Hitting

So DDs favourite new thing to do is to hit, particularly me. I think it started as a game between her and my stepdad but she now does it all the time, including when she's upset. She actually hit me really hard today and totally blew me away. I've said that the hitting games have to stop but what else can I do? I tell her 'no' but she keeps doing it! I've started putting her on the ground every time she does it and not giving her any more attention until she stops. I've also started telling her 'gentle', which is a word she already has some idea of the meaning of as I've used it to teach her how to treat animals. She did actually hit the cat too, but there was only one incident.

I'm a bit lost here, guys! Is this just a phase? I'm worried if I don't nip it in the bud, it's going to get worse.

I do exactly the same as you and DS still hits me. Mostly in frustration but sometimes just because he can. I try to turn it into "high fives" or I pin his arms down and blow on his tummy, which diverts him, when it's just highspirited uncontrolled limbs. When he hits me then he is on the floor, told not to hit, and ignored.

The one I hate is when I'm pretending to nap (or asleep) and DS is in bed with me - he crawls over and lifts up my eyelids! At least you can ignore the hitting a bit.

He gets the "naughty chair" at Nursery and is made to apologise to the child he hit, which works better.

That reminds me, DD woke up before me (as usual) and I was still in bed, so she picked up a water bottle and threw it at me! She hits me to get me out of bed too but I feel kind of bad about that because I should be up as soon as she is if not before :redface:

I am sooo interested in this - I am glad you posted Neenee!!

Charlotte is going through this atm and it is really getting me ticked off. She hits anything if she is frustrated or annoyed or if over-excitment turns to anger (what is THAT anyway???)
At teh moment we are in the phase of firm Nos, holding her arms and putting her on the ground.
It is at the stage though now where if she persists, DH will pu ther in her room and close the door for about 5 mins til she calms down. It is the only thing that works at the time, although is having little affect on the actions in the future.
If I say "dont hit mummy" she will often get the doe eyes on and bow head against me then lean in and kiss me. Same with say sorry to mummy.

But alas, 10 minutes later it is on again!! I have NO IDEA where she got it from.

HELP US PLEASE!! lol
**really hoping it is just a phase**

Neenee, I'm talking about 5am when I try co-sleeping as a last resort because we've been up since 3 trying to get DS to just rest!

OK, and the odd afternoon too. But only because we've been up all night!

Over-excitement often leads to emotions running too wildly, which is a bit scary, which isn't nice, and we've gone from happy to not-nice, which makes the child angry. DS does the same too, and I can see what's going on with him, so I cuddle him, hold his arms down, and talk to him about emotions for a bit. I'm sure that's more of a punishment than ignoring him LOL. I'll teach him more about atomic structure next time!

Our babies are quite close in age and Rosehips DS is a 2007 bub too, so perhaps it is just a phase?

Thats hillarious about Charlotte putting on the doe eyes, Aurelia does that too. I'll say "No, don't hit! Gentle, be gentle" and she'll start stroking my hair and face as if I'm a cat lol. She'll lean in and give a kiss too sometimes, cheeky thing. She goes from overexcited to angry as well actually, toddler emotions seem very fluid. I wonder if me telling her 'no' is what makes her angry? She's starting to dislike that word.

I figure the best thing to do is to ignore the behaviour when possible and then give positive attention when they stop, that's about the best parenting advice i've ever come across personally. I wish it worked faster but . . .

NOT to recommend this, but I've noticed DS doesn't hit me with trains since one of his friends embedded one in DH's forehead. Now just to get his chum to wallop him with duplo too...

And positive attention is ALWAYS a great idea! But negative behaviours can't be just ignored, sadly - will work sometimes but not always.

Yikes about the train! Poor lil fella! I know people who think the best way to teach kids not to hurt is to do the same thing back to them; my friend and I have a mutual friend who would encourage her to pull her DSs' hair whenever he pulled my DDs! It didn't work though. Actually I think it must be confusing if adults keep doing things that they tell you not to! Do as I say not as I do sort of thing.

I agree - like a smack for hitting another child. And that's teaching hitting isn't OK how, exactly?

DS pulls my hair a lot. Sadly, he has his hair cut very short so I can't rely on his friends pulling his hair (I am joking with this, I wouldn't ever encourage it!). Oh, the problems with a child who knows exactly the fashion he wants and how to get it!

His head's all better now, for a couple of weeks it looked as if he was trying to sprout little demon horns though, which amused us a little after a night of teething and no sleep.

I agree Neenee...having said that though, it worked with her little pinching phase. Not just a pinch, one of those really tiny twist and dig sort of pinches. If she persisted with that for too long DH just pinched her back.. Only had to do it twice. I think she just didnt understand that it hurt, kwim?

lol@ the train Ryn!! What a novel idea!
The positive attention thing is where I think we will have the most success, for Charlotte if I am sitting on my butt doingnothing then she is quite content to play happily and run around the house, etc. But AS SOON as I get up to do the dishes or put a load of washing on, she is hanging off my legs. She now likes to squeeze in between my legs and the kitchen cupboards while I am at the sink and all but sits on my feet and clings to my legs!
I just dont get it! lol I try and give her things to do, put her in the high chair so she can watch, etc, but all of these things rarely word effectively for longer than a few minutes. Hence why I am often up now lol it is the onlytime I can get anything done properly!!

Actually my mum tells me when I was a baby, I would bite her neck as she was holding me. A stranger in the supermarket saw it and said 'bite her back', so she did and aparently I had the biggest look of shock on my face . . . and I never bit her again!

I know what you mean with not being able to get anything done, Aurelia gets into everything and the only time I can really sit down is when she's asleep!

Not sure if your DD is abit young but I have seen this work with 2yr olds.
You can get these mini punching bags or you can use a pillow and everytime she hits take her to the bag or pillow and tell her "we punch the bag/pillow not Mummy." I know it sounds abit weird but hey if it works.. Keep doing it and hopefully she will get it. I also think what you are doing with the putting her down etc is a good strategy. Sometimes children feel angry and frustrated and I think it's good if you can show them how to deal with their emotions early on.
HTH

I think that sounds like a fantastic idea Olivesmummy.
I might have to try it.
thanks! :)

i dont think diverting the aggression to another object is a good way to deal with hitting as your still saying its ok to hit/punch. IMO it isnt at all.
when dd was doing it i would hold her hands and run them over my face (usually where she hit me) while saying "this is what we do to mummys face.....gentle"
i think you want to encourage the gentle behaviour not the rough/aggressive/violent behavior

I think it depends on why they are hitting.
DS has gone through a hitting stage where it was a developmental exploratory hit (what happens when I...hey that was fun I might do it again). We protected ourselves (eg. restrained his hand) and said Stop hitting. It hurts mummy/daddy. If he did it again we would remove him from us or us from him and say 'I don't want to play because hitting isn't fun'. And it worked with consistency. He would then come up for a smooch and we would forgive straight away. If they then do it again just think of it as another great opportunity to reinforce what you did before.

Another situation he would always hit was when DH, DS and I were lying on the bed just relaxing, chatting (babbling) etc. and DS would look over at DH and then just whack him. We used the same method as above and it just got worse and when taken off the bed he would cry and climb back on and hit even harder. Then I realised that he is a bit possessive over me and the method we were using before wasn't working because it reinforced his insecurity. So we started putting DH at a safe distance and reinforcing how nice it was to all be together, DH would tickle and do other things that they like together like books or toys. And it worked really quickly (about a week when he had been hitting in that situation for months).

So I guess what I mean is that have a think about why she is hitting (sounds as if it is just a hitting developmental stage) and it will help you come up with a solution.
HTH

My DD doesn't do this now, but when she did I would say 'We don't hit, that hurts Mummy, I want you to say you're sorry now'. I would get down on her level and look her in the eye. Once they get the message that it is the wrong thing to do, getting eye contact can be more difficult! But I think I am reinforcing the message that this is not the way to respond if we're cross. As they get a bit more capable of listening, telling her that she doesn't like it when [a friend - use their name] hits her, does she? I try simple explanations.

I think as long as you continue to reinforce it, the message gets across. They are still learning to control their emotions and will still slip up for quite a while.

If a toy is involved (throwing, hitting with the toy) I tell DD that if she is not going to play nicely with that toy, then Mummy has to take it off her and put it away. And I do if I need to, every time. I don't have to do that very often! One warning is generally enough.

I think doing anything physical back to them is completely the wrong message (and certainly not gentle parenting). You are as an adult then lashing out at them and expect a toddler not to do it! All that says to me is, you're not allowed to do it, but Mummy/Daddy can.

Just to make all those who are posting aware: suggestions of hitting/pinching/biting your child (or any variations of that) to teach them not to hit goes against the ethos of gentle parenting.

It is therefore not appropriate to suggest these methods of discipline to a poster who has posted in the gentle parenting section looking for advice. I appreciate that in some cases, this may have been done with tongue in cheek, but that doesn't always translate over the internet, and you need to be aware that a new mum may be reading and taking it seriously.

If anyone has any issue with this, please feel free to PM me.

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i dont think diverting the aggression to another object is a good way to deal with hitting as your still saying its ok to hit/punch. IMO it isnt at all.
when dd was doing it i would hold her hands and run them over my face (usually where she hit me) while saying "this is what we do to mummys face.....gentle"
i think you want to encourage the gentle behaviour not the rough/aggressive/violent behavior

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That's what I do with DD. It stops her from doing it in the moment, I'm hoping she'll realize that's what I want from her all the time soon!

You are right doudou but for some children that approach just doesn't work and they need to let out aggression and excess energy. I forgot to mention that I think it's really important for children to have rough and tumble play as well as it also helps to get rid of extra energy and it has been proven that children who have this kind of play regularly are less likely to play aggressively with their peers.

i do agree but rough and tumble play isn't incouraging them to hit something. and its that that we need to teach you can be rough with out hurting or being violent.
because you are saying that hitting is ok even though you are directing it else where

Doudou i have to say i completely disagree with you.

When we look at a child's behaviour we must ask ourselves "WHY?". When DD hits (which she very rarely does now, but she certainly went through a phase of it) it was quite clear to me that she was capable of feeling high levels of anger, stress and frustration and had absolutely no way of expressing it verbally since her speech just wasn't up to it yet.

In recent years we have come to realise (or rather remember) that a crying baby is trying to communicate a need. We do not leave them to cry alone or ignore them because we understand that this is the only means they have to express their needs and feelings.

So it can be with the hitting toddler. SOmething is happening with them which is causing conflict they are struggling with internally, and so they externalise it and hit. Telling a child "hitting is wrong" when they are unable to express their emotions calmly or process them alone (how many adults don't seek a hug when they are upset or angry? We only have to glance at the Punching Bag to answer that one!) is akin to telling a crying baby "Shut up, i don't want to hear about it until you can tell me properly with words".

Only in the hitting phase do many children begin to learn the vocabulary with which to express what they are feeling. When DD used to hit me i would give her my sad face and tell her it hurt mama. Then i would suggest an alternative target and talk about her feelings "oh your lunch is taking a LONG time, and you're very hungry aren't you, it's so frustrating when thengs take longer than you feel able to wait!" Within days she was screaming "FUSTATED!" as she hit and nowadays she just uses her words. I talk about how I feel, and express myself benignly too, so she has a positive role-model. I will listen to her upset about things for as long as it takes for her to feel better (hitting provides far more instant gratification that talking when you only know 3 words which kind of fit how you feel). She's definitely a work in progress but i DO see the progress and she's already gotten the message that it's not nice to hit other people.

I agree that i wouldn't appreciate my 5 or 6 year old still lashing out in anger, but that's because by then i would expect them to have, and be able to use, the tools i have given them to express their feelings and deal with them in a benign way. A child only just coming out of babyhood has no tools, and cannot be expected to deal in silence and alone with emotions which drive grown adults to kill on occasion!

Bx

Oooh, Bec, I diagree! I have DS roar now instead of hit and that worked within 2 days. He grabs a lion or tiger (toy) and brings it to me roaring. So I can cuddle and ask what is wrong... he has words to tell me most of the time once he has my attention knowing there's something wrong. That was started Wednesday on a whim and no more hitting, we were being hit several times a day before.

i wouldnt tell a child it is wrong. but i would say it hurts, i dont like it and this is how i want you to treat me(gentle )
i do ask myself why the child is doing it. i look around at what i might be doing (or not doing) that makes her upset. i talk to her 'im sorry i cant do xyz right now..as im doing xyz"

i think you might have read my post wrong.
i should probably use a few more full stops and commas.

LOL Ryn, fortunately or not DD had already mastered the roaring WHILST hitting and didn't seem to get "instead" :)

Doudou I don't think i read you wrong, you seemed to be saying even hitting a cushion which is obviously insentient was wrong...? That rather than the hurting it was the hitting that was the problem? And i actually agree that when a child is cheekily hitting as part of their tactile play, taking their hands and showing them how you LIKE to be touched is fantastic, but to me when they hit out of frustration, sadness or rage diverting them to gentle action only encourages them to bottle their feelings.

It's ok, we don't need to agree on everything :) :hug:

Bx

ok thats cool i just wasnt sure where you got your point from out of my post!

but that explains it. thank you

Bx I have to spread the love. That's a really good point about having different reactions depending on the circumstances for hitting. DD does both; she hits for attention, as play, and out of anger and frustration.

Ryn - How did you teach DS to roar with the lion in lieu of hitting? I have no problem with Charlotte hitting a couch cushion or something, but I like the idea of her not needing to hit anything.
Perhaps a combination of lion roaring and trying (keep trying lol) to teach her some emotive words (frustrated, angry, sad) could be constructive.
I am able to recognise when charlotte is going to change to hitting, from happy, excited, or just upset, so we are on the right track, but I want some more tools that just DHs fav, putting her in her room for 5 mins.

I just got a soft toy lion or tiger and if he hit I wiggled it right in his face whilst roaring as he hit me. He stopped hitting me and laughed and now roars a LOT more than hitting.

I didn't really "do" anything, just started a trend!