can't believe it is happening again

The heartache of losing a baby at no matter what stage of pregnancy is devasting and a lonely time. Having been through 3 m/c and about to experience my 4th i can feel my world tumbling down around me very quickly.
They said the first time was one "just one of those things", the second time was put down to "just bad luck" and after the third i was told that "next time will be your time". I suffered my first miscarriage at 8 weeks, the second at 14 weeks and the third at 7weeks; and with each loss it gets harder and harder.
Finally, after the third m/c i found a supportive doctor who was willing to look into our situation and both my husband and i were subjected to numerous blood tests while i had multiple ultrasounds...the verdict..."just bad luck". While no medical reason could be found for the re-occurances no guarantee could be given that we would be able to carry a baby to term. We were told that next time would be our time and that i would fulfill my dream of being a mum.The doctor said that although no medical diagnosis could be given to be thankful that nothing was wrong and to continue trying!
On Jan 26th 2009 three home pregnancy tests confirmed we were pregnant and i knew then that i was just over 5weeks.:D A blood test confirmed that we were expecting and i was told to relax. I cut back at work, i ate healthy i did all the right things. Apart from feeling tired and troubled with morning sickness we took each day as it came. Every week further into the pregnancy was a bonus.Each week past our last m/c an even bigger bonus.
Yesterday at 10weeks we went to have our first ultrasound. The sonographer told us "one sac, one jelly bean no heartbeat". Just like that we were told our baby had died.No reasons, no explainations just that there was no heartbeat. I laid there and cried clingling to my husband - how could this be happening again? i have no pain, no cramps, no spotting or bleeding..how can it be happening?
The doctor has sent us home to take it one day at a time as i wait for what i know is going to come, what i know im going to experience yet again. Each niggle in my tummy i dread and each toilet trip is filled with fear as i wait. Iv'e cried a bucket load, iv'e yelled and screamed at how unfair it all is and i feel so scared and alone.
kirst

:hug: I have no words for you, I am so sorry you are going through this again.

im so sorry xoxo

Oh Kirstyn - big hugs hon.
Life is just not fair is it?

I guess the only positive in this horrible drama is that you know you CAN get pregnant - and when the time is right- you will again.
I just hope so dearly that one day soon you and DH will be holding the baby you so deserve.
My prayers are with you both.....:pray:

XX


Don't give up until you've tried Francesca Naish- Preconceptual Care for Prospective Parents

Having never used a forum site before to vent my feelings i am so overwhelmed and touched by the kindness of complete strangers. Having no friends that i can turn to who would possibly understand and a husband whom is dealing with it all in his own way i was starting to feel very alone and scared. Thankyou to those that have read my story - i aplogise for it being so long. And big hugs to those that have sent encouraging and kind words.
Hugs to you all

Kirstyn - im very sorry to hear of your losses - i know its not easy! just know that there are alot of ladies on here that have been thru the same and are here for u if u need to chat or just vent!
Can i ask whilst u were being subjected to numerous blood tests was ur progesterone levels tested over a cycle?
Its a very common problem that causes alot of m/c - than not many doctors look into!
It was my problem and what caused my m/c - and was easily solved! Hence our 3rd time lucky miracle!

Hj1981, thankyou for your words. While i had numerous blood tests during m/c number 3 and then afterwards im not 100% sure about my prog levels! i know i had a series of chrom tests - both husband and me and i also had numerous bloods to rule out autoimmune disorders i couldnt be certain about the prog levels. I have an appointment this month with my ob-gyn and i will be sure to add this to my list of questions. thankyou for your help xx

im here anytime if u need help - or any questions about progesterone - i have not long been down that track - and i know its an easy fix but something that is not looked into as much as it should be! apparently it is a very common cause for M/C!
I hope all goes well with ur appt and u get some answers soon!
Remember if u need to chat im here - we are all here!

Dear Kirstyn, I am so terribly sorry to hear about your losses. I only have one angel baby and the experience was devastating, so I can only imagine the pain you feel after having 3 and facing your 4th :( My thoughts are with you during this really difficult time :hug:

Oh Kirstyn. Hugs hunni. How unfair. Hopefully soon a little angel will chose you and your DH to be it's mummy and daddy and you will get to experience what you so greatly long for.

i am so sorry sweetheart, it so unfair

i have had 3 M/C'c and my heart is breaking for you, with each loss it just gets harder and harder.

with my last loss, i had the same thing, no bleeding, no pain, no nothing, i felt so betrayed by my body, how could this happend without me knowing. i had to have a d&c this time round, with the other 2 losses i lost them naturally.

you may have to have a d&c, if you do maybe you could ask them to do some testing to see what went wrong with bubba, so maybe you can hopefully get some answers??

please take it easy and be gentle on yourself, we are all here for you if you need anything

take care sweetie

all i can offer is much love. i've had similar experiences, and i still grieve. i do hope you get answers soon.

I can not begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now, all I can say is it's just not fair.
Sending you big big hugs, I am so so sorry for your loss.

I am soooo sorry you are going thru this.............I experience my second loss and I was so devasted and sadddddddddddddd I could believe it....all I can say is think positive your blessing will come when is time best wishes!!!

Kirsten,
Thank you for leaving your support in my story and I left you a message on that page. I do want to say again though how sorry I am to hear your story and I know how unfair it all seems. The best thing to do is go with how your are feeling, as it changes day to day. If you want to rant and scream and cry-do it. There are no words of comfort I can really offer but I send you good throughts and love. I hope it all works out for you and hubby.
Laluna

Im so sorry for what you're going through Kirstyn :hug:

oh gosh... i'm am so so so sorry....
my prayers are with you and your husband.

i'm so sorry

Dear Kirstyn,

I am so so sorry for your losses.

I understand how you feel. I also have had 3 m/c and also have had many many many tests, which also turned out all normal. You sometimes wish that there was something wrong, so you could deal with the issue and fix it!!!!

I ended up seeing a FS and I think my issues are to do with my insulin/sugar levels.

I have been on a drug called metformin and this has helped me to conceive and so far, so good. I have also been on low dose asprin (even though I dont have a blood clotting disorder) the FS thought it does no harm and helps the blood flow through the uterus.

Big hugs and I hope your dream comes true.

xxx Sue xxx

Dear Kirstyn,

Hugs hun.....sorry for your loss,is there a counciling service you & DH can use to help you out,sometimes it helps to talk to someone,hun.

Iknow how you feel,I wish i could say something to take your pain away,but if you ever need to talk,we are all good listeners.
If you want to talk at all you can PM, me at any time hun,wishing you all the best in the future,stay strong and i will be saying a prayer for you.:comfort:

Kirstyn, I'm so sorry hun :hug:. I am so sorry for all your losses, I can't imagine what that must feel like. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I pray that one day you get to hold your beautiful little bub :pray:
Beata xxx

I am so sorry for all of your losses. Life just isn't fair sometimes. Noone deserves to have to go through any losses let alone 4 :( Huge :hug: for you.

hello all..i just wanted to update you all...hard to believe that i was only here over 8weeks ago..id like to say that things have been smooth sailing but i think most of us know id be lying. i still have days where i think about my little angel and im reduced to tears...although the days are getting further apart now so i guess im on the rode to healing somewhat.. ive since been back to the ob-gyn and unfortunately the tissue samples came back all clear and normal - therefore it was going to be a viable pregnancy! so what now...well ive had more blood tests a total of 15 different tests and then i was referred to a specialist at the royal womans...to date nothing has shown up. yesterday i had another 11 blood tests ...and my folic acid has been increased to 5mg..depending on the results of the latest blood tests i may go onto aspirin..the specialist just needs to work out when and how much! so i guess i should be grateful things are being done...if only i had answers or a guarentee..... for the anxiety and fear to subside a little. i wanted to say a very big thankyou to all of you who for your support and guidance. i went off to see the specialist armed with a load of questions... things i would not have thought to ask had it not been for some of you..so hugs to you all....
thankyou and bless you all

xx