Co-sleeping with child. What happens to partner?

Hi

I am really interested in the idea of co-sleeping, but find it a bit concerning that many threads mention that one parent sleeps in a different bed or room.

I have also read threads where both parents and child happily sleep in one bed, so know that it can work.

For those who sleep with child (and not partner), just wondering if you can explain your thinking on this.

Does it create issues in your relationship? Does your partner feel like he/she is being rejected for the baby?

As a couple, do you see it a short term 'sacrifice' for the greater benefits that your child will have?

How does it go when you and partner get to share a bed again?

I have been thinking about this for awhile, and just trying to work it out.

Thanks,

Hi Kate

In our case it was DP's idea and he was the one who started co-sleeping with DD in a separate bed to give me a full night's sleep. I had HUGE problems breastfeeding and by that stage she was having a bottle so it didn't matter who got up in the middle of the night. DP was also much more confident co-sleeping because he had done it before with his first daughter (from another relationship).

After that, we figured there was no point us both being tired so I did the vast, vast majority of the overnights while DP slept in a separate room. He's a shiftworker too so for us it makes sense for him to be in a separate bed.

Has it caused issues? Well, we've had lots of issues in our relationship anyway which we are working on. I don't think sleeping separately is one of them BUT the feeling that you are doing everything yourself while someone else is sleeping can be a problem. But that can happen regardless of whether your partner is sleeping in the same bed or in a separate room! I found it really annoying if DP was in the bed and I was trying to be quiet feeding and settling DD without waking him up. Easier if he was in a separate room. On the nights where all three of us were in the same bed, we did manage that quite well when she was very little but it got trickier when she could roll around and she would often lie horizontally so that DP and I had about an inch of space each on the edge of the bed, with her in the middle.

On the whole though, I am VERY happy with our (and it was "our") decision to co-sleep. Initially it was with DD in our room, then in our bed and now back to a cot still in our room (until we renovate). My only regret is that DD now won't have a bar of sleeping in our bed and much prefers her own space. I can't imagine having to get up in the middle of the night to go into a separate room if all she wanted was a bit of comfort. It's been brilliant for me - I often didn't get out of bed, just said "sleepy time now baby" a few times and she would nod off again. Or, pick her up and put her into bed with me and again, asleep within a couple of minutes.

I never co-slept with no1, she was a wonderful sleeper and loved her cot and her own bed.

No2 was a unsettled little fella and it all happened on its own. Dp would take him into the lounge room to give me more sleep (he wasn't working then, waiting for a knee op), then bring him back in when he settled and jump in too, or pop him in and watch a movie or something (being a night owl that he is).

No3 - well it was just easier for everyone and TBH Dp really loved coming in in the morning to see us all snuggled in together, or the kids would go snuggle with him on the couch giving me a little lie in. I suppose we just took sleep any way we could get it!

It sort of evolved, we didn't discuss it much. He certainly doesn't feel pushed out for the babies. They both have their own beds (dds is next to mine) now and Dp has just started popping back in here and there. Its kinda nice actually but we are both very HOT sleepers and found it hard to sleep in the same bed in the first place. He is also not here full time anymore so Im sure that has something to do with it!

Hi Kate
I cosleep with DS and the first couple of weeks DH slept in the spare room. Mostly because i wanted him to have a good night sleep for work the next day .
I dont mind him in the other room as it gives us more space in the bed so i dont feel like i am quished as DS can spread himself out!!
But DH came back into our bed from week 3 and wants to stay so that is fine too.

We have a king size bed though so we get a little extra room and it has not effected our relationship in either option at all.

It actually felt like i was dating again having him in the other room ... hehe... sneek in!

Hi Kate, firstly, co-sleeping is just wonderful. I could never do the controlled crying thing (tried it once and it was too heartbreaking) so I just slept with our DD for 10 months. She has only recently moved into a toddler bed (as she never liked a cot) and loves that, the transition has been excellent, never thought it would be so easy!

We are a family who slept together, only my DP would go in the other room if he was REALLY TIRED and needed some sleep as he works shift work. I didn't mind that at all. Most of the time, we all slept together. It was beautiful to wake up next to our daughter every morning.

Recently, she had started kicking in our bed so we had to think of another alternative. At the moment, I am in her room and have been for 3 weeks. I don't really miss my DP too much but it will be good to get back in there again soon. I have just wanted to ensure my DD is fine in her new surroundings.

But it has done nothing to our relationship being apart! It's a small sacrifice to pay short term for long term benefits, that's how we see it anyway.

HTH ;)

For those that are worried about rolling onto the baby I used to worry about that too! But I can't quite describe it, I would wake any movement or noise my DD made funnily enough, it was like an instinct and I can't quite describe it. There are beds you can get that fit in the middle of the adult bed I believe.

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone but definately was for us!!!

We co-slept in our bed for the first 4 weeks, I don't think it did anything to our relationship. I worried that it might but to be honest there was nothing else either of us wanted to do in bed but sleep LOL. We stopped because our bed is only a double so a bit small, Jazz sleeps in a cot at the foot of our bed until her night feed (about 3am) then she comes back in with us most mornings. We don't have a spare bed anymore so that wasn't an option, though I don't think either of us would anyway, its nice to be altogether.

I agree with queenbee, I woke to Jazz everytime she moved, and I always knew where she was like i could sense her.

DS starts out the night in his own cot (and DH & I in our own bed). Once DS wakes up in the night, I co-sleep with him in a single bed in his room. That way DH& I still get our time together at the start of the night - but DS doesn't get woken up by DH's alarm in the morning.

The single bed has a rail on one side - so DS sleeps between the rail & me. I've never rolled onto him, but I have bumped him with my elbow when I stretched out in the morning!

With DD when she was new XP left us to sleep in the spare room because we were "noisy and annoying keeping him awake" - he was NOT helpful at night! However at that point she wasn't truly co-sleeping, because she was theoretically in a cot next to my side of the bed, but he objected to the fact that for the first few weeks i had to put the light on and sit up to help her get onto the breast well. I did once pull the same stunt on him when i was literally seeing things that weren't there due to exhaustion - got a great solid 4 hours which set me up! :D We broke up soon after (nothing to do with sleeping arrangments, had been on the rocks a long time and refusing to see it).

With DP now we have only co-slept all together a handful of times because he's only here a few times a week, but when we do nothing "happens" to him. We only have a 4-foot futon actually, so it can be a squeeze! Basically DD stumbles in in the middle of the night and picks a side to get into. She once or twice has gotten in between us, but generally she gets in the outside next to one or other of us. Whoever is closest to her snuggles her in and we all go back to sleep.

We actually love family cuddles in the mornings and she ALWAYS gets in bed for those, but i have to be honest, we're in the process of moving in together and top of the list is a super-king-size bed to fill with babies - it really IS a squeeze with 3 of us in a 4' bed!

So co-sleeping is something we do and plan to continue to do with future bubs for the following reasons:
- lack of sleep IME causes far more agruments moods and upset than lack sex-in-bed or sleeping-together. I wouldn't mind DP having the odd night to catch some zzzz's when we have a baby, because his work is high pressure and highly intellectually demanding, so if he's over-tired he's useless, and it's his wage which will allow me to be a SAHM. And i found it really DOES mean a better sleep if bubs is close to me and doesn't need to cry or fuss for me in the night.
- i find the better connected i am to my DD the better she behaves and the more fun we have together. I put a lot of this down to the bodning time we've had co-sleeping and baby-wearing, because i had to wean off the breast at 7 months so BFing was no longer available bonding time. I know lots of babies who will bond during bottle-time but unfortunately my DD wouldn't have anything of that - if she was getting a bottle SHE wanted to hold it and SHE wanted to feed it and SHE wanted to have it while she was still having fun and learning - if i held her she'd grizzle and refuse to take it anyway.
- we tend not to have much sex in the bedroom anyway :redface: - we have polenty of sex, but the bed is an occasional venue rather than staple stuff, so it doesn't affect our relationship that way.

My experience with DD was the the first 3 months are to be enjoyed AND survived. And if surviving with our tempers and relationship intact means we spend the occasional night in seperate beds, well, i'm ok with that. :)

HTH

Bx

DH didn't like sleeping in the same room as DS, even with him in a cot, so happily moved out. I was fine with him staying or going, didn't really bother me.

We now have lovely snuggly morning cuddles, the three of us, and DH just LOVES that, especially if DS wakes up after 5.30am and I let him go back to sleep in our bed (he won't sleep alone after about this time) - DS doesn't wake DH as much if he's in with us and the joy on their faces when they can play peek-a-boo over me is... quite sad, in the case of DH tbh. He's not that excited to see me first thing in the morning!

Sharing a bed again. That was quite easy. I had to re-train DH that I like to be cuddled before sleep, but that didn't take too long. We didn't have a problem with any relationship aspect either, just because we weren't sharing a bed. I mean, we didn't for quite a long time when we were dating, so it's not as if we can't enjoy each other's company outside the bedroom. But we just made sure that if we did want to do anything, we had condoms in every room of the house so wherever we were, we didn't have to sneak into the bedroom, and potentially wake DS up, so we could have sex!

We never saw it in terms of sacrificing anything, nor in benefits for DS. We just knew it was what worked for us, so go for it. We didn't feel hard done to (in fact DH loved the fact I couldn't wake him up in the middle of the night, also he got a lie-in most weekends!) and although I could state benefits, that wasn't considered. Except if external people (ie our parents) wanted justification, then it was all "regulates breathing and diurnal rhythm" and stuff. It was more "I'm dropping off to sleep holding DS in the night, blow it, let's just co-sleep properly and I'll be more rested."

we have so-slept on and off over the last couple of years. Mainly DS has slept in his own room but for the last few months he wont sleep through unless he is co sleeping, so it usually ends up with DH in DS bed and DS in bed with me. DH hates co sleeping so it makes senswe for him to go and sleep by himself. DH hates not sleeping with me though and would rather DS slept in his own room, but we perfer a good nights sleep so we usually end up cosleeping at some point during the night. I LOVE having DS in bed beside me, its the most beautiful thing in the world and as he is my only child i want to make the most of this time that he wants to e close to me, cause all too soon he wont want anything to do with me!

I'm a big fan of co-sleeping...so is DH because everything is more peaceful. We have a queen sized bed and maybe because DH and I aren't big people there was just enough room for all of us. I would love a king sized bed though... infact our next bed will be a king... I'm already buying king sized sheets in readiness. If our babies were going through tricky periods then we'd often roll a futon out in our bedroom and I'd sleep down there with the baby while DH remained in our bed. When baby finally settled I'd slip back up into our bed, leaving the baby on the futon. That worked REALLY well.

My DH chooses not to sleep in the bed, though admittedly it's much more comfy if he doesn't. I get more sleep co sleeping and so does DH which results in a happier mummy, and there fore a happier everyone! DH sleeps on a mattress on the floor in our room, or in DD's room on her big bed (she's still in her cot) or sometimes on the lounge. As for sex, we just find alternatives. It doesn't have to happen in bed all the time. It rarely does for us if ever now!!

Whenever we co-sleep we're all in the bed. There is no way either DH or I would leave the bed. Neither of us sleep well without the other there and while I have to admit that when he gets up to do the early shift with one of the girls and I get a couple of hours of bed to myself (except for the cat) its lovely to sprawl, but a couple of hours is the absolute limit.

Thank you so much for all your replies, and sharing your stories.

Although, you might co-sleep in different ways, i can see that the ways you have developed work for you, and we will find the way that works for us.

I wasn't worried so much about the sex side of it, but similar to LuluHB i just love the staying in the same bed, knowing he is there, and cuddles and touches. I have a shift working partner, like many others (there are heaps of us), and although sometimes it is nice to starfish, we both sleep better when we are both there.

Thanks again,

Kate

Kate you might not find this, but i found the first few weeks after DD was born i actually welcomed the fact that XP had left the bed and i was having less cuddles and touches.

That sounds really off i know, and some of it WILL have been down to our relationship being so rocky, but i went from when i was pregnant having my own body i could share when i wanted, to BFing a newborn which was sometimes BFing for 60 our of every 120mins round the clock. I was over-touched. I felt like i NEVER had my own physical space - I just wanted some space when i could have it. Now i know some of it was my relationship because XP acted jealous of DD and demanded physicality (not sex) at inapproriate moments (like no, i do not want to lie and cuddle with you while DD screams next to me and milk for her is jetting out of my breasts!). BUt i'm sure some of it is just because the physical reliance of the baby on one can be overwhelming until one gets used to it (i felt much better by 3 or 4 months when the feeds had settled into a 3-4hour pattern).

You might not find you feel this at ALL, but i thought a heads up, so you don't feel as i did that there must be something wrong with you, might help :)

Bx

I often felt the same as Hoobley too, especially with a clingy toddler as well. Like if one more person touches me or speaks to me I'll explode!!!!

:

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At the moment, I am in her room and have been for 3 weeks. I don't really miss my DP too much but it will be good to get back in there again soon. I have just wanted to ensure my DD is fine in her new surroundings.HTH ;)

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OH NO....went into our bed last night for first time in 3 weeks and we both had the worst sleep ever and DD was in her own bedroom! What does that say?! :rolleyes:

I never got "touched-out" - I was the one wanting more cuddles from DH! HE was the one who didn't like post-coitial let-down; I found (find) it amusing.

I found sleep SO hard when DS stopped waking up all the time. You wake up in a blind panic "why isn't he crying? Has he screamed himsef hoarse for the last five hours? Is he dead?" No, he slept through. That's what you wanted him to do, remember?

LOL Ryn!

I sometimes get 'touched out' too, but it's happening less and less now. It does sound strange, but when you HAve this (wonderful) baby attached to you for much of the day, you sort of relish the times when you can stretch out without touching ANYONE!

We co-slept full time for the first 6 months, then art time for another 6 months. Mostly it was all 3 of us in 1 bed. But maybe once every couple of weeks DH would sleep in the spare room for a couple of nights. This was usually during teething or when he had a huge workload which required him to get up very early (4 am) and it was so that he could get a decent night's sleep and also so he wouldn't wake us up when getting ready for work.
I always missed him and didn't like sleeping apart. I never resented him for sleeping while I was up with DD. Due to his snoring, we actually slept better when he wasn't around - lol.
I personally wouldn't want to make it a regular occurence. I find the responsibilities of parenting are hard enough on a relationship without feeling like the baby separates you. On the other hand, loving a child together is incredibly strengthening for the relationship, too.
Other people might not associate those feelings with sleeping apart and it might be a good solution for them. So I guess every situation and every couple is different.

Saša

co-sleeping with your child is the most wonderful experience.
i'm not sure if you've read a lot of literature on it, including 'the science of parenting'? but i can already see the benefits coming through in ds's personality and behaviour. he is the most affectionate, gentle soul- and people just love being around him. he looks right into your eyes when you're talking to him, and often gives big loving cuddles to strangers who show an interest in him. i may be reading too much into it, but i attribute a lot of this to co-sleeping, as many of peers with babies around the same age who don't co-sleep, often comment on it.
i agree with what hoobley has said, that lack of sleep would cause way greater issues in my and dp's relationship than sleeping seperately ever would. i have to say, in fact, that we have never been closer.
as a sahm, i feel like it is my responsibility to deal with ds during the night-time, so that dp can be healthy and happy at work. others may not agree with me, but this is what works in our household. dp works long hours and does a lot of travel. he just can't cope if he's tired. he works hard so that i can stay home with our child. i therefore see it as my role to ensure that he gets the sleep he needs.
we both really enjoy sleeping seperately- sounds crazy i know- but he gets time to himself, an uninterupted sleep. he is not a snuggler in bed, and doesn't like to cuddle up, he likes to be left alone. he finds me way to snuggly! i get to snuggle up to ds all night long and he often wakes me up in the morning with kisses. it's just so lovely. on weekends ds will often start calling out to dp when he wakes so dp will come and jump in bed with us. we find it to be the perfect arrangement for our family, for now. ds is not going to be a little snuggler forever, so i'm just trying to enjoy the moment.
and like others have said, it does not affect our sexlife, as we don't only have sex in bed at night. without going into too much detail, ds often goes to bed at 8-9pm so we have a good 2-3 hours at night by ourselves together.
overall, all 3 of us are really enjoying the expereince atm, and if anything it is making us closer as a family unit.