you left to soon

i dont even know how to start this post

its been so horrible and i dont want to think about it and i dont want to feel the hurt, i just want it all to go away.

after almost 7yrs of ttc we finally found out i was pregnant but it wasnt meant to be. we lost our little miracle "bubba G" last monday after having a 9 week ultrasound to see how everything was going only to find out that you were gone. you werent suppose to go bubba, we seen you on the last ultrasound and your heart was beating and everything looked perfect. how could you have died without me knowing?? i had no pain, no bleeding no nothing. i have had 2 miscarriages before ( about 8-9 yrs ago) and it was nothing like that. losing you bubba g was nothing like them, i never got to see there hearts beating and i never got so far into the pregnancy. how do i move on? i dont know how to take the next step.

in the last 6 days i have had to have 2 D&C's and its been a living night mare!!! i had the first d&c and it was horrible, i have never woken up after surgery and felt so alone or empty like i did that day. then i went home and was in so much pain and there was so much blood and clots so after 2 days of putting up with that i went to the doctor, he put me on 2 different antibotics and another lot of pills to stop the bleeding, after 3 days of being on all the tablets the pain was still getting worse and the bleeding was horrible, i was starting to shiver and shake from the cramps. dp took me back to the doc on tuesday and they sent me away for a scan which showed that they had left bits in me. so yesterday i was admitted back into hospital for ANOTHER d&c and now i am sitting at home still bleeding and still very sore wondering how do i move forward?? i have been through some rough times in my life and yet nothing has shaken me to my core like this. i havent left my house since finding out that bubba G was gone 11 days ago. i am scared!!! i dont want to go back to work and here everyone tell me there sorry and i dont want to go shopping in case i run into people that dont know whats happend and ask me how the pregnancy is going.

i wish this was all over so i can go back to life as normal, but i dont know how to make everything go back to normal??? i dont want to cry anymore and i wish i could stop thinking about everything and just move on, but i cant stop thinking and the tears just keep coming.

i miss you bubba g and would do anything to have you back

i am feeling for you. please take care of yourself.

:hug:

I understand the waking up and feeling so alone. It was like in the recovery area I just wanted someone to acknowledge that my world would never be the same again.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this twice. Don't rush into anything you don't feel up to coping with. Give yourself time and eventually you'll realise you are feeling stronger again. And know you can come in here for someone to listen.

:hug:

Oh hunny, I am holding your hand, as you have held mine. I know how painful it is to acknowledge the world going on. I hope you can take it one day at a time and do what YOU need to do. Don't worry about other people right now, think about you and DD and DH. It is just so unfair hun. Hopefully by sharing your pain here you will have lessened your pain, and let us carry some of the burden.
I am sorry that you have had such a rough ride with the D&C's and infection too.

Bye bye Bubba G, you were much loved, much wanted and will always be remembered in your mummy and daddy's hearts. Fly free little one.

xx

Im so sorry for your loss.
Im also sorry to say that things may never go back to normal. As for people telling you Im sorry, they may not know what else to say for fear of upsetting you. In time you will stop crying and you will be able to face the world but for now you need to do whatever you have to to grieve the loss of your precious baby and take as much time as you need.
Take care of yourself :comfort:

Oh sweetheart... :comfort: I am just so sorry. I understand your pain - I too remember walking out side and wondering - I mean just for a moment really wondering why the world was continuing on... That feeling of waking up and knowing that you are truly alone. You WILL get thru this time. You will. Each day is a step toward healing - healing will happen but the memory and the pain will always remain in part.

Thankyou for sharing baby G's story - fly free little one... :hug:

Oh hun :hug: I am so very very sorry that you lost your Bubba G :(

I feel your pain too, I will never forget waking up in Recovery after my D&C and crying my eyes out, luckily I had a lovely nurse who drew the curtains to give me privacy. And facing the world afterwards...the people who know and the people who don't...the pain is excruciating :(

Trust me though, you will get through this even though it seems now that you can't. You are strong and along with your DH and Chloe you will survive! Take each day as it comes, make sure you don't force yourself to do anything you think you can't cope with, see a counsellor experienced in pregnancy loss too if you have to. Life will go back to a different form of normal, but sadly it does take time.

I hope the bleeding and pain settles down for you soon, how awful to have to go through that on top of everything else :(

Take care of yourself and feel free to PM or E-mail me OK?

xxoo

i wont say how sorry i am to hear of your loss - i know mostly it dosent help
i wont say that in time things will get better - i know it dosent help
i wont say i know what you are going thru - as sometimes that dosent help either
But i will say we are all here for you and give you a big :hug:
Hugs sometimes help!

Just wanted to offer my support and give you :hug:

Please take your time to grieve, as painful as it is, its an important process.

And please be kind to yourself.

Take care.

Oh sweetheart, no words can express what I am feeling for you right now. I am so deeply sorry that you have had to go through this. Just know that I am here holding your hand and helping you through your darkest of hours. Eventually the pain will seem not to be so strong, it will never go away, but it will become bearable. Along with your DH and DD you will smile again.

Take care of yourself and PM if you need to talk - anytime.

Fly free Bubba G

hey

thanks for all your replies

i dont know really where to post this so i will just keep it in here.

we would of been 11 wks today going by measurement of bubba g, but going by my last period i would of been 12wks. i cant stop thinking about it.

dp's mother rang last night and dp asked why didnt they call or come for a visit to show some support, given that this is his first child and all. she told him that " it was just a miscarriage, wasnt like it was born or anything" WTF i cant believe she said that, it was clear that dp just wanted to here that they were sorry and all of that but instead she tells him that!!!!!!! stupid b*tch dp is so upset and cant believe it. i told him i want nothing to do with them ever again. You can take the p*ss out of me about anything but when you say things about my baby then thats it, this is one subject that i will not allow to be picked at and i wont forgive. i am a pretty easy going person not alot will get to me, but when it comes to my babies and ttc its one subject you just dont dare to make nasty comments about.

i still havent left the house since all of this happend, 14 days today and i am still to scared to leave the house. i can talk to people on the phone and get on the computer and everything is fine, but i dont want to leave my home just yet, i dont want to let people see me cry and i know right now if i went back to work or seen anyone at the shops and they asked me how i was going i would break down in tears. i am so angry at myself i dont want to cry anymore, i want to get back to work and be able to go down and get a loaf of bread instead of getting dp or my mum to do it for me. i can feel that each day i am getting better, but i just cant go down town yet. i feel like i am being silly but i really cant help it.

I just wanted to say your MIL should be ashamed of herself! I truly hope your DP told her exactly how out of line she was.... or hopefully he will at a later stage! Her comment is and was not acceptable!

Secondly, i like someone else here, wont go on to say the normal things... i just want to hold you... comfort you and let you cry and vent unitl you cant cry an vent any more!

:hug:

Be so very kind to yourself, take each step at a time....

much love and light vibes your way...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( for you, only you ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks heaps MissyMooMoo for such a sweet and caring reply

i was a little worried that maybe i might of been over reacting to this and being alittle to sensitive about it but i am happy that you see it my way as well. it really broke my heart last night when she said that and i could see it broke dp heart as well. havent we been through enough? and now we have to deal with people and comments like that??

dp said that if she rings again he is going to be telling her exactly what he thinks and how wrong it was. dp has been through so much in the last few weeks and he has truely been my rock and i feel so sorry for him that his family hasnt been very supportive about this at all. it was my mum that gave him comfort when i was in surgery and he broke down knowing what they were doing to me. Its been my mum that has come and cleaned the house so he didnt have to do it. his family couldnt even ring just to see how he was going. this was his first child and he has never experienced a loss before and he has cried just as many tears as me. I just feel sorry for him and i really wish i could of given him this baby

You are definately not overeacting at all M2C, not at all, I just can't believe that your DP's mother could be so insensitive and so unlike a mother. Geez I just want to get hold of her and shake some sense into her - I am so mad that a mother could actually act like that and say something like that. I hope that your DP does get a chance to voice his opinion.

I wish that I lived closer to you, so that I could visit and help you through this, give you some comfort and support. Thinking of you all :comfort:

I too just wanted to let you know I think your DP mother was WAY out of line saying something like that and you hav`nt overreacted at all IMO.

I had a missed miscarriage in Nov 07 I also was 9 weeks along, I dont know about others but I just found it so so hard to deal with especialy since there was no physical indication of a loss.

Take all the time you need and when the time is right you will get back out there... dont be hard on yourself, you have been through enough already.:hug::hug:

hi mummy2chloe,
i too just wanted to send you my love. i've never experienced what you are goin through but I can feel your hurt and pain through your posts.

as for the MIL situation - turn it around. Maybe she is acting like that to show you how lucky you are for your family and DH?? You don't need the extra negativity, DH should just tell her that - only positive, loving people are allowed in your life, especially now. oooh, she has made me cranky too!! you are NOT overreacting.

do just try to focus on getting you better and stuff the b*tch. bbrrrh what an unkind person....

oxoxox

My thoughts are with you. :hug:

Thanks so much everyone

i showed dp all of your replies and it has made him feel a lot better, he thought he might of been over reacting about it aswell, but he feels heaps better now and cant wait to talk to her again so he can tell her what he thinks.

i really dont know what is going on with me?????? dp went to work yesterday and i was sitting at home alone and was getting angry and frusterated(sp?) at myself and how i have let this situation get out of hand, i havent left my house in 15 days all because i am to scared too, so i thought i would go do something that i normally would do on a monday night and thats go play tennis, i got dressed ( first time in days that i have got out of my nightie) got in the car and drove there BUT once i was there in the parking lot i couldnt get out of the car, i went into a ball of tears and all i could think was " i dont want to go on with life without you( bubba g)" and so i drove straight home. i feel that if i get life back to normal i will be forgetting about my little baby as if it meant nothing to me, if that makes sense??

dp has told me that no matter what he is going to take me down town tomorrow, apparently we are going to buy a drink and sit down and drink it then come home. i am scared and i dont want to. this is a small town and i really dont want to run into someone that doesnt know or even if they do know i dont want to hear them say " sorry" because that will make me cry and i dont want to do that, sounds silly i know.

i really wish this would go away, i have never been so unbalanced and so off in my life. everyone always tells me that " i am the strong one " and how well i have handled other situations that they could never of handled themselves. people always come to me when there in trouble or need help. now look at me i cant even go down town. why is this happening??

sorry to ramble on and please dont feel as though you need to reply. i am just venting at myself through this post. i will get it together soon, i know i will. i have bounced back before so i can do it again. just angry that its taking me a little longer

Just wanted to send you a great big hug.

Sorry for your loss.

xxoo

thanks so much Turkish Delight

am feeling alot better now then the other day, so thats a good sign

M2C,
I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you and your DH, and DD... I was heartbroken for you all when I read your news, I'm so sorry....
huge hugs,

Nic

thanks so much nic, your a sweetie

dd asked me today if we are going to " put another baby in the belly"
and i couldnt answer her! i really dont know if i want to try again
i have been doing this in total of 10 yrs, in them 10yrs i have had 4 pregnancies and got 1 child from them and i feel totally blessed that i have her. BUT i feel tired and i know that my experience is no where near as tough as some, but i just dont know what i want to do. when i lost my first 2 babies ( 8yrs ago) i knew straight away that i wanted to keep trying no matter what, but it took me nearly 7 yrs to just fall pregnant this time round and then to lose bubba at 9 wks, i have never lost a baby that far into a pregnancy.

maybe in time i will know what i want to do

[QUOTE=mummy2chloe;1613406] " it was just a miscarriage, wasnt like it was born or anything"
Ohhh, I am gobsmacked somebody, let alone family would say something like that. Truly, when you have experienced a loss, you don't need comments like that. It was a baby - your baby! I just don't get it..... I'm sorry to say this but most people who haven't experienced a loss don't understand........
I truly am sorry for what you are going through. It is a difficult, confusing, sorrowsome, self-indulgent (so it should be), consuming time .
In relation to trying to carry on your normal, everyday life.... I couldn't for ages. I couldn't even go to the shopping centre in fear of bumping into children/pg people.... take each day as it comes. If you can't get out of bed - then don't. Do what you need to do to cope.
Big hugs and all the best to you and your family. I am sure Bubba g will meet many of our angels to play with......