just need a vent!!!! sorry

Hey

Sorry inadvance for this i just really dont know what to do, or what to think or even how to feel.

i am on my first round of ivf, the clinic is 170klms away from where i live so they class me as a rural client. well everything so far has been going good up unitl now. i had to have day 5 bloods done yesterday to check to see how my levels are going on the 100iu of puregon, cos i have a history of OHSS so thats why i am on a low dose of puregon and why i have to have the early bloods. anyway got the results back yesterday afternoon and the ivf nurse rang and said they are a bit to high for day 5, so she told me to still have the 100iu's last night cos she couldnt get the fs as he was out of his office, she said that she hopes that the injection of the full 100 shouldnt hopefully make to much of a difference, and then she said that they would call me today after talking to fs about my levels cos they think he will drop it to 75iu. well i called them today after work and she said she STILL couldnt get a hold of fs, she was going to try him later on this arvo so she said i will call you after that. well she rings me at 7.45pm tonight to tell me that she STILL HASNT SPOKEN TO HIM!!!!!!!!!! and that i have to have another full dose of 100iu and she will try to talk to fs tomorrow. plus she wants me to get another blood test tomorrow if i can, but i dont know wether the pathology lab will send them on a saturday being a rural client. and she said if they dont send them then dont worry about getting the bloods done, just wait until we see you monday for you ultrasound.

I am sooooooooooooooo ****ed off at the moment, if i am to high then why then hell am i still injecting 100iu's?????????? if i am to high then why the hell isnt my FS making me feel like i am important enough to actually do something about it??????? i feel soooooooooo angry and lost and frusturated (sp?) and scared and sore and just dont know what to do or how to feel, i know one thing i do feel and that is my fs and the ivf clinic dont give a **** about me!!! there happy they got there $6777.00 last week so now they dont give two hoots about me and now there leaving me hanging, and tell me my levels are too high but yet i am still injecting the same amount, so go figure:wall:

so sorry if this dosent make any sense, and sorry for rambling on just got know one else to turn to who would understand what i am talking about.

Oh M2C, you have a great big :hug: from me to you.
It must be just awful to feel like you are unimportant especially when you are laying your body in someone else's hands. You have every right to be furious and worried and loads of other feelings all at the same time.
I am glad you are venting and sharing the burden with some people who completely understand how you are feeling. I hope that it doesn't cost you the cycle, and that it can be redeemed, and if it can't you need to have some serious words with that FS about being left to hang out to dry like this.

Now I am very peeved with your FS and the clinic. How can they not be able to get a hold of your FS???? I was not a risk of OHSS but I still got my FS's mobile no. to ring just in case of emergency. I actually called him on a Sat night just before my trigger injection because I had some bleeding and he was very good about it. That is what you call good service... caring health professionals!

I think you should demand that they find an alternative way to communicate with the FS because it is not good enough!

*calming down*... so sorry hun... It just makes me angry to read how careless some people are... I hope that on Tuesday thing turn out o.k. for you and by then if your levels are still too high they can drastically reduce it in time to prevent OHSS down the track.

M2C, as someone else with a history of OHSS I can understand the absolute terror you are feeling at the moment. As for your FS - he'd better have a damned good reason for disappearing off the face of the planet at such a time!

I think if it were me and he's still not contactable today I'd be telling the nurse something along the lines of "I'm scared as hell and I'm dropping to 75IU anyway, and you'd damned well better do something to help me out even if it means contacting a different doctor!".

Sheesh... I want to go smack your clinic around myself! Hang in there, and hopefully your levels aren't dangerously high just yet. Do you know what your E2 numbers were, by any chance?

BW

I'd be angry as well!

My clinic has a doctor on standby at all times - so at least if its not your FS it is someone equally qualified to make a decision.

The only other option - can you get your FS email address - I find that this is the best way to contact my FS if I can't get him by phone.

Also, I would be chucking a huge tanty at the nurse. Sometimes doing this scares people into action (I know, I know, not very dignified, but sometimes it does work).

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Also, I would be chucking a huge tanty at the nurse. Sometimes doing this scares people into action (I know, I know, not very dignified, but sometimes it does work).

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Ditto what G said - throw a tanty. i've only ever had mild OHSS - and that was bad enough! given you KNOW you have a history of OHSS, they should be bending over backwards to help you out. call the nurse, make a HUGE song and dance, and keep calling every hour until they've gotten hold of your FS - and if not YOUR FS, another one to guide them.

don't let them "forget" about you. being regional is such a load of crap as an excuse - they should be looking after you the same as any other client - and hun, this is unacceptable!

thinking of you

BG

Thanks everyone so much for your replies

i have just got home from having my bloods done, just after walking out of the pathology lab my ivf nurse rang to see how i got on and i told her that they can get it couriered (sp?) to them today, so she said she will ring me this arvo to tell me what my levels are doing, BW i dont know what my levels are, but will ask today what the numbers are.

i just cant believe that this has happened, they KNOW that i have a history and that is why they wanted to do the early bloods, yet the results are in and they cant do anything about it cos stupid fs is not around:wall:, my ivf nurses are absolutely lovely, i have been dealing with them since day 1, i have only ever seen fs once and that was before we started and now that i need him he is not bl*ody here!!!!!! great fs i have got

i will be back later after i have the results and will let you know what is going on. thanks again everyone, you guys have made me feel like i have every right to feel the way i do and that makes me feel better cos right now i am to scared and worried to know what to really feel, just confused and unhappy and feeling sore. I am tired and just feel like i dont want to do this anymore:crying:

Cry your heart our precious M2C. I would be without a doubt. And I think the BW is on the money... if the nurse and yourself are worried about them being too high again today, reduce them to 75iu anyway, FS or no FS. If FS is not around and doesn't like it you can politely tell him that at least the nurse cares about your health and wouldn't it be nice to avoid being sued for negligence by attending to your case...

You are handling this really bad situation really well sweetie... and all these women in here know best. They've done it all really.

M2C - you are right to be upset, it's just not good enough. Sometimes the nurses don't want to disturb the FS, and sometimes they simply are not around, but they should be able to contact another clinic to get it sorted out. It's why we pay them the big big bucks!! You don't pay that kind of money to be stuffed around.

Hope you get it sorted soon, thinking of you :hug:

M2M - are you ok? How are you travelling? Been a bit worried about you - let me know what is going on!!

OK now i am really worried and confused:wall:

yesterdays bloods show that now my levels are not as high as they should be??????:cry:

the bloods i had on thursday(day 5 of injections) showed a level 390 in which they were worried cos apparently levels double and therefore they would be around 6000 on monday and if they do egg pick up on the wednesday they would of been 24000 or higher in which she said was getting to high for there liking.

so i went and done bloods yesterday and she rings me just a minute ago and said they came back at 658 ( day 7 of injections) and so i asked her was that ok for levels and she said in a hesitant (sp?) voice that it was ok BUT it could of been a little better:wall:


i give up!!!!!! one minute it looks like i am going to well and now i am not going well enough?????? what am i suppose to do. i have so many questions like, why arent my levels doubling like they thought they were going to? and why am i so sore? it hurts to sit, it hurts to lay, it hurts to cough?? so then i think what happends if its a cyst thats causing all the pain, what happends then. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE i am sick of the stress and worrying and trying to analyse(sp?) everything! my god i even suck at doing ivf!

well i have my first ultrasound tomorrow and more bloods so tomorrow will give me some definant answers, plus i get to see the bl*ody fs tomorrow so i will be giving him a piece of my mind!!

right now i just dont know how to feel, i have a million questions and just feel disappointed with my levels and myself!

help me please!!! help me understand what i am doing wrong??? its going to be a very long night tonight, i just wish tomorrow was already here so i can have the ultrasound.

M2C, first thing I'm going to say is BREATHE!

But you do need to have serious words with your clinic! I'm not entirely sure whether I'd be gunning for the nurse or the doctor at this stage, though!

A level of 390 on day 5 is sitting on the lower side of things. First cycle, I was at 283 on day 5, and had my puregon levels doubled because I wasn't responding well enough! 4 days later I was at 2830, and we were in trouble...

Second cycle - on day 5 I was seriously hyperstimulating already and had an E2 level of around 3000.

Third cycle - the one they were happy with and where I did not get OHSS until I got my BFP, on day 5 I was at around 1000, and that was great.

I'm feeling really angry for you at the moment - it appears to me that your clinic has made you worry about hyperstimulating when your levels are actually on the lower side of things! For comparison, on day 7 of my severely hyperstimulated cycles I was at 9200 and 7800, and the non-hyperstimulated one I'd got to 1600.

I hope that the FS tomorrow can give you some clear answers. I'm starting to think that the nurse is more to blame here than the doctor, but being uncontactable over those few days is still absolutely inexcusable!

:hug: Hang in there and hopefully tomorrow will bring answers and a clear path ahead.

BW

Thanks BW for your quick response

i just feel horrible!! and sad and oh god i dont bl*ody know!!!!!!!

the nurse's and the fs they will ALL BE GETTING IT TOMORROW.

what sort of show are they running over there??? telling me that there worried about me cos i am too high, when in fact from what i can see i never really have been high enough??? we have broken our bank accounts to do this and to me it looks like they are hoping i dont get alot of eggs so i can pay all that money to do it all again!!!!

i just wish this was all over, and i shouldnt have to feel this way. i have waited for 7 yrs to do this and its finally here and because of the way i have been treated i dont want to do this again. they should treat there rural patients better, i feel like i have been left alone to do this on my own, i have no idea what i am doing this is my first cycle and then when i have questions and problems NO ONE CAN HELP ME!!!! oh but they were happy to take my money!

Firstly, as BW said - Breathe. Secondly, do not blame yourself - you are not doing anything wrong !!!

I think my first cycle of IVF was the hardest because it was all so foreign and there was constant worry that my body wouldn't respond. In the end I got through it but it was such a learning curve for me and how my body responds to the meds.

Voice your concerns with the FS tomorrow and ask all your questions. Perhaps write a list if you think you'll forget things at your appointment. :hug:

My cycle has been CANCELLED:cry:

bloods done this morning and came back at 1600:crying: and then had ultrasound and i had 20 small eggs and only 2 that were big enough, i am just gutted:wall:

i broke down in the doctors office, his room went silent he didnt know what to say! and i was to upset to get angry at him, the more i tried to stop crying the more the tears would run down my face. i feel like such a failure, i am so embarrased. i really thought i was going to do well at ivf.

but not all is waisted apparently, i now have to have a trigger shot of pregnyl instead of ovidrel tomorrow and then have sex tomorrow, wednesday and thursday and hope that we catch the 2 eggs that we did get. then saturday i have the crinone and bt on the 27th. so its more or less an IUI just doing it at home instead of the clinic.

i will be to late to get in another cycle before christmas:wall: they need me to get af on the 18th of this month if i was to get another cycle in before christmas, but i dont think i will get af because she isnt due till the 25th, plus crinone can sometimes delay af doesnt it? well thats what i thought most probably wrong.
my next ivf cycle they are going to have me on 150iu instead of blo*dy 100iu, so here is hoping that we make more eggs next time round.

big hug to you...so sorry for all you've been going through! The clinics can make us feel like we aren't valued and it's tough...and it's already such an emotional time and stressful

but please please don't feel like a failure, or that you would have been 'good' at ivf... we are all doing our best, our bodies are out of our control much of the time...and not having success on IVF, isn't us failing...it's so important to remember that...I'm sure we've all had those thoughts, even when it comes to just not being able to fall pregnant easily...but it's not a failure on your part.

I hope maybe you have success with those remaining eggs!
thinking of you

M2C, remember that this is NOT your fault! I can understand that they were being cautious with your hyperstimulation history (I sometimes wish my clinic had been a little more cautious on my 2nd cycle with mine :rolleyes:), but all is not lost yet! Trust me, avoiding OHSS on an IVF cycle is something you REALLY want to do - I spent a week in hospital and a month off work... and it wasn't until my 3rd cycle that my clinic decided they needed to be extra-cautious and watch me very closely.

Good luck... and hopefully the next attempt won't be needed, but you know they'll have a better idea of how you respond even if it is.

BW

Oh M2C you poor love, I'm so sorry that this cycle is cancelled :comfort::comfort::hug:

There is still a chance with you and partner DTD, so try to focus on the fact that you are moving in the right direction. Also, even though it is devastating, they are learning more about your body and will get it right next time I'm sure.

It is NOT your fault, put that thought out of your mind girl!

This is the big dipper roller coaster we are on, one day you think you are okay, the next you are blubbering in front of strangers. It is bloomin tough at times, but you are doing well.

Acknowledge the cr@p that you have been through, but try to move onto the next step.

hope you feel better soon.

Thanks so much everyone for your very kind and support words, you are all so amazing and i am very thankful to have you guys to lean on and look for when i need help.

i know that i should be focusing on the positives, but right now i cant see them, i feel sad and angry for the way this has turned out! i know tomorrow i will feel better about it all but today i just feel horrible.

i just had to do the hardest thing, i had to tell my dd who has been with me every step of the way through this ivf cycle, that it wasnt meant to be and now we have to pray to god and ask him to help us give her a brother or sister naturally. My little girl is amazing, when we told her that things hadn't worked out the way they were suppose to, she said to me " its ok mummy, we will just keep on trying and trying" i think i just fell in love with this gorgeous little girl all over again. I am so blessed and lucky to have her, she has held my hand every night for the injections and she crosses off the syneral dosage chart every morning and night, and when i was feeling sick she would lay beside me and we would watch tv or a movie or just simple sit and chat. she so desperatly wants a sibling and thats why today is so much harder, i dont ever want to see disappointment in her eyes

i hate feeling like this, i want to feel positive but just cant find those happy thoughts

Mummytochloe, ditto to Possums, Nic and BW.
It is so dissapointing hun, I know as I too have been there a couple of times. The PCOS girls will tell you how hard it sometimes is to balance the drugs and your response. Reducing the risk of OHSS is really important, and they have a duty of care to your health. I am glad you have the chance to do it naturally, you just never know.
They will have learnt lots from your cycle and will be able to adjust the drugs for your next one.

That all said I know how devastating it is and I hope you and DH are being kind to yourselves.

xx

ETA: Chloe is gorgeous. Your post made me cry, how absolutely sweet of her. Children are amazing creatures and you have obviously got a wonderful relationship with her.

had my trigger shot this morning, so hopefully the 2 eggs that i have will ovulate tomorrow.

dont know where i belong, do i join the iui thread?? well its not really a proper iui is it??

i cant help but think that tomorrow would of been egg pick up:cry: and i never thought i would miss having my injections, 8pm last night i felt sad cos i wasnt injecting and i miss the syneral spray, as much as i hated it and felt horrible from it i miss it.

i start crinone on saturday night, are they as horrible as what people say they are?? i had the little bullet shaped pessaries and they werent to bad but this is the first time i have had to use crinone. i dont really want to use them, but the ivf nurses yesterday said that i might as well use them. just worried that if there as bad as people say they are then i would rather not seen as though it doesnt really matter now cos we arent doing the proper ivf. it would be nice to be at work next week and not have to deal with any of the side effects.

Hi there M2C,

The other ladies have given you such good advice I don't know how much I can add to it, but I just wanted to say :hug: from someone else who has been there and knows how it feels having a cycle cancelled.

My first IVF cycle was cancelled and converted to an IUI (BFN :() and now I am on my second cycle and going to EPU on Thurs with 3 follies - hardly a resounding success :wall: I too have a DD who would dearly love a sibling, but despite all our efforts it just isn't happening - all I want to do is give my child a brother or sister :pray: Your DD sounds beautiful!

You will start to feel those happy thoughts again though, it just takes a while for the hope to come back but it does! Take it easy on yourself in the meantime.

All the very best and I hope you don't need the next IVF cycle x

thank you so much megsmum

best of luck with your egg pick up on thursday, i will be thinking of you.
hopefully the 3 follies you have will be 3 future brothers and sisters for your dd
it sounds like we are both going through the same thing when it comes to trying to give our daughters a sibling, its such a horrible feeling when you cant give your child what they so desperatly want. if you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me.

Oh my poor "buddy". I feel so much for you right now I wish I was there to give you a big hug - this is just horrible. I will write you a much more in depth email later on tonight but just so you know we are thinking of you guys and really hope that you get your BFP this cycle. There are 2 eggs there - you never know what could happen! Hugs to you, write down all your concerns and send the clinic an email/letter - not nasty just so they know how you feel and hopefully it won't happen again. We are rural too and it sucks not having anything close by. Lots of love K

mummyto chloe, chloe sounds so lovely, you are lucky to have such a wonderful daughter
I hope things pick up for you

Thanks for that M2C :) I hope we finally have some luck!

It is awful not being able to give your child what they want isn't it? I would do anything for my DD. Secondary infertility sucks :( Anyway, same goes here if you ever need to talk please PM me too.

Good luck again!