Michael John

Who would have ever thought I would have to name a baby that I would never get to hold, feed, hear his cry, or even his first breaths? I was 17 weeks and 6 days when he was born. I went in for a routine visit and the doctor could not get a heartbeat. She tried three different machines and still no heartbeat. We went to the hospital that afternoon and I was induced and delivered the next day on January 27th. He was so beautiful. So perfect that I could even see his features and tell you who I thought he looked like. He looked like a tiny, sleeping baby. His arms, legs, hands, and feet were all completely formed with 10 teeny tiny fingers and toes. He even had a cute button nose. He looked like his big sister Bethany with his shoulders being slightly broader than his waist and his precious little round belly.

I have a set of natural fraternal twins, both girls, that I carried to 35 weeks with very few complications, no bedrest, etc. (pretty much term for twins), so this was truly a shock for us. I love my little girls, they are such a blessing to us, but that does not make me love this baby any less. I have a sister-in-law that just found out she is pregnant (exactly one week after Michael was born) and I am SO angry that it is not me anymore. I want to be excited for her because I know they really wanted a baby, but I just can't right now. I just can't. I was almost halfway there! I had passed the point where I was nervous about losing him and yet he is gone.

It was excruciating to have to be induced and put through labor and delivery only to see a baby who had already died. I am sorry that I am so angry right now. I know that there are stages of grieving and this is one of them, but I hate it. I don't want to be angry anymore.

It helps me to think about him in the arms of my Granny (my great-grandmother) as she holds him until I get there. I know that she will love him and take care of him just like he were her own.

I know this post is all over the place and I apologize. I have lots of things that I am thinking and feeling today. For some reason, many more than I have felt in the last week-and-a-half.

iv got no words huni...just love and hugs...take care of yourself huni.
r.i.p michael john.
love rach xxxx

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little angel. I am also so glad that you have found BB, you will find so much comfort and support here as I did. I too gave birth to my sleeping baby and it is something I wish nobody had to go through. Your emotions will be all over the place, be kind to yourself, grieve in any way you feel you have to. I will be here for you as will the other girls.

Regards,
Dianne

I read your post, my eyes filled with tears and so many words went through my head that I wanted to say to you. I didn't feel that any of them were worthy or would do justice to your pain. I don't want to leave a message that just looks like sympathy in passing, so I moved on. But I kept thinking of you.

So I have come back to put something down here. I still don't know what to say to you, but I hope it helps you to know that there are people like me out there who have you in their thoughts. Although I don't know you, I feel so very sad for what you had to go through with your little boy. Your description of him was so beautiful.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I am so sorry for your loss. Wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.
You will find lots of support here. Please take care xxx

DS- 16/07/06
:angel: M/C #1- 28/09/08 @ 7 weeks
:angel: M/C #2- 04/02/09 @ 9 weeks 6 days

My heart just bleeds for you hun. Reading your story is like telling my own. I lost my little son at 20 weeks in October last year. I just stopped worrying that something might go wrong with my pregnancy, and started to enjoy it, when he was taken away from me so quickly and suddenly. He was so perfect too, I couldn't stop looking at him. I wished the whole time that he could just open his eyes and look at his mummy. I don't blame you for being angry about your SIL being pregnant, I just couldn't look at anyone who was pregnant after I lost my son, and feared for a long time after, that someone in my family or close girfriends would get pregnant. I just couldn't have been happy for them when I was hurting so bad.
Yet, with time, and all the love and support around me, my suffering became a little bit less and less. Grieve, cry, be angry, you will feel all these emotions and more. But it's what us mothers who have lost our babies go through, it's a cruel blow and it just isn't fair.
Take care of yourself and your precious family, your suffering will ease, but you'll never forget and stop loving your precious son, Michael John, RIP precious little angel.

i'm terribly sorry you are going through this it is so unfair my heart goes out to you and your family and wanted you to know that i am thinking of you :hug:
RIP precious Michael John

My thoughts are with you too
I have had 2 sleeping babes and I have never forgotton but it has got a little easier. Be kind to your heart let it grieve and remind people about your beautiful boy as he is a huge part of your life.

My thoughts are with you. So sorry you had to go through that.

Hugs to you,

You will never forget Michael John but it will get easier for you.

RIP little man

i'm sending you lots of hugs and love.
I don't have to words to make it eaiser but know we are all here if you want to vent, talk, cry/type. We are all here to listen.

xxxx

Oh twinsanity ~ I was so saddened to read your post about your precious son Michael. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. I didn't find BB until after our m/c either, and you will find such supportive caring people here. Feel free to share whatever is on your mind ~ even if it doesn't seem to make sense. You'll always find an empathetic ear here.
I so wish you didn't have to find a place to share your feelings about such a tragic loss. My thoughts are will you.
M

Aww Sweety,
I am so, so sorry for your late loss.
The pain you must be feeling would be excruciating - hang in there :(
I can't say I've experienced what you have but I am only imagine what you're going through :hug:
I'm sure your great grandmother is taking great care of your darling Michael.
Take care of yourself hun :hug:
Love,
Allyce.
xx

i am so sorry sweetheart

i wish i could take your pain and anger away

rest in peace little michael

if you need to talk or anything like that you know that we will be here for you darl

I am so sorry for your loss, you will hurt and be angry for as long as it takes. Please use BB as your support network! we are all here for you

Im so sorry for the loss of your precious Michael John.
I gave birth to my Madison at 19weeks and your right , she was perfect, everything where it should have been but just smaller. Some people may not know how to express themselves to you and sometimes it may come across as rude or insensitive but surrounding yourself with loving family and friends who understand your great loss will help . Dont let anyone tell you when its time to move on. Grieve for as long as you feel is nessessary.
At the moment things are still raw for you and you may not believe me but you will eventually see a brighter day. It just takes a little time.
Please take care :comfort:

I'm so sorry.
I hope you find some peace and comfort here with us :grouphug:

I looked back at my first post and it makes me sad that I was so angry that day. I had looked at this website and almost joined for about a week and had such a beautiful picture in my mind of the day that I delivered that I wanted to share it, but just couldn't put it into words the day that I posted. God is so amazing. I actually delivered everything at once and we got the rare opportunity to see exactly how protected and comfortable a baby lives while inside it's mommy. We were able to see Michael through the sac that he was sleeping in, and then the strength of the two layers of the sac when it was torn open by the nurse. That in itself was beyond what I could fathom. The sac was almost transparent and looked like you could touch it and it would break. To watch the nurse struggle to open it was more than I can describe. We also got to see him in the water that was protecting him, and his connection to my life with the umbilical cord that connected to the placenta. Seems morbid when it is typed out, but looking at it was so gorgeous and indescribable in any words that I can think of.

Right now I seem to be going through almost every emotion at any given time. I am angry, sad, hurt, jealous, but most of all I feel a little bit of happiness that I got the opportunity to see him and know that he was perfect and that God is protecting him now. I know that someday the emotions will fade and I will be able to move on, but right now... I can't imagine a day without thinking of him and hurting because I miss him so much already. I am not sure that I am ready to move on any time soon because I would feel bad for not missing him so much!

Thank you all for your replies, I can't even imagine this happening more than one time and the strength that it would take to endure that. I have been thinking about all of you as well and about how God is going to use our sadness and our stories to bless us and others (quite possibly others that we have never met). Your stories and your ability to understand what I am going through has already blessed me. Thank you.

Im so sorry to hear of your loss :hug:

I lost a little girl at 18 wks, delivered her at almost 20 wks. It is heartbreaking to realise your baby has passed. It made me realise that there is no "safe" point in pregnancy.

Allow yourself to grieve, its very important.

If you need to talk, feel free to pm me :hug:

Oh hun, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story with me. You have truly touched my heart with your sorrow and the incredible love you have for you son. No one could love Michael John as much as you do, the beautiful and graceful memory of his bitrth will be forever in your heart.

God bless your little angel, may he always be in his care.

Beata xxx

Hi Twinsanity,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, there are just no words to describe it. It is important to let yourself grieve and being angry is one of them, but it will pass.

Michael is indeed in heaven and will be waiting for you one day. I pray that God's amazing Grave is with you & your DH.