Tearing my heart out... what would you do?

I'm at my wits end, I am close to tears every morning when I take Elijah to care and feel that I can't take much more...

He started the year at 3 year old kinder, which was 2.5h x 3 a week, and with the centre opening etc I needed more. He'd hate going to kinder, sometimes there were tears and it would be hard, but I needed to work so I looked into all day care. He was fine at first, started a couple of days a week and its built up to 4 days. He's gotten so much worse, he starts crying the minute I go to dress him and sobs that he doen't want to go, which escalates when we are in the car, then when we've dropped off Marisa (he knows he's next) and then when we get there. He slows down when we are inside and tries to hide that he's crying, trying to be strong, but he broke down when I left today.

It's killing me, its tearing my heart out... he said he wants to go somewhere else, but I am worried he will be the same and John said well what happens when he goes to school, you going to change him then... to which I snapped back that he doesn't know what it's like to have to take a bawling and sobbing 4 year old to daycare 4 times a week, which has been going on all year... its been long and stressful...

I dont know what to do, I do the drop off and leave right away without showing signs of being upset and today I stayed with him for a bit, he has two friends he loves there, divvy's little Ned and one child he's met at care but he doesnt want to play anymore. Doing my head in.... feel like the worst mum in the world and I dont know what to do :cry::cry::cry:

Oh no Kelly :hug: That must be so very hard.

Have you spoken to the carers to see how he is during the day? I know that most kids stop crying the minute the parent is out of sight. But this sounds like it's more than that. Do you think something has triggered this - like an incident or that he just doesn't like being away from you?

I think there are probably some things you can try to help, but it would probably depend on whether it's just the drop off which is the problem or the whole day. Off the top of head some things you could try are getting someone else to drop him off, or giving him something special to take with him.

I hope you find some answers Kel. I can't imagine how stressful it must be :hug:

Oh Kelly, that sounds just awful, my heart is breaking for you. The fact that he is trying to put on a brave face is soooo sad. I would be a bit worried that he actually wants to change daycare centres, (not stop going all together) is there something happening there, with another child or teacher that he doesnt want to tell you? I'm sure you have already tried to get him to talk to you about it, but maybe try and get him to draw some pictures of his time at daycare...maybe you could get some hints from that.
I hope it is just that he doesnt want to be away from you, and nothing more.
Best of luck and {{big hugs}}.

I'm sure the other girls will pop in and give you advice/tips on possible ways to make him more settled at CC but I just wanted to throw in another option.

I get in-home care for DD which we qualify for because DP is a shiftworker. Basically, the service is offered through our local childcare centre and a carer comes into our home and 95% of the time it's the same carer.

One of the other eligibility criteria is if you work from home which you do, I think. So that might be worth investigating if you think Elijah would be more settled with one-on-one care at home - not that he has to be AT home - the carer can take him out to the park, play centre even the childcare centre etc.

Though I understand that as he's now 4 you may prefer him to go to CC for socialisation aspects rather than have the one-on-one care.

It costs $22 per hour for one child and $2 extra for each 'extra' child. But obviously you get 50% of that back. There's a 4-hour minimum block but no minimum blocks per week. So sometimes, for instance, we have 1-3 blocks per week, other times we have nothing at all.

Thanks so much for the support guys. It's killing me.

Sorry I forgot to add, I have tried asking him alot what he doesn't like about it, the only thing I have gotten out of him is that he doesn't like rest time (they have to lie down etc) as he's not slept during the day for a while now. I told the carers and on the whiteboard they put all the time when they sleep from and they write down that he had quiet play/reading time. So they are trying to help, I dont know if I should teach him that if he doesn't like something you can just change to something else, rather than hang in there but the fact its gotten like this I am just so confused. All the other kids look really happy and well adjusted. I might look into family day care but I really do see him being like this everywhere :( Never know unless I try I guess... will make some enquiries. Argh its so so hard.

:hug: hun it must be soooo hard seeing him getting so upset :( i like Fionas suggestion, may be worth looking into!!

Can I just ask is he going to school next year, and is he at a CCC, or a preschool???

:hug: Kelly its so hard to see your little one not adapting.

Matilda had a horrendous time at CC. She wouldn't eat or sleep the entire time she was there. She would cry for hours.... that is why we tried Montessori, because there is more "structure" but its free as well. She thrived there, except the occasional social play ground issues. At first, she was scared of going & did the same things Elijah does, she would cry as I was getting her dressed and sob on the way there. I found out 2 weeks into it that it was the bell they rang for the children to go to class or listen. The sound upset her so much, so the teachers started telling Matilda that they were going to ring the bell & she was fine from then on.

Both my girls have thrived in Family Day Care, and they would go to playgroup with the carer to get socialisation and they both loved it. :hug:

Oh you poor thing, nothing hurts more than your upset little one.

It might just be the place. Not that there is anything wrong with it, it may just be the place for him.....

When I was little I hated my first pre school, I cried and cried and cried until the teachers would call my mum to come and get me. I just hated it, I don't know why.

My mum changed my preschool, and I was fine at the next place.

Silly, no reason to it, it was just one of those things.

Maybe you could send him for a trial day to a different place to see how he goes?

Kelly I have vivid recollections of being a 3 year old and not coping with the Kinder I was at the time. It was a large centre with a big open playroom and I was overwhelmed by all the noise and all the children, I could not compete for toys either, there were lots of carers but I just didn't bond with any of them. In the end my mother found another centre (I think it was church run) which was quieter, had more space and the play things were spread out differently. I remember loving going there and there was a lady with long curly hair who sang songs with us everyday and it was just right for me.

I really think your DS's distress is a sign that this centre is not right for him. It might be fine for all the other kids but just not a good 'fit' for his personality, kwim? Checking out FDC is a great idea (my kids have always been in FDC so I'm a big fan), but also shop around for other centres, and go with your instinct.

You will know you have found the right place when you feel that calm empathy oozing from the carer towards your child. :hug:

Thanks everyone, your posts are helping sooooo much. As you know I am so pro-gentle parenting but sometimes things play in your mind when people think that you are being too soft on them. I'll look into other options, this can't be right or healthy for him.

Its occasional care, he doesn't do kinder anymore as 2.5 hours at a time is too hard for me to manage working fulltime. He will be doing care again next year, then school. Thanks guys *huge hugs*

I just rang the council and they have nothing for family day care :( They are even doing placements for next year and have nothing, so I am on a waiting list... fingers crossed... will try some other centres in the meantime I guess, if he can do one day a week we can see if he likes it better. *sigh*

Kel
Is Elijah picking up on what is going on at home? Could that be part of the problem?

Just an "out there" thought, could he travel in with Neddy, either Ned comes to your place in the moring or Elijah go to Div's place? Make it a little less traumatic????

He is such a sweetheart, sending the three of you hugs.

Kelly - do you know anyone who has their child in FDC? If you do, perhaps you could speak to the FDC provider and explain your situation and see if they are able to help you out? Or if they're not able to help, maybe they know someone who could.

I don't think you're being soft at all. How can we help our children thrive in life if we ignore them when they're at their most vulnerable?

Since he has a year left of care before school, I would reccomend a preschool type setting for next year.

They will have simiular routines to school, that wont include a rest time, and classes are generally smaller. He will be slightly more structured, and the kids will all be his own age.

He definatly isn't happy where he is, and it must be so heartbreaking for you babe.... :cry:

Maybe start a dialogue now, of "big preschool" next year, where he wont have to nap, and see if he gets excited.... If the change makes him happy, then he needs to be outta the CCC....

Sometimes large centres with all ages and no set "work"eg, letters, numbers, colours etc just aren't what our little ones want.... ;)

:

---

Kelly - do you know anyone who has their child in FDC? If you do, perhaps you could speak to the FDC provider and explain your situation and see if they are able to help you out? Or if they're not able to help, maybe they know someone who could.

---

Very good advice Celsie. Often places fill by word-of-mouth instead of through the office. Ask around and keep asking. The carer that DD2 is with now was 'not taking any more children'...that is until she met my DD (who she now adores) and decided that she could squeeze one more into her week LOL.

have you looked in to a fulltime nanny?? you can get the same rebates as ccc's as long as they are registered. he would then be at home or she/he could take him to kinder.
speak to the carers ask what he is like once you are gone...often they will stop crying shortly after you are gone.
is hea shedule type of boy? likes to know whats happening next??
we had one boy who his mum would tell him what time she was going to pick him up and all day he would ask what the time was(annoying for the carers but great for him) and he knew that it was getting closer.
other things to try
-would be not always dropping him of last ( if possible)
- try and time it that you and div get there the same ish time so you can walk in together a distraction from the beginning.
- maybe one day organise with the carers to read to the group so you stay for a good hour or so.

HTH

The group he is in has no more than 10 in the class, its nice and small, they all come together for playtime though and they are fine. He is fine after I leave him. But the gutwrenching bawling starting from getting him dressed to leaving him, every single day is hell :(

Aw honey, huge hugs.

I'll have a word to my other daycarer (FDC), she's having Neddy fulltime from 27 January when she returns from overseas. If you were looking for fulltime, she's probably more interested. I'll have to talk to her though.

Neddy will be there Mondays and Fridays until the end of January, so perhaps this might help Lijie?

And he is probably picking up on what happens at home - I know mine did.

It's just so hard doing it all on your own, I so feel for you. I'd be lost without my parents! If I could afford to houseshare, I would, but the finances are looking very awful atm.

I think Lijie would probably be like this at most centres, TBH. I think it's more his personality than the centre, IYKWIM. My two love it there, Alex is going back on Friday as well. Lijie is a sensitive chappy, and there is lots of colour and noise there.

I'm more than happy to drop Neddy off at your place on Mondays and Fridays if you want to drop him off at the same time as Lijie... it's on my way to the station anyway! Happy to do whatever I can to help. Let me know what you want...

Aww Kelly :hug:. I know the feeling well. My DS started 3 y/o kinder this year and he didn't cope well with me leaving him at first. He's always been a mummy's boy and it was really hard for him to watch me leave him. I would DREAD taking him there, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that he actually enjoyed himself after I left and when I went to pick him up he was happy.

I spoke to his teacher a lot and she was wonderful at helping integrate him. He got used to it within a month and the crying stopped. But then there was a temporary change of teacher and it all went out the window again. He went back to crying hysterically when it was time to leave for kinder, even just mentioning kinder on the other days was enough to start him crying. One time he was so upset he threw up all over himself in the car at the kinder carpark :(. Once his teacher was back I rang her and she agreed to work with us again and he stopped the crying after the 3rd class back thankfully.

I'm not much help, I'm really just someone who understands the pain of watching your child cry like that. It's heartbreaking and it takes a lot of strength from you to keep persevering :hug:. It sounds like it's extra hard when you're getting unhelpful comments from his dad, no one knows what it's like unless you're there in the moment.

I hope you find the right place for him soon :hug: :hug:.

Hi
I own a child care centre and we have had a couple of children not wanting to come to day care because of rest time, so we decided to stop rest time for our 4 -5 year olds and give them a choice on wheather they would like a rest. It has worked really well. Maybe suggest this to your day care centre and see what they say. You can say to them that you do not want your child to have a rest during the day.

Cathie

Kelly, Abbey went through this not long ago. It lasted about 6 weeks for us and was hell. I had to take time off work and fly my MIL over from Adelaide to help out.

We found that Abbey getting some quality 1:1 time with me and Grandma (she had 1 day a week out of CC and spent it with Gran) really helped. In the meantime, we carried her into the centre (she was making herself a dead weight and dropping on the floor when we got in), ignored tantrums in her room (which we do anyway), and encouraged distraction techniques. I had a word to the carers and Director so they would also help with distraction. The best thing that worked for us was getting her to watch for us through the windows into the corridor and wave goodbye. There is also a BIG window in her room which overlooks the road intersection - so we got her to stand at the window and we'd wave from the car. Not a tear or tantrum to be seen! :dance: We also noticed she was worse when we dropped her into the combined room in the mornings - so we try to drop her off after that has ended and if it is earlier, they try to get her into her normal room ASAP. She is a LOT better now. Back to being her normal happy self and loving child care - she runs in and is all smiles. Waves us off and gives us a huge kiss. It is wonderful.

Hang in there and follow your heart.

Hey Cathie, they already do that. I spoke to him about it again after kinder, he always asks when i pick him up if he has care the next day... he said he wants to come to the centre with me :( he doesnt want another cc centre, he wants to be with me :(

Wednesdays are his day off care (and mine off the centre), I do spend the whole day with just him...

Hun I think he is picking up on what is happening at home. When we moved it was a massive change for Sarah and she took a couple of days at daycare to re adjust. Has John spoken to him about care? Does John see the kids regularly? It is normal for big changes at home to trigger increased separation anxiety.

Hang in there Kelly. It is another of life's big challenges. I hope he regains his independance soon.

Just a quick thought, How would Elijah cope with a day at the centre with you? how would YOU cope with that idea? Some kids just want to know what you do all day while they are away from you.

Heya hon, he's usually fine for a little while but after then he's very bored and gets very silly/naughty. Its extremely stressful with him there. He's been a few times already, when I first opened and he was there last week for one day when I let him come with me. So not an option :(

Would it be possible to set up a creche at the centre? It would probably get a lot of client business during appointments, and then if Elijah was in there you could pop in as required to settle him, and you are less than 5 minutes away at all times. I can understand him being underfoot while you are trying to get work done being stressful - I cant get anything done while the girls are awake!

Good luck hun!!

Kelly, :hug: the fact that he doesn't want to leave YOU probably means that it isn't the CCC itself. That's not necessarily going to change even if you move him. He is probably feeling the separation so much more with everything that's been going on. And so must you be!! No wonder you feel guilty... You are doing your very best, Kel, stop beating yourself up.

:hug: I hope you find a way to work with him so that you can still get work done and he is a bit more happy. Your routine sounds somewhat like what I have with my DD, she now has 2 days at preschool, one day with a friend (we do a swapsies - so I have her DS the next day) and one day with just me. We just added the extra preschool day 'cause her nanny has gone o/s. It might be worth looking into the cost of a nanny if you can share it with someone else or they are registered (you get something back, but not as much back as you do for CC). But in my experience, it took my DD longer to adjust to having me in the house but not with her, than it did for her to be away from me at preschool. She loved it once she'd gotten used to it (and so did I, 'cause it meant I could still see her throughout the day and the nanny did chores for us!), but it was an adjustment.

Oh Kell :hug: to me it sounds like it could be a combination of things: him picking up on the home situation, over stimulation of the centre and his personality.

I also understand how hard it is in reality to shop around for another centre or kinder... most have waiting lists for a start... and the paperwork and planning needed for each one is incredible. You can't just "try out" a series of other centres... they won't let you leave your child there unless they are fully enrolled... and that costs money too. So, if you have faith in this centre then I'd stay put. Do you have a good intuitive feeling about it? Do you like the staff? If so then maybe try a few other options... like taking up Div's suggestions of dropping Liijie off with Ned. Maybe a bit more distraction could work? During the predictable sobbing times maybe do things a little differently... maybe dress him somewhere a bit different each morning... just to keep him guessing... dress him in your bedroom... or the lounge room... so that instead of thinking "mum's dressing me for the centre" he'll be thinking "why is mum dressing me in her bedroom?". This is what I tried when my 3yo (at the time) was wailing "I don't want to go to kiiiiinder" every moring last year. It ended up that I decided to dress him in front of the TV... ABC Kids to the rescue LOL it didn't work every time... but a good percentage of the time he was so engrossed in Thomas The Tank Engine to forget about his distress at being dressed for kinder. Just a temporary solution... now we have a "no tv before kinder rule" because things have settled down.

Does the centre have a communication book? Marydean made a good point about how the actual room can make or break a centre for some kids. It's not too noisey is it?

What's the plan over summer? Will he keep going or do you have a break planned? I have found my kids do a alot of growing (physically and emotionally) over the summer months. Fingers crossed that Liijie will move through this anxiety over summer and settle into a happier pattern next year. In the meantime possibly the best thing you can do is muster all your inner resources and exude calmness with dealing with his anxiety. He might also be picking up on yours... remember to look into his eyes with all the calmness and happiness that you can find. Not a super happy "everything is rosey" approach... just keep telling him that you understand but remind him that everything will be ok... don't soothe him constantly in a way that implies that his fears are kind of justified... if you have faith in the centre make sure this trust is conveyed. I hope this hasn't come across as condescending... it such a subtle thing, hard to express. But well done on being so tuned in to your son's needs :hug: