Missing my little man

i found out at 38 weeks that my baby had died, i couldnt believe that this had happened, i only had 2 weeks to go, i was so close then to be told that he was gone.....it was just the worst thing to have happened.
1 week later i went into the hospital to have him.......i was inducded at 6 and by 9 i was having major contractions, the first midwife i had was great she was coming in every 15 minutes to check my contractions and just to make sure i was feeling ok, but when she left i was left with a midwife that had no idea what she was doing, i was having horrible pains and all she could offer me was a heat pack.
From 4 until 6 i was in the shower just trying to get rid of the pain myself with the hot water but it was doing nothing at all, the midwife did not come in once to check on me and it wasnt until my partner woke up that i told him it was time for en epidural.
The midwife took me into the birthing suite and it was there she told me that i had left it to long to have an epidural.....i couldnt believe this i had no idea what was going on and i thought i would still have time as that night they told me that i still wouldnt give birth until late the next day, after alot of screaming and begging she finaly called the doctor...but to my luck she had called the wrong doctor which had never done an epidural before, im not sure how long after but the right doctor was called and i was given my epidural 5 minutes before the pushing began.
To add to the midwifes mistakes she also lied to the nurses and doctors and told them that she had come in to check on me a few times and she said that I was asleep in bed.
I gave birth at 7, the nurses washed my baby and brought him back into me...i am so glad now that i saw him but at the time i didnt want to see him, and that is the same with the photos i thought i would never look at them but nw i dont know what i would do with out them.

His funeral was on the 25th which was ment to be his due date....i just couldnt believe that the day that was ment to be the best day of my life turned out to be the worst.

This is still very recent i only gave birth 3 weeks ago, but i find that writing about it makes me feel so much better, iv gone back to work but think its a little to soon, people dont want to upset me so they avoid me which makes me more upset i would rather them ask me how i am then pretending like nothing has happened....it has happened, i was pregnant, i did lose my baby, i am a mum.....it did happen.

i still am in complete shock and will never understand why this happened, i guess life really isnt fair.

I love you and will never forget you xoxo

So sorry to read of your loss.

BB is a great place for support and understanding, many here have lost babies.

Have you got numbers for SANDS support.

I hope you have supportive caring family and friends.

hugs

xoxoo

I cant even begin to imagine your pain, I am so sorry :hug:

:hug: I am so sorry for your loss. May your little man RIP.

im so sorry your midwife was an inadequate *&%$! and im so sorry for your loss. 3 weeks isnt long at all and I hope you and your DH are being easy on yourselves.

Hey Bonnie, :hug: I miss my little boy as well, although you had 20 weeks on me, I can't even imagine losing a full term baby.
What did you name him? How much did he weigh?
We named our Bub Jayvan, which in latin means Angel. And he weighed 250grams and was 15 cm's long, which I'm told is long for 18 weeks. His dad is 6foot2inches so it's no surprise really!
I remember after he was born I was completly fascinated by his face, it was perfect, and he had the most gorgeous little button nose I have ever seen. He had tiny weeny little fingers and toes with even tinier finger and toe nails.
I'm glad that you held your little boy, that is one thing I will always regret, I never held Jayvan. i just looked at him all rapped up in a tiny blanket. I wish with everything I have that I had given him a big cuddle before he got taken away, but at the time you just can't really think straight, and I know in my heart I did as best as I could.
I hope you have a speedy recovery from the birth, and there are amazing ladies in BB who will always offer you a shoulder to cry on, and will drag you up when you are at your lowest. I don't know what I would have done without them!
Sending you, your DH and your boy lots of love xx

I am so very sorry for you loss bonnie its an aweful thing to go through.

My heart goes out to you and your family
Nae x

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I wish there were words I could say to take away your pain. Hold those precious memories of your son close to your heart, he will always be with you.

Regards,
Dianne

oh darlin, im so sorry. we can never comprehend your loss, only offer our support.
my heart is with you
be strong

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little boy, I can not even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling.
My heart goes out to you.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your son.. There is great support in here.. I am not sure where you are but you can get in contact with SANDS or Bonnie Babes foundation and they provide support over the phone and also have meetings.. I go to Bonnie Babes meetings once a month and I find it helps.. You can go alone or with a partner, friend whoever.. Just do what you feel comfy with to get the support you need.. :hug:

Bonniew, I am so sorry for your loss :hug: its so very cruel to lose a baby at all, let alone full term. Have your doctors being able to tell you why your son died? It won't take away the pain, but perhaps understanding what happened may help you come to terms with it. It's great that you were able to hold him, he truly know that you loved him. Look after yourself and don't be afraid to take more time off if you need it. Is there someone at work that you can speak to about how you are feeling and how it makes you feel with the way people are reacting? Perhaps they can have a chat to those that work close to you at work about how you feel. People generally don't know what to say when someone is grieving, I can relate. Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry to read of your loss, its heart breaking & no-one should have to go through that kind of loss & pain.
You've come to a great place for support, the girls here are fantastic.
I wish I could find the right words but I cant.
:hug: Take care
Rest In Peace little man xxx

Some people at work have been good but there is one lady who is just being cruel......she told me she understands how i feel because her dog had 6 dead puppies.....pffft really, and she will sit there and tell me how she is going to try for a baby in a few months and how she wants the baby clothes back that she gave me at the baby shower.

I didnt get to hold my baby either the nurse was trying to let me hold him but I didnt want to i was scared that i would hurt him because is skin was very soft....but now i wished i had.
I feel ok during the day its just when i go to bed i start to think about little things that make me upset, like when i brought in clothes for him in the hospital they didnt fit, he was 7 pounds which was a big shock i thought he was going to be tiny, and when i brought clothes for him to wear in his coffin i forgot to bring him socks so i get upset thinking he had cold little feet :(.

Ohh Bonnie, what a horrible thing. It would be bad enough to lose your child but to then have ti deliver him in such horrible circumstances.
I would put in a complaint about that MW, I know it won't help you but you can make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else.
I would just call that lady at work on her cruel comments, if nobody has done it for you. Tell her if she doesn't have anything supportive to say then please don't say anything at all.
Sending you lots of strength and support. XOXO

Oh Bonnie my heart just broke for you when I read about your fears over your baby's little cold feet. He's fine hun, he's doesn't feel cold, pain or fear, just his mum's love.

Prayers to the goddess that you find peace soon.:pray:

Dear Bonnie,

No one will ever really understand what you are going through and all you can do is surround yourself with those who are truly only there for you. I think you are an incredible woman going through a terrible time that no one should ever have to endure. I wish you every happiness in the world and in response to this ^&)* at your work, perhaps have a close friend who is rather vocal let her know just how ridiculous and unhelpful her comments are. Some people are just unbelievable.

My deepest sympathies Bonnie - what a tragic to happen to you and your family.

I can't imagine your pain and sadness. I know what I went thru at 12wk miscarriage and my heart aches for you.

Remember, we all handle our grief differently. There is no time limit. You are you - take your time and be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss of your gorgeous baby boy..

I too am so sorry for your loss bonnie. what is your angel's name?
If you dont want or cant say something to that *bleep* at work is there a HR person you could have a chat to? i cannot beleive those insencitive comments, ppl dont know how to cope with other people greiving but if she cant say anything supportive shouldnt say anything at all.
I hope time can heal your pain, your a very strong woman for talking about your tragic loss

I am so sorry for your loss bonnie, please stick around in these threads, as the woman her are fantastic, and so so supportive.
When i lost my first son to sids, i lived in a small town, and everyone knew me and what happened, but it was like people just did not know what to say, so they didnt say a thing, whenever i would venture out in town, i could tell people where staring and "theres that girl whos baby died" all i wanted was someone come and say im so sorry for your loss, but no one did, i think people just feel so bad, they just dont know what to say.
please take care of yourself, and take time out to greive, as you desperatly need this

Bonnie:

Hun, I am so very sorry for your loss of your baby boy. :hug:. I too have felt the pain of loosing a child as I lost my baby boy at 36 weeks. I really didn't know how I was going to survive the pain and I felt as if it was more than I could bare. Your birth story has many simularities to yours. I felt as if the lady with the dead baby was too hard to deal with and I was basically left alone also. I am still dealing with the resentment and anger with how I was treated.

However, as the weeks/months/years passed I have learnt to deal with my grief and I can honestly say that I am able to smile again. At the moment your pain is so raw so my advice is just be what you need to be. If that means crying/shouting/staring at a wall then that is what you should do. There is no right way to grieve, just take it day by day.

Regarding the lady at your work comparing your loss to a puppy. I think she had the best intention but she obviously has no idea. I would encourage her to visit the Stillbirth Foundation website and educate herself about just what you and your family are going through.

I'm here if you would like to chat. please feel free to PM me.

With love and understanding
Spring xx

I feel as if she says these things on purpose.....I dont know if im being stupid or not but i feel as if shes happy this happened, when i was pregnant she would always say how she recented me for it because Im only 19 and having a baby and she didnt have kids, maybe im being stupid but that just what it seems like.

We called him Jai, I just miss him so much and i hate how life has just gone back to normal, i should be home changing nappies and playing with him , but instead im back at work.

And the part i feel the worst about is that im already having the feeling that i need another baby, i just want what i was robbed off, and its not to replace him at all but im to scared to tell anyone because thats what people might think if i tell them and i feel so bad for that, and i dont what him to be looking down at me thinking i dont care about him because i do.

What that woman at work said to you was awful.. People have no idea. Unfortunately that probably wont be the most hurtful comment you will hear.. The good old 'Your young, you will have more' is one I got alot and it really upset me because I could have 10 more babies and I will still want Taite and Seth.. It really isn't fair and I am sure many of us can relate to you.. When our babies died the whole plan was lost.. The future.. I am not back at work and people always tell me I need a job and I need to think about what I am going to do, but the truth is I am sad and I shouldn't have to think about it.. I should be a mum to live babies.. My babies shouldn't have died.. I just can't express my sadness for you I am so sorry you have to go through this. Just remember you are not alone and do not let anyone make you feel bad about trying for another baby.. Only you and your partner can decide that whether it is straight away or whenever and anyone that has a brain and that knows you will know you are not trying to replace him.. I will admit losing a baby may make you re evaluate friendships, :hug:

Bonnie, I just wanted to say that I think it is a very normal and natural feeling to want another baby straight away. The vast majority of women that have posted on here and that I speak to who have been through a loss all say the same thing and it is never to replace the child that has passed away. When you are ready, there are a bunch of women that chat reguarly on the thread 'ttc after late loss / stillbirth, please join us there if you wish.

hi

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, it is the worst thing that can happen to any parent.
I have just lost my daughter at 41 weeks, she lived for 2 days. The feelings you are going through are a normal part of grieving, you will miss your beautiful little baby boy Jai always, although as time goes on with less raw pain.
Try and find ways to remember him, use the photo's and make a scrapbook, find a poem you like for him, write a letter about how much you miss him, waht you plans were for him, about the pregnancy and put it in a memory box/or the scrapbook for him, you will treasure this in the future.
People can be insensitive, excuse them their ignorance, nobody can understand what we are going through, you need to have been there.
Don't feel guilty for wanting another child, another baby can't replace him, but it natural to want what has been taken from you.
Try and get refered to a counsellor, it really does help to talk to someone, or ring Bonnie Babes or Sids and Kids, google them and they have a helpline, you can talk about Jai as much as you want.
Hope you are getting through this pain,
Take care

So sorry to hear of your loss :hug:

Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself :hug:

Sending you lots of strength.

Hi Bonnie,
I am so sorry for your loss darling, my heart is just breaking for you :hug:. Losing a baby is the most terrible experience a parent can go through, life is just so unfair sometimes. I wish things were very different for you, you should be holding Jai and taking care of him, not saying your goodbyes. I am so glad that you got to see him and take those beautiful photos of him, I know thay must be your most tresured possesion. I have a little book from the hospital with my little boy's foot and hand prints and the lovely midwife took about 8 beautiful photos of him. I look at them often and am in total awe how perfect he was. Joshua only weighed 350 grams, but he was so perfectly perfect! Sometimes I sit down and just look at his little book and photos, and I feel such sadness but at the same time pride and joy that I had him here at all. He is my beautiful little angel boy. I put together a little album starting with his very first embryo photo (I did IVF) and then I have all his u/s images and then his hospital photos. I am just so proud of him.
Don't feel guilty about having another baby soon. Soon after I lost Joshua I wanted so badly to be pg again. I knew I didn't want to replace him, but I just so longed to be pg again. It is the most beautiful feeling in the world.
Please don't worry about people's insensitive comments, they just don't understand and never will unless they have experienced a loss themselves, and I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. Draw strength from your loved ones, their support is so important now hun. I see a psychologist twice a month which has been so beneficial to me, and I also go to the SANDS meetings once a month, which is a support group for parents who are dealing with child loss.
I pray that your heart is filled with love and hope once again hun, and that you're holding a beautiful healthy baby in your arms soon to love and treasure.
Take care sweetheart,
Beata xxx

iv been trying to get through to SANDS because they have a meetings in cairns but i cant seem to get in contact with them either by phone or email.

I wish i had more things of Jai but i dont all i have is 3 photos of him after he was born and because me had died a week before i gave birth to him his skin is not in the best condition so i cant even show him off because i couldnt stand to think what people would think about him it would just break my heart to much because to me he is perfect, but i have sent the photos down to my step dad who is an artist, so he can can draw something which i can put up in the house and show off.

i also have alot of photos of myself when i was pregnant so i was thinking that maybe i could also put that in a book, i also wanted to get jai's hand and foot prints but wasnt sure if the hospital had them or not.....i just want anything i can get my hands on.

Im really not looking forward to mothers day this year i lost my mum when i was 15 which was 4 years ago and iv also lost the happiness of being a mum, but i know that i wont be the only 1 who will not enjoy that day.

We had him cremated because i wanted him to be home and im glad his here , but its not the way i wanted him to be home :(

and just another thng which i have to get of my mind......a few people have said to me lately 'dont worry you can have another baby'.......really how can they say that, you would never say to someone if their husband died 'dont worry ull get married again' so can can they say that to us....how is it any different?

bonnie

i am so deeply saddened to hear of the loss of your precious jai. you're totally right when you say life isn't fair.

i'm sorry to hear that people have been insensitive - i can only think it's because they just don't know any better and cannot think of the 'right' words. to say you can have another baby is totally irrelevant & doesn't take away what has happened.

i hope you have the time and support you need to help you :hug:

Bonnie,

Regarding the pics of Jai, how were they taken? If they were from a digital camera you could get them printed out in black and white, we did that with some of our pics and you can't tell the discolouration of the skin.. If they are polaroid or from a disposable you may be able to get them scanned and photoshopped.. I mean I know you don't want to change the pics of your little boy but if you are worried about showing people then that is an idea.. And you can always show your pics at SANDS meetings, everyone there has been through it and can see the beauty of your baby regardless.. Jai is still your baby and if other people are uncomfortable seeing him that's their problem.. Maybe ask you family if they want to, warn them he is a little discoloured. Everyone is different it may worry some people and not others.. I am selfish like that I don't even give people the option, I just show them!

Also I had a look in the most recent SANDS newsletter and it provides 2 numbers for support meetings in Cairns. Nerissa (07) 40983089 and Kelly (07) 40337917 maybe if you try those numbers you will be able to get thru.. Good luck :hug:

his skin is actully peeling on his face, i wished the hospital would have told me this would happen as i had the choice of going in the next day or the next week, and if i had gone in the next day his skin would have been in tack, but there is one photo of him that i just love....his little face just looks so cheeky and just looking at it makes me smile because i could just imagine the little boy he would have been.

Thank you so much those numbers i will give them a call today

Bonnie,
Sweetie, don't worry that you have only 3 photos. They will be your treasure forever. When Joshua was born he didn't have any fat deposits under his skin, so he came out really bruised, and in the photos he looks quite dark. To me he still looks perfect, and if anybody feels uncomfotrable looking at his photo, tough. His little button nose is a lot lighter though. My DF's niece visited a few months ago (she's 11), and although she knew we lost Joshua, she looked at his photo and asked 'Who is this black baby?' I wasn't upset with her, I just explained what happened to him during birth and she understood.
I was actually thinking of getting an artist draw a picture of Joshua, only bigger so I can hang it on the wall. Also, as he was only 20 weeks gestation, I would love a photo of him at full term. Apparently, you can bring a photo of your partner when he was a baby and the mum's baby photo and of course the baby's photo, and he puts all the images together and comes up with a image of what the baby would have looked like at full term.
Some artists are juts so good, their drawings are beautiful. The thing I don't have, and I so wish I did, are photos of my pg belly. Why I didn't take any I don't know. I have a handful of photos of me while I was pg, but they are all above my belly!!!!
Bonnie, there are a lot of things I wish I had of done too, but I was so grateful the midwife just knew what to do as I was in shock and wouldn't have thought of half the things she did for me. But we can't turn the clock back, we have to be happy with what we have.
Big hugs hunni
Beata xxx