Would you tell your partner?

Ok... so of course everyone has this 'pact' with their partner... "you have to tell me if I'm getting fat" etc.

Not that Shel is getting fat by any stretch of the imagination, she was underweight when we met and she's now on the higher edge of normal. Same BMI as me.

Thing is I'm losing weight, and she's gaining. And I say "lets go for a walk" (you know, subtle ways of trying to get her fit and healthy LOL) and she says no she's too tired from work, so she sits on the couch eating chips and drinking coke LOL. I feel trapped in this situaton LOL! I know how blokes feel when woman go "I need to go on a diet"... if I agree I'm in trouble! If I disagree I get half an hour of all the reasons of why she thinks she should go on a diet. But I can't say "Ok, so go on a diet...?" otherwise I'm in trouble LOL. Damned damned damned! lol!

I have tried lots of subtle ways of saying "you need to start doing something to get yourself fit". Do I just come out and say it? Cos she SAID to tell her! LOL!

Not that its a huge issue, but I want her to be fit because as Jazz gets older she's only going to be more active ya know. I've noticed her stamina is really going down, I just want her to be healthy...

So ok, do you say "listen darl, maybe we should try to do stuff to get fit" (hey, I'm not telling her to go for a run by herself, I mean just a walk around the neigbourhood together). Or do you just leave it?

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Ok... so of course everyone has this 'pact' with their partner... "you have to tell me if I'm getting fat" etc.

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Um, no we don't. My DH and I have this pact where he agrees to love and adore me no matter how fat or thin or otherwise I look. He is allowed to encourage me to exercise, but that's IT!

However, if you have this agreement with Shel, and you think she really would like to be told, then tell her. I suspect based on the fact that you are posting here, that you think she really doesn't want to be told at all. LOL So I would definitely take the "let's get fit together" tack here. It's not really about how fat she is, is it? It's about the choice she's making to opt out and eat chips.

I try and drag DH out with me when I go walking - but he just won't budge! Same excuse - "too tired"!

So instead I am cooking healthier food and have stopped buying junk. She can't eat it if it's not in the house!

Oooooo thats a hard one Mmmmm I know I would be mortified if BHL said even in a nice way that I should start going for a walk... I hate it even when I tell him I need to tone and he said yeah you do...

sorry not much help good luck...

but on the other hand if you just tell her then she can only be mad for a day or two and then she might just get of her butt and go for a walk with you the next time you ask her to come... But if she is anything like my BHL it will be brought up over and over again until the day you die... lol

Oh Leash that is so tough to answer. Do you think Shel is aware of her declining health? If she hasn't come to the realisation yet, it can be tough to hear. I'd go for the more subtle approach, like, going for a walk together and then say how great it felt to get the heart pumping and feel a little healthier.

For a while, I was eating nothing but junk and being lazy. DH was so great, he just consistently ate good food, refused to go out for takeaway every second night (ate salad and fish, boy that made me feel bad), and did some regular exercise.

Well it's not just about fat/not fat is it. It's also about health and well-being and parenting. So yes, I think that in a kindly and tactful way that partners should let each other know that they need to work on their fitness. Chances are however that the partner in need of excercise knows it (we're always our worst critics) so it's more a matter of offering them the encouragement to make some lifestyle changes than breaking the news.
The thing is it's hard to make that initial step and it takes 6 weeks to get into a habit (and for some reason it only takes me 1 week to break the habit :doh:) so I think that the idea of a family walk togother in the evening sounds lovely.

If you're worried about the crisps and coke you could stop buying them or replace them with sugar free coke and salt-free nuts.

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I hate it even when I tell him I need to tone and he said yeah you do...

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LOL your poor DH :rofl: He gets stuck in that one LOL

Marydean... hmmm I thought most people had the 'pact'. This question will be pointless if no one has the pact lol!

I'd probably take the "fatness" out of the equation and like you say, concentrate on wanting her to be/feel healthy.

If she's complaining that she's tired then explain that she'll feel so much better if she does a little bit of exercise - both mentally and physically.

So concentrate on the things SHE'S complaining about and suggest ways that she can feel better, rather than concentrating on the fact that she'll LOOK better if she avoids the junk and does exercise.

Hope that makes sense.

I'm sure she's not stupid and will work out that you think she's putting weight on but you might get better results if you give her the impression that it's not whether she's fat or thin that concerns you just that she's fit and healthy and can enjoy time with Jazz - especially when she gets to the stage where she wants to run around the park.

I don't have much to add - I'm the one my DH is always trying to get up and out for a walk - and it usually works. What does make it easier is if he first tells me that he will do X - where X is something like make dinner, do the laundry, etc. For me (and this may be of no help if it's not your situation), exercise just isn't at the top of my list (although I'm the first to admit it should be) but if he takes other things off my list by taking them on himself, then it makes it much easier for me to happily get out of the house. I'm not talking about having the other person do everything, but sometimes it's the amount of stuff that I have to do when I get home from work that keeps me from going as I'll say, well, if I don't go for the walk then I can still [make dinner] and have time to relax but if I go for the walk, the relaxing will have to go unless I get some help with the other stuff. Hope this makes sense...and maybe it helps.

I also agree that "fat" should come out of the conversation - the concern about health and feeling good is definitely the way to go.

LOL buliej... theres nothing I can take off her list... except getting the drinks and cutlery for dinner. And she can bloody well do that LOL!

Hey Leasha, DH and I have "The Pact" but in a silent kind of way IYKWIM, Unfortunately (sometimes) for me, DH is crazy about his fitness, He is in the Army so in a way he has to be but he loves running, all sports, beep tests you name it loves it....He's the annoying man at the family BBQ when you have all stuffed yourselves on Yummy food that suggests a game of cricket....Yeah lets all do that...NOT!! LOL!! I'm trying to get better and on a few occasions where I have really tried to committing myself to going on runs with him or whatever he has been really encouraging, that is the only way I know when he thinks I've let myself go a bit, But never would he say anything, he kind of does it in a round about kind of way, suggesting stirfrys, "family" walks...(I'm always onto him about family time) and things like that. But I tend to find that now when he is really on a heath kick I feel quite guilty when I see him have a snack on an apple and I have a timtam....(or 1/2 a pack LOL) I haven't really given you much help but I'm sure you'll find a way to help her get her fitness and healthy lifestyle back...Good Luck Hun.

I've never, ever heard of the 'pact' and I didn't know people did that. There are plenty of overweight couples in Aust so they must be letting each other down! LOL

My H and I both have low BMI's but he has been getting down and sluggish so we have had chats about how to increase his opportunities for exercise. Maybe coming at it from an emotional health and general wellbeing angle would suit more?

How about saying 'I think we should both start going for a walk every night to get fit.
I feel frumpy & it'd be good for Jazz...'
Not saying you are frumpy hun ;)
Just an idea! Make her think you are doing it more for you, but you want her company?

Leasha, was there something fun and active you did together while dating that you could do together again?

Hi Leash,
My dh is a big guy and he knows it. I do tell him if he's putting on a bit extra, and he does the same with me. Neither of us find it offensive, just honest observations. He knows I love him to bits no matter what he weighs, and I know the same.

He goes through his fitness fads- atm he's bought a bioke with a baby trailer. It will be used for about 3 weeks then never again :rolleyes:, just like his gym membership. Ah well- I tolerate all that money wasting because at least it's some form of exercise!!

Maybe some thing different will keep Shel exercising for a bit? If you can get a babysitter, maybe start yoga, or belly dancing, or dance classes?

Don't know if it will help you but I found getting DH to commit to a walk or something on the weekend a bit easier then after he has finished work. We sometimes go to the beach or a near by park and stroll with bub. Or a swim at the local pool.

Dont buy chips and coke babe...dont have them in the house.
get some diabetic phamplets and leave them in view ;).
Instead of asking her to get up for a walk...just get ready to go and say

we're going for a walk...you coming?

she may not say yes straight away but give it a week or 2 and she might join you.

I unfortunaly have the opposite end of the sopectrum my DH is 6'7 and SKINNY! Plus he can eat what ever he wants and does not put an kg! But if I bring it up he will agree and say that I am putting on weight .... but in a good way and a way to motavate me. When we met I was the skinniest I have ever been (54kgs) and now after Bella I would be about 90 kgs but I have been 104 when we were together so he has seen me at all stages and loves me no matter what...

He always says that he wants me to do what ever makes ME happy and he will be happy and he LOVES going for walks now as he puts Bellla in the Baby Borjn and I walk the dogs...

So maybe say that you are wanting to do this for YOU but would love it if Shel and Jazz could join you?? Its always hard at the start but once you start you feel so much better for it!!


HHHMMM having siad that... I need to start again!! LOL!!

Kate xox

me and my df have a packed aswell but it seems im the only one that does any talking he just agree's:rolleyes:very anoying at time. I think you should just tell her and then back it up by saying well you did tell me to say something. I to have let my weight get away from me and now its gunna be 3 times as hard to get it off. like 13kgs since i had my baby:doh:

LoriRae - your DH sounds exactly like mine!!! At the moment he's on a health kick and really trying, riding his bike every night etc and I really hope it lasts this time. He's lost about 10kg since xmas but he needs to lose a lot more. It didn't bother me when we were younger, but the older we get and the more babies we have I do really worry about his health. He also smokes (a lot) and has a family history of diabetes and heart disease...you'd think that would be enough no??!! :wall:

Leasha - I'd take the subtle approach of suggesting you do it togehter and stop buying junk food. The rule in our house is that if you want a treat badly enough, you'll get off your butt and go to the shop to get it. Needless to say, doesn't happen very often! LOL.

Definately no pact here...Dh married me for who i am..not what i look like or how fat i get.
Id be offended if he tried to tell me i was gettin fatter even if he was just doing it for my health benefit etc.

Maybe try and get Shel to do things with you 'as a family'..that way she might not notice ;)

When I am not pg, I know DH will be honest with me about my weight. He goes for a run every day (usually at work) but on weekends he will get up early and have his run, then come back to bedHe has been at me before he went away to go for walks, but I haven't been interested due to the pg related tiredness and general aches and pains.

I think what would work to get Shel out walking with you is if you said would leave Jazz with her while you walk. I am sure she would rather walk than risk Jazz getting upset and not having bbs available for milk :rolleyes:

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I think what would work to get Shel out walking with you is if you said would leave Jazz with her while you walk. I am sure she would rather walk than risk Jazz getting upset and not having bbs available for milk :rolleyes:

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Really? That would never work in our house... my H would be thrilled to have more alone time with our son. It's me that stresses about taking the breastmilk away! :lol:

LOL ren - ali knows the inner workings of Shel's mind ;) She's right, that probably would work :think:

I've been told... in May last year, and he did a really good job of it. I had really stacked it on, and I'm so annoyed with myself for letting it happen.
I've never had to tell him; we're in an atypical relationship where we've both slimmed right down since we started dating. But I would, if I though it was necessary. Or I would rampup the amoutn of exercise I was doing and ask him to join me - but we've got the kind of relationship where that works.
Walking together is SO good for your relationship. Before we were married, I used to get up really early to walk him to work. It's also brilliant for your mental health. Maybe take that tack, as someone suggested earlier about "I'm feeling frumpy/stir-crazy/depressed and I really want to get out of the house and spend time with you"

All the bests!

We don't have a pact here either. I try the subtle hints about going for a walk with me or walking to the supermarket to get a few little things, most the time he's makes excuses, occasionally he comes along. I've even said to him straight out he needs to exercise but he just goes "yeah, I know" but never does it.
I have no idea how to get through to him at all.

Good luck, Leasha.
I don't have any suggestions to add to what anyone else has said.

xox

We don't have a pact exactly, but we're both into keeping healthy and sane so exercise features large (added to this we both love our food and with my thyroid/metabolic issues i would turn into a sofa if i stopped exercising, though he seems to be luckier in that regard!).

I actually wouldn't mind very much if DP looked a lot different but i HATE seeing him low/down/sluggish so i am very keen that he gets the exercise he needs. I know he fancies me like mad and he felt that way when i was 101kg and 77kg so it doesn't matter too much, but he also knows that at 101kg i was unhappy with my body and not as confident or healthy as i naturally am when i have a normal BMI. He is my best friend and is really honest with me, so if i say "am i gaining weight?" and i am, he says "yes". I'm not offended by honesty though so maybe not the best to advise.

I would ask if she can keep Jaz while you go to the gym for 2 hours and when she argues you tell her to come with you for a walk instead. :lol:

Bx