Printable View
Mods please move this if it is in the wrong place...
I am just curious as to what 'others' opinion is on "first time mums giving advice to mums of mulitlpe children" and how do you take their advice?
Just lately a heap of advice has been given to me by a first time mum who obviously thinks she is an encyclopedia.... and that 'i' know nothing..BUT hang on..i have already raised a 9 year old (nearly 10) and an 8 year old..
it really irks me.. thinking they know best.
sorry bit of a vent...
i dont think its about how much they think they know. They are prob just letting u know what they have been through and trying to help, regardless of how many kids they have. At the end of the day, they are still a mum too. I give advice to my friends who have more than one child and i think they know, im just trying to help.
Hmmmmm... maybe she thinks she knows of some new products/ideas that maybe you don't? I know my SIL has 3 kids, the youngest is 11, and when she gives me her advice sometimes I correct her and say "ok, but now they recommend..."
I probably sound like an encyclopedia or a know it all but I'm just letting her know that some things she has done in the past are outdated even though its only 11 years ago KWIM?
thanks guys but it just seems to me..like its this way or no way...and it gets shoved in ones face all the time...
Another first time mum.....well I have 2 but one is still doing time on the inside!!
I think some people are annoying with their advice, others aren't!
I think if you put one problem forward to 20 mum's you would get 20 different suggestions for solutions, some you will think are silly some you will think are great, all just depends what suits you etc
I think you never know what gem of wisdom you might find where
katones.. thats the thing with advice, u can take and leave what you want. I love advice from people personally but there are some things i have let go over my head. I think if someone had 10 kids or one they are going to shove advice in your face all the time, it really depends on the person.
I think it would be frustrating if someone was pushing advice at me no matter how many kids they have. But I would be a bit annoyed too. I actually had someone with no kids giving me advice, I tried not to get annoyed because I know she was just trying to help, but seriously, books don't have all the answers. :rolleyes:
If you have 7 kids and the 6th one is totally different to the others there's every possibility that someone with only one happens to have one just like that.
It is annoying when you get unwanted advice. I get it from people too, who tell me what THEY want to do or did, but phrased as advice for me (i.e. oh no you don't want to be stuck at home, get her in nursery and get yourself a life!) and i find a vacant nod and "hmmm!?" and then nothing more means they have felt listened to and i can merrily go on ignoring them.
Bx
Maybe 1st time mums are a bit overconfident in the sense that they haven't yet had the experience of trying the same thing with different babies and finding out what works for one doesn't work for another IYKWIM? Just having one you can say "just do this, it worked for me" but I guess when you have more you realise how different they are and see for yourself that the same thing doesn't always work? Just a thought
when i was pregnant and getting lots of advice...as you do...from mums, i thought it was annoying and i would just smile and say thanks....but now i think that the advice people give is....most the time...something that they wish someone had told them when they had thier babies. Even though it probably wont work for you it may have been the best thing that they ever discovered and want to save soemone else the hours of sleeplessness/crying/not knowing.
With all advice/comments i just try to smile and sometimes correct the really stupid ones. And im quite aware of the advice i give out too....dont want to sounds like a know it all!! normally say ''what worked for us was...''
I dont know about mums with one giveing advice to mums with many but i can see where your coming from, especially if she is trying to push her advice on to you!
Kat - no comment or advice - just :hug:
Its hard ay
People intend to do good - so they probably think they are helping you in some way. I agree with Hollye - take what you want, or leave it. If you don't want advice perhaps start with - i just need to get this, not looking for solutions ....???
my first was routine, made sure no feeds overnight from 3 months - lots of things that 2nd time around was a shock cos DD was different - DS1 I would secretly tut-tut those feeding o/n from 6 months - but after DD who had a feed more times than not until 14 months!!
Now i just support - whatever gets u through & is harmless & works for you - I am all for it!!
All advice whether from a first timer like myself or from an old hand in the business of baby raising should be taken with a grain of salt (sometimes rock salt LOL!).
there will always be unwanted advice (it seems to start with pg!), but as someone mentioned earlier finding those gems of wisdom amongst the thorns can make it all worth it... and i for one wouldn't turn my nose up at it if it came from someone who i viewed as having less experience.
My Nana used to say...
"I always listen to advice
'Tis churlish to refuse it
It makes the giver think I'm nice
And I don't have to use it!"
I know it's hard - but I often get advice I disagree with or just don't need. But I just say "thanks, I could try that" or "mmmmm". I guess if it's really bugging you, you could tell them that you are doing ok - but thanks for their concern?
i'm not a mum yet, but i will share the info i've found during my research while TTC and now during pg - i don't tell anyone what to do, but if someone says something, i'm not going to NOT share what i've learned about. i don't tell people what to do - i give them another perspective. advice is something only YOU can decide to put into play if it will work for you
i get given so much advice now about birth, bfeeding etc - i listen, put it in the vault - and will bring it out if i need to. i don't think anyone is going to think their way is the only way - but being a first time mum doesn't mean they can't share with you what they know - the number of kids you have doesn't limit the knowledge you have! yup, i'm a first time mum to be - but my mum did FDC my entire childhood and teen years - so i've picked up more than a little bit of knowledge in there!
Don't you just laugh at yourself for the secret tut-tut you used to do!!:
I would secretly tut-tut those feeding o/n from 6 months - but after DD who had a feed more times than not until 14 months!!
I had a few secret tut-tuts that I now realise were completely unreasonable, as has been said, every child is different.
Katones, I hear ya, I would find it difficult to tolerate even well meaning advice from anyone let alone a first time mum if it had the whole 'you don't know anything' vibe attached. In that situation it would be a bit offensive.
I think there are some good opinions here too about taking the advice that works for you from the range of advice you get. Sometimes, it's all in the delivery!
I find any "I know better than you" advice hard to take. From a mum, a grandma, a mum-of-1, a mum-of-4 (FFS! I KNOW you were told to put your baby onto solids earlier than 4m but I'm NOT GOING TO!) - if it's bad advice I will leave it with the giver. And you DON'T know better than I, no matter how many babies I have or you have because I am this babies mother and I know him best. I find multi-mums harder to deal with because "it worked for my four, control crying will work for you, you're too soft" - no. I actually love my children and don't want a "compliant" child so my hubby will be more interested in having more. I don't care if it worked for you or not, my family is different and it may not work for us! I'm not doing anything wrong if it doesn't work either, so don't try to tell me that.
On the flip side, I'll happily take advice from all sorts of people, including the childless and even *shock* men if it's well-meant and kindly given. How many children you have is irrelevent to if the advice is good or not.
I found this annoying too!
I find if I say mmm thats interesting I will take that into consideration, its shuts them up, then I just forget about what they said and do it the best way that works for us.
*ahem* first time Mum here... and I often freely give advice :redface:
I think we first time Mums are so fresh and excited that we have to share what we've learnt! I know some of us think it's the first time something was invented when we figure something out and just have to share with everyone! :rolleyes: kinda like little kids, really!
Most of us are well meaning and don't mean any offence..