DP Doesnt want me to have a Doula....

But I would really like one.
He panicks in situations (unusual for an Ambos son) and I know he is going to panic when I go into labour and birth the baby.
I would like my chosen Doula there to support both me and my DP.
He isnt too keen on having someone else in the room when Im in the state I am.

I can understand his point of view, but I would feel more relaxed and happy if I had my Doula there. I asked him if he would be able to make rational decisions if I couldnt and he said he could. I also asked him how would he feel when the midwives try and push me into a c/section or something I didnt want to do, and he said he would stand up for me.

Am I being too unreasonable in wanting a Doula? He is adament he doesnt want one in there.

Hi Bridg,
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! In fact I think its a great idea and will think about one for my next birth as DH kinda dropped the ball, he got no sleep and was "tired" poor thing! :rolleyes: He was not really supportive enough in the way that I needed/wanted him to be, he seemed kinda @$%*scared, too. Has your partner considered that the doula will be there to take the heat off him when he needs to go and have a break/eat etc. Labours are long and tough and I think having a second person to help support you will be great, and as for seeing you "in a state" ummm, thats what doulas are for!! They have also been there and done that. Also if you are really trying for a natural birth in a hossy I think its good to have an advocate, especially if you think DP will stress out. Maybe talk to him some more? could you possibly even arrange a meeting with proposed doula to help him feel more comfortable with the idea? Good luck! :)

Bridg, its not unusual that anyone trained in the medical model is 'panicky' about birth and things that can go wrong, its how we got in this mess in the first place!!!

The Birth Options classes are starting soon for 2009, in which will talk about support and the importance of trained support and loads of other great facts and statistics which often appeal to dads. Do you think you could come to Melbourne for one Sunday? I think it'd work ;)

YOu know what
DH thought it was totally wierd as well.

Then i said i will invite Her around to have a coffee so they can meet and she can explain her role etc - from then He thought they were a fabbo idea!!!

Perhaps you can ask him to just have a meeting and an open mind - even if you both decided afterwards not to iykwim

I agree - get them to meet and he might think differently.

Another way of putting it could be 'alright darling, when YOU give birth, you can choose who you want to support you'. ;)

After my first birth I decided I was definitely having a Doula second time around. While DP was great managing my head space he had no idea what to suggest etc when things were not going as planned. If I had a doula with me then things might have been different.

Needless to say when I suggested a doula for the above reasons this time he was fine with it. I think it's the fact that they have seen many many births and DP has seen 1. The experience is a big factor in that the doula actually knows more than he does.

Thanks for all ur replies ladies. An old friend of mine had this said Doula and she said she couldnt have been more helpful. I have tried explaining everything to him about her role. I met with her one morning, and she went through some stuff. DP came home for lunch and she was still here so he got to meet her. I just feel I need someone there that will stay cool, calm, and collected.

BellyBelly- Id love to be able to come to Melbourne for the session but unfortunately things are a little tight here, and Id have to bring the kids and DP.

I will try and have a chat to him more about it tonight. Im starting to worry as time goes on, that I wont be able to handle this birth without the support of someone else as well as him.

Bridget, did you get that bit of info I sent you via email?

What DP needs to understand is that doulas don't take the role of your partner, and he would be amazed at how well he would get to know this doula ;) before the birth.

I think you really need to get him to understand that your birth is not a textbook birth. Women attempting VBAC are treated differently and he will need to be prepared for this.

Good luck, and let me know if I can help you futher. Maybe I could come for a visit when he is home :) (when I am feeling a little better :sick:)

xx

I really saw a different side to my partner when I was in labour. For everything we talked about, things I wanted her to do for me and the decisions I wanted her to make for me if I couldn't make them myself she was... well quite honestly... useless. She was becoming a parent as well though, you know, so its not like it wasn't understandable. She'd never seen a woman in labour except for on TV, and of course it was ME in labour she just went into panic panic panic 'fix it' mode.

If you KNOW that you're partner isn't going to be the very very very best support person that you need, have a doula. As far as I'm concerned I'm having a doula no question next time and if Shel says no then quite honestly she can go jump, its her problem and she can deal with it because I'm having one end of story.

Maybe you could say "oh the doula can help you support me because she's been through it so she'll be able to tell you what I need, so you don't feel helpless and out of control". Which is how I've said it to Shel. She's still warming to it, but then she's still warming to the home VBAC idea too so ;) one thing at a time LOL.

Just remember. YOU are the one who has to live with the possible 'what ifs' later on if you don't get a doula and things don't go to plan.

Just wondering whether it is possible to have a private Doula if the birth is in a private hospital with an OB.

You can have a doula anytime hun, just be aware that they aren't considered 'medical' so they won't be able to 'catch' bub or anything like that. But as far as I know they are considered a support person so no reason why you couldn't have one there.

Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

Hun, I don't know if my opinion is going to be very helpful, but here it is:
Yes, this is his baby, too. But ultimately, you are the one who has to birth it and you get to choose who is there to support you. If he pushes the baby out, he gets to choose.
You know what, it is actually perfectly acceptable to kick DH out of the room if he is distracting you instead of helping you. Most of us wouldn't want to do that, but it might be necessary for some people sometimes.

My DH wanted me to get private health cover before falling pregnant and then get an OB. He was all for c/s and pain relief. Well, I'm sorry, it wasn't his decision. I told him how I was going to do things (public birth centre) and I told him why. It took him a while to understand, but since meeting my MW for the first time, he changed his mind completely. And the birth went so well. He's now one of he biggest advocates of the birth centre and the MW based care. And he's genuinely happy that we're going down that path again. Sometimes it just actually takes them to see the benefit to get it.

Why is your DH so against a doula? Is he afraid she'll stop you from getting necessary interventions? Is he afraid she'll make him feel useless? You know, you've gotta tell him that during a hospital birth there might be quite a few people in the room. There might be a couple of midwives, an OB, an anaesthetist, oh, and the baby at the end of it... It's not going to be just you and him the whole time.

Stand up for yourself. You need to do whatever it takes to set yourself up for the birth you want. Women have traditionally been there to support other women during birth. A doula knows what she's doing much better than he does. Maybe she's even had a baby herself. Your DH can be there to help you on an emotional level, be your rock, make sure you drink, while she's there to help you in a more physical way.

Alternatively you could give him 2 options and hope he chooses option 2:
1) Do a course on how to be an effective labour supporter, watch birth videos to desensitise him and do his research, know the facts on interventions so that he can actually make informed decisions on your behalf. You might not be able to tell him what it is you want (I couldn't talk through some of my labour), so he can't just "back you up" he needs to know in advance what decision you would make in any situation and be able to speak for you.

2) hire a doula to take over this role so that he has time to support you emotionally and just enjoy the amazing ride that becoming a father is, without the pressure of being somewhat responsible for the outcome.

All the best, darl!
Saša

HI Bridg

In the beginning my DH didn't 'get' what a doula was there for but was quite happy to have her there, I think probably to take the heat off him.....but afterwards he couldn't praise our doula highly enough, and said we would definitley have her for the next baby if we did have another one and thought having a doula was the best thing ever!!! Like the other girls have said if your DP meets your doula and starts to understand her role it should help in him coming around to the idea.

Good luck :)
Laurin

Tanya- Yes I did get the info. Thanks. I tried explaining to him that I am more likely to end up having a c/section if I dont have a doula.

Leasha- Thats what Im worried about that he wont be able to make the decsions for me, as I know he will be too worried about how Im coping.

Sunshine_sieben- I do understand that this is his baby too, and thats why I would like it to go as smoothly and calmly as possible, so that he is not stressed out, and I feel having a doula will also help him too.

We talked about the whole doula thing last night, and he said he was quite happy for my mum to be there to do all the running around part so he could concentrate on me. Then that means that his Dad will have to look after the boys, because my mum will be in with us. I also think that a doula will help keep me calm, because I am scared out of my undies about the whole labour and birth thing.

Hun you need to do what is going to make you feel most comfortable. Honestly, after the birth I bet he won't even remember why he didnt want a doula. He'll have his little baby in his arms and he'll have seen how much of a support the doula was... go for it. Honestly. Don't do something you'll regret. I'm possibley just projecting my own disappointment here but I wanted a doula, Shel said no, long story short everything went to **** and I had an emerg. c/s. And sometimes I feel so angry and resentful at Shel because she was so sure she'd be ok, and then she wasn't and I keep thinking "if only you'd have let me have a doula..." and you REALLY don't want to be in that boat hun because its the stuff that can kill relationships.

Bridg, Mum's can be great a births, but I can assure you if things don't go to plan, she will be behaving a lot like him and agreeing to whatever the medical staff say. I know this is your and DP's choice, but it seems like your DP just doesn't understand what doula does.

We are trained to understand what the staff are talking about, we know what the alternatives are to interventions and when and if those interventions are necessary. We also encourage fewer interventions which will ensure a better birth experience for YOU... because in the long run you are the one who will have theo whole experience imprinted in your mind.

Good luck sweets :)

Bridg, as I said, this is not really his decision to make. I totally agree that it will help him, too.

Having your mum at the birth can be wonderful. My mum was there when DD was born. But from a support point of view, she would have been useless. Although she herself had 2 vaginal births (1 completely natural, the other one induced), she was totally out of her depth when it came to her own daughter in labour. She was along for the ride, and I loved having her there. But more because it was nice to be surrounded by people who care about me and the baby and to share this experience with them. Same with DH, he was there to witness the process, he gave me to drink but didn't really do a whole lot more than that. Well, neither did my midwife, but that's because I didn't want anything done. I mainly wanted to be left alone.

Don't let him talk you out of a doula if you feel you would be happier and calmer having one. I didn't have one, as I had my own midwife and I was in a birth centre so felt that my choices were supported there anyway. But from what I read, you'll be going for a VBaC. I do really believe that you'll have a much better chance at getting the birth you want by having a doula.

Let's face it, your DH and your mum will not be able to make rational decisions when it's crunch time. All they will see is that the most important person in their lives might be in pain or even danger. They will not be able to be objective and they don't have the knowledge to make an informed decision if things don't go quite to plan.

Befor DD was born, DH was really quite arrogant about the whole situation. I would have liked him to do a ha;f day session about how to be an effective birth support. So that he might learn some massage tricks if I have back labour or stuff like that. He said: "What, you don't think I know how to help my own wife?" Yeah right, he was completely useless in that respect. I loved having him there, and I didn't want anyone touching me anyway, but he was no HELP to me whatsoever. he said so himself afterwards.

So, go get yourself a doula. As I said, if he was the one doing the work, he could make this decision. But since it's you who has to birth this bubba, you need to get yourself the help you need and want.

Saša

Hi there!

I do have some great info on "Dads and Doula's" on my computer at home but I'm away from home at the moment.

However I did manage to find something on Doula's of North America website about it.

Dads and Doula's

If you do a Google search you will find heaps of info.

My experiences with dads have been pretty good so far. I guess the main thing to re-iterate to them is that in no way are you taking their role during the birth. Dad and I are a team. If a dad wants to be very involved with the birth, which your DH sounds like he does, I let them know that I am there to help THEM help mum and unless mum directly asks for me, I take the "backseat".

Like the others have said, it really takes a meeting of some sort for them to fully appreciate the value of our support.

Good luck and I hope DH comes around soon!

As much as I am a huge fan of dads at births, I am also a huge fan of Doula's! But I also may be bias ;)

Nes - You can find a Doula in your area by searching either the Find a Doula website. Or on the Doula Register website. Those should have some Doula's in your area.

What area of Brisbane are you in?

I am moving down to Brisbane from Townsville in the next week or so to do my Bachelor of Midwifery at Aust. Catholic Uni. Depending on when you were due, I am interested in taking on a few clients here and there. Feel free to PM if you'd like to talk more.

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Hi Bridg,
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! In fact I think its a great idea and will think about one for my next birth as DH kinda dropped the ball, he got no sleep and was "tired" poor thing! :rolleyes:

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LOL!! Ditto!!

I'm quite surprised he doesn't want you to have a doula actually, DDs father told me he would've loved to have one during my labour to take some of the pressure off him; aparently I was asking for lower back massages constantly and he was getting exhausted, poor dear :lol:

I agree that it's YOUR decision. If you can turn him around on it, then great but if you can't, agree to disagree . . . and hire the doula. He's not the one who is going to give birth so it's not his decision. Certainly this is a very profound experience for him emotionally but it is for you (I would say moreso) as well as physically.

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Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

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I would like to recommend Liz Leys, she is my doula this time around, quite simply an amazing woman, I cannot rave about her enough actually... :)

Her number is 0422703509 (net listed phone number)

whoops.

Hi Hun!

I'm a doula and I also have a husband who doesn't want a doula lol! I think it is very harder to make decisions on things like this first time around when it's all unknown. I became a doula after my 1st pregnancy/labour and I know at the time I didn't know much about doulas but wouldn't have wanted one...obviously I see things differently now!

I think it is important to understand that there will be other people in the room other than you and dh, midwives possibly obs etc etc and I think it is an advantage to have someone there who has seen it before, they are a professional who knows a lot about birth, they know what you want, you've had time to get to know you and for you to feel comfortable with them and they can suggest different options for natural pain relief, positions etc that can often fly straight out of your head at the time

I think sometimes husbands feel that a doula is basically there replacement because their partner thinks they won't be able to do the job properly. I know personally that I feel labour and birth is such an amazing important experience for a couple and I certainly don't want to take away, I want to improve the dad's experience.

There is more than enough work for 2 and the thing is with labour and birth that a man's natural reaction to seeing his wife in pain is to try to protect and that might mean he finds it hard to help u stick to your birth plan if you are aiming to labour without drugs. Guys just find it hard to get past the natural urge to protect to realise that the pain is good pain and it leads to a baby iykwim.

A lot of labouring women like massage and VERY hard I find this is one thing I often help dads get during labour and then leave them to it, It's just about empowering and helping both of you.

I think if it smething you feel strongly about then it is important for you to really have a good chat about it and I would also suggest meeting with some doulas and being really open and honest and get your dh to ask everything he is worried about and see how it works. I always make it clear to my clients who feel like this that if at ANYTIME they want to be alone during the labour than just say the words and I can pop out to give them that time and really our job is to cater for the individual so be as hands on hands off as wanted so it can be very much worked out so that your dh feels very confident. In my experience men feel very comforted when the time comes to have someone there for them too and someone to kind of bounce off and just let them know they're doing the right thing

I'm thinking that I might want an extra support person in there too, but DH is very much "I don't want anyone in there - this is an experience for you and me." While I understand his point, I'm finding it hard to explain why I think an extra support person (who is a professional -- it's not like it's a family member, which I understand he's uncomfortable with) is a good idea. Maybe we can talk to/meet with one and see how he feels after that. We have some time to think about it, but it's been on my mind a bit recently.

No way girl stand up for your rights!!!! if it would help you, you need it. This is on eof the toughest most rewarding things you can do and you need to grab as much support from whatever sources you feel the most comfortable with. Sell it to him!!!!! Tell him that it would mean if he is needing a break that you will have a much needed support person, what if he needs to step out for a breather, a loo stop, to chuck or pass out, food a good cry??????Some one who is experienced who will no what is happening is invaluable a will help keep you focused, partners are great but are often to emotionally involved when it comes down to the nitty gritty. Maybe you could suggest a trial and if it does'nt work out the doula will leave you and him to it, once it's happening he won't want her to leave!!!!!
Last but not least, you could always cry and beg him to let you have one....tears and preggy women work wonders lol.

Just explain to him that having a doula will mean that he can actually enjoy the moment, come along for the ride, rather than having the responsibility all the time to do things you need him to do.
As I have mentioned before, I personally would not really ask him. If I'm the one who has to do the work, then I do it my way. By all means, explain to him why you would like her there. It is much easier if he is on board with the idea when the time comes. But do not give away your power of birthing the way you want to birth. Yes, he is the father, but let's face it, what would he know about what YOU might need when you're in labour. Hey, you don't even know what you will need until you're in the situation.
I thought I might need massages, hot packs, people helping me to be in various positions. But when I was actually in labour, the only thing I needed was someone offering me a drink every now and then and to leave me alone most of the time.

I hope I don't come across patronising. I don't mean to be. I just want to let you know that it is alright to insist on these things. If you back down on this and things end up not going to plan, you might hold resentment and blame his resistance to a doula for the rest of your life.

Sasa
xx

Well ladies, we have made some improvement on the doula front. I just havent been in here to update sorry. He agreed to having one, but today thought he may like to have an independant midwife instead. He is still tossing up on the idea. I think his main concern is my and bubbas health.

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Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

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Yep call me on 32871209 And I will give you the names and #'s of a couple I found.

Wow Bridg!! That would be amazing if you decided to employ a IM (even if you don't employ a doula ;) )... what a fantastic turn around by DP... I hope you are prasing him :)

Bridg, that is great news! I'm so happy your DH got on board. All the best with your decision. But I think no matter if you end up getting a doula or an IMW, you will be in great hands.

Sasa

The reason DH thought about the IMW was because the OB said they advise me on coming in as soon as labour starts. I have been reading some stories, and alot of VBAC mums can stay at home longer as the IMW can do feotal monitoring and also do internals. DH's Dad will also be on hand if things go wrong. (He's a retired paramedic).

Ok, so now we have made even more progress.

DH has said I can have my Doula, so I have hired the most beautiful caring Doula. Im actually starting to relax about labour because I know I will have DH and her with me.

:dance: :dance: :dance:

YAY!!! All the best for a beautiful, empowering VBaC!
Sasa