hey Linda, thanks for responding :) I think that's what I need to hear, that I'm thinking the same things that others do. I don't know, it makes it easier knowing that others feel the same way.

i think these things too! you guys arent alone....

I stress about these things even tho we arent ttc

I worry more that I will neglect Jay and not give him my full attention :/

I worry about these things too. Sometimes I look at Yasin and I think that there is no way that I could love another baby as much and I feel sorry for number 2 because it will never have the kind of quality time that me and Yasin have. When I spoke to DH about it he pointed out that love isn't like a cake with only so many slices to go around you get a new cake with each baby and that although Yasin may be upset to start with in the long run a sibling will (hopefully) be a friend for life.

hi sarah
your story is exactly mine expect ive just given birth to my second son3 weeks ago i totally understand me and jayden have such a strong bond i was worried bout not loving this new baby would i even want to hang out with him cause me and jayden were and still are a team the crazy thoughts i worried the whole pregancy cause i personally found it different first time round everything is just amazing second round time i didnt have time to notice every bit of my pregancy i had hard larbour last time which ended in ceasearn and i opted for it this time i was terrifed your right first time round you just want the pain to stop but second time round you have a build up of whats to come however with my story pretty much being the same i have to say it all falls in to place i never believed anyone so i guess its something you have to experience i had the ceasaren and i myself was amazaed i was walking round the next day and second time round you dont get as many visits lol so i had quite alot of bonding time with tyler and i love him so much now im home when tyler goes down i play with jay and spend time with him. doesnt leave much time for yourself my partner has been home last two weeks and heading back to work tommorow so as for coping with two i let ya know tommorow which i have to say im scared but im sure il cope ya just do
hope ive helped

I used to think the same about the whole loving thing too, but ive found it to be ok,

i always worry about that Josh is going to think i dont love him , 1 for not being there with him and 2 he might not think hes important because chloe is here with me and he isnt.

we have started ttc the next one, and i sometimes worry how chloe would cope, but i think shes going to be too young to understand.

thats not much help but wanted to share my story

Lesley

You're definitely not alone Sarah!!!

We had always wanted our children close in age and had planned before Jacob was born, that once he turned one, we'd be TTC again. In the first few months of his life, I became more and more eager to TTC again and would have done it in a flash so we decided to start trying when he was 10 months old!

Time passed and when we started TTC (which was actually in June prior to Jacob's 1st birthday) I totally freaked out. I got really panicky about it and was worrying about the same things as you - would Jacob cope, would I cope?

Honestly, the best thing for us was to hold off on TTC for a few more months. As you know, we've just started trying again from November. So if you think about it, it took me from June until November to actually feel better about it all.

Having said that, of course I am still anxious and worried about how Jacob will cope and how I will cope, and I'm sure once I fall PG again that will be even more heightened, but I must say that I don't feel as anxious about it as I did going back a few months. I think I've had the benefit of that time to think things through and to sort some of those feelings out in my mind.

Yep been there too. Always wanted more than one child but the day we started trying for our 2nd I cried and felt so guilty, wondering if I could love another just as much etc.

Oh but when he arrived my love just grew. I have an amzing relationship with my 1st born but I also have just as amzing relationship with DS. I love them equally. They are 20mths apart.

Can't help you with the fear of a c/s, it's only natural to wonder what it's all going to be like. My 1st labour was no picnic. I'd run labour day over in my head constantly and worry myself stupid of scenarios and he came out without a hassle. (all that worrying for nothing)

Pregnancy went faster as I had DD to run after. She did not walk until 17 months which I found very hard.

Sleeping, DS decided to take 6 months b4 he started sleeping through which I found very tiring and DD still had a dummy so when that fell out we'd be getting up for her. I'll admit it's tough somedays, but now I don't hear a whimper from DS at all, he doesn't even cry out. You'll go on overdrive. Zander may still be waking up now but in 9 months time (if you fell pg today), he may not wake through the night.

As for Zander hating you b/c there wont be as much time spent, the only thing I can suggest is to involve him in everything ( as much as you can) leading up to the baby and when the baby arrives. My DD is such a little mother and does everything for her brother, she loves being involved and I never really got any jealousy. It may differ with little boys though.

Keep in mind that TTC another bub should be a fun thing ;) not full of worry and anxiety! When I worry about things like this I think of my mother that had 5 of us under 8 years and she loves us all to bits and equally.

"There is always enough room and love for 1 more" as my grandmother would say who came from a family of 13..... eeeek! :p

Good luck!

:p

Sarah as i was reading that i was thinking "yep i understand' especially about the c/s thing.

Im not too worried about the other sibling but am very worried about the c/s...

I dont know what to say to help lol but i just wanted you to know your not alone. :)

I was worried how Kimberley would be when i was pg with Alex but now he is here she is great. She has always been independant and played on here own so i had no worries of her missing out. When Alex is asleep we play together and sometimes when Paul is home we go to the shops without Alex.

We are trying again and to be honest i haven't even thought about how Alex would cope with having a baby in the house.

Never had a problem with loving both of them as i love them both the same.

Sarah - SNAP! DH and I were only discussing this today. I'm not so much worried about the c/section, but more about what if the 2nd baby is just as hyper! How would we cope?

Good to see we are not alone in these thoughts, it was great reading every-body's posts

I am also worried/scared of having a 2nd baby, yet at the same time would love one...
Apart from the fact that DP isnt so sure anyway... I havent even been talking to him lately about the fact that I want to TTC, as I am just not sure if I would cope with 2? Plus I think it has to be a decision that DP is keen on himself.

WRT having a second child... I'm petrified of going through all of the sleep deprivation again for a start.... plus Aidyn, DP and I are all settled into our own happy little routines now, I'm just scared of how well we all would cope. Although I know in reality we probably would cope ok, its just that things will not be 'easy' anymore, like they are atm with having just the one child.
Plus I understand how it is to wonder if you can ever love another child as much as the first, as that goes through my head too... I love Aidyn to pieces, and in my eyes he is absoulutely perfect and wonderful... and I wonder how I could feel the same about a second child... although I'm sure I probably could.
I do worry about how Aidyn would cope initially... but one of my main reasons for wanting another child is so Aidyn doesnt grow up as an only child, as I think he would benefit greatly from having a sibling in his life...

:-k I must admit having the longer gap (nt necessarily by choice) between my girls is a blessing. Maddison understands that while Indah is awake, grizzling, hungry, etc that I am pretty busy, but she also knows that if I am doing housework & Indah wakes up that she can entertain/sing to her for a bit & 'help' by doing so til I can get Indah...
Whislt I am busy with Indah Maddy will read to us or she will happily go & play in her room, or just sit & talk... But whe Indah is asleep or playing on floor etc, Maddy & I will do stuff.

Maddy loves Indah & changes nappies or bounces her in her bouncer, sings to her, cuddles her, holds her hands & makes faces etc... I know they are gonna adore each other as they grow up & it's gorgeous to watch..

I never wonderd if I could love another child, I desperately wanted more & I knew I had more love to give & I had explained to Maddy when we were pregnant that love never runs out, you just get more love, I even explained it like the cake story your DH used Dach... She accepted that & understands that I might be busier now, but I still love her & I love Indah...

As for the sleep deprivation etc, I think it's easier really, because you go into it knowing your baby will grow so fast so you savour all those moments with the new baby that went past so quick with the first.. I have found having Indah much less daunting & I am a more relaxed Mum, which is great!

I am keen to start trying for #3 mid this year... Dh just needs convincing!!!

I did not LOVE childbirth, the pain etc, but I am not scared of it either, so I was happy to finally have it start & went in to hospital happy to be in labour...

Sarah I have heard all your worries from friends, it's totally natural.... Good Luck with your decision, as with Maddy, we adore Indah & wouldnt give her back for the world!!!!

Tracey, I too have decided big gaps are the way to go. I will be waiting a while for the next one. I understand not everyone has the luxury, but 2.5 years for me was tricky with jealousy issues, not understanding why things are etc. But perhaps it will be easier with #3 in that #1 isn't used to company and #2 is, but still, I think I will wait a little longer than last time.

Kelly,
Right now Maddy is singing, dancing & basically entertaining Indah whilst watching the Wiggles, which Maddy doesnt nrmally watch, but Indah loves watching maddy & gives her big rewarding laughs, so Maddy enjoys it!!!

Sarah, I think it's soooo normal to have these concerns. I have several friends that are pregnant with their second baby and they are all worried about how they are going to have enough love to go around. Our first babies become our entire world so it's hard to imagine that another creature could have the same impact!
My question is, do you feel like your parents loved you less than your other siblings? When I ask myself this question, it's an absolute no. I know they loved me the same amount (sometimes in a different way when you take personalities into consideration - but not more or less).

The next baby you have may be completely different from Zander and you'll have no sleep issues at all!

Also, with the c/s, an elective one may not be so bad. From what I can gather, your c/s with Zander was pretty horrendous (by the sounds of it, the whole thing was). They were probably pretty rough with you to get him out. Next time will be a whole different kettle of fish. My c/s was an emergency but it wasn't really that rushed. I really don't think I suffered any more pain that someone to tore when giving birth naturally. I SO understand why you have opted not to try for a VBAC. I swing either way.

Anyway... just wanted to let you know that I understand (and often have the same fears myself).

Sarah

I had an emergency c-section with Jack and in the end opted to have an elective c-section with Asha. I kept changing my mind between trying for a VABC and going for the repeat. In the end Ryan asked me to have the c-section because he was worried about losing both of us! I went with the c-section not just because of Ryan but I think him asking pushed me the way in my heart that I wanted to go. Emma was a natural birth but it was pretty eventful (induced due to high BP, vacuum extraction due to BP rising with each push) and I did try with Jack to do it again but because of his size (length really 57cms!) he got his head stck in teh wrong position for a successful vaginal delivery so we had the emergency c-section.

I too have never worried about the love ... I have always loved kids! The fact that they are mine is even better ;) Emma and Jack currently test my patience with their fighting but they bring so much joy and happiness to my life ... I so wouldn't be without them. Asha was the child I never dreamed I would have. I was finished having kids after Emma & Jack but then my first marriage ended and then I remarried thinking I wouldn't have anymore kids because we already had 4 between us. Then we started talking about it and realised that we both wanted at least one more and now she is here she is such a joy ... The older kids love her and she has really tied our families together. We are now thinking of another but first we need to get a bigger house and a bigger car ...we are full at the moment!

I guess this hasn't really answered your question or put your mind at ease but I hope it helps to hear my story. Each birth is different and you will be fully supported no matter what your decision. It is hard to think about sometimes, like I know that next time I will have another c-section (if there is a next time) and that it will take me that little bit longer to recover as I will be that much older again.

Good luck in your decision making ... you already know in your heart what you want to do ... the fear is just clouding it at the moment.

Cheers

Sarah - your feelings are very natural, I was all over the place, one minute I wanted a baby next I didn`t all because of feeling like Matthew is going to miss out. When I fell pregnant I felt the same way I wasn`t sure if I should be over the moon or sad, I shed many tears. T

Then I started bleeding and my twin miscarriage I realised this IS what I want, I DO want this baby who is a miracle and Matthew will not miss out, I thought back on my own childhood how my younger sister and myself were always together playing imagine their not being a sister/brother for Matthew to experience that.

I also read Kelly`s article Loving Two and bawled my eyes out LOL but it really helped me come to my senses.

I still often think will the first smile, first babble etc be as exciting as it has been with Matthew, I have found the time is flying with this pregnancy and I`m not up with the development of the baby as I was with Matthew IYKWIM

The Birth, I don`t want to think about that especially if it`s another c/s which is quite on the cards if bubs is too big like Matthew with my CTP I need a little baby to birth naturally which I`m hoping to do.

I know we wanted them close together - perferably around 18months. It just seemed like a dream that it was going to happen, but now we will have to be happy with more like 2 years I guess. Still going to aim for the 21 months though ;)

I was terrified when we first started TTC. OMG - all these images started rushing through my head!!! But once it finally happened, I think I just became accepting of it all. The more people told me it was going to be busy, the more Iset my mind into knowing I could do it.

I also thinkI didn't want to experience "the good life" again between babies. I can't really drink now to excess, cant party, cant do much expect at nap times, so I wanted to not have life go back to being settled - rather get it all out of the way at once.

I knwo Jenna LOVES other children, and I think she would be great with a little brother or sister, so I'm not worried about that, and I personally think if you can introduce the next baby before the older gets too set in their ways, sharing time, love and toys is easier. My sister had a shocking time with her kids - nearly 4 years apart.

I think you need to do what feels right for you guys - nobody else can decide that for you. And as for the labour - I was putting all that out of my head I think until I needed to worry about it. Its inevitable that you will go through a certain amount of pain, so I guess I figured what was the point getting stressed about it before I needed to!! Like you I was more relaxed about it - natural birth wise - but I still think it would be nice to have what I had wanted.

Maybe you could set your mind on different goals. Like next time - OK, I'll have a c/s, but I am determined to breastfeed. Do YKWIM??

You'll be fine Sarah - I think everything you are thinking about is completely normal, but all I can think about now is cuddling up with Jenna and a newborn having a nap in the big bed together. Doesn't it sounds nice??

Fi

Not arguing anyone's point or decision here, just an FYI, but did you know that studies have shown a repeat caeser to have more risks than a VBAC? The risks overall are tiny but VBAC is a lower percent. Obs often talk it up though as they have indemnity issues on their mind and they get paid more for a caesar. Don't get me wrong, it can be useful in a life threatening situation, but some Obs don't always have your full interests at heart.

Second births are always very different - you've been through alot of it before and while it can still be nerve racking, you often aren't as anxious as last time. I mean gee, my first birth left me swearing that I would get into hospital early for an epidural and I expected the same awful birth as before. But I had a natural birth and I would have NEVER expected that - if someone told me I would have had one I would have laughed in their face!

Also, it's deemed an emergency caesar if the procedure happens during labour. Elective caesar is if you have the caesar before labour has started.

Definitely definitely not alone! I went through EVERYTHING you've mentioned, I worried that Paris would be the favourite because I'm so worried about 1st child syndrome, and I'd over compensate for the fact that things would be less stressful (emotionally 2nd time around) etc etc. I still worry about some of this stuff... We only just put the cot up (I know early for some) but we had sooooooooo much stuff organised for Paris at about 20-28 wks! This time we have hardly anything organised. I was worried that because I loved Paris sooooooo much that I didn't know how I could possibly share that with another child, and I didn't think it was going to be fair on her etc etc. AND THEN when we couldn't conceive I went through the whole guilt of not being able to give Paris the playmate so close in age, I look at so many others and whilst it is easier on the parent to have a bigger gap (initially) it is nicer for the kids to have each other to rely on iykwim? So when the 2 yr gap came and went I mourned it. I think no matter what you do you'll think you should have done something else, or you'll be concerned about their emotional state or yours. But I really do think it works out in the end, and my gf has always said to me you end up with the gap that works for you. And in our case it has worked beautifully! Paris has been so patient waiting for when she'd have a brother or a sister. And when SIL got pg with twins there were pangs of jealousy (for paris) and I think had we gone through all that without being pg ourselves and without being able to reassure her that there was going to be a baby for her soon too it would have been harder. You are a wonderful mother Sarah (As is Aaron a great father), and Zander is a beautiful little boy! I think you guys will be fine, and this is perfectly normal to go through! I went through it quite early, and then Marc didn't go through it till we were in the middle of TTC LOL! I think Zander will adjust really well to having siblings as will you guys having more kids, and there is always enough love to go around ;)

And when it comes to the age gaps... I think it also depends on the children as to how they adjust. Paris is sooooo easy going, I look back and I think had I had my kids closer together it wouldn't have made any difference, the only difference would have been on me (when pg). I personally like the fact that Paris is more independant and is alot easier to explain things to. BUT everyone is different as are kids and you will find there will be people who will give you for and against both ways.

I'm a bit tired, so this is probably all mumbo jumbo LOL! I hope I've made sense. I just want you to know I know exactly how you feel.

:hug:

*mwa*
Cailin

we really want to have another one close in age to Jackson as well. my main worry is the PND thing. i am fantastic and havent had any problems since jackson was about 4 months old, but i am scared to go off the medication and i am scared that i will be hit with PND again second time around and that terrifies me, i never want to feel like that again.

I don't blame you, Min. PND must be so scary!

Min, I was worried too, but there is only a 50% chance you will get it again - John took off 5 weeks after Elijah's birth (he had stacks of leave owing) and I found this was a lifesaver. I felt great with him there all that time (although he started to get on my nerves by then too LOL!) and when he went back to work I felt more confident. I am back on meds now since Elijah was one, but this is only because of my poor hubby having to work so much and hardly being here - I don't have any family support. So if you can work out a good support network, there's no reason why you can't do it :)

With the personality thing people talk about with kids and how they will react to a baby - Marisa has a beautiful, loving personality, but like that article Sarah put in her post, 'A New Baby,' you can understand how a 2.5-3 year old is going to get upset and not understand why that now they have to share their toys (not want to share) as well as their mummy and daddy, and they can revert back to baby behaviour and things like that as a way they see to get the attention they want. I think the older they are, the more they can understand this and not be in that 3 year old mind and so demanding of attention at the same time as a baby. Perhaps having them earlier than this can be easier too, avoiding that time of not understanding, but I haven't experienced this for myself so I can't comment personally.

They always tell you to make sure you still get one on one time with each child to avoid jealously issues, but for people like me, it's not much a reality when I wake up with them and go to sleep with them, with a hubby still working. So for some I think it can be an easier transition than for others. Just like everything, I think it all boils down to support or how supported you feel.

Caroline and I were talking today about 3 year olds, she said she's done lots of work the last few weeks with mostly three year olds and she said she secretly has this evil though that if the agency calls her for some more jobs, she'd say yes, as long as it's without three year olds LOL!!! :)

Sarah, I have had these feelings too. I love Kaleb so much that I worry about the next baby being not as gorgeous/clever/lovable. Everyone reassures me that you simply grow more love rather that having to divide what you have.

We decided we wanted to have them close together because neither of us really enjoyed the newborn phase and found sleep deprivation really hard. Knowing that we want to have 2 children and that we have it ahead of us at some stage, we felt we want to get it over and done with while the memory is fresh, rather that get some sort of life back only to have it all taken away again, if that makes sense? Also I think Kaleb will be young enough to take it in his stride, rather that when he's 2+ and is far more aware of what's what.

I too will be having an 'elective' (or as Dachlostar cleverly suggested, 'scheduled') c/s this time, and am quite scared about it. Last time I was just relieved to have him out and for it to be over, I didn't care what they did to me. This time, the thought of knowing what's ahead, especially the night before thinking "they're going to stick a big needle in my back and cut me open tomorrow" - how do you cope with that? But once again, I know I want to have 2 children, so whether I do it now or do it in x number of years, I still have to go through it.

I'm not trying to say that any of this thinking applies to you... I just wanted to let you know that I have had similar feelings and this is how I am dealing with them. I hope you and DH come to a decision that's right for you...big hugs, I know how scary it is!

i have to agree joe we hadnt planned our second i mean we had talked bout it but decided to try get bills and get married then i fell preganant which we looked at it as well they will be close together but lets get it over and done with they can grow up together then we will still be young enough to still do things when were older.
sleep deprivation is a big killer and me and my fiance are buggered our eyeballs are hanging out of our heads but it can only get better (i hope)
having parnter home for 2 weeks really helped considering i had a c/s which he went back this week but so far things havent been to bad
i was talking to girlfriend today and she is thinking bout another baby same feelings as us all and as i said to her no matter how many peoople tell you that it will be fine its something you have to just go through yourself and then you will go ahh yeah it does work out and you find everything slowleyyyyy falls into place