Need opinions/backup

About the princess - she is pushing so hard and Im soooo tired.

So she has a school formal coming up very very soon. She has also been awful and poisonous as usual lately. She expects me to buy her dress, shoes etc, I have told her she is expected to contribute in some way, mainly because she is so LAZY.

Don't get me wrong OF COURSE I want to do these things, Ive been looking forward to it since she was born but I can't bring myself to do so under the circumstances. I don't want to give in.

She still hasn't had any pocket money (going on 3 years now) because she is unable to simply unload the dishwasher each morning and feed the cat. She sits there and watches me running around like a headless chook and refuses to help, or snarls when I ask her to. She keeps threatening to leave school/home if she doesn't get her way ( I simply shrug and tell her its her choice, Im over being threatened), I don't know who she is anymore.
I was talking to her dad last night and he is very disappointed as when she is at his house, she doesn't even need to be asked to do the dishes. At home she screams bloody murder about 'having to touch other peoples dirty dishes' - hence she UNloads the dishwasher here.

For the last few weeks I have told her she can earn some extra bucks for doing extra jobs - she never even asked what she could do, just went back to her room to read even though she had 2 days off school (melb cup). I have given her ample opportunity to earn some $$$, or even get POCKET MONEY and she hasn't bothered one IOTA.

So why should I cart her around the shops on a spree for things she simply DOES NOT DESERVE? Yep I know teenagers are horrible but that does not mean I have to be spoken to like a piece of crap. I'm so willing to forgive the usual teenageness, but not the rudeness and hurtful thing shes says to me.

Her sense of entitlement shocks me to the core. Please give me some backup and tell me I am doing the right thing by standing fast...or if you think Im going over the top let me know

xoxoxoxoxo

Ahhh Lulu you're a fabbo mum and I too would be reticent about rewarding bad behaviour so absolutely agree that she should put in towards her formal.

BUT principles aside, if she hasn't earnt any pocket money for three years then she's obviously not bothered and I don't think you're going to see a change overnight.

The only thing I can think of is that you reiterate your views on her cash contributon but give her the chance to say how she would like to earn that pocket money and give her some input into saying what jobs she's willing to do so that she doesn't feel that she's "losing" by starting to unload the dishwasher/feed the cats. If she won't meet you halfway, I think I'd just say sorry love, you're not going then. But you've probably already tried that!

Babe, I think you are awesome. I can't imagine what it must be like... I don't think it is OTT, but I'm not experienced in these things (obviously!) so am not good authority. Just wanted to say that I totally get where you're coming from and agree that you should stand your ground.

Don't hate me Miss B but you live like a queen ma'am!

Have you thought of signing her up for volunteer work? If she can't appreciate how good she has it maybe she should be giving up her time to help others.

I think you're in a rock and a hard place. Maybe get back to the basics, praise her for teeny tiny things and see if that helps.

Without sounding like a 90 yr old man if only we could let them live a day in our lives at the same time hey?

Yep, see she has her poppy (read ATM) who spoilt her rotten. I wrote her a list of 3 WHOLE things to do Melb Cup weekend so she could buy herself a new swimsuit. What does she do? Calls poppy who says heres $40 and goes back to her room to read. Even though I told her how much help it would be for me, and that I would have more TIME to go shopping with her.

Poppy has been told. Poppy now understands. Nan and her dad will not give her money either, but I don't think she will believe that. She thinks we will all cave in, and we won't and now she is going to work it out in the worst way......I don't want her to miss out. I think the formal (and all the shiny things that go with it) was a good way to reward her for her good marks this year.

ggrrrrrrraaahhhhhhh

Lulu, what about taking her shopping, finding the dress and putting it on layby? That way she'll actually be getting excited about "the" dress and you can refer to it and it's not just an "idea" IYKWIM?

Maybe then it will hold more weight with her when you tell her "ok, put these clothes away, thats $5 off your dress"!

I definatly don't think you should let her have it without working for it. I would be excited about doing all that for DD's but not after all the attitude you've been getting - and I think it's important she knows that. You would be willing to be more reasonable (not that I think you're not) if SHE would be more reasonable.

Also, is her Dad going to help out with paying for it all? I bet it gets a bit exxy.

Good luck hun, I bet you can't wait till she gets to an age where she becomes nice again!

Cai - I have a feeling we will be volunteering at a soup kitchen on Xmas day.....

Each time I see her do a little thing, I do praise her (but that ain't $$$ is it!!!), but she manages to get in before I can really do something and says something horrible to someone. I have the most stunning black doona cover set (with chinese symbols everywhere, looks so cool) in my cupboard for her. Im dying to put it on for her......Ive even told her its there waiting for her.

I asked her last week to imagine how things would be if she wasn't so ROTTEN to everyone.

If I was there i'd be standing behind you, nodding my little head off in support.

When I was that age - I had been working for about a year (started at 14 and 9 months) because my mum was on the single mum pension and was paying off a mortgage - so if I didn't work - I didn't get anything AT ALL.

Is there a chance that she could go get a casual job? I mean, I was pretty lazy around the house (probably figured that mum was there to clean and stuff, and if she didn't do it my sister would) so I don't remember doing much to help keep stuff clean - but I was always good at my jobs (servo attendant, check out chick, kitchenhand)

I haven't helped you at all I know - but I'd be standing my ground

xxx

LuLu - is there any reason she doesnt have a part time job? (completely understand if you want her to focus on her studies instead, but does she?)

I worked part time and had to fund my own formal - dress, shoes, hair, car, ticket..... I didnt expect my mum to fund any of it, I liked doing it on my own....... It was just mum and I, there was no money from her for things like that....

Maybe you could encourage her to get a job and offer to put in 50/50 of whatever she spends on her dress etc if you want to contribute?

ETA - just to note - when i was 16 I was a BIATCH too.... :redface: . Stand your ground, you are one of the coolest mums I have ever heard of, she just needs to get over this phase

OMG Lulu, I just had a vision of the future of what it will be like with my eldest DD - she already has that total lack of emotion when it comes to cutting things out in the hope of making her actually DO something to help and she's only 6! Anyway I digress.

Maybe you could go to spotlight and get a really nasty pattern for a dress - leg 'o mutton sleeves and all and threaten to sew one yourself (and I know you don't sew so the result should be good ;) ) and tell her it that or nothing because you don't think she would appreciate a truly amazing dress - because by the sound of it she does deserve diddly squat for her formal.

Seriously though, if she is fine at her fathers place then shes obviously doing what she does at your place just to push you as far as she can so you snap and then YOU"RE the cow kwim? Is this something you can get her father in on at all? make her do more over at his place or something? (which I know doesn't help you out at all :hug: )

She has had 2 days trial at Whats New. If they don't offer her the job they are messing her around. She does well, doesn't need to be told twice (oh the IRONY) and enjoyed it.

FFS!

I just got off the phone to her. I asked what she was planning to do about her formal dress - "I'll just call S". GGRRRAHHHH.
S is her biological father, she has just met him over the last 2 months. His biggest mistake was telling her that he owes her a hell of a lot for not being there for her and to call him if she needs anything.
SO I CALLED HIM JUST THEN. Explained everything and he is totally on my side. He is expecting her call. He even found a pair of Docs that she covets but is now going to drop them off here so I can give them to her at my discretion. :clap:

She tells me that I suck because I won't let her move out. I told her I couldn't stop her but that we went over this with the councellor. She has nowhere to go and no means of supporting herself. Its a moot point. She is 16, lazy, spoilt and like 800 of the 16yr olds I dealt with working with Centrelink that come in claiming they can't live at home cos their parents expect the SAME as I do :rolleyes:.


WHY isn't is 8PM so I can have a scotch??????????????????

I'm sure its 8pm somewhere ;) LOL!

I'm glad S is on your side :) At least she won't be able to pull the wool over his eyes!

Yep, I'm sure when he said he has a hell of a lot to make up for he didn't mean going broke in buying her material possessions because she's too stubborn/lazy to earn them herself. Glad you got that sorted with him. I think it shows she has a lack of respect for EVERYONE in her life if she thinks she can just call them up and ask them to pander to her when she can't get her way with someone else. She has so much to learn.....

I TOTALLY empathise with your situation. My daughter is EXACTLY the same!! The only difference is she has gone the step further and moved out! All over a ridiculous argument over money...this story will show you just how selfish my DD is:

We were down at the mall to get groceries for dinner that night, I had $30 on me at the time, pay day was the next day. My DD was going to babysitting for my cousin that night and getting paid $20. DD decided that she needed some foundation, she wanted me to lend her $20 for the foundation until the next day when she would give me her $20 babysitting money. Now, she didnt need the foundation that night as she was only going babysitting and nobody was going to see her. I told her I could not lend her the money as that would only leave me with $10 to buy groceries to make dinner for 5 people!! She tells me "All you think about is yourself, you are so selfish", storms out of the supermarket and walks home!!
Once I get home she starts picking and picking and picking, we end up arguing and then my cousin picked her up for babysitting. After my cousin got home DD got in a taxi and went her boyfriends house (he lives with his parents and little brother and sister). That was 4 weeks ago and I havent seen her since!

She wont reply to my messages or answer her phone, but i talk to her BF's mother regulary so I still know what is going on with her. Centerlink has called about her trying to claim payments, but I told them that I didnt kick her out, she left on her own to be with her BF, so she wont have much luck getting much money out of them!!

She has been pushing me for almost a year (since she started seeing this boy) to kick her out, but I refused. I did the same as you Lulu, said i cant stop her leaving btu I wouldnt kick her out. She finally realised I wasnt going to, so she just left.

What I dont understand is she had it so good here...probably too good! But it is hard with the oldest, you dont really know where the boundaries should be. When she turned 16 she had an 8:30 curfew on schoolnights and an 11pm curfew on weekends. She was only ever at her BF's house so I wasnt too worried about her wandering the streets or anything,. He is a real homebody and not really into partying or anything.

She has totally ruined her life now. She's not going back to year 11 and 12, i dont know if she will even pass year 10 as she hardly went once she left here. She is not even going to her year 10 formal as non-school kids arent allowed to go which means she cant take her BF (he is 18) and neither of them are allowed to do anything without each other (both as controlling and posessive as eachother, great recipe for a relationship:rolleyes:). She also has no money for the dress, shoes, hair etc now.

She is working casual at a video shop and last night the BF's mother rang me and said a couple of girls went to the shop when she was closing up last night and punched her in the face!! (ex-friends..probably caused by her toxic personality and BIG MOUTH!) She tried to put DD on the phone as I was worried about her but she refused. I really think she is just too embarressed and ashamed to talk to me now. She has told verybody in town that I kicked her out of home, which couldn't be further from the truth.

Lulu, I'm so sorry I hijacked your thread, but once I started typing i just couldnt stop, LOL, I havent talked about this much at all in the last 4 weeks.
Anyway, my DD was the same as yours, would not lift a finger to help AT ALL, her room was always disgusting! She would be constantly suffering from hayfever because her room was so dirty! And heaven help me if I asked her to unload the dishwasher!!:rolleyes: On the other hand my 13 year old DD is an absolute blessing, has a heart of gold and doesnt hesitate to help me with anything....doesnt even need to be asked. They were both raised in the same house by the same people, so go figure!!

Lulu, if you need to talk at all please feel free to PM or email me...I think we are both in the exact same boat...and I dont mind lending an ear or a shoulder to cry on.
Sorry for the ramble, I dont even know if this post makes sense, LOL.

LuLu, stand your ground. Its great yo have everyone else she could ask on side also. She needs a swift kick in the butt & I think this is the way to do it.
She thinkins she can push you & win. Let her see she has another thing coming. Poopy, Nan & S and anyone else she thought she could fall back on & ask for money needs to be on your side 100% & sounds as though they are.

I know it woul dbe hard seeingher miss out on her formal but save all the sparkly things for her wedding when she is a mature women. At the moment she just sounds like a spoilt brat.
If she gets what she wants with this I think you have lost the battle for good.

Let her hate you & everyone else & think the world hates her etc, everything she can throw at you but remember when she is a little more grown up she should be better for it.
Don't give in .

Marlene - Blah I hope your DD see's some sence soon & realises you are not the evil selfish mother she thinks or makes you out to be. it sounds to me that the BF's parents need to stand their ground & kick her out LOL. Is she paying any kind of rent or board? I would be asking that they don't let her freeload.

I hope you can both sort out these girls. Im not looking forward to Isla hitting this age!

True Cai !

She just called asking me to drop off some clothes for her (she goes to poppys for 2 nights a week)!!!!

Ummm NO, I have better things to do today. How rude.

It might be a good idea for me to RESET boundaries - ie, if you leave school you will be required to pay $50 board per week. If you leave home you will NOT rec Clink payments cos I wont kick you out.
Do not ask me for any, any tiny little thing until you learn respect....

Anything else I should add.

P.S I love you Marlene, sorry we are in the same boat xoxoxoxo

I would be carful suggesting the paying of board as I think she will react in a way of thinking you are now her PAID house maid. Why should she help out around the house she is PAYING to live in KWIM? Also I dare say it will be, can I pay you double next week? Before you know it she hasn't paid anything for 2 months & is still walking around with her head up her butt LOL thinking she is the all mighty as she PAYS to live there.

Im just not sure if her attitude atm will suit paying rent. I really think she will just take it as one more reason to think she is entitled to something more.

You could tell her that it isn't a holiday resort and she has to stop treating it as such ;)

I suppose at this stage it's the only option you've got. I just don't get that if she wants to move out so badly, how can she possibly think she could run a household on any meagre wage she could earn as a checkout chick (not that there is anything wrong with that, you all kwim?) or any other low-wage job for unskilled workers (because that's what she is) unless she lives somewhere really dodgy or in shared accomodation and I think she'll soon realise that she aint the woman of the world she thinks she is when she's got overdue bills

Having parented my brothers through their teenage years and my DD#1 through hers, I can put my hand on my heart and say that this is an awful time for children. They are so destructive to themselves and everyone who cares about them.

I am sure you are doing a fantastic job. Your DD just sounds like she is doing all the typical teenage things. Set boundaries - even though they will probably be breached repeatedly, don't let hurtful words and behaviour go unchecked, but know that it's due to the hormone imbalance going on in her body.

Take heart, there is light at the end of the tunnel. My DD is fantastic now (after being toxic for many years).

My thoughts go out to you, hon!

Lulu, I think FionaJill may be right about the board. I think she will have an even stronger sense of entitlement if she is paying to live in your house. She will probably think she doesnt have to pull her weight at all because she is giving you money.


FionaJill...when I was talking to the BF's mother last night she was saying that DD and BF were planning on moving out into their own place. Her exact thoughts on that were "well, I dont know how they are going to that when they cant even pay f***ing board!!".

Looks like they will just have to live and learn!! I dont have the money to dig them out of a hole...we just have our heads above water as it is...and if she goes and falls pregnant, god help us all!!!

as hard as it is hun.. i would go with the right i will make your dress threat.. do not buy her a dress...

actually the layby dress sounds good too... makes her see something to work towards

and it may hurt like cr@p to go through with it but you need to.. she needs to realise that you are not going to give in at the 11th hr..

I really hope you are able to find ways to manage what is going on atm

best of luck hun

given how soon the formal is likely to be, i think laybying a dress is a pointless exercise - she's not gonna pull her head out her butt in time to actually do anything to "earn it" - i would offer to make a dress IF she can pull herself together enough to pay for pattern and material - that's it.

as to everything else, stand your ground! i was a right biatch at that age, and moved out at 17 to get away from my olds (they were no where near as understanding as you are hun!) - i learnt to live on sweet bugger all money at a very young age. i DID get YAL, but i was paying probably 70% of that to accommodation, so i learnt to appreciate every cent. you can't get away with DD not doing anything - you are not her slave, you're her mum - she needs to show you respect. i never got pocket money, and when i started earning money where mum lost FTB (or whatever the equiv was back then) i had to pay board - if i didnt pay, i didn't eat. i didn't get to use the washing machine to clean my clothes, i didn't get to have any "extras" in my room (tv etc), i got a bed, a shower, that's it. i never missed paying my board, and i realised it was a responsibility i needed to take on from a young age. i didn't treat mum and dads place like a resort or motel - it just wasn't something they'd let me get away with! even when i went to uni, if i was "home" or a weekend, it was fine - any longer than that, i had to chip in for food and stuff.

stand your ground. tell her to pull her head out of her butt and help around the house or she'll get nowhere. don't give in - don't let anyone else give in to her. don't compromise - she has to take responsibility for her actions - all actions have consequences!

maybe sit her down and ask if she thinks she's an adult or a child - get her to define what an adult or child is. if she wants to play the child and "mum owes me everything" card, it's simple - you live under my roof, you do what i say. the little ones have to, therefore so do you! if she thinks she is an adult, she needs to live on the actions and consequences - she needs to earn respect. she's not doing anything to help herself in this respect at the moment!

Oh hun :hug: im sure ill be coming to you for advice in years to come with my DD!

Only thing i can suggest is to maybe take away something that means alot to her until she starts pulling her weight.. such as a mobile phone if she has one. These things are a teenagers life! If you allow her to go to the mall with her friends or something, tell her shes not going until she does what you need in return.

Maybe you can do that with the dress also. Tell her youll buy her the dress, but she has to give up something else and when she works for it she can have it back?

These are my only suggests i can think of.. im not yet in that situations myself so im unsure if it will or not work.. But hang in there, you are doing a wonderful job.. teenage girls can be like wild flowers.. beautiful but so devious ;)