Triplets! You have got to be kidding me! - Vent

Hi everyone,

This is another mega vent, I seem to be on a role lately. Two days after AF arrived after my stim cycle in Jan, DH told me that my SIL (his sister) was 10 weeks pregnant, after falling the first month trying (they were married in October). While trying to be happy for them, I had a bit of a break down, all the usual things like 'its not fair', 'how could they be so lucky as to fall the first month trying when we have been trying for 4 years' etc etc. I took it really bad. But have been trying to put it from my mind. SIL lives in Canberra, she is lovely really, and I am trying trying to be happy for them and not jealous.

She had a 14 week scan today. She is having triplets! Oh God, WTF. I am in total shock, it is like 100 times worse. It seems she O'd 3 eggs, all fertilised, all implanted, all growing, all ok, first month trying. I feel gutted for DH and me. We can't even have one baby, she is having 3.

I am a bit of a mess at the moment, so jealous, so sad for us, I know I shouldn't take this like a kick in the guts, but what can I do? I know that it really has nothing to do with me, but I feel like God has slapped me in the yet again.

I so need some advice as to how to handle this. I just want my chance, I just want it to be my turn, and with this so in my face, I don't know what to think or how to feel. I will have to call them, and my MIL/FIL to say congratulations, how do I be happy and sincere without breaking down? And I can't vent to DH as he is trying to be happy for his sister, and just doesn't feel the same way.

Where is the justice, where is the fairness? I am already dreading the whole jokes of 'well you can have one of ours'.

How much longer, how do I cope and how do I have hope for us?

Any advice would be a life saviour. :dunno:

Oh hun I do not know what to say.

I am sorry I do not have any wise words but I would like to offer you a hug.

You are in my thoughts and I pray for a blessing of your own.

:hug: Deanne.

I also dont have any advice but couldn't leave this thread with out first giving you some hugs :hug:

I hope someone can come in here and give you the advice your after.

I hope you get your own BFP very soon.

Oh hun :hug:

Do they know you have been TTC for so long? I know when I had to tell my sis that I was UTD and they were trying and had been for a while, it was the hardest thing to tell her. Maybe you can say something about no offers for a triplet to be yours - EVER!

It is normal for you to feel jealous hun. I know I would if I were in your shoes. Make sure you do talk about it hun.

:hug:

Hi BDT,

so sorry hun to hear about this situation - sux big time...the only advice I can give,and sorry if it falls short, but i think the best you can do is not put pressure on yourself to "perform". Don't worry if you aren't jumping for joy for them- that is only natural and you are not super human. If I were you I would do the minimum required ie offer congrat's but don't worry about going above any beyond. Also try and remember that they aren't rubbing your face in it. I had a situation today when someone said to me very innocently "you better hurry up and have children because..." and I did feel like killing them but I also realised they had no idea and so weren't trying to be malicious.

So hope I havent raved on too much but I think the most important thing is that you take time to love, nurture, and be good to yourself.

big hugs :hug:

OMG :hug: :comfort: I really don't know what say :hug:

If it helps, I know that if I were in that situation, I honestly wouldn't care what she thought - I would need time to get my head around it, and come to terms with the unfairness of the situation before I could even think of congratulating/seeing her. I think if you try and push yourself to do something you're not comfortable with yet, you're going to keep the wound raw for longer. Does his family know your TTC?? If so, maybe you're DH could just pass on your congratulations, but mention that its hit you pretty hard, so you'll be laying low for a little while?

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you're doing it for YOU and not for family pressures. At the end of the day, you and DH are the ones who have to live with your decisions, not anyone else :hug:

Big hugs to you :hug:

It's so frustrating trying to be happy when you know you can't be...I've been there before too - not the triplets, but people 'accidently' falling pg around me and first time ivf'ers and iui'ers getting the success that I wasn't at the time. I know it's hard. They all knew I was TTC for while...so they did understand why I wasn't overly excited for them like I should have been. I found I just asked lots of questions - like when due, names, gender, will they find out etc, that way I didn't have time to think about me - I was too busy firing lots of questions at them and listening to their reponses. Then when i left - as soon as I was away from sight, cried my eyes out all the way home.

Could you start the congratulating off by sending a card...that way it could buy you a little more time to deal with the your feelings and have enough questions to last you til you get back in the car ;).

The world just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

I hope you get your BFP soon.

Oh Baby Dreamtime i really feel for you right now. It is just so hard to react to things the way we are "supposed" to react. Of course deep down you are happy for them but it is so normal to feel all of the other things like jealousy and sadness. I don't really know what to suggest as its just a really hard situation but don't beat yourself up over anything that you feel.

That is just too tough. You are entitled to feel everything you are feeling! I found it so much worse when I tried to 'pretend' everything was ok...I could never ring...I would always send a card...tantrum, cry, do whatever you need to do...be kind to yourself...it is such a tough road and people either seem to get it or they don't...no inbetween...I wish there was something I could say but I know there's not...hang in there sweetie...you're doing great under the most difficult of circumstances xxx

:hug:I can understand your sadness and difficulty with this situation,been there - although not with triplets. :hug:

As some of the posts above suggest - could you get your DH to ring on the behalf of both of you. Your post indicated he was dealing with this better so he's probaby the best one to ring. Or, perhaps you could send a card?

Do they know your difficulties in TTC? If so, just let them know somehow that you are happy for them but just need to time to come to terms with your own sadness that comes at these times.

Above all else, you have a right to feel sad, angry, frustrated etc. Your feelings are those many of us LT TTCers have felt and struggled with over time.

As for coping, do what you need to do to get through this. Find someway to treat yourself, maybe some retail therapy, pampering etc, and lean on those you know you can trust for support. Here's another :hug: just for you.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I don't have any wonderful advice, well, none that the girls haven't already shared.

I just want you to know that I know how you feel. 9 (yes 9!!) of my friends are pregnant right now. I feel like I haven't got any girlfriends to hang out with at the moment who don't make me feel like cr@p!

Hugs hugs, you'll get your BFP in 2009.


S X

Hi BDT

Don't really have any advice, just wanted to send you some hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

Sara

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now:hug:

I just wanted to share with you my story, I'm not sure if it will help it is meant to and not rub your face in it even more...

I am the the other woman, the one that falls PG without trouble, my beautiful SIL is the one that has had the losses and the heart ache. I had three bubs and one miscarriage during the time that she was trying to conceive. I am so pleased to be able to say that she now has a lovely DD. It was tough for both of us we live 5min from each other and did lots of family things together she worked hard I am sure at being a great Aunty and I worked hard at not being insensitive to her situation. I guess that what I'm trying to say is that hopefully your SIL and other family members, are sensitive and will be aware of not cracking any jokes and will not rub your face in it. Best wishes for your BFP

Hello lovely ladies,

Thank you so much for your very kind words and your advice. It actually helped me a great deal, and I had DH read this thread also. He said he understands me better, and why I have been reacting the way I have, and that I am not alone in my behavious, if this makes sense.

I guess this is something that I just have to come to terms with and just try to focus on my own efforts TTC, without being selfish, and to think about myself. As I can't keep going on focusing on SIL.

I am searching for some hope for the future and pray it finds me soon. Thank you again.

Big hugs, I relate to just how hard it feels...and just want you to know I am thinking of you xx

aww hun hugs to you. I totally feel for you :(

Just try and remember that they didn't do it to upset you, and it was probably hard for them to tell you assuming they knew you were trying.

Hopefully your BFP isn't too far away :)

BDT - I really feel for you. When I was in the midst of OI and then IVF, my sister fell pregnant pretty much in the first month that they started trying also (although only with 1 baby). I was so happy for her, but so completely devastated for us. It really did feel like God was punishing me. What I ended up doing was sending my sister an email (maybe a bit of a cowards way out, but I knew I would fall to pieces if I tried to tell her in person). In that email I told her how happy I was for her, but that I was having some difficulties with coming to terms with everything due to what we were going through. I told her that I still wanted to know how everything was going, but asked for her to understand if I didn?t react straight away (to things like scan photos, email updates etc). I told her how bad I felt ? almost like I was raining on her parade, but that I needed to take care of my emotional well being. To be honest it took me until she was about 18 weeks along before I was able to feel total happiness for her, without feeling any sadness for us.

You will get to that point also. I wish you all the best.

Janie xxx

You poor thing!! I think that's the worst thing of LTTTC - hearing other people falling pregnant and of course everytime they say 'oh it was an accident' or 'we fell pregnant first time'!!! ARRRRGGHHHH!!!

Hi, as the male component of a couple that's going though IVF (7 cycles already), all I can say is.....VENT !

Every failed cycle breaks my heart, but I know it breaks my wife's heart even more, so even though I can't bare to see her crying, I know its my duty as a husband to support her as much as I can.

This is the same. She might be her sister, but YOU are his WIFE ! and he needs to understand that you need to vent in order to release some of your anxiety.

On the other hand, life is unfair sometimes (I guess if you're reading this forum chances are that you feel life's been unfair to you) but you got to make the most out of it. Comparing your fortune / kids / house / car / health / etc to others will never result in anything positive.

Focus on what you want to achieve and stay positive and forget about everyone else in the planet.

Best wishes for you

cheers

If it helps in the short term while you are feeling so fragile (not that the fragile part gets much easier) then send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them without having to actually speak at this stage. Most importantly, take care of yourself :hug:

oh babydreamtime, it SHOULD be your time! BUT things dont always go the way we want them to which SUCKS!!! i know it doesnt really make you feel any better as it wouldnt me either BUT just think she has 3 times the poo and wee! and i personally think one healthy full term baby is something to strive for more so than 3 most likely premmies, it wasnt her choice but thats usually the case. I actully WOULDNT want triplets, too hard! and i dont think it would be an enjoyable pregnancy, too much worry and strain on the body. Also im thinking of u, i hope this is your year!

Babydreamtime, BIG :hug:

Luckily no-one in my family or close friends have fallen pregnant (they have already had their babies) so I havent had to face the same dilemma however have had lots of people at work fall pregnant including a close work colleague whom only tried for 2 mths and is alot younger than me too. I was absolutely SHATTERED. I then had to endure everyday of her pregnancy in between my 2 operations so that I could get rid of my endo and fix my anatomy to hopefully get pregnant. Even now after she's had her baby, when she's come in with her beautiful daughter, Ive been very distant and I cant bare to hold her in fear of falling apart in front of everyone at work. I

ts so hard and I really feel for you. Its not that we are not happy for them, but its that longingness to have a baby of our own and the feeling of "when will it happen to me"

Like others have suggested, Id get your DH to call her and send your congrats and send her a card with a little note.

Take care of yourself and vent anytime! We're here to listen :D

Tania

i am sending you hugs, hope you being strong. xxoo

Babydreamtime .. big hug to you :hug:

I actually know what you are going through because I went through the same thing! I started trying last year and after two months, my best friend told me she ran out of pills and she fell pregnant. So ... in other words, they didn't even need to "try"!

I cried the whole night that night because even though I haven't tried for long at the time but I felt the world was so unfair!

... at the time I started thinking she is pretty, she doesn't need to go to work, her parents are so rich, they got so many houses and businesses and the worst of all, she didn't even need to try and was pregnant!

I became so bitter and I found it difficult to call and say congrats to her. I did it and she raved on the phone call on how cute the baby is in the ultrasound and how excited she was ... etc etc.

She was overseas and came back to Aus a few days ago and the first thing she did was to call me and asked when I was going to visit her and her baby who is now 3 months old. And obviously, I am still ttc at the moment so i was completely sour.

I visited them and also told her that I have been trying for a while and had no success but clearly for people who never needed to try, they would not understand what I went through and am still going through.

Echo what aramis7 said upstairs, if we start comparing these things, it's an endless game and it's never fair. So what I started telling myself is think positively! I may have been a failure in this respect but I am sure there are other things in my life that is worth me being proud of!

Anyway ... hope you will feel better and will start thinking positively ... in case we start hearing other similar stories around us again, we can't just live a sad life!

Best of luck with your journey and we hope we all walk out of this soon!

Love~~