She keeps wagging school.

My recently turned 14 DD has been wagging school.
Everyday!!
She catches the bus to school, stays till recess or lunch, then takes off & doesn't catch the bus home. which means I then have to pack up the other kids & go for a 90k round trip to go find her. When I do she is hostile & very violent.
She's got that " I can do whatever I please" attitude :rolleyes:
It's got to the point now, where I am at my wits end, I'm sick of meetings with the principal, they do nothing, she's good for a few days & then she's off again.
I know that she has gotten herself into the wrong crowd, but being a smallish country school, choices of friends are limited IYKWIM.But she is such a strong willed girl, why is she giving into peer pressure? OH FFS I've had it.

Nothing works, the counselling was a total waste of time, she just sat there & stared out the window, saying the occasional I don't know, or I don't care.

On Wednesday I received a letter from DET reminding me it is an offence for me not to send my child to school, WTF I do everyday!! I now have a meeting with them next week.:wall:

I really do not understand what is going on.
OK I wasn't a goody goody 2 shoes ( as she likes to say) when I went to school or when I was her age, but I NEVER EVER, put my parents through this.

I'd love to delvge into her mind & see what is going on in there.
Could it be pay backs for something I've done/ haven't done?
Ok when she is going off in her anger mood I get told I am too strickt, & I am a cold hearted ***** with a pole shoved up my ass. OK so yeah, I don't back down & I don't give in, she knows this.
I seem to be the one carrying on like a drama queen when she does wrong, because in her eyes, she hasn't done anything wrong.
I don't get it I really don't

I'll have to cme back & finish, I think WW3 is starting inthe kitchen.....

hun..

you want to scare the ***** out of her...

get the cops to pick her up!! speak to your local cop shop and see what they can do to help

Dont you love 14yrs olds going on 30?


Hope you can sort it out soon!!!


:hug:

Yeah I wouldn't be picking her up. If she knows you will come get her she will just keep doing it.
I like Beatrix's Idea, get the cops on board if you can.

Sorry the little 2 were fighting over a banana....



You know once when I went to get her, she was at the pool & I was just so fed up I went to the cops & got them to go & get her. I waited at the station. They picked her up for me from the pool, in front of all her friends&threw her in the back of the paddy waggon!She was feral LOL, the cops gave her the once over too.
But she keeps doing it.
I have to drive 15k's to her bus stop to pick her up & I feel like a right dill when she's not there. Somedays I leave late, so I avoid seeing the bus & if she's on there, she gets to wait...wondering... but it doesn't work!!
Do you think I should just stay home next time & call the cops? I don't know if they would like to drive all the way out here to bring her home though.

I really do not know what else to do.
I hope this next meeting will be of some help.
It doesn't even bother her that I am the one who is going to get in the crap for her antics.
She's really not my usual lovely 14yo anymore, she's like a stranger..

My Dp has threatened to take my charmer to the city at night and walk around with her so she can SEE HOW LUCKY SHE IS - I'll take your one too if you like....

Seriously is there somewhere the cops can take her to scare the crap outta her??

Your lovely DD has disappeared off with mine I fear......

XOXOXOXOX I feel your pain.

Ah lulu, a girls home would be nice right now!!

can the cops pick her up and hold her UNTIL you can come and get her - make her wait and sweat on whether you'll actually show up or not? i don't know if they do that sort of thing, but i know the local cop here would if a kid was going feral - but he's a top bloke like that!

i'm not sure what else to suggest - maybe contact local youth workers and see what they can help with? i'm pretty sure, in Sydney at least, there are police youth groups that will actually work with the kids to get them integrated back into school at least part time, and then in external activities for the rest of the time - but at all times, while they're not actively in school, for school hours they're in "police custody" as it is... will see if i can get some more details for you later today

is it bad that i'm actually GLAD we live in the sticks out here - with nothing more interesting for our kids to do but to go to school? and i haven't even popped yet...

It'd be good if Prisoner was still on!

I think she is in there somewhere underneath it all, when you get a glimpse of the kid you know it can make it easier to keep trooping along....

I feel so darn guilty sometimes because I KNOW I haven't spent as much time with her as I used to. But I have 2 more little ones to take care of now, she can't be The One anymore, baaaah to them both!

I'm desperately inexperienced, having only got one 2 year old, but i would go with natural consequences, which to me are either if you can't be trusted to stay in school mummy is going to have to come sit in class every day with you (probably not an option with all the other littlies) or alternatively that if you don't get on the bus you don't come home. Tell her in advance you're ready to talk about whatever it is you can do to help stop this happening but that you won't be coming to get her anymore, and that if she's not on the bus you'll just call the cops in future.

Tell her you want to understand her but you're not psychic and that she needs to communicate about whatever is wrong that is making her do this. It sounds like an attention-getting ploy, so all you can do is stop giving her attention for it (by letting the cops catch up with her and bring her home) and give her attention in other ways by trying to get some alone time with her that ISN'T her misdemeanors, kwim? I think sometimes with both toddlers and teens their behaviour can get so insane it can end up that every interaction you have with them is about something they've done wrong and every thing you MIGHT have done together has already been negated or prevented as a punishment before you begin because it's so hard to keep up with their behaviour. Can you create a one-on-one time with her, JUST her, that will not be affected by her actions in other areas and will not be a time to discuss her behaviour? Might help you get reconnected...?

Having said all that my mother would have come and sat with me at every lesson for a week if i'd missed a single DAY of school, but then i was her youngest. Though she wouldn't have needed to do it, she ALWAYS did what she said she would and so we took her threats very seriously! LOL.

Bx

Just from your statements in your OP, you are doing quite a lot already to keep her at school - consulting the school, seeing counsellors etc.

Is the meeting with the DET with a HSLO (Home School Liaison Officer) ? As a teacher I have limited experience with them, but I know that they are employed to get kids to go to school. They may be able to help you with some guidance on how to keep her at school - as well as give the school some strategies.

The only other things I can think of (I don't know what you have tried already, so please forgive me if I am mentioning ideas you have already tried):

a) is there a particular class that is triggering this off (ie a teacher she is clashing with) - can alternatives be made for this subject?
b) when is she actually leaving - at recess? Can she be 'in school suspended' for recess and lunches (ie not allowed out into the playground - has to report to a Head Teacher or Deputy).
c) Is there a teacher she gets on with that can be a mentor? Particularly if she is into a subject like PE, drama, art or music? Can they suggest an out of school pursuit that will get her away from this group of friends?
d) Does she need a circuit breaker like Stewart House for example to get her away from school for a while? Places like this also offer counselling for parents too.
e) Will she talk to you about what is going on (obviously not when she is yelling at you). Can she come up with a logical plan?
f) I was going to suggest another schooling alternative like TAFE - but she is a year too young (I think). Can she hang on for a year and go to TAFE/an apprenticeship instead? Can the school careers advisor get her some work experience in something she may be interested in?
g) is there any help with any relatives she gets on with? Get them to take her out and talk to her about what is going on. I noticed that you didn't mention her Dad - is he around and can he intervene? If not - a granddad or grandma that would be willing to help out? Just the shock of having someone else pick her up that is not her 'big, bad Mum.'

I feel so sorry for you - to have to pack up everyone to go and find her. I suppose if you dont go you have the fear that something might happen to her. Good luck :hug:

Oh Gargey some of your ideas are fantastic, but most have been tried & have backfired. She's impossible.
My parents are no help, they seem to think she belongs to them :rolleyes: & will just treat her like garbage in the process, making it all worse.
Her father is currently in rehab, he's never been a help anyway.
It is the HSLO I have to see next week, I have no idea about them either, so I am looking forward to see what they have to offer.
She hates all her teachers & all her classes, so working through to find a trigger is a little off key, although I seriously don't beleive she hates them all, it's just her "really good excuse".

I asked the school about school suspend, nothing has been done yet, I think they school is being quite slack in this respect.
Being in a small community, the careers guide is reluctant to offer her any work experience, as she is so unreliable. It has been suggested but the principal said no.

Bec, the school did threaten having me sit in on classes, but I would take it too far I think & I'd follow her around all day lol, would be impossible cos of the little two, but I would like to.
She doesn't want to spend any time with me, I've tried, I"ve taken her out to lunch, she ordered a big lunch & didn't want it when it arrived. I went & got her nails done, & over the course of 3 days, she picked them all off. I just think she has it in for me, cos of all the silly things she does, I get up her for, hence the names she calls me. But I can not sit back & let her ruin her life.

BG, we have worked with the cops, but they get soooo frustrated with her I DONT CARE attitdude, it makes it really difficult, & there really is nothing out here like that to take her too, living out i the sticks does have it's advantages, but we seems to miss out on a lot as well. I like it, when the kids are home, there is nowhere to go, it's not like they are gonna walk 45k's into town to run amok lol.


Atleast she is having a "i'm a nice girl" day today, I don't think I could handle the attitude.

Thank you so much for all your advise ladies, I really appreciate it.

LULU, I just read your post about your DD OMG, why do they put us through this?? I was thinking it was because I spend alot of time with the little 2 as well, but even before they came along Amy wasn't an only child,I've just hit a brickwall with her. Must go find a jack hammer, cos it cant go on for much longer.

The thing about TAFE though, is there are no boundaries at all. It doesn't matter if you don't go, you simply fail and I'm not sure if its the right way to go.

Can you round up your village for support? I have spoken to nearly every adult in her life. My mum, dad, her step dad and 'real' dad, her aunt, MY step-dad and a couple of her friends parents. I've let them know she is going through WHATEVER right now, but she needs to be taught boundaries and respect, and I need everyones help. We are literally forming a brick wall against her will. Sounds crap but its what needs to be done.

Poppy was the worst, always overindulging her - and I did lots of the things you did with your DD too, but it was never enough. And I've had enough. I'm sad that she may miss out on things, but dammit SHE is making all the choices here, so she can take the consequences herself.

Absolutely STAND YOUR GROUND on the name calling. We can both be each others backup if you want (AND all the fabbo ladies in both these threads!). I have decided I am also stopping all the little things that I do here and there. She can work them back but Im not giving it away for free anymore.......

I'll shout you a box of hair dye if we both get though Xmas in one piece! XOXOXOXO

Storm, sending you {{big hugs}}, I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard when you have tried everything you can think of and nothing works. My DD also has the "I dont care", "I don't know" attitude, and her excuse for misbehaving or wagging school was ALWAYS because "the teacher" hates her.:rolleyes: I swear the girl has NEVER taken responsibility for anything in her entire life. Everything she has ever done wrong has always been somebody elses fault...usually mine, LOL.

Hang in there, and hopefully the truent officers can help out.

Hey Jo! Haven't seen you round for a while. Just wanted to send you a :hug: I have no idea of how to deal with teenagers (obviously) but I think you mums of teens are amazing people! :hug: again.

Sorry I have nothing constructive to offer. My DSD is the same and her most recent excuse was "I was in class, the teacher just didn't see me!". Seems she is wearing her Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak.

OMG Fiona, that is so funny!!!

Hiya Amy!! Sorry to be "bumping" into you in here.All hugs help, thanks!!

I'm sick of everything being someone else's fault too Marlene, yep, always mine.:rolleyes: She needs to face up to her responsibilities, cos from this point, I no longer am going to do it for her. Why should I? She doesn't appreciate a dam thing I do for her anyway. Ooh I hope the HSLO does have something to offer that will benefit us, cos I'm starting to get a real headache banging it on the wall all the time.

LULU, unfortunately, I can't get support like that from my family, my olds just take control, my dad especially reckons a good flogging will solve all my problems.While, yeah it may, I'm not prepared to batter my child to make her be nice. I know she would be dealing with all sorts of issues right now, peer pressure, hormones, bla bla bla, & I am here to support her through that, but I won't take the crap that goes with it either, it most definitely isn't my fault.

Oh great idea on taking all those "little" things away, last night I didn't dish up her Tea, I left it in the pans for her to do, went down just the way I wanted it to, YAY 1 point to me anyway.


I'd love the back up, I think I need it. lol. Being pg dealing with all this makes it a bit over the top.
More reason"s why I wont take her crap.I just wish she could please hurry up & work that out.......

( I'm sure some of you would remember all the drama I had with Dylan last year, it seems Amy wants to follow in his footsteps)

Maybe you can use Grandad as a threat - I'll send you to your grandparents to live, they reckon you can be sorted out with a good FLOGGING.....

Maybe moving into pops isnt a bad idea...
My 14yo brother was in the same kinda boat at home, He was wagging school getting into the wrong crowd, stealing from mum, when she tried to get him to school in the morning he would throw the biggest tantrum and would not behave for my mum - mum rang me close to tears a few times because they (he and his brother) would be kicking up a stink about going to school... Mum was at her wits end, the police had picked him up a few times, gave him a talking to, she saw councillers countless school principal visits...
Her last option was to send him to me... Which has been very hard for her, she lives 14 hours away and hasn't seen him for 6weeks! but on the good note, he has been getting up at 6.30 (sometimes 6, 530) gets ready for school, hasnt wagged a day since he has been here. We've only had a few arguements over doing his share of work and lying etc... But he really has turned a corner since he has been here, hes going to school, doing his homework, has more respect for his mum and dad, and is so ready to go back home at the end of the school year!
He has learnt that his parents are just trying to do the best thing for him and that there a horribel people with far worst rules (ie me lol) then what mum and dad has!

basically i have treated him like a child while he was here until he proved that he was a teenager... We took away all privleges for the first week (computer, softdrinks, dvds, tv made strict bed time rules, etc) But now that he has proven to do the right thing he has those privleges back hes allowed on the computer when he ask, can watch tv movies etc...

Maybe try all that if she has a tv in her room, take it out, no internet, no friends over or going to friends, no this or that - until she can prove her self...

HTH... And huge hugs!

You're a legend Cass! Well done.

Expect 2 teen girls in the mail over the next week or so.....

I haven't read through all the replies so sorry if this has been suggested..

Go and hang out the front of centrelink with her for a morning.. and ask her if she wants to end up like the derroes (sp) that go in there... Tel her if she doesn't get a decent education this will be her life..

unfortunatly there isn't much else you can do because forcing her to do something will only make her more defiant (well IMO anyways)

lulu - LOL ummm NO i heard girls are soooo much worst! hehe!

Oh please Cass???
Nah, she actually went to school all day today :o
Maybe it was part of the convo she overheard DH & I talking about , sending her to nan & pa's ?????? ha ha ha ha thanks for that one Cass!!

Jo, :hug: to you honey. Teens are a hard lot to deal with these days! Joshua doesn't give a damn and I've had one teacher in particular call me and even got a letter the other day but Joshua didn't care. He does actually go to school, but he only goes to see his friends, actually told me that. He wants to leave and do an apprenticeship... although I'm not convinced he could manage one. Thing is....he's only in Grade 9!!!!! I'm trying to tell him that doing Grade 10 will at least make his life a bit easier than not having that at all....but ummmm hmmmmm nope that doesn't seem to work cos he knows people who have dropped out and are "doing ok".........so I don't think I have any ideas to help you! Just wanted you to know, you're not alone hun.

Hey Cass... I thought the law states that he is not allowed to drop out untill end of grade 10... Up until then its complusary schooling... I might be wrong but always what i have known... Might want to look it up and bring that up to him... Then use it at as a bargaining tool, if you go through to grade 10 and pass all with c+ or above you may do an apprentiship otherwise you cant leave untill year 12?

i think if they're goign to do an apprenticeship it's age based, not schooling level based. though they'll have a much better chance of getting an apprenticeship with year ten under their belt

do your local schools have vocational training courses at that age - kinda pre-apprenticeship courses at school or tafe, so that they have the minimum schooling, without needing to actually attend a mainstream school (for some kids, it's pointless - they get nothing from academic learning, but with the pre-apprenticeship stuff, they know they're basically going to school to help them get a job)

Cass, it's changed... the age is 16 and/or grade 10. Problem is there are then exemptions... if you can believe it!! If they work more than 25 hours a week they can get an exemption which I think is bull***** but hey I don't make the rules. You can find it on the education website. I won't bargain about staying at school through to grade 12 though cos if a kid really doesn't want to be there they're only making it a nightmare for the others and the teachers. I know a lot of us were forced but I don't think it helps to be honest.

They can do a school based apprenticeship and he can do one starting next year, but he doesn't want to go to school!! Grrr.... tells us he wants to do it through TAFE instead... well ummm, no, we're not paying for that when he can go to school and still do the apprenticeship through there. He just doesn't want to go and won't really say why other than.... I don't want to, I don't like it...lol. We also don't want him doing it through TAFE because his habits show that he won't study any more there than he does now at school, so what a waste of our money.

Anyway.... sorry for hijacking your thread a bit here Storm. How's it going at the moment??

Your right Cass, it's all input for me.
The letter I got from DET states it's 15 years old then they can please themselves.

Anyway it's going crappy here.
Found out she has a 16 almost 17 yo boyfriend & is hanging out with 30yo ****heads.
Alot has happened, she's just a horrible little smartass right now & I have made arrangements with the HSLO & YLO to have her sent to court for all this wagging crap & have her prosecuted & given court orders to go to school, if she breaks her orders she'll up in front of juvenile justice. The YLO is an excellent guy, very straight up for a police man, even went around to the boyfriends place on his own bat & told him if he touches her, as in sexually he's gonna have him charged.Along with other things.
But it doesn't really make me feel any better, that things have got this far & she is so sneaky, I would be so lost with you guys & your wonderful support & all the help I'm getting from the community as well.

My daughter has turned into a monster!!

I'm not even sure I want to send her back to that school, I seriously am thinking of sending her to another town to go, I"m just so over it.

Yesterday she tried to jump out of the car, while we were doing, 100, cos we had to get the cops to find her, & when we got her from the station she didn't have her bag, but we refused to take her to go get it, it was a real push or pull situation for me, I had her by the back of her pants as she was hanging out the car I was a tuffy LOL!!!But she is still breathing.

I just dont know if I can take much more of her attitude & antics.

I seriously can't believe how badly a lot of kids act now and treat us. They have WAY too many "rights" as such. I fully agree with all the child safety etc etc but the govt. really has taken it too far and then when the kids do what they please they don't do anything to help and by then it's usually too late anyway!!

At least there is one good thing about the whole schooling thing is that the law is until they're 17 they have to be either at school or earning.... so that part is good.

**** @ your DD trying to jump out of the car! I'm finding in some instances that being pg and dealing with this cr@p is really hard because I have a tendancy if caught at the wrong time to lose my cool, which I did 2 weeks ago and he stormed off and got caught in the middle of that huge storm we had here... he came home and was crying but has been a bit better in some ways since then. It's all so hard and sometimes I find myself sitting and just praying that Oskar doesn't pick up on these bad habits of his brother's and hopefully doesn't put me through the same.

Holy Moly!
She can bloody well sit in the back seat with the child locks on then :doh:

Does the boyfriend live with his parents?? Does this cop think she'll respond? Wow, maybe a day in court will help.

Please have a glass of wine, you must feel quite shocked after all that :kissing:

Oh Storm, I am so sorry you are going through all this, I know exactly how you feel.
As you can see from Lulu's other thread my daughter has walked out already, she hasnt spoken to me in about 5 weeks, I was going up the escaltor at the mall yesterday and she was coming down the other side and she turned her back so she didnt have to look at me. I didnt chase after her or make a scene as I was carrying the baby in my arms.

I hate to say it, but I could probably guarantee that your DD is having sex with her boyfriend, especially as her attitude gets worse, I could tell EXACTLY when my DD started having sex (even though I didnt find out till a lot later, and off someone else, not her). Her whole attitude and behaviour suddenly became worse than it already was, as she felt like she was now an "adult" or a "woman" or whatever these silly teenagers think sex makes them!!! Just try and take the focus off the "sex" as she is going to do it no matter what you say and concentrate on "protection"!

I am glad the YLO is being such a great help to you, maybe they can make all the difference.

I really, really hope things get better for you soon, and your DD doesn't take off like mine did.

Ozziehoffy, I found it really hard too to deal with all this while I was pregnant, I always so worried that I would lose the baby due to all the stress or that it would affect him in some way.

The funny thing is, she was right up the back & the door locks were on on the 2nd row, but Dh didn't have the windows locked so she opened the window & opened the door from the outside smart little biarch!!
Being pg & dealing with this is a nightmare, I find it really hard keeping calm. But stuff her, I wont let her see me cry over her.Or all the fears I have that this is gonna harm the baby, i just want it sorted out now.

Her wonderful boyfriend lives with his mum, who is the head teacher at the CCC! great huh? & this boy has recently been diagnosed with bypola.
The ylo is an excellent guy & knows everything about all the bad kids, so it's a real advantage having him on my side.

I don't doubt she is having sex, I just hope she is smart enough to use protection, but the attitide is much like that of a kid trying her hardest to be all "growed up" I swear I can't talk to her & I just wanna knock it all out of her.... & I can't have her touching my little too, I'm scared she'll give them germs.
ATM I hate the sound of her voice & I hate the fact that she is sitting on my new lounge watching my TV like nothing is wrong & it's a normal friday movie night.

Marlene, how do you cope with the ignorance from your DD?
I feel so sad that they are capable of all this. Those sweet innocent little girls that once were, it's a bloody nightmare. I

Storm, at first I was so glad to have her out of my house (although i would never say that to her) that I actually felt at peace for a while. I too was afraid of having her around the younger kids...and could not stand the sound of her voice and would cringe inside to look at her. I know that sounds really disgusting, but, after so much horrible behaviour, fighting and verbal abuse (verging on physical) there is only so much you can take. After the mall incident where she turned her back on me, at first I just sorta laughed it off (the BF's mum was with her), but when I got home I started to cry...more for the fact that she hasnt seen her baby brother since she left and didnt even look at him!
It's horrible to think that she is going to have nothing to do with us this xmas, and she is going to miss Jack's first xmas...but it is totally her choice, I have never said she cant come back, I have even txt her and asked her to come see her brothers/sister. But that is it now, I am not going to bother anymore, this is obviously the way she wants it, so I will just let it be.
It is heartbreaking to look of pictures of when she was little and wonder where I went wrong.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I felt when her brother left. We get on great now though I hope you & DD can too.It's a shame she wont have anything to do with her siblings though, but who knows what teenagers think.
As for this girl, there is no way in hell I will give her the satisfaction of leaving here. Not yet anyway, no matter how much the site of her sickens me, at least I know she is safe & miserable!

:

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at least I know she is safe & miserable!

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lol...so true hun! When Joshua's dad got sick of him he called me and told me that he was sending him here (this was actually a very regular phone call)... Joshua one day called his bluff on it and within 3 days was here and has spoken to his dad once and his dad has not called once...not even to ask me how he's doing!