It's all gone wrong

Hey all, you know from my previous thread about my DD having anorexia again well it has now escalated. She has lost another kg and is now 47kg and is 175cm tall. So we are still battling this but now there are other things that have come to light.

We have found out that she has been drinking, she has been lying about where she has been going and who with, she has been stealing (not admitting it tho) but she was caught red handed stealing from a friend and we are not sure if she has had sex. All this from a girl who only turned 14 in February.

I'm at my wits end. I no longer know who this girl is. She is not the same one I have raised all these years.

Her dietician is very unhappy with her and if she doesn't put on half a kilo by her next visit she will be in serious trouble. We have an appointment with our GP to get a referral to a counsellor again and I will also be asking for me as well as I don't know how to deal with all of this. My BP is through the roof again and I'm exhausted as I'm not sleeping (as you can understand).

On top of all this nearly everyone has come down with a virus and leaving me to look after everyone.

Has anyone else's DD seemingly gone overnight from little miss nice to acting like she belongs on a street corner in a feral part of town.

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thanks for reading this I needed to vent so badly.

I have no advice only hugs :hug::hug::hug:
Here's hoping she wakes up to herself

kim...
i dom't have the answers for you but sending you heaps and heaps of hugs hun. and hoping that it gets better for you.
xxx

Yes! It's what they do :rolleyes:

My understanding (no medical knowledge) is that once they drop to a certain weight their brains are affected and the anorexia really kicks in. There is a clinic in Sweden (or something) that treats the brain first.
Can you call the clinic that was on 60 Minutes with the girl called Bronte (anyone else know what I am talking about here?)?

Of course her dietitian isn't happy, can you get her in to see a Psych?

Hugs to you mummy xoxoxox

I don't have any advice kim, just wanted to drop in a few of these :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I am so sorry that you are going through this babe. I cannot even imagine what it would be like. I think it would be every mother's worst nightmare "losing" their baby girl :( If you need to talk you know where I am sweet

Thanks guys, I need all the hugs I can get. This is not over by a long shot. Some of her actions I know are just attention seeking but she gets heaps so I'm not sure why she wants even more. She has just a bout everything you could think of but she is still stealing (and from her friends), I'm concerned about the drinking because alcoholism runs in my family and the sex part OMG I wish I could bury my head somewhere but I can't because I'm the only one that talks to her about it.

Lulu - wish I could take her to the clinic but she is not that severe yet that they would accept her and we couldn't afford to take her either. I'm hoping that between the psych and the dietician (and hospital if it comes to that) will be enough.

At the dr's on Friday I will be asking him about birth control for her in addition to the condoms I found in her bedside drawer. I suppose I should be happy that she has them but I don't want her to even be thinking about it yet.

oh well bbl bubs is crying

im going to ask my sis for advice for you huni....she was bulliemic (sp) from the age of 11 onwards...she got through it and il ask her if theres anything that could help to get your dd and you through this.
il pm you hun if thats ok.
love rach xxx

thanks rach. all help will be gratefully received.

:hug::hug::hug: to you. I have nothing that I can offer or say to help though, sorry.

A previous poster mentioned Bronte.

These links might help...

[HTML]http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=263835[/HTML]

[HTML]http://www.thebrontefoundation.com.au/[/HTML]

Sorry, I don't know how to post a link. I am only relatively new to this.

But if you copy the url I posted, and paste it into a webpage, that should work.

Hope everything turns out okay with your DD.

I know its a long stretch but have you thought about getting her commited before it gets any worse? I think you need more help than a dietition and a shrink. She can just agree with them and go on her merry way IYKWIM.

hugs sweety... hang in there, u WILL get through this xoxo

Wow, it must be hard hearing she isn't 'severe' enough. How scary.

Will you be able to get a councellor that specialises in eating disorders or do you just get a 'general' (!) one?

On the sex thing - it's very hard to say but my DD had condoms in her room from about 13, I think they came from a prank they all played on a friend for his birthday but she is 16.5 now and still hasn't had sex. I was sooo paranoid.

Can you talk to her at all or does her head start spinning and spewing pea soup?

il phone her in abit shes got a newborn so il let her sort her out before i phone.
il pm you asap.
love rach xxx

I just went back and reread your first thread.

About the triggers - anything can do it really. Being a teen is very stressful, it could have been some ho trying to steal her bf or a teacher may have embarrassed her. They are so uncertain and easily hurt (though all the attitude).
Mix in an eating disorder and the complexities are magnified SO much.

Hopefully longer term councelling or support will keep her on track for awhile - are there any teen confidence/leadership programs around?

*hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time... I was a bit like your DD in my later teen years and I know it put my parents through absolute hell... but of course teenagers are such self-absorbed creatures that we don't see it at the time, it's all about me-me-me.

I don't really know what advice to give about the drinking, possible sexual activity and other acting out, but I was diagnosed with an eating disorder at 16 and I know that the worst thing you can do is try to force DD to eat, or watch her like a hawk with it... I know it's so hard to just sit there and feel like you're 'permitting' her to starve herself, but a big thing with EDs is that it's a control issue. Your DD may feel that she is so lost right now, and that everybody is dictating to her what she should do, that controlling what she puts in her mouth is the only part of her life she has some autonomy over, kwim?? And the more she has parents, dieticians, counsellors and doctors trying to jam food down her throat, the more she is going to resist, and the sicker she will make herself. I know that I myself started to get better when my parents threw their hands up in desperation and decided that if I was going to kill myself, they'd done all they could to stop me - once they left me alone and stopped dragging me to endless shrinks and doctors, I felt like I had been given some of that power over myself back, and stopped being so defiant about food.
I'm not saying 'Oh, just ignore her and let her starve herself to death', of course not. I just want you to know that a *huge* part of eating disorders is a method of a person exerting control over their own body, and the more those around them push, push, push for solutions and cures and answers and weight gain, the more determined a person becomes to have absolute control over food. Perhaps the drinking etc is another part of that - she is giving in and eating, or going to counsellors or doing as she's told etc, so the acting out is another way of saying, 'F--- you, I'm the boss of me' and proving to herself that she is the ultimate master of her own body, mind and destiny? I was just reading your earlier thread, and the comments you make about her dietician being unhappy with her, and threats of hospitalisation etc, well I know to you or me they sound perfectly reasonable or a way of trying to encourage DD to put on weight, but to a person suffering anorexia, it sounds more like, 'Oh, you're gonna lock me up and force-feed me if I don't do as I'm told?! Well, we'll see about that, yeah. I'll bloody well show you who's running this show'... so maybe avoid 'threatening' her with what the dietician says, or make sure when she is with the dietician, that they don't go saying things like, 'I'm unhappy with your progress' etc... like I said, to a rational person it is just a statement, to a teenager with anorexia it's a threat or an encouragement to get even more out of control.

As LuLu said, when you're an irrational, heart-before-head teenager, triggers can be as simple as being frustrated when there's nothing good on TV, or your shoelace breaks. Obviously it's worth trying to figure out if they exist and what they are, but for the most part it's day-by-day. Some are better than others. Some seemingly 'good' days turn into bad ones as quickly as flicking a lightswitch. It doesn't make sense to us as adults who are more logical, but when you're hormonal, frustrated, tired and all the rest, it all seems like a perfectly logical course of action.

For the record, I personally recovered from anorexia without the aid of counselling etc. Like I said, once everybody left me alone and allowed me to feel that I was my own boss, I started putting on weight again, and although to this day I still have strange habits with food (certain rituals that you establish, like bad habits, may not ever go away, and I'm usually unaware of them until DH points them out to me), I now have a much healthier attitude towards food and eating. I think growing up had a lot to do with it - I was 20 when a doctor declared me 'recovered', not just 'getting there', so I wonder if a large part of my problems were to do with those wonderful teenage hormones and angst... because once they were gone and my head straightened out, I could see clearly and act rationally for the first time in years.

I'm sorry that's not much help, and I wish you and your DD the best... I hope she is able to get the help she needs, on her terms, and makes a speedy and long-term recovery. Please, don't ever blame yourself or feel that you're not doing enough to help... you are an amazing mum to be so concerned and so dedicated to guiding DD to a healthier way of life, in years to come she will be forever grateful for your support, love and compassion. It just takes time... and patience. Good luck.

Hope the counsellor helps hun, huge :hug::hug::hug: hope things improve, i am always here to chat to.

xoxo

Thanks guys. We have her coming home for lunch (to make sure she eats it) and today we found on youtube a video that was put together by a girls family in tribute to her life. She died at 14 from anorexia. Sarah watched it and sobbed her heart out. This girl was beautiful and talented and had everything to live for but didn't like herself. I'm hoping by watching it Sarah can relate to some of the feelings. They also showed photos as she got skinnier and Sarah is very close to some of them. We talked to her today about starting fresh and how we want her to change schools and she has agreed. Also we go to the dr's on Friday and we will be getting a specialist to look at her. We are going to talk about getting psych help for her and us, getting her some form of contraception and just getting it all out to our GP. He has been our GP since Sarah was a baby so knows her really well. I'm hoping that she will realise that we all love her very much and want to help her overcome this.

GothMum - i have tried to leave the food issue alone in the hopes that she will start herself but she doesn't and then gets quite sick. We also have to take her to the dentist as she has been making herself throw up too. Her teeth were losing the enamel from the last bout of bulimia, hopefully they are not as bad this time.

Keep giving me support ladies as I'm slowly getting very worn out. Thanks heaps

Kim

hi Kim

You are doing everything you can to help your daughter, it is such a stressful situation.

I had an eating disorder for many years when I was young, perhaps what the doctor says will eventually make some sense. The doctor scared me when he told me all the health risks and that I was actually killing myself. Then he got me the professional help to break the addictive behaviour cycle.
I am also an Occupational Therapist, I worked in Mental Health for a long time, and came across patients with similar issues.

Keep us posted and ask if you need any support from us, quite happy if you need to PM me,

your doing a great job! xoxoxox

I have been following your threads on this and have not commented as i really dont have any advice on eating disorders but i just wanted to say that you are doing a fantastic job in supporting and helping your daughter.

Hi, I really feel for you, I have had problem with my teenage DD nothing close to what you are going through......Is she still having AF??? I guess that's a good thing? Means she is still eating enough to fuel her body. Wishing you loads of strength I hope you can get some great professional help and quickly. xxxxxx

Oh hun, I just wanted to send you hugs. It must be really difficult for you and your family.

Being a teenager these days is really hard, peer pressure is nothing like it used to be back in our days. Having to look, talk and act a certain way, have all the latest gadgets, loads of money etc.. I don't know how these kids cope with the bombardment of media.

All you can do is be very supportive of your little girl, be a friend at certain times and a mother at certain times.

Thinking of you.

Just another one who wants to drop in and give some :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you so much ladies. The latest update is YAY she has put on 1.4kg in a fortnight. We all breathed a sigh of relief as you can imagine. She is feeling better in herself too. I think some of it was she had gotten herself into something and didnt' know how to get out (had a scumbag asking for nude photos of her so he could **** over them). We solved that for her by taking her mobile phone and cutting off her internet access. She wasn't happy at first but now is ok about it. Her attitude still leaves something to be desired lol but one thing at a time. We are still looking at changing schools but the one we wanted to get her into isn't accepting enrolments atm. Still looking for the next one.

I have stopped being so hard on myself. My dr told me none of this was my fault and that there is nothing I can do unless Sarah wants my help. I realise that I don't have it so bad compared to some (like a g/f of mine in Sydney) so am not stressing as much. I will tackle things as they come up.

Again ladies thanks so much for the hugs and support, I still need them when I have bad days xx

First i want to send you a great big sqeashy hug and secondly to say thats great that she has gained this fortnight my cousin went through years of anerexia and self harm behaviours and it was the hardest thing to watch so i could only imagine the heart ache you are feeling right now i know with my cousin she was hopistalized for months at a time with a NG tube basically force feed nutients .. her treatments over the years were gruelling and emotionally draining for all of her family BUT she started to get better very very slowly but she did get better i suppose what i am trying to say is it may be a long hard road but you will come through this journey together and i wanted to wish you and your family the best of wishes and a shoulder any time :hug:

Hi
Just to let you know, I wish I could help you too. It's a really tough sitiation you're in with your daughter.
I'm a physio and worked at a psychiatric hospital where girls with eating disorders were admitted. I worked as part of a team with psychiatrists, dietitians etc, but really the dietician played a small part. The girls often knew exactly the number of calories in any given amount of any food. The physiotherapy helped them with body image, and body perception. Many of them love working out (to loose weight, obviously) so we'd encourage them to use their body in a beneficial way, and to feel what goes on in the body when they use it. Many also suffer from anxiety and many of the physical symptoms here are the same as with exercise. Sweating, pulse up etc. Anyway, just letting you know that there's many professions that can help, but I don't think just one has the answer. It really needs to be a combined effort. Re. costs, maybe Centrelink could help?
Also, DON?T stop talking to her about sex. If she hasn't had sex already, she probably will within the next couple of years and it's so important that she knows you're there to talk to. Tell her that you'll never be angry or dissapointed in her, whatever she has done, then she'll be more likely to come to you, even if she knows she's done something less fortunate...
Please don't stop writing in here if that helps you, I'm sure there's quite a few of us that'll try to help you out.
If you haven't googled it, I'm sure there'll be a plethora of chatrooms out there for parents with kids with eating disorders, that might help too?
All the best
Christine

Go mum!:clap:

Thanks Shazz and Christine, having support from people on here is making it easier to cope with. We have had some more good news, she has put on another .8kg. So over the last month has put on 2.2kgs. She still looks scarily thin and when I hug her it feels like she will snap in two but I'm encouraged by the weight gain.

My gp was very concerned and tried to get her into a psych therapy unit but they told him she wasn't severe enough. They also told him that it sounds like she has ODD and so I should just ignore her. I don't care what they say I can't ignore it and hope it goes away. We are getting her into a counsellor closer to home and still going with my gp and dietician as they seem to be working. I think she is feeling better too after having her mobile and the internet taken off her. Less stress to deal with iykwim.

Tomorrow she goes to have the implanon implant put in. I'm still not sure that is the right way to go but I suppose better safe than sorry.

Again a huge thank you to all for the hugs and support. I will keep you posted on any new updates

Great news Kim..I hope she continues to put on weight.

Well done honey. I know it's a struggle, but you are doing the best you can. Well done!

...on gaining weight! I can?t understand why your GP would choose to ignore OCD, if that?s what she's suffering from?
Anyway, well done with the weight, I hope you'll continue to see progress, and to get the relevant help.

Kim, maybe get her a copy of "Bronte's Story" which is written by Bronte Cullis, the girl from 60 minutes that the others have mentioned... It might help for her to read about someone else that has been there & came out the other side.

cmf - my gp isn't the one ignoring any probs, it was the psych therapy unit that he was trying to get her into and they suggested she had ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) but I don't think it is that.

Sarah - I'll try to find the book and see if she will read it. We have trouble getting her to read anything.

Thanks Abb34 and Divvy, I have been worried for so long now and it is good that she is starting to come round.

As I said earlier I'll keep you guys updated.

Thanks

Kim

sorry, I read it wrong, I'm glad to hear you have a good GP
All the best