Is it SOOOO bad to pick up to re-settle?

So it seems like the dominant/popular parenting advice that is out there (from mchn etc) is that you should try to avoid picking your child up when they wake up in order to re-settle them. I appreciate that the aim of this is to help them to learn to settle themselves. Its a nice theory....

But a nice cuddle is often the only thing that works for my little guy. I have tried patting/ soothing him while he is in his cot but usually he just gets more worked up, or it takes forever to get him to settle again. But if I pick him up and we have a nice cuddle in the rocking chair, he is usually out like a light and I can put him down again. He goes from upset to calm and relaxed super quick, and its sooooo nice. I love cuddling him!

So why is it seen as so bad? Am I "creating a rod for my back"? And what does that mean anyhow- that he will always need to be held to sleep?

Sometimes I just don't get these parenting theories- it seems so instictive to pick up and cuddle my upset child....can he really learn to self settle at 4.5 months old? Or am I just being lazy and taking the easy way out and doing him a disservice by not teaching him another way?!!

while the advice mchn give you, is quite help full and does work , its not for everyone and its only advice , not a "you must do this " the advice should be taken and adapted to suit your family ..

at 4 months old i do not see how you are creating a rod for your own back , babies under the age of one cry to communicate , they dont understand how to manipulate (yet) so NO imho i do not think you are spoiling him and if you feel he needs a cuddle then give him one , you are his mum and know him best ...

there is no point in both of you getting upset , it will lead you both into frustration ..

later on its fine to impliment a sleep routine , but for now keep is loose , it may well be that he falls asleep in your arms , then you put him down , but when he wakes hes not where he was when he fell asleep , so he gets startled ..

its best for him to learn that if he cries you will hold him , they thrive on that , then later on in the middle of the night resettle him with out picking them up ... they will cry and scream and carry on, but for now give you man a cuddle and leave the guilt outside ...

dig into your motherly instinct , you will find the answer !!

I think it depends. I think the idea is to gradually help them to self-settle. Newborns generally go to sleep very easily - feed, then sleep. When they're older, they don't necessarily go straight to sleep after a feed and a sleep cycle only lasts for about 40 mins. So ... if they woke up every 40 mins you wouldn't want to pick them up each time, otherwise they'd never learn to get to sleep without mum. Bear with me! So as they get older, the idea is to NOT put them down asleep, just sleepy and let them find their own ways of getting to sleep so that when they do stir after 40 mins, they already know how to get themselves back off to sleep.

Now, having said all that, if your baby is generally a good sleeper and only wakes up now and again (rather than every 40 mins), then I see no problem at all in picking them up.

I ALWAYS picked DD up straightaway if she cried because it meant she needed some comfort because ordinarily she was a very good sleeper.

Infact, she's now 14 months old and she just woke up screaming and I've just gone in there and given her a cuddle. Just a bad dream and she was back asleep within 2 minutes.

I did try the patting thing once and felt like an absolute dill. Cuddling always felt much more natural and normal to me.

I've got a friend whose DD refused to go to sleep (day or night) unless her mum patted her to sleep until she was about 3. So TBH I don't think patting is any better than cuddling - they may become dependent on that too and personally, I'd much prefer to cuddle than pat. She's a baby not a pet.

Hope that made some sort of sense.

If it works well - do it!

Don't you worry mumma - follow your instincts xoxoxoxo

Yeh I don't know why I keep reading these forums cause I get so peeved at people recieving such bad advice (IMO!) from everywhere- MILs and CHNs are the worst :)

But I do believe wholeheartedly in instinctual, gentle parenting.

Cuddle your little fella! There is no such thing as a "bad sleep habit". It only becomes "bad" when YOU want it changed, and you can always change a pattern like that. Elizabeth Pantley's book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" is good on changing patterns. You could google "parenting baby to sleep" there is a great blog called that with lots of sleep info. There's lots on Belly Belly too of course.

You are not creating a "rod" for your own back - if you want him to settle on his own you might need to be a little calculated in what you do/encourage him into, but if you are happy to "parent him to sleep" then I think it is a wonderful gift to give a child.

They most definitely grow out of it, and many mums say they miss it terribly when they do. xx

definately cuddle him. i tried the controlled crying for a week and not picking my DD up and it stressed me out so much, along with her. then i just went with the flow, if she wanted to be hugged, i would pick her up and let her sleep with us too (she has been co-sleeper pretty much right through). and last week, she went into a toddler bed for the first time and loves it. i really don't think you are creating a rod for your back. they grow out of it eventually. follow your motherly instincts, good luck ;)

IMO by picking him up, you are telling him you love him, he's important enough to be responded to and teaching him empathy. Mother's instinct is the best guide.:hug:

I held and rocked DS up until he was 5 months. At that point he got really heavy and I was having back problems so I had to teach him to self settle. On some occasions though when he is really distressed or up set I still rock him in the chair. Close contact not only reassures it sooths.

Go with what your instincts tell you. If we avoided all the potential pitfalls that are out there we would have to not touch our children at all. If it becomes a problem for you down the road you will find a way to deal with it but for now enjoy it i say, its such a precious time in their lives.

I honestly think that it sounds as though you and him have a great system going. if it works and both of you are happy and comforted by eachother then go for it.

i sweated for AGES about the fact that when DD would wake in the night i would B/F back to sleep. all the advice from the main told me that i was creating an unworkable situation. but TBH, she was generally a good sleeper, and when she woke it was for comfort, and who am i to tell her that she can't have it? of course there were harrowing moments, when it felt like it was spiralling out of control, but that was mostly my own fear generated by the parenting opinions of the main. once i learnt to let that go (and it took awhile) we just went with the flow and i lost the guilt/fear/anxiousness and just enjoyed those precious midnight cuddles and b/f. and now with DD starting to wean and sleeping consistently for 12 hours, i am cherishing every one of those midnight moments where i get to look down on her sleepy face and tuck her gorgeous curls behind her ear.

be gentle on yourself and your little man, some bubs sleep and settle on their own, some sleep and settle with us...who are we to deny that of them?

I've always picked mine up for a cuddle after I tried the CIO thing when my first was little. It broke my heart to hear him so worked up :(
If it feels right then do it.

If you need assurance that you are doing the right thing for now and in the future then I can vouch for them learning to self settle. My bubs had (placid, clingy and inbetween) totally different personalities and the results are all the same.
I also have to share that once my boys weaned at around 12 months and were going off to bed happily on their own I sooooo missed those feeding to sleep moments!

Just wanted to add ...

The accepted advice is that you should also make bedtime calm, calm, calm and no unnecessary shenanigans. We don't follow this either. DD insists (by kicking her legs up and down in her sleeping bag) on me tickling her before she goes to sleep. Oh, what fun we have. I tickle her ... pretend I'm leaving by starting to walk out the room .. turn around and run back and tickle her. Repeat x about 20.

Not a very calm wind-down but she enjoys it and I think it makes going to bed a happy time. AND she goes to sleep no worries.

If it feeld better or right to pick him up, then do it. You dont want to feel like a guilty mummy for letting him cry when its not what you want. Go with your gut and if the advice the MCHN gives to you doesnt suit your parenting style, then dont use the advice. I was often bombarded with advice and I just took the bits I liked and turfed the rest. I personally couldnt bear to have her cry to sleep and it was just instinctive to me pick her up and give her a big cuddle. She loves cuddles. Everyone told me that I was creating a rod for my back but she settles beautifully now so I dont think I created a rod for my back at all.

Claire used to cry quite a bit, particularly at night. Often I'd go in and give her a cuddle or a bum pat and she's be happy. Sometimes I think she just wanted to make sure we were still around and sometimes all she wanted was a bit of booby. We always tried to do the same thing each night before bed time, although we have slacked off on this lately. It was usually a breastfeed, bath, more breastfeed, and then a song or a book. Now, we do a bath, then lots of cuddles, and a book while she drinks her milk. She goes to sleep beautifully now and stays asleep usually.

One way of interpreting the prevailing advice is "give them a chance to settle first, then intervene if it isn't working". Don't rush in to pick up at the first noise - but as soon as bub seems unhappy (rather than just awake) then cuddle/feed/sing/pat/raindance/whatever helps.
We tried to never leave DS unhappy on his own - and he now settles and sleeps better than most bubs his age.

I NEVER left any of my babies to cry, and I have GREAT well adjusted sleepers who know they are safe and loved..... When I cry, I want a cuddle!!! :D

Go with your instinct, it is usually right babe!!! ;)

Rajah - thank you for the tip on the parenting baby to sleep blog! I am reading through it now and am already reassured that I'm not spoiling Freyja by allowing her to co-sleep for part of the night and by hugging her to resettle :)

Put simply, no - it is not bad to pick up your baby when he cries and no - you are not creating a "rod for your back" by doing this. Personally I think responding as promptly as you can when bubba cries teaches them to be good sleepers much better than leaving them to cry - because it shows them that somebody will comfort them when they need it, so makes them more secure. Young babies do not cry because they trying to be annoying or get out of sleeping, and they will not be 'spoiled' by being responded to. That has always seemed silly to me - how is it possible to spoil a child by showing them love and attention? Its a ridiculous argument.

Jess you are doing a great job, if he wants a cuddle give him one. Hamish is around the same age and he is a fantastic sleeper and i know when i put him in he usually doesn't need settling but sometimes he will have a little sook and i will go put his dummy in but i can usually tell if i have been in there more than twice and he is crying he needs a cuddle as if he is too upset there is no getting him to sleep, but by picking him up usually within a few minutes he is asleep and i return him to the cot. I just go with the flow and let my instincts tell me if he needs settling. Good luck.

I used to feed DS (now nearly 14 months) to sleep. then when he weaned he now has a bottle and book in our arms and then we rock/cuddle him to sleep (or sleepy depending on how he has been). he gets cuddled when he wakes in the night too.... it works, he knows how loved he is. he isnt the most amazing sleeper but he isnt terrible either and i havent had to deal w the stress of leaving him to cry to sleep. i love the cuddles too, so beautioful if he is upset and as soon as i pick him up he goes quiet and 'collapses' onto mummy or daddy. love it. do what works for you and your family honey.

DD has been a good sleeper for the majority of her 11 weeks in this world. Early on she was sleeping 12 hours at night and at least 5-6 hours at a time during the day. Now she is doing a good 5 hrs at a time both day & night. At first I used to rock her to sleep in her cradle and we co-slept for some really unsettled nights but she is now in her big cot and happily puts herself to sleep when I put her in bed as long as I've read her tired signs correctly and not delayed putting her down.

If you feel you need to pick up your DS when he is crying then i say go with it. I've been going with a "if the cry upsets me then I pick her up". I have luckily been able to distguish the majority of her cries and I know her "I'm tied, thanks for putting me to bed" cry which stops in less than 10 seconds so I ignore those ones, but i know her upset or pain cry and if I hear that, she gets cuddles till she is calm again and then I put her back down. If she wakes after a cycle and is crying (which isn't normal for her) then I know something is up like she has wind so i give her cuddles (and wait for the burps) and then put her back down.

I was told about controlled crying and did try it once but it broke my heart and only lasted 20-30 minutes, with lots of patting and rubbing trying to ease the crying, before I stopped. I say go with your instincts and give cuddles if you want or feel the need.

Today we were out and about alot so DD didn't get much sleep so she played up today (as well as not liking the heat) and I ended up giving her cuddles till she fell asleep on me and then back into her cradle to be rocked to sleep near us. I'm not going to deny her hugs when it is quicker and more calming for her to be comforted when she is really upset. I'd say if you can identify when the cry is genuine or when it's just a "put on" then that can help identify when a cuddle is needed and when it's just a little bit of a protest. :)

Good luck and happy hugging..

Their only young once.do whatever suits you, i cuddle my ds all the time. I'm probably digging a hole for myself, but it doesn't seem to have affected him yet and we both love cuddling together

No way, do whatever you feel comfortable with. I do whatever it takes, I still feed my almost 14 month old to sleep.

Everyone has already said what I wanted to say, but just wanted to say you are doing a fantastic job and you should continue to do whatever works for you....Stuff what other people say.You are doing a fantastic job.

Jessica, I haven't read the replies evrybody else has given you but I jsut wanted to tell you to listen to your insticts. Don't worry about what other people tell you. You know your own child better than anybody else.
They might be right. Your child might take longer to learn how to self settle. But is that really a problem? He will learn it eventually. And it is impossible to say whether it is caused by your settling technique or by his own individual character.
I have heard so many stories of people who used controlled crying/comforting on their children and it didn't lead to any improvement. It only caused very stressed out parents and babies. Others swear by it. You need to do what works for you. Why fix something that isn't broken? If you don't have a problem cuddling him in the middle of the night, then why change a good thing?

I have always picked DD up and now, at 17 months, she goes to sleep on her own most nights (after a quick feed and cuddle) and can resetle herself most times when she wakes during the night. There are times when she can't, but I bet there are other things at work on those nights. Like bad dreams or teething or maybe being too hot/cold. But in the first 6 months of her life she NEVER went to sleep on her own. I fed her to sleep on our bed, then sneaked away quietly. We co-slept at night and during the day she either slept in my bed or in a sling on me. When she woke, I always fed or uddled her back to sleep.
At 6 months I transferred her to a cot in our room because she was crawling and I was scared she'd fall out of bed. She actually did once which was the turning point. She HATED being in her cot unless she was asleep. Until she was 12 months old, I only placed her into the cot once she was asleep and I would pick her up to resettle if she woke up. We still co-slept for part of the night. The theory of settling her by leaving her in the cot and patting her bottom just did not work for us. I actually tried it for a couple of days/nights, but she just got soooooo worked up and I just couldn't handle it. By picking her up, she usually resettled within a couple of minutes.
At 12 months she was driving me crazy by waking up more and more often, so I thought I would try and teach her to go to sleep on her won. And surprise surprise, I didn't have to teach her anything. She just did. She was ready for it and the transition was so easy. I put the cot in her room and there were never any tears involved.

Why did I give you such a detailed description? I just wanted to show you that I did all the "wrong" things. Yet, we got to the same destination in the end. I don't regret having chosen that path. Although, sometimes it did seem harder. But, I did not create a rod for my back. There is no anxiety about sleep time in this house. She actually loves it. When I put the sleeping bag on my bed, she gets excited and tries to put it on herself. No battles. She still comes into our bed between 5 and 6 am where she sleeps til 7-8am. I love being woken up by her kissing me or stroking my face. It just feels so right.
For some, this set up doesn't work. But for us it did.

All the best, Saša

Thank you all for so much support!

I did crack it after I wrote this orignal post and decided I was sick of getting up all the time to put the dummy back in and I was also scared by the "main" telling me I was causing a problem by cuddling Peter to sleep, so I tried to wean him off both. It was an absolute unmitigated disaster leading to us both being horribly stressed and unhappy.

We are back to cuddling and dummies.

I would probably like to get rid of the dummy, but soon he will be able to find it on his own (PLEASE!!!!!), so I am not too stressed.

And I realised that the only reason I tried to give up the cuddles was because it seemed like everyone said I should. But I love the cuddles. Yes, I end up spending a fair bit of time in my baby's room rocking him during the day, but I love that time. So quiet and sweet and special. Its a nice rest for me too, where I don't have to (can't in fact) do anything else like dishes or whatever.

So between that and all your kind replies, I am a happy cuddler. Its so sweet when he just "collapses" on me like pp said. :D

I know exactly what ou went through when you did try and follow the common advice. I gave it a try, too and ended up bawling my eyes out more than DD.
She will find the dummy on her own at some stage. Actually, things improved for us when DD started accepting a dummy at 6 months. Before that she flat out refused it. She still has her dummy. And I'm in no rush to take it away from her. She only has it for sleep times.

Saša