A 2nd baby scares me to death!

Hi Gals

My DS is now 9 months old. I thought I'd be over the initial 'adjustment' of parenthood and be aching for another bub but TBH the thought of having a second bub scares me. I just don't think I could cope. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had PND and DS still wakes up at night, but I'm not sure. I mean, I love DS sooo much and wouldn't change things for anything but I'm not sure I want another bub, even though I always wanted 2 or 3 kids before.

How long did it take you to want another bub? Or has anyone decided that one is enough??

When I had my first I was working, my son didn't sleep at night and I was just exhausted.. Dh wanted another one when he was 6 months old and I just looked at him like he was completely insane.. When he was 18 months old I decided I felt ready.. In the end we didn't have bub number 2 till Ds1 was over 4. The age gap worked out for us in the end

Your son is only 9 months old.. Things will get better. Enjoy your son and enjoy the time yuou have with just him and if you choose to just have the one then so be it.. Not everyone has to have more then one child.. You do what suits you and your family..

:hug:

heehee.. I'm going through the same thing now - but the jump from 2 to 3!!!

It was after I got pregnant with DD that reality hit and the -omg what have I done started setting in.. lol

Now its like.. uh... well they are both waking up in the night now - instead of just the one!!!

But - I get double the cuddles, and double the giggles...

Mate, I felt exactly the same when DS was that age! I didn't actually think I'd want one sooner than 2.5 years apart, especially after looking into things the way I did for development and wellbeing etc with DS (I am studying psych, so that helped!). There are actually child-protection groups around the world who recommend a 2.5-3 year age gap minimum so that each child gets the optimum amount of attention and emotional care during that intensive developmental period from the parents before a new baby, with all the care and attention that diverts, comes along into a family. Even people who want smaller age gaps will agree that it is taxing to provide all that nurturing for two little ones at the same time whilst both are so dependent. I subscribe to that age gap ideal for my own family for the same reasons - my kids' wellbeing and my own wellbeing. I just know I'd be run too ragged with two kids under 3yo, so I was happy that my body had the same idea (BFing full term has helped me regulate my fertility to a natural cycle, and I know this doesn't 'work' for other women).
Anyway, you will get the questions from family members and strangers about when you're having the next one and you just have to come up with appropriate comments to deflect them - or you could just tell them they're being very nosy and it's none of their business when you plan to have sex to conceive!! I started getting shirty last year and I think everyone's backed off. I find it really rude to ask, or to tell someone they MUST be thinking of a brother or sister for DS soon.
Put it this way - the way you are feeling is NATURAL, and if people make the decision to have anothery really soon after the last, that's up to them (or sometimes not, I know two women who BF on demand and co-slept and fell within months! I'd put that down to nature, too, and that their bodies know they're able for it). Not only is it natural (women in more instinctive communities, like tribal settings, have kids about 3 years apart because of BFing practices and abstaining from sex within the first few months postpartum), it is self-protective because of your PND. So, on two counts, you are perfectly normal, natural and making a sound choice for your family not to rush childbearing :)

From the beginning we knew we wanted a 2yr age gap, so when DS was 1 we started trying. They ended up being 19mths apart because we fell pregnant on the 2nd attempt and DD came early.

Maya - my cycle returned after 3 months, but I don't think I'd trust nature on that score.. no way would I have wanted another that soon! hehe.

BabyMama - I wouldn't worry or think about it too much, you'll know if the cluckiness returns :) Age gaps don't really matter, so just do it whenever you're ready :)

FWIW my DS wasn't sleeping through and was still feeding to sleep. We coped. I ended up feeding him through the pregnancy and tandem feeding for about 6 or 7 months. That's an experience the kids & I wouldn't have had if I'd waited until he'd weaned before TTCing the next. So there's pros and cons to every situation, you just have to go with what feels good for you :)

Mel - we're still deciding what to do about #3. We'll probably have a bigger age gap between #2 & #3.

After having DD#1 me and DH were only goign to have 1 child....it was such a big adjustment for us the thought of another, esp at 9 months of age was a big no-no.....but then DD turned 1, i went back to work, and we kinda got back into the swing of things....and the prospect of another little one did come up. We didnt TTC till she was 20mths old, and conceived straight away. There is 29mths b/w #1 and #2....

Dont feel rushed into having another.........i felt pressured by the constant comments i was getting 'when are you going again?'.....but for me and DH it FELT right when DD was 20 months, we felt ready to even contemplate being pregnant again.....

Your DS is only 9 months......maybe talk about it again after his first birthday.....

Good luck.

Maya- we use natural fertility management for contraception (and conception) too but at the moment I don't 100% trust it because of bfing and frequent night wakings making it difficult for temp readings. We use other methods for now. I've also read extensively about child devt through my studies, work and personal interest and agree that for us, we'd like a minimum 2.5 year gap. We decided that even if we felt clucky, we'd still wait so we'd give DS a good 'babyhood' and to give my body time to recover from pregnancy and bfing. I can also see though how people decide to have smaller gaps to get the hard stuff out the way quicker.

I guess I thought that I may have feelings for another bub by now but at the same time I think if I had another bub now I'd feel I was robbing DS of his time with me (and vice versa). Thanks everyone for your stories. It helps to know that how I feel at the moment is 'normal' and that my feelings might change. And if they don't, that's ok too.

ooooh this post echoes my own thoughts when DD was about your bubs age!

I too had PND with DD and that certainly attributed ALOT of my fear and anxiety about trying for another (ie. what if it comes back, what if i cant get well enough again, how will i forgive myself if i get it again etc etc).

and then there were the more everyday concerns like, how will i actually cope with looking after 2?!

this was really hard as deep in my heart i knew that i wanted to have another baby. i love DD soooo much and i think it would be cruel to the world to not have another ;) (mothers bias LOL!).

But look, it will take time to come to a place where you feel ready. sounds corny and cliche, but it happens. something kicks in and you realise that instead of just the yearning for another comes the swelling of warmth and a small smile to your face, then you know you are ready.

9 months is tricky i reckon, you have gotten used to bubs, there is a pattern, they are becoming little people (as opposed to little babies) so things are hitting a more predictable and sometimes more comfortable period, but from what i have gathered from my own experience and from the girls in my group, it is also a really critical time for the parents (and i think primary carers ie mums) to reflect and fully transition into parenthood. all i can say is just be gentle to yourself and try not to pressure yourself into feeling a certain way. soon enough you'll find peace within yourself to know what is the right path for you and your family.

xx

Babymama I could have written your post myself. Everything is basically identical. At the moment it is a no go zone for having another. My DH definately doesn't yet either, he says possibly when DS is 5. I am starting to think possibly when he is 3 we will consider it but at the moment I see a newborn and how dependent they are and I just think NOOOOOOOOO. I know I wouldn't cope. DS was awake hourly last night plus is clingy and demanding of my attention. There is no way I would want to be pregnant right now, but everyone is different.

I got really annoyed at my mum when DS was only a few months old she started mentioning when I had a daughter!!!! Isaid we might not have another. I got told 'You have to". My response was "Why, do I have to have another child". If we don't have another bub at the moment I am fine with that. But I do worry as DS gets very spoilt already.

You are so not alone in your thoughts.

My DS is 21 months old and the idea of a 2nd baby still scares me to death. I have PND and am still working through my issues. I am finding the toddler stage can be just as difficult as having a 9 month old baby, just in different ways. My DS is very active and wants my attention constantly. I find it hard to get normal tasks done at home let alone looking after a newborn and a toddler. I do want a second one but am thinking when DS is 4-5. I think i will be able to be physically and mentally ready at that stage. Everyone is different and it depends on what you can cope with. I don't have much practical support and I know I will have to cope on my own which is why I am happy to put it off for awhile. Best of luck with your decision, but I think you will know when the time is right, if at all. You don't have to have a second at all, it is totally up to you and your husband :)

DD was at least 14 months before I discovered I could look at a newborn baby and think warm thoughts instead of 'OMG, I am soooo not going there again', LOL!
At 18 months, a little sooner than we'd initially thought, we decided to TTC #2 - our last. I didn't suffer from PND, but I was a very anxious parent with a fairly wakeful and unsettled child, so it was only when all of that settled down that I even entertained the thought of a second. I am still a bit scared about looking after the two of them (and OMG - bubs is going to be here all too soon, LOL!) but I feel now that I will be able to cope. Any earlier, and I don't think I would've.
You're so normal, mate. Enjoy your little one and leave the future to the future :)

After DD1 I thought I would never go through that whole experience again.
Horrible pregnancy, birth and then screaming newborn.

It took me about 3 years to come around to thinking about another one and 4 years before I felt as though I was ready and def. wanted another.

I have a 4yr 9 mth age gap and can honestly I love it.
Pregnancy wasn't so bad, the birth was better and I am much more relaxed the second time around.

Next bub I will have another big age gap, at least three years.

SO don't worry about it and go at your own pace, there is nothing wrong with just 1 :)

Stupid double post!

I think one thing that we had to keep reminding ourselves of, is the baby wouldn't be here for another 9 months or more, depending on how long it took to conceive, and how different things would be then. So when DS was only 9 mths or 12 mths, there's no way I could have thrown another bub into the mix right then, but I kept reminding myself that DS would be nearly 2 or more by the time the baby came, and life would be very different.

It's a bit like right now I couldn't have 3, but in a years time, DS will be at preschool 2 days a week, and DD would be 2, the dynamic of the house would be sooo different to what it is now. So to have a bub in a year's time means we need to get cracking with TTC in the next few months!

I also don't really 'get' the whole giving the first baby all that exclusive attention.. what about the poor siblings? They have to share your attention from day 1! I don't believe that the first sibling is deprived of time & development, it's not like you ignore them just coz there's a baby in the house lol.

Cassius - that feeling deep in your heart about wanting a 2nd is the same for me. but although i want it, i'm not sure i can cope with it. i guess in time i might feel differently.

luey - DS was up every 2 hours last night (not quite as bad as hourly) so the thought of a)doing this all again and b)doing it with a toddler is very frightening! When I answer ppl saying that we probably (might??) not have another child I get so much criticism too. Mostly people saying that an only child is spoilt and that the won't be 'well rounded people' if they don't have siblings - there are many more factors that impact our developoment than whether or not we have siblings.

sweetpea- i totally understand about having trouble getting things done. DS wants my attention and my presence all the time so it's tricky to get to the loo, let alone cook dinner.

ll80 - i'm with you on the larger gap. i think it gives us time to focus on our bubs and give them the attention they need.

Liz - so true about the 9 months. i'm lucky that i have a cousin with a bub who's 9 months older than my DS. So i can look at him and think "could i manage a newborn and him?".

Thanks everyone. It's such a personal decision and I guess no matter what we choose, our bubs grow up to be happy, well-rounded people and we all live to tell the tale - for the most part anyway :)

when my DS was 9 mths old having and was the furtherest thing from my mind. Even now i wonder how i will cope with a 2nd and my DS is 2 yrs old

My DS#1 is 2yo 3mths, DS#2 is 3 weeks. Just early days I know, but it is tough enough with this age gap. Take your time and enjoy your first child. The first year is such a special time. I had neither the time or the energy to even consider TTC after nine months!

I agree with Mother Hubbard, take your time. There is nothing as special as having your first child, and everything they do.

I found I was ready to think about another when DS was almost two, and we conceived DD straight away and it worked really well.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, 9 mths is still such a baby - waking at night, not yet walking, can't feed themselves....things can change a lot in 6 months, and by 18 months they are doing lots of other things.

You'll know when your ready, or if 1 is enough - everyone is different. Maybe I know a bit what you mean, I would like 3 kids but can't bring myself to go through it all again, and look at others and think, they are happy with 2, or they are coping with 3 kids, and I go back and forth. I figure if I'm not sure I'm not ready for another one.

I always knew all my life that I wanted children. Through circumstance, when I had DS1, I was a single mother, and as much as I enjoyed him, I always had the feeling that he would be the only child I'd have (in my mind, single men were not attracted to single mothers). Obviously, to cut a long story short, I had more children. I have a 3 year age gap between DS1 (Jan 2001) and DD (Feb 2004), a 2 year age gap between DD and DS2 (Mar 2006) and almost 2.5 years til DS3 (July 2008). He is now almost 9 months old and I am desperately trying to convince DP to have another one, but maybe that's because I'm past the #1 to #2 stage :dunno:

You will know when you're ready, and if you're ready, to have another baby, when the time is right! :hug:

your little one is still a bubba...enjoy him for now. it is such a beautiful time with your first (or only one) because you are able to devote all your time, energy and attention to them...you may only have one, you may have more but you will know one or the other in time...

My DD is 13 months and I still don't feel like another bub and not sure if I ever will. I'm starting to get asked when we are going to have another one more often now and a lot of people are shocked when I say that I don't want another one yet.

Thanks everyone. It's good to be reassured that I might still change my mind and if I don't, that's ok too.