are you happier single?

i was just wanting to hear other people's experiences in regards to separation... i'm in a relationship where basically we are just friends who live together and have a child, it has been like this for quite some time and my partner is incapable of talking about his feelings, refuses counselling, i'm really stuck with choosing to live like this or leave as i don't believe things can really get better... i am slowly coming to the conclusion that i would be happier out of the relationship and on my own... however this is such a major decision and i am filled with doubts over whether i would be doing the right thing... i'd love to hear some success stories of those who have been hesitant about leaving a partner but have ended up in a happier situation... i just keep thinking life is too short and really the only thing holding us together is our daughter, and im not sure its in her best interests really to have an unhappy mother and possibly father (im not sure how he feels he wont say)... i feel that kids are adaptable and can adjust, and as my little girl is justa toddler, i'm not too concerned with the effect it will have on her, as i think it will end up being a positive.

financially i would be better off (and i mean extremely better of) staying in the relationship, but i keep telling myself money isn't everything and lots of people have nothing and are more content than people who seem to 'have it all' but are miserable inside. i'm under 30 and have my whole life ahead of me... surely i'm too young to be in an unsatisfying loveless relationship?

Oh Emma :hug:
I know that you are in a tough position, and I can't offer the practical advice you're looking for, but wanted to offer my thoughts.

When you are in a loveless relationship, you look for all the things that make it good, because you want something to cling on to. Whether that's money, material things, living arrangements... whatever. And you worry about all the things that will make you unhappy if you leave - loneliness, lack of help, people's pity, self doubt...

That is what is the hardest thing to overcome leaving a relationship that is a companionship. Because you are so conditioned to just accepting what you have it can be really hard to move forward and look at what you will gain, rather than what you will lose.

Try and take the optimistic approach and see that you will regain your independence, you will have the opportunity to find a man that loves you and that will communicate with you. You will no longer have to share with a bed hog, you can parent DD the way you want to parent her in your space...

I know it is diffiuclt, and you are right, it is a really hard decision, but YOU have already concluded that it is an unsatisfying relationship which is more a companionship, that your daughter is adaptable and that you WANT THIS.

If you wanted companionship you could stay at your girlfriend's place, but you want someone to care for you and to love you. And it doesn't necessarily matter if it is the right thing to do, you just need to be confident iin your choice and that it is right for you.

I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable hun.

Great big hugs :hug: :hug:

I am much happier. And much less sick than I used to get, the poor mods would hear from miserable me sick with some sort of infection, glandular fever... list would go on. I am so much healthier now because I made that decision to find my own happiness. It never does change, and as someone who was key in helping me through this said herself, it took her 30 years to realise it wasn't going to change... I dont want to be 30 years down the track to find true love and happiness. There are challenges and things get tough, but I feel much happier and less stressed, people noticed the difference right away!

Honestly its a little scary at first but Im happier and I dont regret it one bit. I can parent DS the way I see fit and I can be my own person again.
GL with your decision.

hi Emma, i dont have any advice for you, but wanted to let you know that your situation sounds just like mine. I decided to seperate last week, and while their have been many tears shed by me, and much guilt felt, I really feel that I have made the right decision for me. Like you I am only young and have my whole life ahead of me and DS is only 2, so im hoping cuase hes so young the seperation wont afect him as much.

Goodluck in making your decision, it is a hard one, but at some stage in your life you really need to put yourself first and forget about protecting the feelings of others.

I am here if you ever want to chat just pm me x

I am so much healthier, happier, and more whole, harmonious, self disciplined, and dedicated to my kids since leaving XP.
Yes it can be hard, and can feel lonely and thankless at times.
But you can't put a price on your happiness as a person.
Since becoming single I have been able to find myself as a person again. And in doing so have improved my relationship with my family, friends, and most importantly my children.
Its such a breath of fresh air being able to think for myself, and not having to worry about walking on eggshells, or negativity, or feeling like you're just existing in a cloud of discontent where you feel stuck...

All the best with making a decision. :hug:

thank you so much
i hope i get lots of responses as i am going to print this out and re-read it whenever i start to question myself...

i guess the thing is, i keep justifying why i should stay, because things aren't THAT bad, he is a good guy, a great dad, there is no violence or anything like that, we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship, no affection, no communication, no love... i guess i feel greedy and guilty, because i am potentially breaking up our family because i want more out of a relationship.

sometimes i think i should just be happy with what i have and accept it. i think thats the way my partner thinks, things aren't perfect but he has accepted things for what they are.... but i don't think i can do it. i just feel like if he would admit that things aren't right and that its not working, it would be such a huge weight lifting off my shoulders, but at the moment its just me complaining and saying how unhappy i am, and him not acknowledging a problem... possibly living in denial. it makes it so hard when its me having to make the decision that its over, i feel it should be both of us deciding.... if it was a joint decision i wouldn't feel so guilty. he is leaving all the work to me.

It is better for your little one to have happy parents. And if she is little it MAY be better to do this sooner rather than later.

I suppose the best thing to do is actually tell him you are thinking of leaving, that you feel you are both unhappy and no one should live an unhappy life. No one has to be to blame.
It would be good to give him to to think about it. Some guys really have no idea that we are unhappy. He might want to fight for the relationship, might not but at least you will know.

I am happier single, I just am. There is also something very satisfying about it - captain of my own ship yadda yadda yadda...

ETA - yeah, but I don't think humans are supposed to live without affection, its a big thing. Oh and him avoiding the whole subject sucks a bit, its cowardly.

Maybe you could try a trial separation for a couple of weeks. Tell him exactly how you are feeling and give yourselves time apart from each other. He'll either get a wake up call or still not do anything and it might just give you the head space to make your decision easier. Good Luck :hug:

Emma, I have being through what you are currently going through..

I ended up seperating from my partner, and we were apart for well over 12mths..
We have recently gotten back together (only as a gf/bf type relationship), but we have chosen, more so I have chosen, to not live together this time..

It took me alot to get used to being on my own, but after about 5mths, I felt fantastic!
I could do what I wanted, when I wanted & didn't need anyone's "permission", so to speak..
Being back in the relationship now, I can already feel the unhappiness starting to return..
He is so incredibly in love with me, yet I can't return the same feeling anymore..

Best of luck with your decision..

i'm sure he knows i'm not happy as i have 'blown up' on so many occassions and told him, and also i have left for a few days in the past and gone to stay at my parents... none of it has done any good. the thing with a trial separation is i feel like its not a real indication of what life will be like, as i will be staying with my parents and won't be in my own place, does that make any sense? also i'm not sure i want him to wake up and want to fight for the relationship now, as i am not sure even if he tries a bit harder, that it will be enough.... i'm not sure we are a good match for each other. a year or so ago i would have been all for him wanting to fight for the relationship, i tried to get him to go to counselling etc, i feel like i tried and tried, and now as more time has passed i feel like its too little too late if he does decide he wants to put more effort in, i don't think its what i want anymore.
i also feel really sad for him, i feel sad that he won't get to see his daughter every day and kiss her goodnight before bed...

Emma - your story sounds a lot like mine. My DH was great most of the time, we were/hopefully still are, best friends. He's a great Dad and someone I could always count on, trust, etc. BUT no body is perfect and he did a lot of things wrong and there were a lot of things he sucked at. I just found that I couldn't live with the sucky things anymore...

I felt terrible, breaking up the family when there wasn't anything really wrong. But you're right - you shouldn't have to live in a love-less relationship. I love DH - always will but I want more and so does he - he's reaslised that and so will your DH because chances are he's not happy he just doesn't want to change anything.

It breaks my heart when he sayd goodbye to the kids but it is getting easier for him and it will for your DH.

But to answer your question - YES I am a lot happier. It's really, really bloody hard bringing up 3 kids by yourself (one will obviously be easier but still hard) and I really miss having someone to debrief to at the end of the day (even if he didn't listen). But i'm a stronger person already and I love that. I felt like I was really weak with him and that person has gone!

I think a trial seperation is a good idea. My DH wouldn't agree to that at first but soon changed his mind when faced with the alternative. I knew pretty much the first week that we weren't going to get back together and so might you, but you'll never know till you try. Yes, you do deserve to be happy and I am so glad i'm facing singledom and 3 kids at 28 not 38!

Good luck hun, let me know if you want to chat :)

I have been feeling awfully guilty for the last week Emma, he is a good person who loves me so much, but these days that just isn't enough. Today has proved just how unhappy iam in this relaionship, it was the first time we ever yelled at each other (or rather the first time I have ever stuck up for myself and said what I really feel!), So now that I sit here I am on the verge of tears, but it is blindingly obvious that I am doing the right thing.

I think you should discuss a plan with him. Like you say a trial seperation wont be a true indication of seperation cause you wouldn't really be out on your own. Maybe live apart for 6 months, once that 6 months is up reassess both your feelings.

Please try to stop beating yourself up about breaking up your family, even if you feel the reason for splitting is so small, there is still a reason that is big enough for you to consider splitting. Give yourself a break and so whats right for you. I know how extremely scarey the prospect of going out on your own is, but sometimes we need to do it for ourselves.

In answer to your OP, I am 100% sure I will be much happier when I finally move out with DS.

Separating from my EX is like having one less child to deal with. His mother did everything for him for the first 27 years and it felt like I did it for the next nine.

The relief !

A lot of the stories have similarities - things are not great, but you think you should stay to keep the family unit together, you don't want to be the one to break it up.

Someone made a comment back there about being glad they're 28 and not 38 - well, I'm happy to be single and 38 and not 48 !! My EX suggested we still live together and pretend to be a family until the kids were teenagers !!!

Have never once regretted moving out.

It's tough being a single parent and at times I wish their father was around, but then when he does decide to pop back into our lives I am alot more stressed out and snappy.
Having him around is like having another child and honestly dealing with a 16month old and 5 n half month old together is alot easier and less stressful than dealing with him.
Whilst we all want the happy family for our children sometimes it doesn't happen that way, and it still saddens me at times to think about it and to think about having to answer all sorts of questions I will be faced with when they are old enough and start asking where daddy is.
My ex really is a loser and it's taken me a long time to realise this, I hate to talk nasty about him and will never do so infront of our children. Someone who can take money from their kids, not defend their kids when their new partner is threatening to kill them etc is not worthy of my time or the childrens (not that he even bothers to see how they are - they are a novelty toy to him, when he is bored and noone else will listen to him or give him money then we hear from him otherwise nothing)
So in answer to the question - yes I am happier being single, well away from him anyway.
I'm in no rush to be in a relationship and really get tired of people telling me I need to move on and find someone new, I have two beautiful children to spend my time with and when the time is right it (new relationship) will happen. I have let go of the ex, moving on will happen in its own time.

When I read about things in your relationship I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Due to my husband's depression and the verbal abuse that I cop when he's having a down day or week I have felt really really unhappy. I am still with my husband even though I have thought many times about leaving. In some cases separation might be the right thing. You may well be happier out of the relationship...I may well be happier out of my relationship.

I hope you make the right decision for you and your family. Perhaps start with a trial separation.
Myself: I'm staying and fighting for my marriage which I know some people think is foolish. Thing is, I come from a long line of stayers and fighters who have been married for 27+ years (and my grandparents who have been married for about 53 years). They've had really tough times but stayed and fought for their marriages and have got good marriages now. My husband comes from a long line of broken relationships including his parents who split up when he was about 1 or 2 and he is messed up in a big way because his mother left.

In the end, no one can make the decision for you, you have to do what you think is right and if you don't know what's right then you need to take a chance. Weigh up the pros and cons. Even though your partner wont talk to you about his feelings, tell him calmly about yours (if you haven't already). Tell him you are thinking of leaving. He might agree that it's best or it might be a wake up call to him.

I'm about to start councelling so I can cope better during the tough times. My husband doesn't want to go to councelling yet but I'm hopeful that he will soon.

Good luck with it all.

i'm in a relationship with one child, living like brother/sister - only thing we can talk about without getting up each other's noses, is our child.

our relationship, where we live, how we live - nothing is working, but he refuses to work with me on improving any of it. the suggestions i come up with, people i find to help us, he won't co-operate on any level. so it feels like GroundHog day, a never ending nightmare of unhappiness.

because i have previously left a d/v r'ship, and this one is not violent at all, i also have enormous guilt about leaving.

my two year is enormously attached to her father. they spend alot of time together when he's not at work. she stresses out if he goes out the room!

i am stuck right now. Knowing i have made the decision to go, not being able to find somewhere else to live, knowing he is my only source of support, no family to help me. Also scared i have no recent rental refs (rent is in his name), knowing the stiff competition for rentals, the high price of rentals, realising i will probably have to rent far away from schools, services, etc - scared it will mean bilby not going to school where i had planned (a small alternative school).

i'm not a 100% well person (few health problems), and not as street smart as i feel you need to be, to live in the neighbourhoods where i suspect i will end up living (to my price bracket).

i'm scared. and stuck.

the life we are living now is not right.
bilby cannot play outside here.
she and i are like hamsters in a cage.
there is so much clutter, no room to be relaxed anywhere. things being lost constantly. so much confusion. nothing is changing.
we are indoors, stuck in this clutter all the time.
i feel so overwhelmed.
there is so much stuff that is his that he won't part with.
i cannot use the garage to put my car in, cos he has it full of stuff that he never uses and is just degrading out in the weather anyway. so i have to put bilby in a stinking hot car all summer, like 60 degrees.

nothing is all one person's fault, i'm sure part of it is me too, but i'm now thinking, the combo of both of us, i'm drowning here.

i see how bilby thrives being outdoors, having space. I want her to be FREE to play outside, have messy play, have a clamshell with sand in it for example. normal stuff. nothign fancy or expensive.

at someone else's place, with ROOM to cook, i actually CAN cook. Here i never cook. i need space to think clearly. without it, i shut down and become ineffective.

the lack of communication, the stress from him taking years to file tax returns, it's such an unhealthy r'ship. not being married after 5.5 years of being engaged, i've had enough.

I had been in a loveless relationship for over 5 years...but for my children, i continued to try to hold the family all together. I suffered constant migraines, depression and was generally unhealthy because i ate for comfort.

My ex husband, had very little to do with the raising of our children, in fact he did absolutly nothing...he was very rarely home and just didnt seem to care what this did to his kids.

3 months ago i made the best decision of my life.....i told him i was no longer going to live like this. And i can tell you now....my life couldnt be better....im happy, i wake up in the morning with a smile on my face....i look great...lost 14kg in 3 months...and my kids are coping really well with everything. Their dad still makes life difficult because he always cancells their weekends with him....but you know what......we are so much better off....and now im seeing an guy i dated when i was 14 and he treats me like a princess and im finding out what its like to be truly loved..... im lucky...i know that. But if i didnt take that step...i would never have found out what it could be like!!


Best of luck with what ever decision you make
Treelo

I am much happier, less stressed & generally healthier & my girls seem to be responding to that. I have lost weight since XDH left, and my girls are more settled & less agitated.

I wish you all the strength in the world to help you make this decision.

I am so much happier now I'm separated! I never got any help with DD when we were together - he wouldn't even give her a bottle! Now I've got my own life set up and things are coming along nicely! i'm happier than I've ever been! I'm me - not someone else's wife...Im me!
It was a long time coming which is why I cried for all of 5mins when I kicked him out!