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Ok so i've been having MAJOR issues with DD of late but people still say I'm a good mum.
It's got me thinking - what makes a good parent? If you love your child to bits, but they drive you mad and don't listen to a word you say....does that make you a good parent or just a loving one?
Sorry its a bit of a random thread but it's got me thinking!
My first answer to that question, when I read the thread title was, 'love makes a good parent'.
I truly believe that. If you love a child unconditionally, you can get past all the hard times.
We all go through stages in our life where we question if we're a good person. Am I a good mother? Am I a good wife? Am I a good friend? It's natural to ask yourself these.
It's what we do in life, and how we love that's the main point.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch with your dd ATM, but it will get better. And you'll think why you even thought you weren't a good parent to begin with :D
just do your best!!! love, comfort, nuture all the simple things!
im sure you are a great mum!!
:) I think there are a few people who would say not me! (As in not Rosehip, not not themselves.)
IMO, love is the first thing. And the most important. Without a loving exterior to you young child, that's not a good thing.
Toddlers do tend to drive you mad and not listen to you! That's their aim in life LOL. No, what they are doing is learning. They are learning boundaries and how far they can push them. I'm strict (some who know me IRL say too strict) and if DS doesn't listen to me three times then he gets to the countdown of 5 the third time (ie 5-4-3-2-1) and I just do it, pick him up and make him obey me. He rarely screams about it now!
Now, you may be a lot more relaxed than I am about rules. There are some things I let DS lead me in (such as when he is ready to sit at the table and not the high-chair, when he's ready for big-boy bed and potty training... mostly because he's ready for this before I am LOL!) but rules I lead and am obeyed. If I tell DS he is NOT to go behind the television and play with the wires he is to obey for his own safety. If he doesn't then I try a game to get him out (such as "where's Liebling? Is he under the table? Is he on the chair? He can't be behind the television because that's naughty, not something good boy would do. Where can he be?" By this point he's usually out, running to me and giggling. If this fails I say "He is behind the TV! That's not good boy! Come out now please. You have from 5. 5-4-3-2-1." By 1 I am almost next to him so just pick him up, block off the TV again and start him playing with something else. DH says I give him too long, but I know he needs this time.
We do loads of warning too. So bedtime, which used to be fought, now starts with a song. DS runs to the bathroom at this song, asking for "teeth!" so he can clean his teeth. 9 times out of 10. Sometimes we have to bribe him with his toothbrush.
Now, this doesn't make me a good parent. I give Liebling love, praise, cuddles, kisses, time, playing, exploring, nourishment and rules. There is always someone out there who can do that better and always someone who will say this isn't good parenting. But this is what I feel is right and the best I can do.
IMO, a "bad" parent is one who never shows love or affection, always shouts at the children, uses bad language all the time around the children (directed at people) and never follows up rules. Continuously, not just because it's a bad day today! We all have bad days where we're snappy and over it. And someone can have a bad moment in the shops so it pays never to think bad thoughts because five minutes later I'm telling DS off for something minor that really doesn't matter! You don't have to be super-strict to be a good parent but you do, IMO, have to follow up with what you say. If you promise a trip to the park, do it. If you say that if the child climbs the curtains they will have a five-minute time out and no Thomas for the rest of the day, do it.
Just my opinion on the matter, only you know if your parenting is good enough for you and your daughter. Is she happy and safe? If she is, chances are you're a good parent.
I think:
Love - loving them for who they are
Honesty - with them and with yourself. Show them genuine feeling and who you are as a person.
Kindness - Give them boundaries but give them kindly. Kids dont hear better just because you yell
Empathy - Understanding of who your child is, what they feel and what they need
Time - Spend time interacting with them so you share their journey through childhood
ps This is just a general comment and not directed at you and your parenting :) I am sure you are a great mum!
Arrhhh just lost my post!!! :wall:
I think a good parent is someone who comes on BB to find out how they can be the best parent they can be.
I also think a good parent is someone who provides unconditional love, care, education, gives praise and encouragement, gives boundaries, instills respect, morals and values in their child, provides a safe and happy environment and believes in their child.
I am sure it is hard to do all these things all the time but if I can manage these most of the time then I think I will be doing okay. (i hope!)
A good parent is someone whom is willing to give up their last mouthful of dinner, or their last bite of chocolate for that little voice next to you asking 'mumma, can i have some?'.....i would do anything, anything for my kids - even give up my last mouthful of tiramsu cake like i did tonight for them.......:wall:
Then I must be a terrible parent because since my DS was four months old I have hardly felt anything for him.:
The logical part of me agrees with you, but the sick part of me that struggles to connect with my DS at all is really offended.
I know I am a good parent. Most of the time I don't know how, considering the heartbreaking thoughts I have about my DS, and don't know why I know I am a good parent. I just know that I am. Because despite all the bad days, the times I have wanted to harm not only him but myself, I have never turned my back on him. I sought help, and it was hard, but I am a good mum because I want to be, because I am trying to be, even though most days I feel nothing, nothing for my son.
I disagree mbear - my DS cannot have chocolate due to allergies. A good mother doesn't give up her chocolate to her child in my house! A good mother also stops Grandma giving chocolate to her children too. I would die for the lad, but I wouldn't give him chocolate! (He refuses it now anyway.)
I also don't think self-sacrifice makes a good mother necessarily. A "martyr mummy" (as I had growing up) is VERY hard to live with. By all means give up your wants for your child's needs, but neglecting your needs isn't going to help and will leave you feeling resentful. And whinging that you never get new clothes because you're buying your other child a car to the child who you refuse to help financially doesn't help either.
eta - CM, that's why I said a good mother shows a loving front to the child! As you know, I think Liebling is great and of course I love him (whatever love means), but he's not my child and I don't love him the way all these other mothers say they love their children. He's a nice kid and does cute things - but I could walk away tomorrow without a problem. I'm his primary carer, not his mother. And have only not left already because DH has taken the car and DS would be home alone and that's not responsible.
Cookie :hug: you are definitely not a bad parent. I am glad that you see that you arent. You are an amazing parent for the fact that you never turned your back on your DS even when times were extremely difficult. You stuck buy him.:
Asking for help and reaching out makes a good parent. This place is amazing to get the help that we need.
I feel like maybe I shouldn't post in this area as I don't have a child yet (so how could I possibly know) but I have learnt so much from this place and feel like I will be a better parent because of this place and the people in it.
Oh wow it is very interesting to read everyone's replies! I can see so much of my parenting ways in the posts! From counting down (DD only gets 3 counts!) to her stealing the vegies off my dinner plate to wanting to turn my back on her when I've hit the bottom but not actually doing it! Not giving her chocolate and lecturing her grandparents not to give her any either made me laugh! The arguements I have with one of her granddads over choc seems never ending!
DD drives me mad and drives me to tears but all that melts away when she puts her arms around me and gives me a tight cuddle and a dribble filled kiss!
You know what I think makes a good parent? Always wanting to improve from yesterday's effort.
I did some things with DS that i wish I hadn't done (ie, controlled crying) and I swear that is why he is the way he is now at 2.
So I haven't repeated the behaviour. With DD, she does NOT cry to sleep, or hardly ever gets the chance to cry at all. We give her lots of cuddles and kisses and aren't afraid to have her in our bed, or pick her up if she wants us.
This has made me a better parent. Seeing what I did "wrong" the first time, and rectifying it.
To do the same again - would make me a bad parent. You can't learn from your mistakes if you never make any in the first place. Parenting isn't something that comes naturally to everyone - and if the only example of parenting we have to go by is what we have seen from our parents - then we have to make mistakes to see what we can do better.
I too, like RF and CM, have felt disconnected from DS. Its only recently that I actually can acknowledge that he is mine, because I haven't felt it before.
Learning how to do something a different way - a better way - every day is what makes me a good parent.
(I think so anyway ;))
I agree with Arimeh.
A good parent tries as hard as they can today, and resolves to try harder and do better tomorrow. A good parent is constantly evaluating and re-evaluating their methods, their child and their lifestyle. A good parent seizes the opportunites to learn EVEN when they are painful. A good parent is resolute in their care - they do not waver in their support and care even when times are terrible.
A good parent treats the smack of an angry toddler's fist as par for the course and the hug of that toddler a joyous privilege. A good parent is still there on the days when they want to be ANYWHERE else. A good parent would drown, starve, freeze, be beaten or killed before allowing their child to come to harm.
To me being a good parent is about how you BEHAVE, not how you feel. For most parents the love they feel for their child is the impetus that allows them to continue behaving as a good parent.
For some unlucky parents, like Cookie, something interferes and the love is missing. Without feeling love they must suffer the sleeploss, the exhaustion, the tantrums, the tears, the demands and the trials of parenthood without ever getting the reward of the rush of love for their child that Nature gives to most of us. And yet they continue. Without getting to FEEL the love they complete the most challenging ACT of love in raising their child. To me THOSE people are the best parents of all.
Cookie you have earned that loving feeling many many times over, and i hope you get to feel it really soon. xxx
Bx
...maybe think outside the square and think about something else than chocolate.......i think the point of my post was 'quote: i would do anything for my kids' unquote. That makes ME a good mother in my eyes.:
I disagree mbear - my DS cannot have chocolate due to allergies. A good mother doesn't give up her chocolate to her child in my house! A good mother also stops Grandma giving chocolate to her children too. I would die for the lad, but I wouldn't give him chocolate! (He refuses it now anyway.)
Hoobley hun you made me cry :redface: Thank you for such a kind post. I need to spread the luuuurve.
I just want to clarify my position - I didn't mean to upset anyone with what I said, it's just the way I see things right now. It's not controllable it is just there.
I think Mel made a really good point, good parents are those that want to learn and improve each day. We want reassurance and guidance and encouragement. We want to love our children and we do the best that we can...
The best that we can may mean that sometimes we do lose our temper and they get a smack, or sometimes we have a bad day and jarred food or two minute noodles is all we can do. The best that we can is sometimes second hand clothes, sharing the last of the food on our plates, giving into your eleven month old's food tantrums and giving them your ice-cream because you just can't take the screaming anymore (*sigh*). Sometimes it is letting our children cry it out, or locking them in their room while you take a breather for five minutes.
It is all we can do - keep trying. And we try everyday, even if we feel nothing and even if we are sick and bedridden, we keep on trying and thinking ten steps ahead of our children. We are all good parents because we want to be good parents. Because when we think we are failing we want to do better. We are good parents because we set our expectations so high and we seek help and we are good parents because we are there.
Day in and day out we are all there for our babies. We may not love them but we all know they love us. And if anyone tries to tell me that they are a bad parent you look at how happy their children are, and how they smother their mothers with love and affection.
Maybe my definition of love is different to yours CM. Everything you just said in your post, in my opinion, is love. Which is why I said in my first post that love makes a good person. I honestly believe that. If I didn't love my children, I wouldn't want to get better at how I do things, I wouldn't care what food they ate, if they even ate, or where they slept. But I do care about those things, which means I love them.
Jodi, I logically know that. I do. But emotionally, I do not love Alexander. He is not my child. He is just a hindrance to my personality and my life. And those are horrible thoughts but they are all that I feel right now. It is something I wish that I could change and make go away, and it is, very slowly getting better. And as I said, in the healthy part of my mind, I know the things I do are love, but that doesn't make me love him? Feel love for him, or realise that what i am doing is an act of love KWIM?
Sorry I know it doesn't make sense, but I can't explain any better.
definately LOVE
then patience
It makes perfect sense to me hun. Most people, in fact, manage to care adequately for their kids due to loving them. It takes real iron to care for them out of duty rather than love. FWIW i have never been dx with PND but during the early months and break-up i fairly regularly looked at DD and just saw this huge millstone around my neck. If it weren't for you, i used to think, i could be rid of XP and out of here and never have to look back. I didn't wish she was dead, but i did think that if she died i would be free on more than one occasion. And i really don't think i COULD have bonded better at birth or had a better start with her - the strain of the whole situation after her birth was just too much. Once i was out of my miserable situation things improved drastically. I know your PND is much more serious than that but it WILL get better hun. I can't believe you've managed not only to care for your DS but are also getting help for yourself too. Kudos hunny, my touch of depression felt like 10 mountains to climb, i can't imagine your strength to be doing what you are. :hug::
Bx
All i can say is we should all be made saints! Just reading all the posts and everything we have to deal with is just amazing when you read it! How we manage to keep going day in and day out is beyond me! From what I've read - we ALL are doing pretty damm good jobs! xoxox
I think what makes a good mum/parent is just the willingness to ask the question in the first place and to listen to the respnses!
hmmmmm
Loving your child would have to be IMO one of the first things we feel for our children...from the moment we find out we get our first BFP to the first kicks and then finaslly watching that person we created grown into a beautiful person. Love makes a great parent becuase love ties our emotions and actions to look, care and motivate ourselves to strive for the best for our children.
Cookie - im a little confussed by you saying you dont love you son.....I have seen you with him and the love ozzed between the two of you...and also if you feel you dont love your child why would you have considered having another?
Love is more then words........love is an action that comes without thinking
Lots of kisses and cuddles and patience.... and quality time...