Our Precious Butterfly

This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. When I came back from hospital, I thought I would come in here and tell my story.... I read everyone's heartbreaking stories, then I thought I would have a go at writing mine. I tired so many times to write mine, but no words would come, only tears. But today, today I think I am ready.....

I was 15w 3d, and I was woken up by really bad cramping pains, I couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought that I would go for a shower, try and watch some TV, and just wait for my husband to wake up. There was no blood, just the pain. The pain, I would not wish that on anybody.

Paul woke up at 5am, and I told him about the pain, I told him that I was going to go to Mum's, ( every girl needs her Mum in times like this), she asked me what the pain was like, I tried to explain, in between the crying. She said that they sounded like contractions, and got my younger sister to take me up to the hospital. We got up there by 5:30am, I was in so much pain, I just wanted the pain to go away, and they just wanted to ask questions, ( I know this is their job, but the pain).

They took me back through to emergency, and I had to sit on a chair, while they found me a bed, I was so dizzy and needed some food, but I couldn't incase I needed to go into surgery. At this time, they wouldn't let Tamika in, so I went and got her, and she found a really nice nurse, who found me a bed and was getting a Doctor to come and have a look at me, by this stage I was classed as a Cat 2. I thought the pain was bad before, now I was doubled over in pain, screaming for some relief, the nurse had a look to make sure there was no baby there. It had only been about 20 minutes, but felt like hours, they gave me some morphine. It took some of the pain away, I never want to feel this pain again.

By this time, they had found me a cubical, and wheeled me in there, the doctors came and talked to me, asked a zillion questions, then went away, gave some more morphine. Another doctor came in and done an internal, but didn't say anything. Next a drip went in, but still couldn't eat or drink. Tamika called Paul (husband) to come up, I was so scared. A couple of hours passed and a Gyno came and done an ultrasound, but she said that she couldn't really see anything, she did say that she could see the baby and a heartbeat, Paul said that he couldn't see on at all, and that I would need to go have a vaginal ultrasound.

There was still no blood, and no one was really telling me anything, so they came and got me for the ultrasound, she tried on the belly first, but she also said that she couldn't see and that I would need to take the bottoms off. She was looking, and I said to her, can you see the heartbeat, she said I am so sorry, but NO :cry: Just as she said this, I said I think I am bleeding, she told me that I was, and that the baby was at the top of the vagina. I didn't cry, I didn't want to cry in front of them. They took me back to birthing suits, and a few minutes later Paul came in, and I just bawled.

They said that they would give me a couple of hours, to see if the placenta would come out, and if not then I would have to go and have surgery to manually remove it. They had a look,and the baby was crowning, they cut the cord, and showed us our baby. It was hard not being able to hold our baby, but she was so tiny. She had all 10 fingers and toes, and she was perfect to us. We are not sure it she was a girl or not, but I had a feeling that she was.

The placenta didn't come out, so I had to go in for surgery. I had a spinal, cos I am paranoid about being put under, its a strange feeling not being able to feel your legs. The doctor told me the next day, that the cervix was only open a little bit, but the got the placenta out, and cleaned me out inside.

I am home now, but having a miscarriage is the hardest thing and the most painful thing I have ever been through. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I do believe that things happen for a reason, we don't have to like them. I feel so empty.

If I cry in front of my Mum, she tells me not to cry, but I need to, I know she is not saying DON'T cry, she just doesn't want to see me in pain. I told Paul that I don't want to sit there all day and cry, but I do need to cry. I know the pain wont go away, but will fade, and Paul says that we will never forget.... How could we?

I am so sorry for anyone who has gone through this painful situation, if anyone wants to talk and they need someone to listen, I am here, as are all the other brave ladies.

:pray:

Oh huggabug. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you during this very difficult time for you.

You have gone through something that shouldn't happen to anyone, but it happens all too often. I hope you are OK.

I am so sorry for your loss :hug:.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Huggabug,
I am so, so sorry :(
That is an awful experience to have had. I can't imagine your feeling of loss at this horrible time.
I'm glad you've got a lot of great support - your Mum and DH sound lovely.
The emptiness does fade, but your DH is right - you won't forget.
Take care of yourself sweety, my thoughts are with you through this terrible time in your life.
XX :hug:

So very sorry for the loss of your precious angel. Big big hugs to you during this sad time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Regards,
Dianne

i am so sorry for your loss i have shed a tear reading your story and i wish there was something i could do to take the pain away :hug:

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I have tears in my eyes after reading your story as I know that the emotional pain you are feeling right now is probably as bad as the physical pain you felt.

You are such a beautiful person for thinking about how you could help other people when you yourself are going through such a difficult time. Many :hug: to you.

Cry when you are alone if you dont want to cry in front of people. I think that the reason that we do cry is because the emotional pain we feel deep inside is too much for our bodies to contain so we relaese through tears. Maybe light a special candle for your little angel and just let it all out.

Thinking of you :hug:

I am so sorry for your loss. Talk and cry about it as much as you want, it is hard but it's part of healing. Sending you lots of :hug:.

Kylie, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of your precious butterfly. I'm so sorry you lost you little girl so early. Big hugs to you and your DH. I will remember both of you in my prayers.

Ruth

I am so sorry for your loss :hug:

I know that pain all to well and my only advice is cry as much as you need to and take your time to grieve.

Sending you lots of strength :hug:

Oh sweetie I am so so sorry to read of your loss. :comfort:
I think you really need to let those tears out, cry your heart out and let yourself grieve for your little angel. You are entitled to feel sad, angry and even a bit of denial its all a natural part of any grieving process, be kind to yourself you have just gone through so much and I am sure your little angel is near you in spirit.

Oh hun, Im so sorry that you have lost your precious little one
I still cry when I think of the day my Madison grew her wings and that was 3 1/2 years ago.
I know at the moment things seem hopeless but in time you will stop crying , everyday at least, and the pain wont be so raw.

The worst thing you can do is keep your feelings inside and pretend to be strong. Please dont feel afraid to cry and take as much time as you need to grieve.

I am so sorry for your loss, my thouhts are with you

Oh hunni, sending you huge hugs. I am so sorry for your loss. Your little angel will always be there with you, even if you can't see her.

I am so sorry about your loss. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. It's ok to cry, get mad, scream or just sleep. I think that I did all of those things. If you ever need to talk there are always people here to listen or share with. It's almost been a year and still there is not a day goes by that I don't miss my lil angel. BIG HUGS!

I am so sorry for your loss, what an incredibly strong person you are thinking of others whilst you are grieving.

I wish we could stop things like this happening to people, my thoughts are with you and your family

Kylie,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby.
Please take your time to grieve the way you feel is right. I know your Mum means well, she doesn't want to see you hurting... perhaps you need to explain to her (or your DH could) that you need to cry... you need to travel through these crashing waves of emotions in order to get to the calmer seas... it will take some time, but you will get there.
Your husband is right... you will never, ever forget.

Thinking of you :comfort:

oh Kylie, I am so sorry sweetie :hug:. That is just such a terrible loss. I too have suffered a late miscarriage when I lost my little son Joshua at 20 weeks. That was by far the most heart breaking and devastating experience of my life.
All I can say to you, is please grieve and cry as much as you need to hun, as you have every right to do that. You feel shocked, numb, angry, and then so empty, but this is what a grieving mother goes through. With time you will learn how to live with that grief, and you'll never forget your son. He is such a big part of you.
I wish you with all my heart much strength and courage to get through this very sad time. You and your little angel are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care Kylie,
Beata xxx

Thank you everyone for your beautiful words. I haven't cried for a few days, but when someone comes up to me and says sorry, then I cry. As well as feeling empty, I also feel lonely, that is a strange one, although I have my son here with me on hols, and hubby here at night, I still feel lonely.

I find myself still counting the weeks, but instead of saying I am, its now I would of been, like this Friday 16th, I would of been 17 weeks, is that natural that I do that....

Anyway I just wanted to thank everyone for there kind, sweet words, and for being my ears. You guys truely rock.

I wonder if any of you really know how much you mean to people like me, who have had a miscarriage, or for the people who want to share their good news. You all deserve s great big :hug::hug::hug::hug:

Thank you xxx

Kylie, what you are feeling is so completely normal hun. After I lost Joshua, I felt like I was so alone, not one word anyone said made me feel better. After all, we lose such a big part of ourselves, it's like a big gaping hole.
I know exacltly what you mean about thinking/saying 'I would have been so many weeks'. My due date is on 12 Feb 09 and almost every week I remind myself of how many weeeks I would have been along. My psychologist told me it's completely natural, as your body still thinks it's pregnant, and the day you stop feeling like this will be on your due date. Then, in some part, a sad chapter can be finally closed.
Big warm hugs to you hun :hug:, I hope you continue to feel a little bit better every day, I know we'll never forget.
Love
Beata xxx