THe worst way to settle a baby.

Well, i was given a copy of a book to borrow (that i am not going to name as i have read in other posts that the author has threatened to sue for defamation... PM me if you want to know) after recieving some information to help settle MJ...

So, i had loosely be following the feeding/sleeping times fairly successfully (prior to reading the book) and so after reading the book i decided that i would give the 'self settling' thing ago, i had my doubts the auther says that she doesnt like CC, but it sounded like CC to me (shouting/crying its all the same when they are sobbing :().

well i will NEVER be doing that again, my poor MJ cried and screamed and it broke my heart. I never left the room like they recommended, but kept laying her down over and over until she cried herself to sleep... i decided that once i had started i should finish just this one time (although i caved twice and cuddled her until she was quiet and started again)

I hate myself and i am pretty much on the verge of tears. I cant believe that i did that to my poor little girl. :cry:

Yes, she probably is waking up at the end of sleep cycles, but there has to be a better way that will not have her sobbing like that. I dont care how much my back hurts, i will rock her or hold her if that is what she needs.

It was awful.

aww hun big hugs. I know how u feel.. i cant do the CC thing either. Ive tried. Caved after 30 seconds and just hugged and cuddled her tlill she went to sleep. I want her to go to sleep happy.. no sad IYKWIM.

Dont be hard on yourself, you had to see if it worked for you and Molly :)

I went to sleep school and they said to do 3min blocks at the most. Mind you i prefer to cuddle Annabelle and think she'll end up a better kid if she isn't stressed putting herself to sleep.

Dont beat yourself up, we all have to try things to see if they work, Molly was always safe and has a great loving mummy :)

I think its difficult when you're trying to sleep!
DH wanted to CC which I hated, but on the up side, it did teach me more about his different cries, which I wouldn't have been able to show DH as quickly without the CC.

I think most of us have given it a try when we are desperate and I'll put my hand up as I tried once a while back. It was traumatic for both of us.

Please don't let yourself feel too guilty. It is very apparent that you love your little lady and thankfully they are forgiving little people.

I heard from a friend the other day that her cousin has CC her newborn son from birth!!!! He was crying up to 1 1/2 hours before basically crashing from pure exhaustion. I don't want to judge this woman but it makes me think how disconnected from her son she must be to ignore his screams. It makes me very sad for the wee little lad.:cry:

Spring

Not to mention that the little boy will grow up distrusting his own intuition because mummy doesn't listen to it so it mustn't be worth much :(
Well, there's one less space-hog in your parenting toolbox, sammiejane. After 2 and a half years my toolbox is real economical on space - love, responsiveness and compassion :)

Spring- from BIRTH?!!! I'm with you. Sad, very sad. Probably best if I keep my mouth shut now...

SJ..I agree, don't be too hard on yourself sweet. This parenting job is tough, and we are still learning every day xx

I know :( it seems so cruel. My friend has tried to get her to pick him up but how far do you go before you are overstepping the mark. My friend said she couldn't be there when he was screaming because it just tears her heart our so she leaves.

If I was there there would be no way I could standby and listen. I would be putting in my two cents worth and give her a copy of 'The Science of Parenting'.

Oh and she is doing scheduled feeding too!

I know of lady that does that. When you hold her little boy who is about 6months now he never wants to be let go off :( He is dying for affection :(
Also this mother never ever has eye contact with her son. Some just shouldn't be parents. Loving your child isn't hard :(

Yep, clinginess arises because the child needs your attention, for whatever reason, not because that's what causes it!
It's amazing how our culture can teach some women that babies are separate kinds of human beings. When we're upset it would just empty you out, emotionally, if everyone left you alone to sort yourself out, wouldn't it? Why is it so, so different for little people who are genuinely physically and emotionally immature?
I'd be gutted if the impression I got when I was feeling really sad and lonely was that no-one cared about me :(

well I just find it a natural action to 'fix' Annabelle's problems. Even if she used to sry for (what looked to me as no reason) I still would as she may have just wanted love.
I often get angry when I think about how some ppl parent :( Nothing can be done, as these are usually the ppl that cant be told :wall:

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Yep, clinginess arises because the child needs your attention, for whatever reason, not because that's what causes it!

I'd be gutted if the impression I got when I was feeling really sad and lonely was that no-one cared about me :(

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Yeah this book basically said that the clinginess will occur as a baby use to be cuddled through the night and now need to make up for it at daytime... no s**t sherlock, i cant believe that i was fooled into this...

tonight at bed time, she will get all the cuddles she needs to help her go to sleep feeling safe and lloved

Oh and that baby that is CC from birth - someone should leave the mother to cry themselves to sleep :(

Thanks guys for your kind words - still feel crappy thou :(

Sammie, don't be too hard on yourself hun. I tried the CC thing once and I would never do it again. I too felt bad but it didn't last long. I have famiy and friends that swear by CC. Not in this household.

I have held my DD heaps of times to rock her to sleep and even let her sleep on me through the day a few months ago when nothing seemed to work.

I just went with the flow and stopped reading things (apart from "Buddhism for Mothers" by Sarah Napalthi which is an awesome book may I add).

DD co-slept at night with us from birth too. 6 weeks ago now, my DD went into a new toddler bed and we've never looked back. Went in straight away and all sleeps are in that now, she loves it. And here I was thinking that because I held her and co-slept that it may have caused a bad habit that we would never be able to rectify. I still hear that from many mothers that they don't want to start doing it for fear of not going into their own bed down the track. Sure it happens but we are one success story and our DD just went straight into a toddler bed without any problems or issues.

By the way, she never went in a cot!

Good luck with everything, thinking of you. xx

Oh Sammie, she loves you and she will be forgiving. I'm another that tried out of desperation, but now I'm one of those advocation for kids mothers.
My daughter knows exactly where to go when she needs me.
My sister doesn't CC - she just ignores the crying - I have no idea how we're such different parents.

:hug: I know how you feel too, I cant CC either. Ive tried once for 3 minutes. I don't know who cried more him or me.

Thanks for the PM, Sammiejane - I went to the website...****! Is she for real? She may as well take pliers to mothers' instinct to cut the connection to the brain...same effect as going through with her methods till your baby 'self settles' - more like, self-defeats :(

ooooooooooo send me the website, ill prob cry but do it anyway

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Thanks for the PM, Sammiejane - I went to the website...****! Is she for real? She may as well take pliers to mothers' instinct to cut the connection to the brain...same effect as going through with her methods till your baby 'self settles' - more like, self-defeats :(

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I know - how could i be so stupid to think that this would be OK? :wall:

I know of friends who did controlled crying with their six month old - and it worked wonders, by the end of the week they were sleeping through the night, they certainly didn't seem to suffer for it.

I also know of (quite a few more, I must say) friend who have tried it and found it unsuccesful.

It has not worked with our two, although we did do something along the same lines with Molly to get her to sleep through the night when she was nearly 1 - I started settling her at night instead of DW, no more breastfeeds every two hours, but there was no letting her cry it out, I just went in as soon as she cried and settled her straight back down. It was tough for a week, but it worked.

With Olivia there was no way! :D She has been ultra-clingy since birth, and in hindsight our biggest mistake with her was that we didn't just think to put her in a sling and wear her earlier. She just wanted to be held so badly, but health problems and life issues in general were really putting the pressure on, so there were a few nights where she did cry it out because her parents were just emotionally exhausted.

I guess no one said parenting was meant to be easy.

Olivia is still clingy, but she is the most gorgeous adorable, loving little toddler you could ever hope for, and she adores her family and her sister.

I think sometimes you have to go with the flow and try these things. There's no shame in trying something new - and props to you for recognising that it wasn't going to work for you and moving on.

You're not stupid SJ. You decided to give something a go but then were smart enough to see when it wasn't working and give it up.
Hope you're both feeling better.

sammiejane, don't feel bad at yourself at all. Its hard to know what to do, I found there is such an overload of info out there that I just used what I felt comfortable with and followed my instincts. What works with one baby doesn't always work with another they're all different.

I tell you worst settling advice I got was from my MIL when DD was barely even 3 months old. She told me to stick her in the laundry and let her cry it out!

Shell, that makes me really sad, how on earth could anyone do that to their baby? How awful!

One thing I have learnt in my nearly 8 years as a parent (and probably the most important thing) is that becomming and being a parent is a constantly evolving process. You have to try new things to be the best parent you can be to your child and often it either doesn't work or it just doesn't sit *right* with you to do it, so you don't, you learn from the experience and move on.

Some parents get to the point where they are willing to try anything that will help and I don't think it pays to be so smug about it either. I once got told by a friend not to brag when I said I had never had to go to Tresillian - wasn't my fault that I didn't have a need to go, anymore than it was my friends fault that she felt she had to go there and then use CC once she was home.

And for the record, CC was never intentioned as a method to get young babies to sleep - it was only ever meant for older babies. Some parents will have great success with it and others will have outstanding failures, but it is not for us to judge those that choose to use it. Yes there have been studies that have proven that it isn't good for babies to be left to cry and it can cause all sorts of lasting emotional problems for the children, but would you want to be judged for the way you choose to parent your children? Each to their own - its not something that would sit comfortably with me at if I knew of someone who was doing that with their children, but it is their road to travel.

I can't do it either. Though I will leave Jazz to whinge for a short time if I know she's not actually upset but just seeking attention, I do go into her straight away the moment the whinge changes to a cry.
I know some people have had success with it but many haven't and frankly I find it traumatic and it breaks my heart when Jazz is really upset, I can't leave her for more than 1 min to cry.

Isn't their evidence to show that leaving a baby cry for a prolonged time gives them anxiety later on? I have heard that but unsure.

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One thing I have learnt in my nearly 8 years as a parent (and probably the most important thing) is that becomming and being a parent is a constantly evolving process. You have to try new things to be the best parent you can be to your child and often it either doesn't work or it just doesn't sit *right* with you to do it, so you don't, you learn from the experience and move on.

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So true, although learning that something doesnt sit well with you is sometimes hard to do... I feel bad that i felt that this was OK to try and i guess i am disappointed at myself for being tricked into thinking that this wasnt a form of CC as she said in the book that it wasnt.

I understand that it does work for some people and i guess that i was not starting this thread to offend anyone, just express my guilt and anger that i had tried this and done something that was obviously so distressing for my poor little girl, which in turn obviously
distressed me...

Thank you to everyone that has given me the support that i was looking for...

I tried to CC, more so just out of frustration and needing to just leave the room.. but, really, it was just impossible for us to do it. Breaks my heart to hear him crying for me, and to not go.
Probably only tried it on the odd occassion, perhaps 3 or 4 times, but never for consectitive nights or anything, and each time i tried, we ended up have to calm and rock to sleep a hysterical child. Not worth it.
I just keep reminding myself that in 18years time, cuddles will be rare, and take the opportunity now to cuddle as much as we can. Eventually - they do sleep, self settle, like magic, all on their own, when they are good and ready.

What I cant understand is when ppl say "Let them cry 'it' out" What is 'it' a baby cries for a reason even if it is just to be loved, thats a good enough reason for me. :D

hi sj - i know what you mean, i mentioned in our other thread that i tried self-settling as they call it but really cc.. it really broke my heart. i could see him crying on the baby monitor and eventually cry himself to sleep. i did the different timings they said in the book, but it didnt work and in the end he just cried himself to sleep even tho i went in to reassure him every time. i cried and cried seeing the baby monitor and i too feel like ***** and so guilty. he may not remember it anymore but i still feel so bad.
i read another book and it gave a shorter time to go settle your bub. these books all give different ideas. it's not consistent
no wonder a lot of new mothers just do whatever, out of desperation. im sure no mother wants to see her child distressed..

now when lakshman goes to bed, i tell him i'll always be tehre for him no matter what.

i'd liek to know who the author is, if you could pm me...

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What I cant understand is when ppl say "Let them cry 'it' out" What is 'it' a baby cries for a reason even if it is just to be loved, thats a good enough reason for me. :D

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I agree entirely.. they dont generally cry for no reason, especially at such a young age. Now, Aiden is older, its easier to pick his crys, and he's starting to fake cry, which, i tell him to stop being silly, and go back to sleep.. which means that he lays in his cot and chats and laughs away to himself for a good hour, before going back to sleep, so, i know its nothing serious..

My mum used to tell me.. let them cry, stretchs their lungs.. thankfully, she lives in NSW, so, i get to nod (over the phone) and just do my own thing.

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let them cry, stretchs their lungs

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I love this one - one day someone will cop onto themselves before they utter these most idiotic words! Meanwhile, I hope that new mothers everywhere greet this saying with wildly rolling eyes (even if just on the inside!)...makes me laugh ironically every time...

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I agree entirely.. they dont generally cry for no reason, especially at such a young age. Now, Aiden is older, its easier to pick his crys, and he's starting to fake cry, which, i tell him to stop being silly, and go back to sleep.. which means that he lays in his cot and chats and laughs away to himself for a good hour, before going back to sleep, so, i know its nothing serious..

My mum used to tell me.. let them cry, stretchs their lungs.. thankfully, she lives in NSW, so, i get to nod (over the phone) and just do my own thing.

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Dont you just love it when ppl say it 'stretchs' their lungs haha fools! They were just told that to make them feel better about letting their children/babies cry!
Its like saying "Let kids eat moldy bread as it makes their tummies tough"
:lol::lol: You idiots!

:hug: I tried the CC thing the other week and I just felt like the most horrible person in the world

I will leave her if I need to or if I know it will help but if I know a quick cuddle a booby will help then so be it.. I decided she is only little for such a short amount of time..

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