A little bit nervous

Ok - I am not sure if this thread belongs here, but I am not sure where else to put it.
I had my son first thing in the morning, meaning that I had little to no sleep the night before. It was quite an easy birth, and I had no complications in that department afterwards either. So the actual birth is not what I am worried about.

DH and I had a couple of hours with our little boy, then the tirade (sp) of visitors began. First my mum and MIL. (Which was fine - 2 people I could handle) but then for the next 4 or 5 hours it was just 1 person after another, after another. DH tried his best. He took DS out into the day room, so to give me a rest, but I was just so exhausted from everything I really didn't want to see anyone. my family and DH's family apparently then went out to dinner, and then all came back at 9pm, to say good. - Nice gesture I suppose, but I was overwhelmed. I had 11 people in my room, and I just wanted to go to sleep!
My family seemed to understand, and left, they also said that they wouldn't come back in as they understood I was tired, but DH's family has no idea. They came the following night also. Then when I went home, they would just come over any time they felt like. it would be nice if they came over to help, but they didn't. They would come over (Usually when DS had just gone to sleep, and I too was trying to get some rest) Wait till he woke up, have a play with him, then when he started to get cranky go home for me to deal with the baby.

Do you think that it is rude for me to deny family visitation when this baby is born? I just don't want to end up how I was last time, a mental wreck who ended up in a MBU. (although this was not the cause of it, it was a contributing factor - DH also broke his neck when DS was 4 weeks old and ended up in a traction brace for 3 months!!)

I also think DH's family will get pi$$ed, as I would really want my parents and 2 sisters there, but not really his family. is that rude and ungrateful?

As far as friends go, I am going to as DH to send out a SMS when the bub is born, with all the birth stats , and nicely saying "Please no visitors for now."

I dunno - i sorta feel rude for not wanting people to come, but I just didn't cope with it last time.

I totally get where you are coming from. We made a decision that we didn't want visitors until 24 hours after DS was born. Our Doula actually suggested it because it is such a special and important time for us to get to know our little man. Our family were great, totally understood and respected the decision.

I can understand some people getting upset if you allow your family and not DH's but really it is a decision for you.

Don't forget, you can also get the midwifes to let people know that you aren't up for visitors if people do show up unannounced.

HTH
Spring xx

:hug: aw hun sorry you had such a hard time last time.
Dont feel bad at all for not wanting certain people around after the birth - this is one time that it is totally ok to just think about yourself and your new baby! You are definately not rude, and if your DH's family get offended then dont worry, they will get over it.
:)

Oh I TOTALLY understand. DD came on Boxing Day, so we had oodles of relatives around for days!!!!

I also understand wanting your family around but not DH. Its a special time, and those first few days are fragile and intimate, and you only really want people there you can totally open up to. There is NO energy for visitors.

I know a couple who said no visitors for a week! While I couldn't do that, I think its fair to say no one for two or three days and then, only short visits.

Next time I think I will be more strict too...its SO hard to say no though isn't it?

Megie- Not selfish or rude at all. It is a really important time for you and your family.

We didn't tell friends about DD's birth until the next day so we could have some rest and bonding time. We told my family that day but asked them not to come in until the next day as we were all exhausted. Fortunately my IL's live a plane flight away so they weren't there for a day or two. They did however outstay their welcome once they were there. I didn't feel comfortable asking them to leave so i had a word to DH and he did. He just said something along the lines of "A is really tired, lets go and let them have a rest" Always better coming from their son than their DIL.

Another excellent thing at the hossy i went to was, that they would never have let 11 people into my room at 9pm. :o Having a word to the nurses can also be good, because then they become the baddies not you. ;) If the nurses knew i was tired and people were hanging around, they would pop in and say, "ok, rest time, time for visitors to go." It was great.

It's all about you and your family, not the visitors, i think it is entirely reasonable to restrict visitors.

We too had endless amounts of visitors after Nina was born. But when Emily was born, they wanted us to all bond as a family, and for Nina to get used to having a baby sister, so every one kept their distance. It was great. Maybe just let them know them know that you want J to have some bonding time with you, hubby and the baby before visitors come. They shouldn't be offended with that.

we let everyone come and visit while we were in hospital, and than when we got home we had a 2wk ban from any visitors, if we wanted to see ppl than we went to go see them, however we didnt we stayed at home for the 2wks trying get use to everything and spent some quality time alone with our new bubba getting to know her!
we also took the phone off the hook when we didnt want calls!
Everyone was fine with that!

ahh the dredded over bearing visitors...


Hun when i had Millana i made it known to everyone they were not to come in til they were gieven the ok.. told them it could be a couple of hrs or even a day or two til i was ready..

one rule i made sure people knew was that NO ONE was to meet Millana before she had been introduced to Teleah and Annika. I felt it was so important that they got to meet there new sister first.

so its def not rude so say look, no visitors till i ask.. def speak to the nurses on at the hospital.. i ended having to DOB on my roommates family because there was like 12 or so at a time!! and that was during rest hrs when there wasnt meant to be any visitors.... they werent please but who cares.. the midwifes gave them all a good talking to about respect for other patients LOL so they will back you up 100%..

We actually had a big discussion about this very topic in one of our antenatal classes. I know I haven't actually had my first yet but based on the discussion in the class, I'm going to be very careful about visitors.

The MW said exactly what some of the PPs have said - that the MWs/nurses can be your watch dogs and they are more than happy to kick people out/restrict visitors. Their care is for you, bubs and DH, not the visitors. So if you want quiet time, you can tell the MWs not to let any visitors in. The MWs tell your visitors "X had a really bad night last night and is resting, please come back in an hour/a day/whatever". They don't care who they offend!

I think it can be such an exciting time for everyone, people forget how stressful it can be for mums and bubs.

Also, with regards to home, if people ring and ask to visit, be honest if you don't want them to come around. Or say something like "Sure you can pop around, but we don't have any milk or food in the house, can you please pick up some lunch/afternoon tea?" Or when they get there, ask them to help - ask them to make teas and coffees or lunch or whatever, or ask if they'd mind throwing on a load of washing or giving the kitchen a clean.

Families especially should be there to help - not sponge off you and expect you to be running around after them when you have just given birth!

I don't think it is rude at all hun about DH's family. My mum and sister have already announced they will be there to cook and clean for us when we want, which I am completely comfortable with, but if DH's family were there I dunno, it'd be a different story!

You've been given great advice here already! Of course, you have to cope with the fallout too, grumpy inlaws who are feeling a bit thwarted. So if you can, I'd flag ahead of time that you really struggled with visitors last time and are going to be a bit more firm about things this time.

My dh and I have been dealing with this issue not so much with visitors in hospital but my inlaws wanting to come and stay with us when the baby is born. I just don't want to share that time with other people in the house. We're telling the inlaws tomorrow that after their visit tomorrow, we won't be having house guests come to stay until the baby is at least six weeks old.

dont feel bad- i would just ask teh midwives to ask them to go

we had nooooooooooo visitors other than MIL and FIL and my family. i didn't care who i p****d off. my family my rules!!
yeah they might get upset but you'lll be a better more relaxed person.

I think your DH needs to take charge with his family and say that he is doing the visitation roster and they must contact him first to get approval to visit and he will give them times and days. He can have a list of chores/errands etc to delegate to anyone who wants to visit at home ie. ok, you can come at 3pm on Friday and can you pick up a quiche for dinner on your way?

I also second the phone off the hook but also a note on the front doot or gate that says "Mother and Baby resting. Do Not Disturb". I got no interruptions when I put that one on our front door.

It is 100% upto you how you handle this!

If I was in your position I would ask everyone to give you and DH the first 24hrs just you and bubs and then let ppl come to see you orr even ask them to wait until you are home and settled in!

Thanks everyone for your words of advice.
I was thinking of sending out an email to the fam soon, saying that we want the first 24 hours to ourselves, then if you come in the next day, please keep visits brief and before 6pm.
What do you think?

I think that is a great idea!
and your family should definatly understand!
popping out a baby is no easy feat - and with bub number 2 you are going to need all the rest you can get!!!!
You can also let the midwives know that you dont want to many visitors and you dont want them there for long also! they are usually pretty good with that!
I had a big massive influx of visitors one afternoon after i had just managed to get Bianca settled with the help of a couple of midvives and when they all arrived i didnt want to tell them they couldnt pick her up for a cuddle - so the midwife did it for me! she was great - she looked like the meanie not me! :D but it worked no one picked her up and all were very quiet and didnt stay long!
Let us know how u go with the email! but dont worry too much - all will be fine!

How does something liek this sound??



I don't want this to come across rude, so please don't take it the wrong way.
After having James last time, I was just exhausted having him in the morning, and then having visitor after visitor all day.
So this time around I am asking that we please don't have visitors for the first day (Except James of course!!)
Then when you do come in, if you can please keep visits fairly short and before 6pm in the evening. i was just way too tired last time, and i don't want to come home exhausted again.
Sorry to sound mean, but I am going to be selfish and think about myself!!!

Its Perfect!
Straight to the point!

and u dont sound mean and your not being selfish so dont think that!!!

Hun, it's completely your decision! The time that you spend with your new bub and family is the MOST important thing- everyone else can wait!

Also, you shouldn't need to justify your reasons. But if you feel that you do, then your e mail is good. The midwifes at your hospital should also back you up 100%. Get them to come in and kick visitors out after 10 minutes or whatever you feel is reasonable.

It's up to YOU what you want to do and who you want to see. And if people do kick up a stink, then they are only thinking of themselves ;)

Inform the nurses not to let anyone near your room without asking YOU first. Dont be afraid to disappoint people by politely declining any visits you dont want. And if they come round after you get out of hospital, keep the screen door locked so when they knock and your not wanting visitors, just open the door and say "Thanks for stopping by but you should have called. Nows not a good time for a visit but if you call me tomorrow we can organise a time. Thanks!"

Totally not unreasonable or selfish or ungrateful. I went through the exact same thing after a 23 hour labour but being awake for almost 48 hours. At one stage I had 15 people in my room and the nurse actually asked some people to leave (good on her !!!). I mouthed "thank you" to her.

My parents live three streets away but they never drop in unless calling first (after years of training them) but IL's live in the next suburb so they often drop in unannounced whenever they feel like it. I have a good relationship with them so I just told them that if they dont call first when this baby comes along, I wont be opening the door so they should save their petrol (they are misers) and call first. I'm hoping this works.

In the SMS this time, DH will just give all the stats and simply say "Will let you know when we are ready for visitors as Mum and Bub are resting". We learned our lesson the first time around .....

P.S. This might be a good topic to bring up in our Belly Buddies as this is something some first time mothers might not have thought of. I know I didnt.

True DD, Whoever out of us is next in there should mention it.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I have sent out an email. So far DH's family haven't commented, but a few friends and my family have replied saying that they totally understand.

As I now live about an hour out of Melb, this time around I doubt that we will ahve drop ins here without a call first. We lived 8 mins from Melb at my old house. I will let DH's fam know if the phone is off the hook, it means no visits. They MUST call first.

Email sounds perfect!! Infact I may even borrow it for my second.:D My MIL, was horrendous!!(she usually is but this was the cream on the cupcake):rolleyes: I had a pretty awful birth with my DS and when she arrived the following day (he was born close to midnight) DH asked for 1/2 an hour even as DS and I had just fallen asleep and she went off her head and didn't speak to us for months after. I think for next time round if the expectations have already been set even before bubs arrives then no-one can get upset or expect any different, good on you for being so tactful. Babies bring out the best and worst in people. Good luck hope this birth goes as well as the first.:)

Meg - do u feel better about it all now that u finally got the email out there?

I do actually. A few friends have said to me that they think that I have done the right thing, but DH's family have not commented. I think that they feel they are immune and they will jsut show up anyway. DH is going to speak to them and make sure they realise it applies to them too.

Hahahaha typical inlaws hey!!!!

Now that u have done it, just relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! not long to go now!!!!