Do you feel angry?

Do you feel angry you are having to go through this process to have a baby? That you have had to suffer losses? That other people, including those who don't even want kids, have babies easily while we still wait for one precious child?

I am really working on accepting things now to let go the bitterness/anger/resentment I do feel- it certainly doesn't bring out the best in me, and it doesn't enhance my life at all... it's hard to just calmly accept though I find....I think I have more acceptance now than I did at first, I guess we just learn to, because to fight and rant and be mad about it all just takes too much energy...and negativity is too draining after a while.

I am trying to find the positives in the experience, and be glad I have the chance for a baby at all...that DH and I are closer as a result, that when it does happen we will appreciate it so much more etc. That life could be worse, and in many ways we are lucky with a nice home, two wonderful dogs, financially secure etc, loving family and friends...

That said, when I see certain things I still feel pretty mad and sorry for myself. :redface:
I come out with some pretty angry comments sometimes...

yea i felt angry- totally amazed that my body just would not do anything by itself, i was furious, and really really really dissapointed in my body.

but............... it makes it soooooooooooooo much sweeter when you have your baby in your arms like you will next year,

a woman/couple who have not yearned/ strived and ached for a baby for sooooooooo long honestly cannot have the immense heart feelings like when you have ached for a child for so long, it even makes mornig sickness enjoyable!

Possums, I definately know where you are coming from. I can't stand going to the shops and seeing parents that just don't seem to care, and it really gets to me sometimes.

I hate that I have to go through this process and am really sick of the 'gross' stuff at the moment (pessaries, crinone, needles, numerous people peering at my private parts). And why do I have to cut out caffeine, and the occasional wine with dinner, when drug addicts or drunk people get pregnant all the time?

My DH is a policeman, and he has some stories of some terrible parents. They really make my blood boil sometimes.

I hope you have an outlet that you can direct your angry comments to. Thankfully, my DH is great, and I can rant and rave at him and he doesn't get offended by anything I say. That definately helps me.

:hug: I really hope it doesn't take too much longer for any of us, because it's so hard sometimes.

xx

Dear Possums,

I feel exactly the way you do. For me TTC and thinking about it has become an obsession I can't escape, and the fact that other women have so easily what we strive for, long for, sacrifice for, spend hard earned money on, compromise our bodies for, is just not fair.

I am so angry that this, the most special thing a couple can do together, that should be filled with excitement and anticipation and love, has been taken away from me. The joy has been stolen from me, for what should be the most amazing experience in my life, of conceiving and creating a child.

I try to tell myself endlessly that this experience has changed my life, made me a better, stronger person who is more in touch with my body, my spirituality, my faith, enhanced my relationship with my husband, and will make me a more appreciative, loving mother when my turn comes.

But really I just wish this didn't have to happen to me and I cry to God 'why me' and 'it's not fair'. I just sucks.

But, what does keep me going sometimes is reading back over the past posts of all the lovely ladies in the Pregnancy after LTTTC threads. They have gone through the same heart wrenching grief and despair and they have succeeded. So I tell myself, and you and everyone else in the same position. ONLY A LITTLE LONGER. WE WILL GET OUR WISH, AND THIS WILL ONE DAY BE JUST A DREAM.

That is my hope, with all my heart, and what keeps me going. Hugs, xx

thanks for the responses everyone


babydreamtime- the loss of joy and love and excitement which should be part of creating a child is an aspect which really upsets me too

Hey Possums
:comfort: Anger is definately a big part of loss. I thiught i was coping really well when i had my ectopic, i accepted that thats just how it was this time and that angel wasnt meant for this world. But about a week after i went out for dinner and came out of the cafe to be faced with a women about 8monthes pregnant having a cigerette and i completely lost it!! I too gave up my caffiene, my dignity and basically my life to have this child i so longed for and here was someone taking it soooo for granted i wanted to punch her lights out. It does get easier but i have to say m y blood still boils when i see people abuse there bodies while pregnant and/or children. I really hope things get easier for you soon Possums and good luck i was keep an eye on where youre at! Take care.

i know this feeling too- it becomes mechanical and almost not a part of you. it's terrible to not bea able to concieve naturally when some women just do so easily- but you knwo what i did?
i just thought - well this is my lot. it is what God has dealt me with and fthisis what i have to do to have my childen.... then i'll do it. so i gave up worrying about why etc. doesnt mean it hurts less, still hutrst when peole iay they "just fell" but my head is clearer. mind you it took #2 to do that.

big hugs.

For a very longtime, all I could feel was anger. I have a 19yo brother who has 3 children (4,2,1) with his 19yo girlfriend and the number of times DOCS have been called in... it makes me so mad that they have these beautiful children and treat them so badly, yet I still can not have a child.
I get angry that we did everything 'right'. We got married first, we bought our house and paid off our cars, and then decided to have children. We didnt 'put our careers first', I am doing this in the prime of my life - 22- and I still can not have a child.

It hurts and I get angry.

I have started going back to church and am also on anti-depressants, to be honest these are the only reasons I feel that I dont feel as angry anymore. But I think you need to be angry for a while, it is part of the grieving process, grieving for our losses and our infertility.

Thanks ladies for sharing your feelings on this aspect of things...it helps knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.

DH and I were looking at some photos last night of a fantastic trip we did around Australia (took a year off), before we bought our house and started TTC. It felt like it was a lifetime ago...like we were different people then, in a different world.
This process and the losses etc is definately life changing!...even before we get to the life-changing event that is motherhood!

I can identify with what everyone else has said. I get angry that we are having to go through this - why us and what have we done wrong. I get angry that our ability to have a child has been taken beyond the control of our bodies - everything goes through a third party, and I feel angry when people just expect us to deal with this as if there is nothing going on in our lives that causes us to be sad, upset and stressed...and I get angry with myself for letting this all get to me and for making me cry when I dont want to, and for making me thing 'evil' thoughts of others who have their babies safely in their arms!

Somedays I deal with this better than others...today is a day that I'm not dealing with it well :redface:

farmgirl...I think those 'evil' thoughts too...then feel guilty and bad for not being capable of just thinking pure saintly thoughts about others more fortunate than me.

and what you have all said does mirror my own thoughts:

I also think...why us? why all this...and after this recent loss...."haven't we had enough happen this year?"....surely it could have been our turn.

I get angry at others who take their pregnancies for granted...or their children for that matter...and who don't look after themselves and their kids properly...
I even feel resentment towards people who are just lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly...

I am sad that we cant conceive in a spiritual and loving way...that unless we have some miracle, it is all so scientific and beyond our control

I get upset that others just dont get it

and I get upset with myself for getting upset and angry!!

Thank goodness I can come on here and talk with people who do understand and also just simply express some of these feelings. I am meanwhile doing my very best to let go some anger and accept...I am sure that will be easier once I have our forever baby!

Possums
Anger can be so consuming can't it. I used to be overcome with it at times (and still sometimes am), and at people I loved just because they had what I couldn't seem to get. Then guilt would kick in too :rolleyes:.

I have spent many sessions with a counsellor to help me realise that anger is a very real part of grieving and what we are doing when LTTTC is grieving. It is so hard to grieve in society and have them understand and be supportive, when they can't see what you are grieving. We are grieving so many things when LTTTC. Eg, lost opportunities, lost experiences, lost chances, lost years with a child, loss in confidence, loss of what it is to be a woman and procreate. Anger is a real emotion. My counsellor has helped me understand that it is ok to feel these emotions but that I have control on what I do with them, that is control over where my thoughts go.

We are told from early on in life that if we want something enough and work hard at it, we should be able to achieve our goals. But with LTTTC you can hit barriers that seem insurmountable and no matter what you throw at it, seems to not shift, fall down or open up.

I feel that we can learn much from it and that it helps to never take things for granted and to appreciate all that we do have in life, rather than focus on what we don't have.

I don't know if this is much help, but they are some things I have learned from this journey.

:hug:
xx

for me my anger was the worst emotion followed by saddness. i use d to go ito the TTC vent thread was great.

thanks LSK and Dusty.

Dusty your wisdom is certainly helpful.... I have been thinking I should go and talk to someone just to help sort out my emotions...I keep thinking I am doing OK on my own...and in many ways I am...by taking up activities, focussing on DH and I, yoga, walking, working on my own state of mind etc...but I still think it would help me to talk to a professional too, might help me understand and structure things in my own mind even more...even though rationalising things doesnt make them go away, for me understanding things as best I can certainly helps! I am a control freak on top of things...not a good personality trait when going through AC!

Hi Guys - I feel angry (and sad) almost every day. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't actually write in any of these threads, because I do have one very special and beautiful little girl, conceived through IUI after approx. 18 months of trying to conceive naturally. So I have my little miracle, and then I look at all you guys and I just feel so bad that I still feel angry and upset that I cannot get another much longer for BFP. Especially when my brother at age 50 and his partner just had a little baby this month. My niece also drank and smoked all the way through her three pregnancies and has three very normal children. I also have a couple of friends that fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, almost if there DH walks past them, thats all it seems to take. My friends have now had their second child and some are even on third pregnancies and it really makes get togethers rather difficult, well for me anyway.

Sorry guys I seem to have vented away here (rather than the vent forum), but I get so angry also :redface: and it really ticks me off no end when I go to our Fertility Clinic (which is based in a maternity/women's hospital) and you see all the pregnant woman outside SMOKING.... man I get annoyed with that......

Thanks for listening to me rant and rave, it has made me feel a lot better...

I wish you all so much love and luck with achieving your BFP's - you and everyone else in here totally deserve a little miracle baby.

Possums, another self confessed control freak here! I can recommend talking with a professional. It has made a huge difference to me and DH to find someone we relate to and trust. Good luck with that and glad my perspective may have helped a little.

Jodie :hug:, you are carrying too large a load with your own journey to feel guilty comparing your secondary infertility journey to primary infertility. IMO it is just a big a deal and just as difficult, if not sometimes more difficult and a real stress. I am glad you have vented here, if you need the support or advice or whatever, please ask away, no guilt attached, that is what Belly Belly is here for. There are quite a few women with secondary infertility to talk to if you want who know only too well how hard it can be. PM me for details if you want to.

xx

I see pregnant women smoking all the time at my Fertility Clinic too (I'm pretty sure we're at the same one Jodie). I wish I could slap them sometimes.

One thing that really gets to me is coming out from a blood test/transfer/fs appointment and seeing a pregnant couple going into the emergency, obviously so excited that their precious bundle is going to be born. I can't help getting choked up at that sight, thinking "that could have been me . . ." I don't know why I do it to myself sometimes.

Please don't feel bad Jodie, you have as much right as the rest of us to post in these threads!!

When I read a story in SMH this morning about a baby used as punching bags and ended up dying, I was angry...

When I hear in the news that those people who have babies just to get the baby bonus, because they've never seen that much money in their lives, I get so so angry...

We are here, trying everything we can, emotionally and financially trying to cope the dissappointment, loss, heartache and saddness, we are in so many ways are so ready to have a child and we are doing all the right things, like some of you said, even go out of our way to achieve our goals, no smoking, no drinking, living like a saint, yet still, this is not good enough to be blessed for a baby.

This is when I think God is so unfair sometimes, then I get angry too. So, sorry Possoms, I don't have a solution for it, but I think vent it out is a good therapy session and thanks for starting this thread.

Whilst trying to conceive for 2.5years to finally have my 1st bub in my arms at 40 ... i just simply could NOT ever get an image out of my head for those whole 2.5years in trying & my heart breaking day by day ... I saw once on the train going home one late night after work in the city ...

Was about 8pm & the train was packed of passengers ... and there for ALL to see was a Mother i'm guessing about 30's so drugged up that she kept passing out whilst holding on to a Macca's shake & sloppy burger ... yes, you guessed it with a toddler in a grotty stroller looking at us all seeming very protective of her Mother (almost like a wild cub) as someone quickly moved to stop the milkshake spilling everywhere on other passengers :wall:

I looked at this little girl and thought 'WHY' can't she be my daughter ... this sweet little innocent child living a life with a Mother who is obviously a drug-addict & she can't provide adequate care that her child so rightly deserves !!

It was a full train ... BUT a very silent trip ... I think many passengers where having many heartbreaking thoughts for that little girl and wondering what life lies ahead of her :pray:

Thanks Dusty and Alloy. Dusty your words made me cry, thankyou from the bottom of my heart, and as cuddlepie said Possums - thanks for starting this thread. :thumbsup:

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. So many of you have put into words how I feel about TTC. It's something I have to keep reminding myself - it is a "means to an end" but the underlying emotions are something you just don't want to drag people down by talking about it. It is hard to keep smiling when others just don't understand.
Thank you girls - you understand.

Hi Girls,

I thought I might jump on the band wagon too. I'm pretty angry and sad with TTC at the moment too.
Also having secondary fertility issues, like jodie, I feel a little out place, feeling bad that I am so angry and sad at the moment when I have been blessed with a DS. Unfortunately each month of BFN, a loss to an ectopic pregnancy (with the removal my left tube) and a totally erratic cycle makes the pain very real.
I feel as if I'm still only at the beginning of a very long TTC #2 journey.

Last week, a very close work colleague confided in me that she had an abortion last year. That was absolutely heart wrenching :cry:

Thanks for the thread.

Oh ladies, I just want to give you all a big hug and say I am sorry you are in this boat with me...but thank you for sharing...this thread feels like a chance for lots of us to exhale and vent a bit, and that's got to be a good thing! It so so helps knowing I am not alone, and can talk to ladies who understand me...and to know I am not the only one to bubble over with anger sometimes, either at the situation or at other people, after which I often have a good old :cry:
I think something that I think it was Dusty said, struck home with me...and that is that while LTTTC we are in a grieving process...sad for the loss of so many things...and with that comes the anger and the tension etc I hadnt really viewed it that way, but it's so true.
And on top of that, some of us sadly are grieving the loss of one or more babies.... no wonder we get mad!
plus we also have lives to live and other people in our lives to love and care for too...and jobs to manage etc etc :juggle:
Anyway, I know a few of you thanked me for starting this thread, but I am just so glad you have all responded.
And I am also quite sure secondary infertility must be very hard also.

:pray: that soon we can have babies to help soothe our souls

DH and I have been TTC for just over 2 years, and I find that its mostly a way of life now. I have mostly good days, interspersed with a few bad ones. DH is great at supporting me, but doesn't quite understand why I can get so upset over something that is not going to happen for us - he's a very logical man :)

Recently, the thing I've found the hardest is when friends get pregnant and say 'I feel so soryr for you, because I didn't even want this baby'. My sister (ticker below) is about to have her baby boy, and when she first fell pregnant she kept offering her baby to me, because she didn't want it. I understand where they are coming from, but I just don't wanna hear how much you don't want your baby - believe me, I appreciate the irony!

I decided to start spending MORE time with my yummy mummy GF's - they have all been so supportive of us, and we babysit all the time, and sometimes have sleepovers as well. Whenever I start aching, I call one of them up and ask to visit, or borrow their kids so they can have some time to themselves - nobodies said no yet!

Offering all of you yummy-mummies-to-be and big :hug: and the promise that when you're turn comes, I'll be one of the first to throw :confetti:!

Possums - great thread idea :hug:

I always thought that I had worked through all my issues of anger and "its not fair" by the time we started TTC. See I have always known that falling pregnant was going to be an issue for me. I have never had a proper cycle. When I was young the doc's just put this down to me being underweight (I was a ballet dancer), but just before my DH and I got married I was finally properly diagnosed with PCOS. I was a bit of an atypical case as weight was not an issue (which also meant that I could not help my fertility by losing weight) and testosterone was not an issue either. But needless to say I was going to have problems falling pregnant naturally.

I thought I was fine with accepting all of this and when we started TTC with OI I just threw myself into it and thought "this is just my cross to bear - I will get pregnant". Then my younger sister who had just got married fell pregnant. They were not officially trying, but they went off the pill and she fell pregnant straight away. I was obviously happy for her (she is a wonderful sister) but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was devastated, I couldn't talk to her without crying, so I just avoided her as I did not want to upset her at a time when she should be rejoycing (although I know that hurt her just as much).

We then found out that we had to move to IVF. I was just so damaged by this time, angry, upset... I withdrew from everyone, my family and my friends as I just could not handle anything. BB was really my saving grace as it was the only place where people actually understood the pain that I was feeling. After our first cycle was a BFN I was obviously devastated, but something happened inside me. It was like I let go of all the negative stuff. I suddenly was able to feel excited for my sister and reconnected with people. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I felt at peace with my journey. It was after this that we got our BFP on our FET cycle (I'm not saying that me making peace with it all made the difference - but that is how things worked for me).

To all of you still going through hard, emotional journey... I admire everyone of you, I feel your heartache and I am here cheering you all on every step of the way. You are all such amazing women who will be the most incredible mothers. Each time one of you achieves your BFP - it brings back the feeling I had when I achieved mine.

Janie xxx